Silly Rules, Boundaries, and Principles

Topik tengah malam kita pada hari ini ialah... what a lame girl with silly rules i am, a.k.a. ama tapape.

i've long known how i have a set of rules i myself deem silly at times, but when people point out to you how you're obviously a girl with boundaries (hazirah, 2015) and even a girl with principles (shafiqah, 2011), it is a bit woah moment lah kan.

if you hadn't said it, i wouldn't have noticed lol. i know i have silly rules, boundaries and principles, but i don't think i'm a girl with that all. but actually i am. and when other people can see that too, you hella are, gurl.

i thought at least people who knew this were my best friend, and um, those who have had to deal with my silly rules, boundaries and principles. but apparently, it might have come across to the larger circle as well. and i honestly don't know where the circumference or radius are. because shockingly, somebody who confessed about me on INTEC Confession mentioned something about me having boundaries too, loooooooool. of course i can't really laugh it off, because i don't know who it was. but still. i thought it wasn't obvious!

"you obviously are," said hazirah.

i think shafiqah was referring to the more general tapapeness of mine, while hazirah was referring to the more specific ones. for example, involving guy friends, and where or when it is concerned, boyfriend- um, future husband. even with family. that one she pointed out, and only then i remember how not a family girl i am. but i'm a mama's girl. so i think it's still healthy. hahahaha.

hazirah said i'm too cautious, even with those i don't have to be cautious with. hmm maybe. yes i am. for reasons i'm not even sure valid or relevant. hopefully not all that nonsensical. i'm not sure for how long i can keep this forte, but i'm gonna keep it as long as i can. "but that's boring," she added. I know. But i'm doing it for the future. And the future won't be boring. Hehe.

hazirah said that i do a lot of thinking before doing something, and asked if i ever "oh screw it, let's do it." i have been that person, especially just about a year ago, and that got me in troubles. but i must admit, a decision i made in that yolo phase was worth it. that was a phase when i felt both frustrated and freed, that i became another person. it wasn't really... me. i miss that freedom, but now i admit it was also out of frustration. i'm back to being me. what to do, overthinker by nature.

hazirah said (yes this post is dedicated to what hazirah said about me tonight) don't i ever think of giving in to something i won't do (no matter how i want to do it if i'm in that yolo state of mind) just for the sake of giving my brain a break. then i don't have to think about it anymore, i'm done, i can chill. but ah, what i do or do not do, is to prevent further overthinking in the future. i might not mess up my mind for a while, but after that, the consequences will clutter my brain all the same (well unless i go full yolo, in which case i don't have to think about it ever again.)

i am going with it

hazirah said that she had second thoughts about me haha and she thought i was "cool to live by rules" and "smart to set limits", but i have to make sure that the subjects can keep up. so there's no misunderstanding. she also said i set boundaries so things i have already imagined wouldn't happen. that's the point! it might seem tapape, but i'm just prepared. i'm preparing myself for all possibilities. even the worst case scenarios, god forbids. it's not that i don't want it. but gurl gotta be realistic too.

hazirah even said... if one thinks i'm tapape, they will ditch me and my rules. but i think it's quite the opposite. i think they will bear with me and my rules, despite me being tapape. because it's all included in the package. you can't have ama without the tapapeness. such as hazirah herself. she doesn't ditch me. and she does think i am tapape. maybe that's because my boundaries and principles don't apply to her, hmm. oh who cares, i know they love me anyway, i hope they always will. I'm a lucky girl :')

so i just want to say sorry to anyone who has ever dealt with my silly rules, or who has to listen to me rambling or reading my blog post about it which doesn't make sense as usual - that's just me. please bear with it for a while :')

and i want to thank you for respecting and accepting it, even if you don't understand why.

maybe one day you will ;)