You Can't Unlove Your Mother

once upon a time, i was afraid of falling for someone so hard for fear of having another love like my love for my mother.

still am. but i know that is inevitable. i knew. still, i wished for no such love. love for mama? i had no choice. i was born into her arms, i was born to love her, i was born loved and loving. but love for another? why would i do that to myself? i wouldn't put myself through that. that, to quote somebody, would be the most elaborated form of self-destruction.

because i know that love will one day put me in so much pain, one way or the other. when you love someone too much you have to remind yourself that anything you love more than God will be the reason for your worst pain. is that good or bad?

i can cry just thinking about it. i did a few days ago. to love to that point, man ain't that intense.

i know when i love someone else like that, i'm screwed big time.

for mama, i didn't have i choice. i can't unlove my mom. i couldn't love her less. so i have to learn to love God more. before He teaches me a lesson - the lesson. i don't love much, but i love hard. i don't know if i could love anybody half as much as i love her, but even that would be enough to tear my heart in two. i don't know how to love two parents; babah left so early for me to find out. that's how i have come to love only mama and mama only. that's why this one love is everything to me.

i make it a point to let mama know i love her every chance i get. because another fear of mine is not telling people i love that i love them enough. or not having the chance to tell them at all.

two times you're reminded that you only have Allah:

1. when you feel so alone although you're surrounded by many, that only you can take care of yourself because you have to.

2. when you don't feel alone at all, but your loved ones are so faraway you can only hope for Him to take care of them for you.

the first one i felt about a year ago, the second one now. two very different feelings in two very different places. Alhamdulillah. had i not gone through the former, i might not be here to experience the later. you can't have it all baby. but this is already so much more than i ever deserve.

and i owe it all to you mama. i do.