FELDA Global Group Scholarship Second Stage Interview

Last week i received an email.

TAHNIAH! Anda telah disenarai pendek untuk menghadiri temuduga Biasiswa Kumpulan Felda Global 2012 bersama Pengurusan Kanan Felda Global.

i was genuinely surprised. i did not think i would get a call back (wah ingat nak masuk Broadway ke call back call back pengaruh Glee la ni) because as i've already mentioned in my post about first stage interview, group interview session i did not think i stood out (or maybe we all didn't, hence me being picked, making me think of the fate of my MARA interview since my group mates were all like gempak gila and i might have not given a good enough impression), and my assessments were craps. 

and then i was like.... Pengurusan Kanan?! memang saje bikin gua cuak nak bold segala kan.

so after i thought i was done with interviews and just cilek sampai masuk asasi nanti, i had to study... which i did a day before. but still, effort tu weh google pasal Felda being listed in Bursa Saham and Lynas, buat draft jawapan sendiri dan tengok balik draft FAQ interviews and about biotech. aku tido pukul 5 pagi pastu aku bersumpah kalau dorang tak tanya pasal ni memang nak kena ah.... dan memang dorang tak tanya pun. but kids, more on that later (HIMYM REFERENCE YO!)

so today, not even half-prepared, i went with a hope that those interviewers would make my life easy.

but before that....

an awkward moment when i had a homesick moment before i went to the interview..... and to think i'm not even leaving home yet... not a good sign.

makanan disediakan, macam biasa. tapi dah makan kat rumah tadi. pastu takde geng nak makan lagi :"(

masa daftar, i saw 11 names. namaku ke-7. 7.... could it be my lucky number again?

i was the fourth one to come after 2 malay girls and one indian girl, after me an indian guy arrived. that was just it, the five of us. i don't know where other 6 interviewees were. probably they've got something better, or lost interest or had some location and transport issues since the shortlisted interviewees were from every ceruk of Malaysia.

this time, even at the second stage of interview, we still had to do those dem hard verbal and numerical assessments, again. the average time per question is 1.5 min. like the first stage, english was bearable but math was.... dehek. not even math, but more to statistics and logic. sadly, my logic hasn't been in shape lately.

i was told by a lady who appeared to be my first stage interviewer (patutlah muka familiar, i was only sure after she asked me whether she met me in Terengganu or KL? OMEGE SHE REMEMBERS MEEE) that OUT OF 300 INTERVIEWERS (OUT OF 5000 ONLINE APPLICANTS) IN THE FIRST STAGE, ONLY 45 MADE IT TO THE SECOND STAGE, AND THEY WILL ONLY PICK 8 PEOPLE. 8 PEOPLE ME TELL YAH. 6 were absent today and 5 yesterday, so that makes my probability of getting the scholarhsip - 1/34.

not... bad.... because if it all depends on me and my math assessment, it'd be like 1/0 lololol k.

OH AND WHEN THAT LADY was giving the pep talk ("you should sell yourself the whole 20 minutes you're in that room! you've already passed the first stage and it's not easy i tell you, now you just have to walk in and impress them" - which i did not do, i think, but kids, we'll get back to that later), i asked her is there any chance of changing my course?

i've already planned this after i found out i was called for the second interview and i knew Aiman Azlan did it too (from biotech to psy AND bio). i can still contribute to Felda's biotech RnD with my bio knowledge and being a psy graduate, i can fill in a position in management, HR department or something like that. betoi tak?

she said no, they need some experts in the courses they offer, they don't offer the fields they don't need... ok T____T. but all the officers/workers were really nice, semua good luck semua orang :')

after one gets the scholarship, they will go to KYUEM and do A-level. Felda is more lenient than other scholarship providers which mostly ask for 3 A's minimum, kalau tak dorang takkan hantar fly, cos Felda only asks for 2 A's and 1 B. only then one can get accepted into top unis in UK. droooools.

while waiting i 'made friends' with that indian dude. he was like very friendly and all smiley.... he asked to take a look at my certificates file. i was like "only if you show me yours" lol wut ama. then we talked about what we did and who we were in school (more like figured it out by ourselves just by looking at the certs), how our school was like, our study plan (he had this idea that matriks is a better choice than asasi, which is why he's going to matriks, memangla matriks pun bagus but knowing his reasons, you had the wrong impression man), then he was like "i think i saw you during the first interview," since both of us are from kl, hence the location at Zon Hotel but i was like "rly? i dun think so, mine was on the first day", and how he's the first vegetarian i ever met and stuffs.

about the 50 ringgit note.... we'll get back to that lat- ENOUGH LATER OREDI

when the door was held open for me i forgot every tips i read (TO KNOCK OR NOT TO KNOCK  TO WAIT FOR THE "PLEASE COME IN" OR NOT BUT THE DOOR'S ALREADY OPENED AH MASUK JELAH) and i greeted them with salam as all 6 of them were muslim men.

peliknyaaa... dorang cakap dalam bahasa melayu. mula-mula aku pun cakap dalam bahasa melayu BUT DEEP INSIDE I WAS LIKE WHY BM SHOULD I GO ALONG WITH IT KANG NAK SPEAKING TETIBA MACAM TAK RESPECT PULAK TAPI TAH TAH DORANG NAK TEST AKU Y Y Y I AM SO IN DILEMMA tapi beberapa minit kemudian aku start speaking... dorang still cakap bm... kadang-kadang aku selit bm.... dorang pun mula selit english.... dorang start speaking.... tapi bm masih bahasa pengantar.... siap ada loghat kedah lagi.

peliknyaaa... tak macam interview langsung aku pun macam HAS THE INTERVIEW STARTED WHY ARE THEY ASKING UNRELATED QUESTIONS WHY ARE THEY MAKING JOKES WHY ARE THEY LAUGHING WHY AM I LAUGHING TOO IS THIS THE INTERVIEW OR WUT.

ok lemme start from the start. apa yang aku ingat -

(dia is all the interviewers, mereka semua berebut nak bercakap sampai aku tak sempat jawab padahal tadi dah kena pep talk suruh cakap banyak awww)

all of them (or almost) had a folder of copies of my documents, results, certs and resume.

Family

dia : apa pangkat ayah?

aku : leftenan colonel (nak cakap tak pasal babah was the founder of a regime and everything and he was the first person to be given a pangkat/pingat ape entah his story was in a military museum-)

dia : tentera darat ke laut?

aku : tentera darat.

dia : betul darat? bukan laut?

*gelak kedai kopi*

aku : ..... ya (?)

dia : dia meninggal dalam perang ke macam mana ni

aku : (SIR MANA ADE PERANG DAH ZAMAN DIA BUT HE INDEED KILLED 13 COMMUNISTS MORE OR LESS THEY WERE HIDING IN THE WOODS AND -)

dia : eh tak, tak, natural cause.

aku : he actually became a businessman afterwards -

dia : oh dia dah pencen and then became a businessman?

aku : (taktau dah pencen ke tarik diri ke berhenti ke....) yeaaa lepas pencen.

dia : bisnes apa tu?

aku : (i know something about security and belakang meja office babah banyak model airplanes sebab babah jual beli aeroplane jugak er) it involved something about security, and also airplanes, to be honest i am not so sure -

dia : oh airplane? jadi dia jet fighter? kata tentera darat tadiiii

aku : no he was not a jet fighter, he was involved in the business of selling airplanes.... (I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I RAMBLED HERE)

Boys

dia : ada boyfriend tak?

aku : tak.

dia : eh takkanlah takde boyfriend

*gelak kedai kopi*

aku : haha really, i don't have any.

dia : guy friend ada?

aku : yes, i do have a couple of guy friends -

dia : eh bukan sama ke guy friend dengan boyfriend?

dia : lainlahhh!

dia : guy friend is like you want to talk to them, but boyfriend is like you want to see them, right?

dia : so a couple of guy friends, no boyfriend. hmmm. gay friend ada?

aku : not that i know of

*gelak kedai kopi - OMG THEY LAUGHED AT MY JOKE :'D*

Bros 

dia : tell me about your siblings.

aku :  i have 5 siblings, i am the last in the family.

dia : waaa, manja la ni?

aku : sort of -

*gelak kedai kopi*

dia : so you have sisters, brothers?

aku : actually, all 4 brothers.

dia : ah memang manja la niiii!

dia : manja habis ni!

dia : patutlah takde boyfriend nanti abang-abang semua interrogate boyfriend!

dia : mesti selalu kena buli kan?

aku : ye biasalah tu.

*gelak kedai kopi lagi*

School

dia : you duduk mana?

aku : just in KL, Lembah Keramat

dia : oh this Keramat, i see i see. school?

aku : a daily school, also in Lembah Keramat - SMK Lembah Keramat

dia : a daily school, 10 A's... so you must be the top student then?

aku : .... yes i was.

dia : so, how did you become the best student? what did you do?

aku : to me, it's all about different people having different ways of studying. so we don't have to follow others, we just have to know what suits us and what's right for us.

dia : so, what's right for you?

aku : people need convincing when i tell them how i study, because it's not conventional. i... study at the last minute and late at night, because i work best under pressure.

dia : work best under pressure eh? mestilahhh, ayah dia askar!

dia : ni kalau belajar masa perang pun takde hal niii!

*gelak kedai kopi*

dia : you tak pernah masuk asrama ke apa ke?

aku : pernah, when i was in form 1 but i decided to leave at the end of the year, after 7 months.

dia : kenapa?

aku : ada sebab peribadi yang tak dapat dielakkanla.

dia : sebab peribadi apa? troubles to adapt?

aku : er... not exactly. sebab peribadila.

dia : sebab peribadilah mana boleh cerita!

dia : yelah i tanyalah sebab pelik jugak keluar dah lepas 7 bulan kan?

dia : then after that you masuk sekolah tu lah? stay from form 1 sampai form 5?

aku : ya (bangga dan terharu tskkkk)

dia : what did you do at school, in term of co curricular participations?

aku : for one, i had been a member of Girl Guides since i was in standard four. so i participated in marching competitions for years - throughout my primary school and a few years during high school.

dia : ok, sebab dah lama dalam Pandu Puteri, buat ape lagi?

aku : like i've said, i joined marching team. i also participated in community service, it was a cleaning programme (GOTONG ROYONG LOL OH MY ENGLISH!) at a mosque -

dia : oh, masjid dekat Lembah Keramat?

aku : tak, dekat Ulu Kelang.

dia : oh, masjid Al-Ridhuan!

aku : ye.

dia : dah bersih ke masjid tu?

dia : takpe, ada masjid dekat belakang ni lagi kalau nak tolong bersihkan.

*gelak gelak kedai kopi*

dia : so what role did you play in Pandu Puteri? bukan ada rank ke, kakak, queen or something?

aku : i was the vice president when i was in -

dia : oh senanglah keje jadi vice president sebab president dah ade betul tak?

dia : the president does all the work already, so you tak payah buat pape lah.

aku : well, it depends on the type of president actually.

*GELAK KEDAI KOPI BESAR KAT SINI AND THEY EXCHANGED SOME INSIDE JOKES ("kalau president tak buat kerja, habislah orang bawahan dia hahaha") AND IF YOU CARE ABOUT THE LATEST ISSUES, YOU WOULD KNOW WHAT THEY WERE TALKING BOUT. I THINK I DO*

Studies

dia : so did you apply for other scholarships?

aku : yes, i did but i was rejected by all except for Felda and MARA.

dia : so how did that go?

aku : as for MARA, i did go to the interview and now i'm waiting for the result -

dia : which will be announced when?

aku : 1 June.

*gelak kedai kopi which for the first time i didn't understand why*

dia : 1 June tu bukan nama orang ke?

dia : hahah 1 June, 1 June!

aku : (is there a chinese named Wan Jun or wut?)

dia : you're the second person you know, who said 1 June.

aku : (tersedar kesilapan oh my english! lagi) oh hahahah, 1st of June, i'm sorry.

dia : yelaa, 1st of June la. Wan Jun tu nama orang bukan tarikh.

*gelak kedai kopi lagi*

aku : (T______T jangan jadi bengap sangat lain kali boleh tak?)

dia : how about university?

aku : i got Asasi Sains UiTM, which i will be going on 3rd of Jun.

dia : sains hayat?

aku : tak, sains je, it's not really specific. the subjects are biology, physics, chemistry -

dia : what was your favourite subject in school?

aku : i would say biology, because i'm just interested in the science of life, to learn about human bodies and living things -

dia : but you got A in SPM, isn't it?

aku : yeah, sadly it was my first time not getting an A+ for biology.

*sobs*

dia : what did you apply for MARA?

aku : i applied for psychology, A-level at INTEC for UK/US.

dia : oh, psychology eh?

aku : yes, because i'm passionate about psychology.

dia : but for Felda you applied for biotech?

aku : because i'm interested in biology. i'm more to pure bio, the knowledge of pure science. biotech involves bio -

dia : biotech involves all sciences.
dia : psychology pun ada biology, so you might as wee do what you're passionate about.

dia : medicine pun ada bio, but you're not passionate about it right?

dia : yes, you can do medicine if you want to, tapi you taknak kan.

dia : result macam ni nak belajar apa pun boleh!

dia : nak buat kapal terbang pun boleh!

*gelak kedai kopi*

Career Counselling 

dia : who's your idol in psychology?

aku : (dem aku tak pernah ambik tau tapi aku idolize penulis so...) i don't have any idol in psychology, but i adore some writers because i also love writing.

dia : rly? have you ever written articles, stories or anything?

aku : (i write stories all the time in my head and i blog too..) well i entered essay writing competitions and even won one. i got the first place when i was in form 4, it was at district level.

dia : waaa, macam-macamla you ni kan.

dia : it's good then, be a writer!

aku : i intend to, but it will only be my second profession, so i'm not thinking about it for now.

dia: one thing about you la, you tak fokus. you nak semua.

dia : dia bukan nak semua laa, dia tau apa dia nak. she wants to taste a lil bit of everything.

aku : i want to study both sciences and humanities, that's why. i don't want to just do everything science like most people do.

dia : that's good, you can get that from US education system.

aku : yes, i love the system.

dia : you belajar dekat US nanti jadilah apa you nak pun, psychologist, writer, semua boleh.

dia : bila fikir pasal kerja kadang-kadang orang fikir pasal duit. so if you want to make good money, take medicine. tapi you tak minat.

dia : writers are rich too. you tau tak satu writer ni, *name i donno*? dia femes tau sekarang. he's new but he's good. ada tiga buku dah. mula-mula yang femes kan JK Rowling (MY IDOL!), and then *names names names*, now dia pulaklaa. jadi je penulis.

dia : psychologists make money too whaaat?

dia : yes sebab tak ramai psychologist kat Malaysia ni.

aku : that's what i'm concerned about. psychology in Malaysia is not well-developed yet..

dia : it will nanti, you study je dulu.

aku : my last hope to study psychology is to get Mara.

dia : ni mara boleh dapat ni, mesti boleh ni.

aku : ( :"D tskkk)

dia : if you want to do psychology, do psychology.

aku : but i'm still interested in biology, and biotech -

dia : but you have to do what you're passionate about!

dia : eh bukan passionate dengan interested sama ke?

dia : lainlah, mana sama. macam boyfriend - guy friend tadi lah.

dia : you punya word term ni ish, lainlah. passionate tu macam betul-betul love.

dia : so you have to do what you love

aku : yes, i want to. but since my original plan did not work out, so i must think of a back up plan.

dia : apa original plan tu?

aku : well, my first choice for UPU was human science, UIA because i want to do Bachelor in Psychology later. but i was rejected sebab diorang hanya ambik budak sastera je untuk asasi tu -

dia : of course, you dah overqualified already!

*gelak kedai kopi*

aku : so i got my 2nd choice, asasi sains UiTM.

dia : what is your plan then from there?

aku : since i am not able to study psy, i might do Bachelor in Biology or Physiology, i'll see how it goes from there.

dia : you know what, i think macam ni la. you pergi jumpa dekan UIA personally, mesti dia bagi masuk punya. takkan rejectlah. macam i cakap tadi, buat kapal terbang pun boleh.

aku : but i'm afraid it might be too late since i'm registering for asasi in two weeks -

dia : it's never too late. sebab kita taknak nanti you menyesal. half way study you'll regret it, or dah kerja berapa tahun nanti you'll wonder what if you did study psychology.

aku : but... i don't know, because the first time i tell people i wanted to do psy, it was not easy to convince them. they tell me to choose something else, but i still insisted on studying psy. but now since i didn't get my first choice, i'm starting to think maybe it's not the right thing for me. you know how something we love might not be good for us? so i'm afraid that's the case. maybe psychology is not for me and i should study something else, i don't wanna make the wrong choice.

dia : eh mana boleh macam tu. mana boleh dengar apa orang kata. buat je apa you suka.

dia : as long as it's not something wrong laaah.

dia : you want to study psychology because you want to be a psychologist right?

aku : actually i haven't figured that out yet. because to be a psychologist one must pursue postgrad studies. so maybe after degree i will work in human resource or something, before thinking of where to go next.

dia : macam ni jelah, you jumpa dean UIA, buat rayuan, masuk UIA. dekat je kat sini. takyah jauh-jauh. your family won't let you go away punyaaa

aku : actually, my mom always tells me to go where ever i want to (force me, to be exact). and it has always been my dream since i was a little girl to study overseas -

dia : tapi after degree you boleh lagi study overseas kan untuk master semua

aku : (taktau camne nak cakap aku takde plan untuk sambung master nanti, macam tak berwawasan lah pulak LOLOLOL)

Questions

aku : can i ask a question?

dia : sure you can.

aku : is there any possibility that i can change my field of study? you know from biotech to both bio and psychology?

dia : it's not possible, since we don't need workforce or professionals in that area. we need biotechnologists for our research centre in nilai. if you take biotech, you'll be majoring in genetic engineering for plants, to modify characteristics and all that... you know?
dia : itu lah, kalau you tak minat, takpe. nanti kang ada yang bercakap dengan pokok kang sebab nak jadi psychologist sangat
*gelak kedai kopi*

aku : does this discussion about whether i should study psychology or not affects your decision to choose me?

dia : no. when you come in here we don't only interview you, we counsel you along the way so you don't make the wrong choice and won't feel regret later.

aku : are there other people like me....?

dia : a few actually. we had two who would like to do dentistry, so we told them if you want to do dentistry, go out and do dentistry.

dia : and when you become a dentist give us a discount!

dia : dentists are rich you know. gigi macam you ni (me) takde la kena bayar banyak sangat -

dia : tapi gigi orang tua macam kitorang, memang kaya la dia!

*gelak kedai kopi*

dia : kitorang semua ni, dah taraf bapak2 dah untuk you -

dia : dah atuk-atuk dah pun.

dia : ya, so we try to help you as much as we can.

lepas tu, dah. sign of dismiss. the end.

aku dengan gelabahnya bangun cakap terima kasih banyak kali ("terima kasih, terima kasih. thanks, for the counsel mostly," *gelak kedai kopi*) sampai aku lupa nak cakap thanks for this opportunity and please consider me macam aku cakap masa MARA dulu lololol. taktaulah kalau sembang pasal psy tu merendahkan peluang untuk dapat Felda (daripada ambik aku yang tak berapa minat biotech, baik ambik budak yang betul-betul minat betul tak?) sebab kalau aku jadi dorang, memang aku nilai budak tu berdasarkan sedalam mana minat dia dalam bidang yang dia mintak.

tapi tak dapat pun takpe. dah jadi 1 of the 45 shortlisted candidates ni pun dah buat aku cukup bersyukur. taktau camne boleh sampai sini, mungkin rezeki, mungkin resume dan sijil banyak main peranan, mungkin untuk kasi pengalaman, atau mungkin untuk kasi pandangan. yes, i'm referring to the counselling session.

it was not like an interview, AT ALL. if anything, it was a conversation, a discussion, or at its best, a career counselling. it was also like kedai kopi, lots of laughter. kecoh betul. semua rilek je. and to think dorang ni ketua department masing-masing, bos besar, board of directors, memang tabik ah. rasa macam dengan kawan pun ada. i was smiling all the timeeeee.

what they said about psychology, buat mataku berair. i was at the edge of tears because i was at the edge of losing hope, or going with the flow. it's a fine line between accepting what you get and making efforts to change it, which might be the only obstacle between you and your real fate.

but.... more on that later.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE 50 RINGGIT NOTE?!

oh sorry, i forgot. kids, i knew that Felda interviewees were given RM 50 after the interview. but after my first interview, i didn't get it, nobody did, so i thought they didn't give the 50 ringgit token anymore... i was surprised and glad to be handed the note before i left today when i least expect it. my theory was those interviewees received the money after the first interview because before this, there was only ONE interview... but now there are two interviews, so the lucky ones who made it to the second stage got the token instead.

so kids, sometimes, what we want will come to us the moment we stop hoping.

*a yellow umbrella passes by*

padappapapapaaaapadadadadadapaaadadadadadadada~

Luqman :)

Luqman, you wrote me  a farewell poem. so i blog a farewell post. Good luck at Uniten! before that, read this crap.

when you said you wanna gimme something and i refused but you said it's not physical, i knew you would do something like this. this is better than anything :)

Before we were friends, all i could remember are our disagreements. you hated Glee, i justified it. you hated Harry and Hermione's kissing scene, i justified it (now that i think about it it was obscene but i watched it in NZ ya no, it didn't feel wrong.... slap me). once you even asked whether i liked someone on his wall. on FB! in public! gila ke kau ni. now we're friends, i might as well answer it. yes i did like him. if you don't remember who it was, kindly keep forgetting, tq.

the moment i started paying attention to your existence was when i heard you had a plan up your sleeve. of course you weren't serious (please tell me you weren't), but it's my responsibility to be the voice of reason right? i didn't want to be the guilty classmate who 'heard about it but did nothing until it was too late'. since then, you're no longer just a classmate. you're a friend.

who would have thought how my initial intention of helping you even when you didn't ask for any help got me a friend who helps me instead? a friend in need is a friend indeed.

Your concern makes me feel like "ahhh aku ok kenapa orang cakap aku tak okkk." but hey, at least someone cares and asks me what's wrong instead of liking my status and ignoring my subconscious cry for help right? lolol. 

and you, mister, always ask me "make up eh harini?" DUDE COMPACT POWDER AND LIB BALM AREN'T MAKE UP. THEY ARE BASIC NEEDS FOR PLAIN GIRLS LIKE ME. AKU TAK PAKAI LIPSTICK BAGAI PUN ORANG CAKAP AKU MEKAP, APAKAH. but it's alright, i understand you tend to compare other girls with She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

God is Just. Trust Him, and trust me when i say insyaallah, He's reserving better things for you. you've just gotta turn to him always, and have faith. I believe Allah is just testing us, giving us a challenge so we can win the award, be rewarded  with a better life letter. life's tough, but we're tougher right? the tougher the test, the better the prize. i know you're not much of a man with patience as his virtue (like you always say) but think of what you've been doing this whole time? being patient isn't it? so just keep on being patient, but with a positive attitude. and i know you're not a fan of this kind of talk, but i just have to. you know me.

I'm glad You-Know-Who came into your life and turned things around. you were so different back then! and you had a good enough reason. even some of my friends are surprised when i say we're friends now, that you're a good friend, even a better friend than some.

trust me, you're a good guy. another "i'm useless" and i'll kill you. like someone once said to me, you're a good guy whom bad things happen to.

Siapa yang kasi kata semangat bila kawan dia down? siapa yang message tanya ok tak bila kawan dia tak datang sekolah padahal kawan dia memang kaki ponteng? siapa yang FB message tanya are you alright bila kawan dia update status emo? siapa yang tau kawan dia jiwa kacau bila tengok tumblr tragik belaka? siapa yang sanggup dengar keluh kesah kak esah kawan dia? siapa yang buat kawan dia rasa berharga bila kawan dia rasa shit? siapa yang risau pasal kawan dia sampai jadi mengundang kadang2? kau jugak. muahahah.

all those late nights of sending and replying fb messages about each other's updates on each other's life crisis LOL, where i poured my heart out kesian kau kena layan aku, those days of telling each other what happened at school, i will never forget those Luqman. kau laki pertama yang aku cepat rapat. by rapat bukannya rapat mengada as in texting and whatever, tapi rapat yang boleh kongsi rahsia, rapat yang betul-betul sebab kawan. i like it. i have a guy friend i can trust, what i've always wanted since forever. what i sometimes did get, but it turned out bad. it was a time when i couldn't trust men because of many reasons (not lovey dovey stupid reasons la tapi), but suddenly, there you were.

i know we've only been friends for like a year. i know we're not gonna talk like we did in school days. but i'll never forget the one year when we were friends. i'll never forget the guy who cried when Diena and i went to watch the final Harry Potter movie with him and he asked us to do him a favour because he's trembling and shy - a favour involving someone in green shirt. i'll never forget the guy who stared out of the window dreamily, smiling to himself and made up lame excuses as if we didn't know who's in his mind. the guy who i always ask frustratingly "what are you mumbling cakapla kuat sikit!" the one guy i didn't think i would be friends with, how we listen to each other, how he helps me with my dramas and how i'm excited listening to his soap operas.

don't forget me Luqman, i used to be the supporter, the listener, the friend who's always genuinely happy for you, who hoped you get what you want in life, especially THAT ONE, and who you've promised a VIP seat if her wish for you comes true. i was and will always be if time, place and chance allow me.

thanks for always being there, for listening, trusting me, telling me, i appreciate you letting me in. thanks for always knowing the right thing to say, and for always reminding me "you deserve to be happy, you deserve better." thank you.

this short while of knowing you is enough to make me say thank you for being a good friend and for all the things you do, i will remember you.

Aijugheen :)

Aijugheeeen!

Sebenarnya plan asal kita (yang dibantutkan oleh kemalasan macam biasa) memang nak tulis untuk semua orang satu post macam ni tau, eh takdelah semua orang. mati aku blogging kang. tapi orang yang kita kenal lama, atau cukup kenal. awak kita tak kenal lama, tapi kita rasa kita cukup kenal, walaupun mungkin tak sekenal mana, tapi kenal lebih daripada biasa untuk orang yang baru kenal 2 tahun je... wut.

tapi harini kan beday awak, and since kita bukan jenis orang yang kasi hadiah beday sebab kita taktau nak kasi apa (sebab tu kalau kita pegi mana-mana kita beli souvenir untuk semua orang, or tetiba kasi toblerone untuk kelas macam last year - kira beday present ah tu kan), kita blog pasal awak, ok? kekekeke.

hari last sekolah - jamuan last kelas

ape? lu ingat wa sombong dulu? itulah dia pepatah kata, tak kenal maka tak cinta. muka kita tak pernah kerek pun kita rasa, siapa yang kita kenal and kawan kita senyumlah, senyum kat semua orang kang pe cer. tapi kalau terbuat eye contact ngan sesape pastu muka dia friendly, kita senyumla kat dia. kita tak pernah senyum kat awak sebab muka awak tak friendly la tu. bahahaaa.

pastu awak kata dak KRK kerek.... weh pedih. orang salu ingat kitorang kerek :( tsk. kita tak pernah pun kata budak bukan KRK kerek... sebab kita tak pernah kesah lolololol. kita dulu dengan geng kita, awak dengan geng awak, mana kesah pasal orang lain kan. lagipun takde sebab yang buat kita jadi kawan - kita bukan pengawas, awak tak add kita kat Myspace (LOL), so begitulah kisahnya.

bila masuk form 4 kawan kita lesap... kawan awak pun lesap... ramai yang kawan lesap dan ditinggalkan sorang-sorang jadi sunyi. kita agak depressi. kita macam lost. kita benci sangat pergi sekolah time tu. ada masa kita kat sekolah, mata kita berair tetiba. rasa lain bila kawan-kawan pindah. dorang kat tempat baru, kenal orang baru, ada hidup baru. kita sama je kat sini. sebenarnya dah tak sama, sebab rasa kosong. rasa not belong. dengan drama kelas lagi yang takleh blah dulu tu. wa tensi i tell yu.

gambar first dengan awak kat sekolah - gambar last dengan awak kat sekolah

bila kita baca apa yang kita blog time kita form 4, memang kelakar, sebab macam sengsara sangat dah hahah. manalah kita tau, tak lama kendian, kita dapat kawan-kawan baru ;)

when we're all alone, we're together. when we're alone together, we have each other.

budak-budak kena tinggal mula harapkan each other. mula kisah untuk kenal orang yang sebelum ni tak kawan pun takpe. ada hikmah kan? bila tak kenal, semua orang nampak bosan, tak main peranan. tapi bila kenal, orang itulah yang kita cari untuk cerita pape, kongsi rahsia, yang kita harapkan.

awak pun salah sorang daripada orang-orang tu. nasib baik kita dua kena tinggal, dari forever alone together, kita jadi friends forever, insyaallah.

lepas awak masuk balik AB, awak duduk sebelah kita kan? time tu kita mula tak awkward bila sembang pasal conspiracy theory. takleh blah. sembang pasal apa kita tengok kat tv, HIMYM segala. sape sangka benda mengarut and benda buang masa boleh bond two people together? eh bukan two je. Diena pun sama ada bila kita sembang benda tah pape <3

aizureen, kita taktau lah awak tau tak kita tau ni, tapi kita rasa awak pernah blog pasal kita. time tu baru kawan camtu. awak puji kita.... kita tak ingat sangat tapi kita ingat one word : amazing. kita sangat terharu. awak jangan cakap kita salah baca salah paham sebab kita tau awak cakap pasal kitaaa. budak sebelah awak dalam kelas, yang mula-mula awak ingat macam tu macam ni, tapi bila dah kenal baru awak tau kita macam mana. awak kata awak sengaja layan kita macam awak layan orang lain, sometimes lagi teruk sebab awak tau kita tak suka camne sesetengah orang layan kita, cara dorang lain. awak kata awak tau kita nak orang layan kita macam biasa. and bila awak jadi bengong kuajja ngan kita semua, memang kita suka <3

time tu kita macam..... wow. 

AND AWAK DULU SALU CAKAP AWAK TAK PERNAH NAMPAK KITA MARAH. awak cam pelik kenapa kita tak pernah marah. awak kata kita nampak hepi je haha terharu aiii. dah lama kenal sikit awak kata memang jarang nampak kita marah tapi kalau kita marah tu muka memang menakutkan la hahaha.

masuk form 5, kita laaaagi rapat. masa ni dua-dua bukak cerita macam-macam. kita selalu mata berair terharu teruja dengar 'fasa bahagia' awak.... and mata still berair sebak bila tau pasal kisah tu yang dah berubah. awak ingat kan apa kita cakap kat awak masa kita lepak kat Hot n Roll tu? ingat tau. kita sentiasa sokong dari dulu, tapi kalau jadi camtu..... awak pun tau.

OMEGOD, tetiba teringat segala drama yang buat kita terduduk masa awak cerita.... alah yang tu tu tuuuuu. hahah banyaklah mesti awak konfius kita cakap pasal yang mana ni. AND INGAT TAK masa kita bodoh terpecahkan rahsia sendiri kat awak??? kita dah cerita pasal sorang budak ni tapi tak sebut nama sebab kita nak cerita pasal apa jadi kat kita, tetiba masa stayback exam mid-year (YANG PATUTNYA BELAJAR) kita cerita pasal budak ni tapi kita sebut nama sebab kita nak cerita pasal apa jadi kat dia... and awak macam "bukan ke awak dah cerita pasal ni dulu... tapi budak lain...? ke....?!"

pastu kita still dapat cover hahahah tapi mocom bodoh gilaaaa. then kantoi jugak akhirnya masa stayback nak 'study' untuk exam tu. EH KENAPA KITA SALU CERITA MACAM-MACAM MASA EXAM AH? KALAU STAYBACK DENGAN AWAK MEMANG TAKKAN STUDYLA, SAMPAI PUKUL 5 PETANG PUN ASYIK SEMBANG.

rindu betul, tsk.

kita dua ada gak cerita pasal besfwen memasing, takleh blah sebab besfwen awak bukan besfwen kte and besfwen kte bukan besfwen awak. tapi kita still cerita pasal dorang taktau kenapa hahahah. contohnya rahsia sorang kawan kte ni ada boipren, awak tau dulu padahal orang lain taktau lagi tau, and awak salu cerita kat kita pasal kawan awak sorang tu. mungkin sebab best friends don't keep secret to each other, so when we share our best friend's secrets, it means we've become besfwen tooo <3

comel tulisan awak

awak selalu main ngan kita satu game mengarut ni - dua pilihan teruk, pilih yang mana. salah satunya camni "awak nak laki camne, yang panas baran atau yang lembut macam pondan, tapi dia tak pondan dia lembut je," HAHAHA. kita dua salu sangat sembang dalam kelas, masa PAI (TAU TAK LIMA TAHUN USTAZ AJAR KITA, KITA FOCUS DENGAR WALAUPUN ADA YANG TIDOLAH BUAT KERJA LAINLAH SEMBANGLAH, TAPI MASA FORM 5 FIRST TIME KITA SEMBANG SLOW-SLOW DENGAN AWAK SAMBIL JELING BUKU TEKS TIME USTAZ KAT DEPAN, KESIAN USTAZ TAU TAK SEBAB TU KITA SALU RASA BERSALAH AWAK AH NI), masa mak awak, skeje lambat siap pastu mummy tanya "ama dah siap?" tak, sebab sembang ngan anak mummy ah ni har har, eh banyak sangat sembanglah kita. masa BI tetiba tcer suruh hantar buku, gelabah terus. tapi tak hantar gak. pastu malas nak buat keje betul-betul, kita jawab je on the spot kalau tcer tanya soalan. muahaaa. ni semua sebab awak ni. tapi kita suka hari-hari terakhir sekolah begitu :')

kat makmal lagilaaaah salu sembang. meja kita wajib ada awak, faz, diena, kita. buku kuning fizik tak siap-siap gak, module bio tiru orang, tangan gerak meniru mulut sibuk bersembang. tak guna betul kita bahahaha.

INGAT TAK GULING-GULING KAT DINDING? KITA PANGGIL BLENDER. AWAK GULING KITA DULU, PASTU KITA GULING AWAK BERPUSING PUSING KAT DINDING. INGAT TAAAAK? KITA SUKA OH. SEDAP. CAM KERUSI URUT. OR KATIL URUT. AW.

AWAK ORANG PERTAMA DUKUNG KITA AWAK TAU TAK, K SELAIN FAMILY KITA LAH. BEBERAPA KALI JUGAK AWAK DUKUNG KITA BUAT KITA RASA TERHARU BAJET RINGAN SANGAT AKU NIH. AND THEN DUDUK ATAS AWAK AWAK KATA KITA TAK BERAT, AWAK PELUK KITA AWAK KATA KITA KECIK, AWAK TAU TAK KATA-KATA ITU KATA-KATA MOTIVASI?! HAHAH. AWAK SALU PELUK KITAAA, KITA SUKA AWAK PELUK KITAAA. SAPA NAK PELUK KITA LAGI PASNI. MACAM AWAK TULIS DALAM THE BLUE BOOK, KADNAG-KADANG AWAK CAM MAK KITA, KADANG-KADANG KITA CAM MAK AWAK. SAMA-SAMA MATANG, SAMA-SAMA MANJA.

satu lagi benda yang buat awak awesome ialah........ awak..... dengan kita........ agak........ tutt. BAHAHAHAH. cepat tangkap...... er......... cam les sikit takutkan budak pompuan kelas....... dorang salu takut ngan kita dua....... ingat tak kita salu buat lawak..... er..... weh open sangat kat sini hahahaha. tapi kita dua paling tak senonohlah dalam geng kita (pergh geng daaah). tapi masih sopan, aw. first time ada kawan sekepala yang tak terlalu naif, tak terlalu over (Y) yang sedang-sedang saje.

OMAIGOD BUDAK MISAI INGAT TAK MASA TU KELUAR MAKMAL FIZIK, KITA NAMPAK DIA, AWAK NAMPAK DIA, PASTU KITA BERTENTANG MATA, PASTU KITA GELAK SAMPAI MENANGIS-NANGIS BERTENGGONG KAT TEPI CORRIDOR TU

dengan awak kita sembang pasal tv, pasal konspirasi teori tah pape semua tu, pasal benda jiwang, pasal rahsia family, pasal KENAPA KITA DUA MASA KECIK NAK JADI PSYCHOLOGIS OR KAUNSELOR CAM FADHILAH KAMSAH, DIENA PUN SAMA, TIGA-TIGA NAK JADI SEBAB SAMA, AND THEN MASA KECIK KITA TIGA CAM DEPRESSI PASTU NAK BUAT BENDA MENGARUT SEMUA, FIRST TIME KITA JUMPA DUA ORANG YANG MASA KECIK LEBIH KURANG NGAN KITAAA.

ohai diena. teheee sayang awak jugak.

awak ingat kan spek pink kita hilang time bila? tu pun sebab awak jugak haaaaa. awak cerita kat kita cerita sedih pastu mata kita berair and then awak cam pehal maaa padahal mata awak berair gak tau, pastu kita cam jom ah gi toilet, gi toilet sembang lagi mata berair lagi, masuk jap kencing, before tu letak spek kat luar dulu, keluar sembang lagi, masuk kelas tetiba..... mana spek aku?! kesian kita.

mata kita selalu berair dengar cerita awak sebab kita mungkin tak faham apa awak rasa sepenuhnya, tapi kita faham sikit berdasarkan pengalaman tak seberapa kita. kalau awak cerita pape or kita cerita pape, dua-dua cam "kaaaaan???", kadang awak sambung ayat kita, kadang kita sambung ayat awak, pastu dua-dua memahami. tsk. sebab tu kita dua suka karoke lagu emo kan kan kan.

at least in my case, i did the right thing ai. i hope you will too, or something right will happen to you.

i know you are strong, i know you've faced tests and challenges better than most people can, some even i have no idea whether i can handle it like you did. i know you never loose faith. simpan segala message kita and post ni so awak ingat apa kita kata anytime you feel like losing it, although i doubt you will. because aijugheen is a superrr womaaaaan.

you were one of a very few people who made my last year of high school bearable despite everything and everyone else which sometimes i couldn't stand, but i knew you were there to be my friend. two years quickly ended, but things we shared together were priceless, as if i've known you for years. maybe things will not change, maybe nothing will ever be the same, but one thing for sure, i will always remember you, and i hope you will never forget me too.

thanks for the memories, we'll make some more later.

Why I Love My Mother

There shouldn't be a reason why one should love their mother. it shouldn't even be questioned.

You should love your mother because she's your mother, it's that simple. even animals love their mother, it's that natural. you should love her because you only have one mother. if you don't love her, then who will you love? your girlfriend? love for your father doesn't even come close. if she's gone, there's no one else, i repeat, no one else that will be your mother. of course, not every woman can bear children, but she still can love one as her own. a woman such as her might come into your life, but no woman will replace the one who pushed you out of her vagina or whose belly was cut open before a doctor pulled you out of her. yes.

however, it has been known to happen in some cases how some people hate their own mother, whether for the right or wrong reasons it doesn't matter because after you've lost her you will feel bad, you will be sad, trust me, no matter how you want to get rid of her. i don't know how you feel, cos i never hate my mom (although i know how it feels not to like my own flesh and blood), but this one, i know. you will feel sorrow.

ok i just mentioned how you should love your mother because they are your mother, no other reason is required. but i still want to tell you why i love my mother. cos quite paradoxically, i wonder why anyone would love their mother besides the obvious reasons i have stated, because their mother is not my mother. muahahaha. *please honour me with a bitchslap if you understand what i just said*

Why I Love My Mother

*parappapapapapadadadapapadadadadadadada - How I Met Your Mother soundtrack*

Mama as a housewife

i understand that some mothers need to help their hubby earn money, and i respect those who do well at both being a mother and a worker because not everyone can carry the responsibilities. i know some working moms who buy food from mamak, McD and all that everyday not because they can't cook but because they don't want to, rely on maids to do everything including washing their underwears (not cool) or even worse, get their old parents to help them with all sorts of stuffs that are supposed to be done by themselves.

but no matter how capable a working woman is in being a wife and a mother, it will never, i repeat, neverrrrr be the same as having a full-time housewife and a stay-at-home mom. i'm not saying other women do a less brilliant job at being a wife and a mother, but it's just.... different. i have a couple of friends whose mom is a housewife, and they understand. "memang tak sama, memang lain sangat," they said. for that, babah was and i am eternally grateful for having such a lady in da house.

what makes me more terharu is, my mom is actually someone who enjoyed working. enjoyed waking up in the morning, taking public transport during her anak dara old days, doing whatever her boss told her to do, going to lunch with workmates, and being paid at the end of the month. even now, she enjoys looking at neighbours dressing up and driving off to work.

she got married at 24, had her first baby a year later, had her second the following year in Philippine as she followed babah who was a soldier transferred to the country, got back to homeland and worked for a while before she had her third son, which marked the end of her career life. 

since then, for almost 30 years, she has been a housewife whose routine is very tiring everyday, but which she has been doing anyway.

that's what inspired me to be a housewife. because being a housewife is the most noble job a woman can do. to leave all the glory and fame of being a career woman and spend your life at the service of your family, it's not easy, i tell you. my mom gives so much to babah and her children. by staying at home, you don't just be a housewife, but you be a cook, a cleaner, a friend, a teacher, and so much more.

if God wills it, if i marry someone whose salary is enough to make him the only breadwinner in the family, then i shall quit my job like my mom did, and even if i can't contribute on a smaller scale to the country, i still can contribute something to my family which means the world to them and me. 

when my friends find out this desire of mine, i think you can guess their reactions. being skeptic, saying i'm being unrealistic and all that shitz. that i'm being foolish despite what i have and will achieve. i don't care what i study and who i will be, at the end of the day i still want to do unpaid work for my family. study is study, it is necessary. but it's a different story. they just don't understand.

some people can't understand this, but i do, for my mother is a housewife too.

the only thing is.... i'm not sure if i'm a housewife material.

Mama as a teacher

being a stay-at-home mom gave my mom the chance and time to teach me things other kids were taught by their kindergarten teachers, mostly. at the age when some kids should know something already, they don't. because their parents are busy working. i myself have no idea how some parents can work and still entertain their kids, it must be deadly exhausting. sending kids to taska and something like that helps, but not as much.

my mom was never a teacher, but she was one to me. the first surah i memorize when i couldn't even read Quran was 'inna a'taina kal kautsar'. i was only 3. she said she can never forget how i, dengan pelat dan comelnya (her words weh haha), recite the surah. at an age as early as that too, she taught me how to mengaji, read, calculate. babah told her "dia kecik lagi," but she said i was the one who wanted to learn. sadly, once i know how to read Al-Quran, i was so lazy i took years to khatam. i did when i was 7, way ahead of my peers, but my mom still said if i wasn't too lazy, i would have khatam-ed much earlier and saved her the trouble.

yes, i did give her troubles during my 'kelas mengaji'. sometimes i wouldn't mengaji even if she forced me. when i was wrong and she corrected me, i would rebel. dia marahlah dah aku buat perangai, and there's even a page in the Quran i first read (which is still mine now) yang terkoyak. because i was crying and i was showing her my protest. i didn't tear it on purpose though, it was a 'collateral damage'.

but all her (and my) hardwork paid off as when i was asked to mengaji at sekolah rendah, i had no problem, there was one time when my seniors at sekolah agama was in charge of our class (ustaz ustazah ada meeting) they asked me to mengaji. they were surprised because they expected a pause here and there, a stutter or something. when they asked and i told them aku dah khatam, baru dorang faham.

i remember using my bro's notebook to write a b c to z, the numbers and somethings of that sort. i made trips to the kitchen for the sole reason of asking my mom to make me some exercises. '4 + 7 - 3' and all that, i wasn't even in kindergarten yet. sadly, that all stopped when i should be doing exercises at school.

when i was in kindergarten, i was the first kid who could read. it was because i already knew how to read even before the teachers taught me using 'Bacalah Anakku' series. my mom taught me. i remember reading alone outside the house, and having to shout at her asking how to pronounce this one thing, it's so hard... "ejaan dia macam mana?" she would shout back. "N-Y-A" i answered loudly. "Nya lah, kan mama dah ajar," yes she did, but 'nya' to me was one heck of a hard thing.... before i met Add Math.

being the first kid who finished 'Bacalah Anakku' i was given a prize. a storybook. 'Cendawan', or something like that. about some animals finding shelter under a mushroom when it was raining.... or something. i can't remember, but i really did love that book. the cover alone was colourful and cute. i still have it.

when my teachers asked me to read muqaddam, i didn't exactly read it... because i had already memorized most of the surahs. so i just pretended to look at the muqaddam and recite whatever i knew in my head, because if i really read it, i would be nervous and screw up . i don't even know why.

everything i know today, it started with my mother. it started with her being my first teacher. she gave me a good start, and every Teacher's Day, it is also a day to celebrate her.

my mom said the reason she sent me to kindergarten when i was 6 was only because she wanted me to socialize. or else, i would have been one of those kids who cried and couldn't let go of their mom and too shy to make new friends on the first day of school. her method worked, because the first day of school, i insisted my mom to go home quickly and when my bro came during recess to buy me food, i asked him to leave immediately. uda, you were embarrassing me.

Mama as a friend

i used to question God (LOL) why my mom isn't like those moms on tv. when i was in primary school, it was my depression era, my dark age. the difference between me now and me then is i used to be freaking secretive i wouldn't tell anything to anyone even if it killed me inside. so i was hoping my mom would come to me when she knew i was depressed and be like "what's wrong dear, tell mama," but she never did, because she wasn't just that type of mom.

now when i know how my friends' moms are, i wonder if those momS on tv actually exist. i'll even be skeptical about it anytime the tv shows parents or siblings so concern and kind to each other, saying "dalam tv bolehlaa!"

it doesn't matter if my mom isn't anything like moms on tv, because at least, my mom is real. she's here. now i'm more talkative and expressive, i still keep some things to myself but i am no longer so secretive. plus, if my mom isn't that kinda mom who comes to me and asks what's wrong, i'll be the kinda daughter who comes to her and tells her who does me wrong.

since i lower my guard, i am always the one who goes to her and tells her everything. she asks sometimes about some things, so there are some improvements in our relationship. hahah. i even tell her things she would rather not know, like who my crush is. i show her some pictures of some of my ex-crushes and she always says "tak hensem pun," and i will convince her "dia tak fotogenik, kat luar memang hensem," hahah. 

she has a different idea of who is 'handsome' and 'nice', and although i used to love the idea secretly, now i hate it to the core. maaa, you know most things. but some things, i know more. as i grow older, i find it easier to tell mama almost everything. there are some things i refuse to let her know, but sometime i just burst it all out, with crying and sobbing included in the package.

sometimes when i'm talking to her, i know she isn't listening (like alwaysss) and i would go like "maaaa dengarlaaaaaaaaaa" or turn off the tv so she can focus on my story. so you should know, my mother being my best friend, is my effort. in any relationship really, be it with anyone, you have to crash the wall down and instead, build a bridge. in simpler word, being ego won't help anything.

even if my mom isn't someone who will rub my head or hug me when i'm sad, she's always there when i feel faktap and need her. i don't want to tell her what's bothering me most of the times, i just want to be with her.  even when i explode, i hide my tears. she will say some things which might not help, but make me feel better.

the third seven years of a child's life, parents should be their friends. my mom nailed it.

Mama as a chef

My mama is a chef, nuff said. she cooks like she owns a restaurant or work at a 5-star hotel. i no kid okeh.

i know how everyone will say their mom's cooking is the best, i know i know. mungkin sebab dengan air tangan dia lah kita membesar kan. i even know someone whose mother cooks macam untuk orang sakit makan..... not enough garam and everything. and she still thinks her mom's food is the best. weird.

HOWEVER MY MOM is not in a case such as that one lah k. other people who have tasted my mother's cooking knows it is da bomb lah k. da bomb. daaaa. bomb. k nuff ama nuff.

Mama as a supporter

i can talk about how mama supports me in many ways, emotionally, financially... hehhe. but this time, i just want to talk about how she always, always, always prays for her children.

when my bros are studying overseas and they have exams, my mom would count the different time zone between US and Malaysia, and then recite Al-Quran, some special surahs, and solat hajat for them, for every paper, every day. i tell ya that.

she does the same thing for me. she wakes up at 4 am, even i rarely wake up that early, on days when i have exams and tests. as SPM was getting closer, she wakes up way before subuh more and more. sometimes dia puasa untuk aku, seeing as aku jenis orang yang takleh puasa hari periksa. 

if you have been reading my blog for a long time, you should know that i honestly think all my good exam results were because of my mom's prayers. always. i'm not lying. i studied at the last minute every time, and i didn't finished studying everything almost all the time, but my results made me look as if i was someone who studied everyday, all day, and have everything in my head already, when the fact is, i was not that person.

my mom's prayers made up for the person i was not able to be.

if you're wondering, well i must say that our mother-daughter relationship isn't perfect. we disagree and argue all the freaking time. even now, we're giving each other silent treatment. she expects too much from me, as she should, cos i'm too lazy. that is just one among many reasons why we always end up fighting.

but she's my mom and i'm her daughter, at the end of the day we will start talking again to each other :D

ok, i think this is enough. although i can go onnn and onnnnnn and bore all of you as though i'm the only one who loves my mom. but seriously, i love her to the point of not acting the way i should considering i'm 18 olredi. i always ask her why am i like this maaaaaa, and she has no idea.

i'm just full of love and i have nobody else to give it to babeh.

wanna be somebody?

*bitchslap*

How I Love My Mother

It's raining and I'm crying.

today is mother's day, but my mom, the best mother in the world, isn't celebrated. no big deal? it has been a long time since Mother's Day is celebrated in our family. they just don't care. of course we love Mama so much, we don't need a special day. i myself, hug and kiss and tell her i love her every day, all day.

aku paling manja, bukan sebab aku mengada, tapi sebab aku taktau camne nak tunjuk aku hargai dia. so aku just baring sebelah dia, duduk sebelah dia, tengok tv sebelah dia, baca paper sebelah dia, and do all sorts of things i bet other 18-year-olds wouldn't do. aku kesah hape kau nak panggil aku anak manja? dulu aku kesah, aku malu, aku memang tak serapat ni dengan mak aku. padahal baru sekolah rendah. tapi makin besar, aku makin sedar. nak malu apa? dia sorang je mak aku. bapak aku dah takde. aku taktau sampai bila aku ada dia. so? ada rasa nak panggil aku manja? i'm sorry if my love for my only living parent is a joke to you. don't be someone who will not get it unless your dad dies too.

in my case, it's not the devastation. but losing my dad has effects on my feelings for my mom.

my being manja has reasons. reasons most of you couldn't even understand when you were little, when i already did, and some of you can't even understand now. pity.

so yes, i give uncountable undivided shits for Mother's Day. cos i care.

seperti biasa, Hari Ibu macam hari biasa je. lepas Babah dah takde, there's no more celebrating with gifts and flowers and eating at exclusive clubs and fancy diners. it's not that we never celebrated Mama, we had a heck of celebrations in the past. to see what little shit is given in the present, makes it sadder than ever. 

seperti biasa, aku tanya ma apa dia nak. taknak pape. tanya ma dia nak aku masak apa. taknak pape. tanya ma dia nak makan apa. taknak pape. aku paksa dia. taknak pape. mak aku bukan macam aku, mak aku memang jenis tak emosional bernostalgia bersentimental.

aku selalu tanya dia yang dia memang tak kesah ke dia buat-buat tak kesah sebab taknak aku make a big deal out of everything (tak sambut Birthday, tak sambut Mother's day, takde apa-apa istimewa, anak-anak kadang-kadang macam tak guna, aku akan tinggalkan dia kesunyian keseorangan dan macam-macam lagi perkara yang aku pulak berperasaan lebih).

dia jawab dia memang tak kesah. kalau betul Alhamdulillah. because i can't bear to imagine my mom feeling like i am feeling, because it puts me in misery not to be able to make her happy. mungkin Allah memang buat mak aku macam ni sebab kalau dia macam aku, dia takkan tahan hidup macam kitorang hidup sekarang ni. things have changed so much since the good old days.

aku jugak harap mak aku takkan rindu aku bila aku sambung belajar nanti. 18 tahun aku duduk dengan dia, jadi anak yang seboleh-bolehnya habiskan setiap saat dengan dia. mungkin agak susah untuk tak rindu. tapi aku memang rela dia tak fikirkan aku, lupakan aku, as long as dia sentiasa doakan aku. sebab aku tau rindu tu perit. sunyi tu sedih. aku taknak dia rasa macam tu. biar aku sorang je yang rasa semua tu.


aku rasa mak aku tak faham macam mana aku sayang dia sebab opah aku meninggal masa mak aku umur 5 tahun. dia pun pernah cakap yang dia kecik masa tu, manelah nak faham sangat kasih sayang ni. manelah nak sedih sangat bila mak tiba-tiba pergi. sebab tu dia tak emosi, dia macam laki, macam ayah dia, macam aki. aku faham. sebab aku pun macam tu jugak dengan bapak aku. tak faham apa rasa sayang dekat bapak sendiri. sekarang baru terasa, tapi takkan pernah sama.


haritu dia tengok rancangan ape tah kat tv, cakap pasal masakan ibu. tiba-tiba dia sedih. sebab dia tak dapat rasa air tangan opah. kalau rasa pun, dia belum reti hargai. selama ni aku hari-hari puji masakan dia yang sedap gila walaupun hanya buat maggi, dia tak pernah faham tu semua. dalam rancangan tu dorang cakap walaupun mak masak telur goreng, sedap tak terkata. mak aku tak faham macam mana telur boleh sedap, maggi boleh sedap. sebab dia tak faham masakan ibu.


kesian mak aku.


but it's easier that way ma, i thought to myself. you would never experience the grief of losing a mother, you would never experience the worry i have to endure.


 even without guidance from a mother, my mother has no problem being the best mom ever.

there are things i do for my mother. but i have a feeling that she's not taking it. to make sure she does, i'll say if she doesn't take it, aku tak dapat pahala, tak kesian ke kat aku yang banyak dosa? i know i'm not a good enough daughter, so to make up for my flaws and mistakes i have alternatives, if only she agrees. it doesn't need my effort, but it's something i can afford. i say everything i get is HARAM (dah macam UAI pulak aku) if she doesn't take it. just to make sure my dear mother gets what i give.

i feel bad not buying her anything, but she says i've already given enough, particularly this year for an experience we both shared together. i will never give you enough Ma. if it's my money you're worried about, isn't it only common sense how the more we give the more we get back? i don't mind not having anything as long as i have you.

so i called my bro, just to tell him to order us something to eat. something special, something Ma loves. i think he was joking, but i couldn't accept this absurdity anymore -

"Ustaz Azhar Idrus kata Mother's Day haram"

THAT'S IT. ENUFF OF IT.

with all due respect, sudah-sudahlah haramkan benda lain ustaz, ini pun nak haramkan jugak? kenapa suka sangat haramkan benda yang tak pasti? jatuhkan hukum tanpa perbincangan dengan ulama lain? jatuhkan hukum sesuka hati? sebab  orang sekarang teruja sangat nak tau hukum semua benda? sebab senang percaya semua yang haram semata? cari kesalahan orang lain dan kasi markah kat diri sendiri sebab tak buat benda yang 'haram'? ada yang ustaz cakap memang betul. ada perkara yang tak patut dibuat atau dah sah berdosa. tapi perlu jatuhkan hukum? bila ustaz masuk bab haram memang otak saya terus shut down.

since now people tend to 'haramize' things, because people tend to believe the 'haramization' even though it comes from one source without being further discussed and concluded from many qualified sources, i resort to my own way of understanding things. if it's clearly sinful to do one thing, then don't do it. if there's no dalil, hadith or fatwa, then it's up to you if you think your niat justifies it. just because someone says something is haram, and it sounds strict and islamic enough, doesn't mean it really is.

"Hari Ibu haram sebab hari ibu patutnya hari-hari, hari-hari ibu patut disayangi dan dihargai"

R U KIDDIN ME?! 

siapa pulak suruh hargai and sayang ibu hari ni je? takde peraturan macam tu pun. harini ialah hari untuk celebrate. kalau ada duit, sebagai tanda balas jasa belanjalah mak pape. "patutnya kita kasi duit kat mak setiap bulan!" ah spesis macam ni ada je nak jawab kan? orang sekarang ada yang bekerja, belajar jauh. time ni lah nak balik, nak call, nak hantar kad ke. bukan semua duduk dengan mak dia boleh berjasa kat mak hari-hari. bukan semua orang tak malu macam aku nak tunjuk kasih sayang hari-hari. jadi hari ni hari mereka mula biasakan diri. salah? SALAH?

pasal sejarah Hari Ibu. itu dulu. hari ni korang sambut mak korang. korang sambut dengan niat yang baik, cara yang baik. faham-faham sendiri. common sense. Islam ni mudah. jangan buat Islam jadi payah. ini tak boleh itu tak boleh. masalah.

dan sebab tu, aku menangis. aku tutup telefon terus. aku lari masuk bilik angkut laptop. eh laptop pegi mana2 pun mesti ada, dalam situasi apa pun.

aku pun dengan linangan air mata dan hingus cari apa aku boleh order online. mak aku tak suka fast food ni. aku google delivery food. oh rupanya banyak makanan boleh hantar sampai rumah! oh ada Room Service Delivery yang tolong hantarkan makanan dari kedai yang takde delivery! termasuk Kenny Rogers! mak aku suka kenny rogers! aku pun pilih lah ayam dengan side dish segala.

turun bawah nak ambik fon, sebab nanti dia call nak konfemkan order.

tetiba tengok mak aku tengah masak beef steak. wut.

kesian mak aku. 

ok tadi takdelah macam ni, tadi mak aku buat steak dengan sayur je, takde prawn cocktail or fries segala. aku tanya asal tak buat, dia kata tak sempat. tula, masak steak diam-diam lagi. bukan nak bagitau. padahal aku rasa aku dah tanya dah siang tadi taknak masak pape special ke? kalau tak aku boleh tolong buat benda lain. sian mak aku. tak dapat dah makan steak kat luar, makan kat rumah pun jadilah.

tapi lagi bagus, sebab steak mak aku terrrrrbaik!

my mom's beef steak is the best in the world. everything my mom cooks is the best in the world. my mom is the best in the world. i would choose her over my life and the world.

i'm not kidding. i have for countless times imagined the worst case scenarios and how i would do anything just to save her, because i can't bear living without her. because i'm selfish. i would rather die.

when other teenagers are saying these stuffs to their so called lovers, i say it to my mother. but of course, i don't say it to her, i say it for her.

i just, i want to give the best to you today ma, like you've given the best to me everyday. but it seems i can only be by your side like any other day. it upsets me so much how you are not celebrated like other mothers. i owe you the world and more. everyday i try, but i just love you so much more than i'm able to show.

aku sayang sangat mak aku. sangat sangat sangat aku menangis fikir betapa aku sayang dia. aku menangis setiap kali aku doa panjangkan umur dia. aku menangis setiap kali aku bersyukur dia masih ada. lagilah dalam sebulan before sambung belajar ni, setiap kali aku bayangkan hidup tanpa dia, harap dia selamat and sihat sementara aku takde, dia ada untuk sambut aku balik, setiap kali tu aku menangis.

kalau aku cakap aku lagi sayang mak aku daripada korang sayang mak korang, kang kata aku over pulak.

fikir macamnilah. dari dulu salah satu sebab aku tak tenang duduk MRSM, kenapa aku taknak masuk asrama balik, kenapa aku takut nak biar mak aku pergi mana-mana, kenapa aku risau nak tidur malam-malam, kenapa aku risau nak sambung belajar kat tempat lain tinggal mak aku, kenapa aku tak perlu keluar selalu, kenapa aku tak teringin nak menggatal ngan lelaki bajet kesunyian, kenapa aku rasa aku tak perlu kahwin selagi mak aku ada, kenapa aku rasa hidup aku cukup walaupun aku ada mak aku je, ialah sebab aku sayang mak aku. aku paranoid. sebab tu aku manja. aku nak hidup puas dengan mak aku. aku sayang mak aku sangat-sangat sampai tahap yang aku taktau normal ke tak. 

doa yang sentiasa aku lafaz dalam hati and ingat dalam kepala, lepas solat, lepas mengaji, sebelum tidur and bila-bila je, lebih daripada doa aku untuk diri sendiri ialah doa semoga Allah panjangkan umur Ma, jangan ambik dia selagi aku tak bersedia, biar dia dapat tengok aku berjaya, berkeluarga, jadi mak macam dia, biar dia ada dengan aku sampai bila-bila. dengan doa ni

Maksudnya: Ya Allah, ampunilah segala dosaku, dan (dosa) kedua ibubapaku, dan rahmatilah keduanya sepertimana mereka mendidikku pada waktu kecil.

amin. amin. amin.

i always ask her what can i do for her. i know praying for her is enough. but nothing will ever be enough. that's why i try to do everything for her in every way.

if that makes me the wrong one here to want to celebrate my own mother on Mother's Day?

then, proudly guilty.