Dont Come IF You Dont Stay

ok fuhhh. penat buat CPR kat internet connection aku ni.

breath
come back
dont go into the light

sebab mmg sgt lembab connection ni ya. mcm mati, but how can it be dead if the heartbeat was still there? only it didnt come to function, might as well in coma or something.

tapi sekarang boleh guna sikit2, so alhamdulillah. bila weekend je, aku byk habeskan mase aku buat CPR kat connection ni. sgt membuang masa tau.

aku rase kalau connection aku selaju org laen punya, sure aku on dlm lima jam je (jap tu bg aku) da boleh settlekan everything. myspace, blog. dan mase yg laennya bolehla diluangkan dgn bnda berpaedah misalnya belajar. ceh cita citaaa.

aku tak faham asal. connection da upgrade. bayar makin banyak. so what stands in my way? whats the prob? modemkah?
siot betul la.

case closed because the problem's level of stupidity is beyond my patience.
___________________________________________________________________

so. disebabkan online yang jarang dan internet yang tenat dan dalam koma, aku blank sekarang. taktau ape nak tulis. i did know 6 hours ago, but i dont know. so another useless and boring and unworthy blog is published. well done, ama.

think. think. think. let your brain cells work. think.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

ahah. i know what. i'm gonna write (technically type) another poem. involving my secret in the circle la kan. a way to tell, but not to reveal.

and er, its not a poem actually. just me editing a children's song where it is necessary.
untuk menghayati ngn lebih dalam, sila nyanyi ikot versi asal lagu ini.

rain rain go away
dont even come on another day
if u do not want to stay
just, please go away

rain rain go away
dont even come on another day
yes u have made my day
but whats the point when u take it away

rain rain go away
dont even come on another day
u grow my plant with the spray
but in the end u leave it gray

rain rain go away
dont even come on another day
i hate it when u never say
but just let it be carried away

rain rain go away
oh just come if u dare
if everything is just a play
i'll kill u straight with my stare

rain rain go away
oh just come if u dare
at first i want u here to play
but then i want u here to care

whats the point u come and try
if u then just walk away
yes i will cry but it will dry
just leave and i'll be okay

it hurts when the fairytale is washed away
it hurts when its just a play
but as long as the uncertain is confirmed today
i'll be dry but its okay

rain rain go away
u cut me when u dont stay
please hurry just leave today
rain rain just go away

_____________________________________________________________

you might think u got it
but it maybe doesn't fit.
u might think u see it
but i'm sure its just a bit.


i intended to type it normally, but it turns out to rhyme, and a short poem it is. anyhow, just dont go digging the words ah. it might be about that, it might not be. just read my childish thought for today okay?

Cinta Tiga Segi

sejak bila novel menjadi racunku?
sejak bila televisyen menjadi teman tapi mesraku?
sejak bila internet menjadi kekasih gelapku?
bukankah dulu novel ruang aku bermadah
bukankah dulu televisyen teman teristimewa
bukankah dulu internet dadah yang berharga?
kini semuanya hanyalah orang ketiga

dan mengapa buku bersifat pelajaran menjadi kekasih yang satu?
sejak bila?
aku bingung dengan perubahan ini.
menakutkan.

mengapa aku menolak seruan sang perkataan
tarikan sang hiburan
dan sengatan si simbol 'online'?
mengapa sekarang kita jarang bertemu?
seperti hubungan yang dilarang.
hubungan sulit.
manis yang pedih pabila dicurah bisa yang dihambur oleh kekasih baru
kekasih yang datang
merampas hak seorang pemudi.

sang kekasih baru sering menyeruku
bagaikan tarikan graviti
tunduk kepada si dia.
aku merasakan aku perlu mencurahkan kasih dengan lebih lagi
walaupun si dialah yang di samping ku setiap saat,
melainkan aku ke lubuk tersembunyi
untuk bertemu cinta lama.

aku merasakan pengorbanan aku ini tidak cukup
seolah olah aku tidak mencuba
seolah olah aku lah si pendekar yang dahaga
walaupun si dia itu menyengat,
tetapi aku tahu
makin dikupas bintil kekasihku itu
makin timbul lah serinya
cuma sekarang rasanya seperti bisa si anakonda
kerana kami baru berjumpa.
di pertemuan ini.

aku akan bangun.
mencuba untuk memperoleh madu disebalik bisa itu.
aku tahu usahaku tidak mencukupi.
walaupun aku telah berkorban dengan meninggalkan cinta lama
aku rasa aku masih tidak berbuat apa apa.
aku akan bangun dan bertindak, bukan hanya berfikir
agar aku akan menjadikan si dia
buat masa ini
sebagai kekasih awal dan akhir.

amin.
(sebut ramai ramai dengan niat yang ikhlas)


____________________________________________________

dilema aku sebagai si dara yang direbut oleh beberapa pihak yang menggiurkan.

jangan ada yang faham lain sudah.
aku rasa dah jelas sgt dah sajak aku ni berkenaan apa.

AMARAN : walaupun sajak aku kebanyakannya hasil fikiran spontan yang melalut menggambarkan isi hati, tetapi seperti biasa amatlah pantang dalam hidup aku sekiranya ada sesiapa yang mengambil hak cipta aku tanpa kebenaran. walaupun tujuan sebenar hanyalah untuk memasukkan karyaku ke dalam senaskah majalah edisi karya2 hancur, aku masih tidak membenarkan. maka barangsiapa melanggar peraturan tersebut, amat sukacitalah untuk aku menyumpah seranah. manalah tahu hari baik, sumpah aku menjadi kenyataan.

____________________________________________________

dan kali ini lagu berikutnya bukan tentang pelajaran.
lagu ini menggambarkan emosi dan fikiran aku.
liriknya indah sekali, jadi daripada korg semua menilik apakah emosi aku disebalik lagu Letto, Ruang Rindu ini, ada baiknya korg meneliti bahasa yang indah di bawah.
bolehla dapat A kalau di applykan dalam penulisan bahasa melayu.


Di daun yang ikut mengalir lembut
Terbawa sungai ke hujung mata
Dan aku mulai takut terbawa cinta
Menghirup rindu yang sesakkan dada

Jalanku hampa dan kusentuh dia
Terasa hangat oh didalam hati
Kupegang erat dan kuhalangi waktu
Tak urung jua kulihatnya pergi

Tak pernah kuragu dan slalu kuingat
Kerlingan matamu dan sentuhan hangat
Ku saat itu mencari makna
Tumbuhkan rasa yg sesakkan dada

Kau datang dan pergi oh begitu saja
Semua kuterima apa adanya
Mata terpejam dan hati menggumam
Di ruang rindu kita bertemu

Flashback

cuti lagi tiga hari. korg rase kalau aku tambah lagi dua hari kena pape tindakan tak? takkan. tapi memandangkan aku nak pmr, so adela jugak nak buang tebiat lama tu barang sedikit.

great. homework banyak mcm cuti semester pertama je. ok i'm not exaggerating here lah. tadi since uda the third bro couldnt reach mama's cell, so he called me instead. he asked blabla and whether i had my homeworks done.

uda : kau maen internet eh? homework da siap belom?

aku : belumlaaaaaa

uda : siapkan laa homework kau duluuuuuu

aku : da siap sikitlaa. wehhh i has life also u knew *melanggar peraturan tatabahasa ngn uda dah jd hobi. boleh tensyenkan die secara percuma

uda : ah tak. kau mane ade life

aku : *menjerit2 histeria.

die ye laa takde life. duduk-skola-sains-since-form-one-and-one-of-pahang's-best-spm-candidates. ape je life die kat skola sains? blaja and maen bola sampai boleh kurus secara drastik walaupon baru 2 bulan dok asrama sampai mak aku risau kotkot kena ragging. tapi, bila difikirkan balik, that is some sort of a life if things u do can help u reduce weight.

and, yang paling undeniable, living in a boarding school was the only kind of life and the perfect future that i could see back then. so, camne pon he had a more so called life than i do. huh.

i always think that my life now has been something like the lost series.

the flashbacks never end.

jalan2 sikit, nampak orang maen galah panjang, flashback.

jalan2 sikit, nampak orang pakai cam sopan, flashback.

jalan2 sikit, flashback flashback flachback tak habes2.

the walking images that i am the only one who can see it are none other than my previous life in mrsm.

seriously. when i get these flashbacks, i cant help imagining a camera is recording my movement and the way i recall the memories, moving from an angle to another, and then showing the memories, my past to the devoted audience. only the audience is myself watching me remembering and my expressions and what are the things i recall.

well, u got the idea of me being one of the character in lost series. flashbacks and returning, flashbacks and returning, the circle never stops.

of all the things that happened to me, my childhood, my happy days of playing, my sklk, my immature flirting moments, my bad hours, the strongest memories that i will never forget a millisecond of them and the ones that keep coming back is the one when i belonged in mrsm.

no matter how happy other memories are, maybe some of them even the happiest, but mrsm's happy moments are the ones that make me smile often. no matter how bad other memories are, maybe some of them even the worst, but mrsm's bad moments are the ones that make me cringe often.

i dont even know why. of course my early school hours during sklk have me daydreaming, but only rarely.

and i know if i tell people about my 'lost' moments, they will be bored to death and think

"cant this girl just move on or else, SHUT UP?"

well friends, i have moved on.

the memories are the ones who keep visiting me.

what is the point of not moving on if i was the one who choose not to stay?

repainting the breathing canvas

i tried to wash the paints away, using all the methods possible.
i thought it fades away, but the reality is sometimes even in the slightest blink, it jumps to rebel.
i wish for new ink to lighten the old canvas, to design if not better, a new one.
that's all i need to forget the worthless, seasoned sun.

instead of erasing the old evidence,
i was forced to erase the newly sketched image.
forced by this frustrating nonsense.
the faded unwanted colors are still tinted on the page.
the figures never stop moving, even locked up in the abstract cage.
 
i dont want this to web my art, and eventually trap me in confusion.
but why then i never stop giving it a frame extension?
it happens again and again, me giving space for a new print,
but in the end the page still belongs to the old ink.

guess i only have to hide it, not deny the flawed smile
and let the image be forgotten in time.


claim : i dont like copy brats and that's why i dont post all of my poems here as i really hate people claiming my works are theirs aka PLAGIARIZING. no matter how mind numbing my writing could be, i guess it is my right to overemphasize about this and still, dont take me wrong this is my poem and if anyone dares to plagiarize it, we'll meet outside heaven's gate alright? you could have been easily kicked out because of this matter you called nothing. see how extremely serious i am about people pirating my work, now i can imagine how artists feel about the bloody pirates at pasar malam.



okk. ni kali ketiga kot aku post poem aku kat blog ni. takkan selalu dilakukan, kerana -sila baca atas-. tapi ni la gak salah satu cara aku nak expresskan ape yg aku tak boleh ckp publicly. whether 100% atau 30% yang rahsia, bila aku dah mula bersajak tu adela bnda yg aku taknak org tau walaupun sedikit. tapi nak ckp gak, nak kurangkan bebanla katekan.

enjoy the poem.
anybody who knows what it means?

dedicated for my diary

tau takk. aku ade satu blog. lamaaa da wujud even before aku buat blog ni.
mase aku form one kot rasenya.
and i wrote any unusual or special things that happened.
or just when i was in a heavy emotion. either way.
but never the borink routines from day to day, and never the kind of things u always read here.

not about books or movies,
just something too personal to share, things i wouldnt be able to share with any humanbeing. and that means a lot.

from this story to another, from this emotion to a total change of feelings, everything.
the bad and the good seem to be so, expensive to share. to let people know.
from all type of experience i wrote there;
the mature one, the think-too-much amalina, to the part where i laid my exciting teenage experiences safely in the blog. i'm not the kind of person who jump up and down whenever something interesting hit me, not the kind of person who creep over my fate. well, frankly the latter is a bit true. i always mourn, but not more. of course sometimes i slipped it out; flapping my hands and blushing and laughing ke ape ke, well u get the image of a girl excting over something. but never the whole truth.

what brought me to this topic? none, kot. i was just reading through all the posts in my private blog, and i remembered the emotions i felt, i was laughing and feeling gloomy whereever appropriate. i remembered those times. as if it was long ago, years ago, for the good things. and for the bad, i can remember it clearly as if it happened just recently. ahh.

my last update was on oct 25, 2008.
ya sgt tah hape hape lamanya.
its not like i didnt have anything to say,
instead it was the total opposite. i had LOTS TO TELL.
but somehow i was just, well, didnt write it.
the time was running and the experience was flying and the memory was fading,
but still, till now,
the feeling is recalling.

really. i always knew that.
walau selama mana pun bnda tu semua dah berlalu,
walaupun aku sendiri dah lupa gambaran sebenar,
masa,
perkataan,
semua la kan time tu,
tapi sebab bnda tu kuat melekat dlm hati,
jadi tak kesah bertahun lama pon,
aku akan ingat perasaan tu,

kadang2 bnda yg dah lama, aku tak ingat pon detail terperinci pape yg patut.
tapi aku ingat ape aku rase.

so the concept can be applied on my next agenda,
no matter how long i feel the time had passed
no matter how blurry all the details,
but the feeling is what matters most.

i will recall from the day i last wrote in my cyber diary
and catching up with good memories although they were all gone now.
i know some good things appear to be temporary in my life,
but i have to capture it. and once in a while i will recall it,
smiling at the thought of my previous self.

and i will scribble the times when things are bad,
and not afraid to cringe at the bad episodes
as like it or not,
the episodes are just the way of life.

why put it all behind?
the past no matter how bitter it could be,
or how it will never stop being pleasant,
are all just some sort of an entertainment now.

WARNING: COPYRIGHTED WHATEVER TWISTING POEM ABOVE.

Jejak Jaya PMR 2009

assalamualaikum.

aku sekarang online begitu jarang sekali tanpa paksaan sesapa.
tidak pernah begitu tau tak. harap2 berkekalan, amin.

so not much to say. oh ya, we had this thing called jejak jaya pmr 2009 at school today. all the straight As geeks (not entirely means that they pull their pants way too up and way too nerdie) were on the stage, looking like
"i've passed it with vividly flying colors. we are done now. u're next"

kak nad, firdaus zainal and kak husna each gave a speech on how to jejak jaya pmr dorg,
the do's and the dont's. so we took note. and i was looking up at them with huge admiration.

i dont know why, when i look at these officiall-book-smart people, my eyes would be not exactly crying, but just, teary eyed la kan. lagi2la first day this year mase cgu panggil budak2 tu ke depan assembly, i gasped and, teary eyed. rase berdebar semacam tau.

so tambah pulak dgn dorg punye fluent ckp kat depan tu. aisehh. mcm rilek gilaa. ade yg tulis point je, then elaborate them spontaneously. i was like, wow. these are mrsm materials. i didnt know such kind happened to be in this school. wow. i think i will soon have to wave bye2 to them.
just hope they wont get any offer, this school needs these people.

sbb kat skola aku ni da tenggelam ngn segala bagai budak banjir, budak ini budak itu yg perangai bukan2, sampai aku tak nmpk material yg bagus2 ni. dorg ade, and still will be, tp dorg takkan jadi majo. and i'm talking about sahsiah + study yg bagus.

kalau setakat skola pandai tapi pakai bra merah menyala ape cite kan?

ya allah mmg atmosfera pmr tu da membahang sekarang. taktaula sbb kitorg ni mmg da ade kesedaran ke, atau just azam tahun baru kan. harap2 tidakla. i want more than anything in my school life than everyone in my class, and ex-classmate, to grab that star. terutama aku la kan. sedih je nnt kalau semuorg terlompat kegirangan dan aku terduduk kesedihan. nauzubillah.

i know we deserve it. amin.

adela sesi soal jawab. itu ini itu ini. bagus, ade gak yg membantu. time kaseh.

takot arh ade sape tah ckp salah satu care adalah "beat the top scorer". alamak. tidakkk. ya aku selfish ok. bertambah tekanan ni. adeh. dah la tak tusyen.

ade kawan yg tau je nak jwb ape bila cgu baru ajar kat kelas, ade yg da jauh sgt belajar bnda yg kitorg nama chapter pon tak pnah dgr. mereka ialah budak tusyen. aku sgt envy dorg nih.

tp salah satu sebab aku tanak tusyen pon sebab aku tanak jd jnis org yg aku salu bengkek je. aku tau tusyen byk pekdahnya. tp ego aku mmg tahap melampau. nk wat camne kan. klu result first peksa aku teruk, aku tusyen arh.

tp ngn 2/3 classmates aku ni semua nya tusyen merata2,
aku da tau da ape jd pada bakal result aku.
nauzubillah.

aku maybe lah kan sebab result yg aku selalu dpt atas dasar bertuah tu, dan bag berat yg aku galas tetiap hari, tak lupa buku2 di tangan yg setia menemani dan speck yg baru dijiwai

org ingat aku ni calon pmr yg nerd. i mean, bukan aku je, kawan2 aku pon kena.
just because we dont have lockers in our class and have to carry those books everyday.
just because i am rabun, they say i am the type who sticks my nose with the books each minute.
just because we are ones of the firsts to arrive if something related about pmr being held.

agak terganggu la kan? its just not who i am.
i didnt wear speck because i study every freaking day.

my family already saw this coming because since i was a lil kid, i was the one who had my eyes stick to the tv, who did homeworks and reading novels under dim light

not because i study all the time. they say as if i dont have a life.
well my life doent always revolve around some things some people find cool.

mcm firdaus tu ckp

"hanya budak tak waras je yg gelakkan bnda tak patut. kalau org yg waras dorg akan rase sedih dgn bnda2 yg org ckp cool, nak tarik perhatian ni. dan org yg gelak tula yg tak waras."

mmg aku sgt setuju. aku tau kadang2 pon aku tergolong dlm kategori tak waras kot, tp aku sukala kata2 di atas. dan tak waras aku maybe takdela tak sewaras org laen, harap2la. aku kdg2 nmpk cam tak betul je kan. isk isk.

mesti si budak firdaus ni bangga eh aku quote die.

kadang2 aku pikir pengalaman2 aku ta kesahla dlm ape segi pon, lagi best dr pengalaman org laen. and org nmpk cam aku jenis budak yg baek je, taktau pape tentang dunia luar dan pengalaman remaja. weh aku cume da rase bnda2 tu awal dulu la. skg aku nak pencen, tak bole ke?

its just annoyingla, to have one thinks of me to be someone else. dont expect me to be something else. i hate expectations, tak kesah ape maksud di sebaliknya pon.

or maybe, allah just let them be because their words are just going to help me. words are pray, arent they?

WHATEVER. OKAY?

may all of us achieve our goals,
may all of us achieve school's target,
may all of us succeed in making the teachers proud,
in making our parents proud.
and i really mean, ALL.
may allah be with us every step of the way,
all the light shine on pmr candidates 2009.

amin.

Mahu Tips Belajar!

CONGRATS KAK SYAZA!
9A!
ya allah!!!
tahniah tahniah tahniah!

akak, u've gotta help me!
sekolah akak pandai gila!
tak sampai 5 org fail!
100 lebih 8 and 9 a!

TO KAK SYAZA, KAK NURLIN, KAK AMIRAHH AND MANY OTHER SENIORS WHO HAD FOUND THEIR WAY TO GET THEIR PRECIOUS GOALS NO MATTER WHAT THE RESULT IS,

help me!

listkan ape patut saya buat, ape patut saye tak buat, camne nak study kalau org tu malas tuisyen, ape yg patut di amalkan, EVERYTHING!

korg kena tolong. sy daa cuak kebabeyh dah ni. saya cuak tp, dgn budusnya, have done nothing at all.

did any of u study before u even started form three?
i know u did. thats why u deserve the very best.

kepada sape2 saje yg ade teknik blaja berkesan yg korg sendiri amalkan or bace kat mana2, sila BAGITAHU. okay? tolonglaaaaa. study smart punye, taknak study hard. kehkeh.

help me!

give some wise words or anything so that i can change my lazy routine!

TQ!