Third Teasing

Recently someone left a comment on a post here: "how's your life now ama?"

How's my life eh? I'm sorry i've totally abandoned this blog no matter how many times i said i wouldn't. i'm sorry to this blog, i'm sorry to the younger, hopeful, determined me, i'm sorry to my long dead hobby and what used to be my talent. it looks like i'm getting crappier as a person as i grow up. with nothing that lasts and nothing that can make me say "hey, i am good at it and i actually stick to it!"

i'm sorry to my younger self for everything that i don't end up to be. oddly enough, i guess i should say sorry to whoever who used to read this blog because i lied when i said i would keep blogging. i don't think anybody would care. but then again, i don't want to do or not do things just because people care, or not.

my latest picture. i hiked the highest mountain in british isles.

i'm living in the UK, it's my third year now, and you would think i have so much to talk about. so much to write, to preserve online so one day i can look back in the manner of modern reminiscing. but nope, i ain't blog no sht.

but i can promise you, dear commenter and whoever, that i am not as miserable as i sound. i have the tendency to converse with my blog as if my dog just died. i don't even own a dog. i can't. even if i could i don't think i would. because i'm not sure i could handle the clinginess. but i would love to have such company a dog can provide. such loyalty. i'd be devastated though once it's dead, so i don't think i would go down that road. i try to minimize future damage, you see. anyway. i'm okay. in fact, you can say i am happy. as much as i can be. and i have not been happier in a long time. so i'm good.

of course, there are days when life decides to tease me. because one can't live without being knocked down once in a while yeah? but i get up, and i am not bruised. at least, not more than i have been. generally though, besides not feeling anything, i will emphasize, i am happy. alhamdulillah.

a little about the aforementioned teasing: in these past three years, during my time away in this cloudy, foggy, tea-loving land, i have had severe existential crisis (first year), major homesickness (second year), and the usual stuff that's not surprising yet no less comforting to have to face.

tonight, i think i might have an addition to the teasing.

addition: i am lonely (third year).

wow. that sounds bizarre, coming from me. the last time i felt lonely, that was because i was involved in a little drama that made me feel alone. now, no drama, and i am alone. i have been for two years - about to be three. it's no big deal; i rarely feel lonely. i have always been contented in my solitude. at peace, even. i love me some peace after the said dramatic phase. some quiet will do me good.

i am not alone, alone. i have friends here. i have loved ones even though they are far. they never make me feel like we are apart. i may seem all by myself but i believe i am not.

but, i think... three years are enough to live like this.

tonight, i just noticed i feel lonely. i admitted to myself that now i am something i almost never was: lonely. and that is not a bad thing. i took a couple of minutes digesting this brand new information (it was not easy to grasp at first). i took my moments, then i resumed my life.

i am entitled to feeling lonely. i think succumbing to it only after two years, it's quite an achievement! some people wouldn't last two months. but i survived all this time, and i will survive this last few months. it is a big thing for me to feel lonely. hello, introvert and proud? but this introvert is entitled to this loneliness. i own it. lonely, and still proud.

sure, the situation could have been way more ideal, but you have what you have. you live with it.

it builds character. you come out stronger, more independent. now is the time when i am tired of being self-sufficient and i wish i could be dependent on somebody, but this is also the time when i have to fight this on my own, more than ever. it's my battles and demons. always have been, so i'm not going to tell other people to do it for me.

so how about that for how's my life now?