If It Isn't That Love Thingy

"how do you know for sure, like, how do you know that's that?"

"sebab dia semua kita."

asking her about love, when i was the one who taught her about that.

"awak ni suka orang ke tak?"

she wondered, when i was the one who used to ask her that.

both events feel like many, many years ago. indeed, many years have passed. many things have changed. but some things, remain the same. i can't help thinking that i used to be ahead in the race, and my best friend was the one who started late. yet now, she has left me behind. the roles are reversed. she's almost there if God wills it, but i don't know when will i reach the finishing line.

i have a strange feeling that i won't feel it

"mestilah! kenapa awak tanya macam tu?"

"takdelah, awak cakap awak boleh je, tapi -"

"tapi takkanlah nak ambik je memana lelaki?"

"awak suka lelaki macam mana?"

"kita suka yang macam... entah. mungkin kita betul-betul tahu, bila kita jumpa dia."

"tak sabar nak tengok bila awak finally suka orang."

she said something like that, something which i once said to her, long ago. now, i don't have to wait anymore. but you, my friend, may have to do so. to wait for my right guy, or my right time, or both.

i can make a list of how he should be. but even if i cross out each criteria as i meet the perfect guy, it doesn't mean that's the right one i'm going to marry. when you see a dress on sale, you may like the colour, the pattern, the cutting. but something's not right. when you try it, it doesn't fit you. or when you imagine yourself wearing it, it doesn't suit you. you like it, but it's not for you. the same thing goes to jodoh.

it's not like i don't have feelings. i do. i of all people, have enough emotions in the world. it's not like i don't like boys. i do. she of all people, has enough information which is, confidential. but... entah. it's not as easy as liking another, falling for a friend, loving a stranger, and bingo, settle. no. not that simple.

it will be simple, one day, when the one and the time, come.

"when that day comes, i want to be there. i have to be there, okay?"

"ok."

"sebelum kita fly, dengan masa or after kita balik Malaysia."

"kita pun ada fikir jugak..."

"boleh pakai tak alasan tu bila bagitau mak awak nanti? 'kenapa nak cecepat ni?'"

"'sebab nanti ama fly-'"

"'sebab nak ama ada.' awww~"

"hahahah"

"awak nak ke, tu?"

"nak la..."

"kita actually cakap pasal ni for real kan. bukan berangan macam dulu-dulu. we're actually thinking and talking about it."

"haah kan?"

"awak dah besar. dah ada lesen, dah ada... dah besar. kita dua-dua takde lol. kawan-kawan kita pun dah besar. kita ingat lagi masa kita semua still form 1. first day kita jumpa awak, hingus mengalir lagi, literally. budak selsema."

"heyy!"

i had tears in my eyes and i laughed. it echoed in the empty college ground, bouncing from block to block.

as i grow up, i don't feel like growing up. but when i look at my friends, and how much they have changed - how even prettier they have become, how motherly instincts have developed in their once indifferent heart, how the one who doesn't look like she'll do it, has done it -  i realize, we all have grown up. we are almost grown ups now. they are the mirrors, reflecting what i don't see in myself. 

if you ask me, i would say i haven't changed. but that's what happens, day after day. let's be frank. when i was much younger, i thought at this age i would already have a 'someone'. when i was a bit younger, i thought, maybe, the 'someone'. when i was younger, i thought 15, 16, 17, 18 were old enough for almost everything. but now i'm almost 19.

maybe 19 is old enough to blog openly about things like this, eh? and old enough to tell my mother that although it is not in her best wishes at the moment, but if she wishes to see her only daughter get married, if she wants to be there on that day, i will try to grant that wish. even if that means early marriage.

people change, so do plans.

people are ready, but not destiny.

people wait, for fate.

"babai, dah nak maghrib. assalamualaikum, love you. say it back! ok love you too." we ended the almost-two-hour phone call.

do you feel? or do you want to feel?

do you love? or do you want to love?

the question of life,

do you? or do you want to?

you don't really know. until you really do.