Last Child Syndrome and Family Issues

my family screwed me up. i would die for my mother, but they did. i screwed myself up for sure, but they played a part. doesn't everyone's family screw them up? no? they might not even notice how what they did, or did not do, affected and still affects me, but i'm screwed up. this is not a post to announce to the world that my family is horrible. first, no, my family is anything but horrible, yes, they are many things, but not horrible. second, no, i'm not announcing anything. third, yes, this is a post because this is my blog.

maybe i'm supposed to be screwed up, you know? i'm supposed to be screwed up to function normally because that was how my mind, my heart, my soul, were screwed into this body to make me, me. in the instruction module there is a section of screwing me up for other people to operate, so i can operate myself. maybe my family thought they were following the right steps, which they were, but the end result left a bit of a dent and a broken part in me. this is the family i was born into, the people whom i didn't pray for but prayed for me, so they might not be the best, but they are the best for me. had i been born into another family, yes things would have been different, but i would have been different, and the world would be missing out on me. lol wut. maybe, i don't know. but that is the only option left, there is no other what-if. that is the good thought i must have.

today, i would have blogged about the train ride of my emotions, but i waited and now i'm okay. as i get older i realize what a difference an hour, a minute, a moment makes. if you could just wait. all your anger will disappear, all your tears will dry and all your frustration will fade away. if you could just wait. you would spare yourself the guilt of letting your feelings loose, you would spare the person the hurt of your published words and spoken lines, you would spare people the drama they need not to know, you would spare the world the heartbreak of yours and the breakdown of your own.

but yeah. 

being the last will never be good enough. i'm not saying my family is that good, but whatever category they are in, i will never be good enough to fit in. i'm not a good enough daughter my parents deserve. i'm not a good enough sister to whom my brothers used to show their love. who says being the last will get everything? that is why i always try to stay away from the typical last child stereotype, because i don't fit in that shallow cup. other non-last-child(s) are more last child than me, if that makes sense. maybe it's just my family. being the last doesn't mean anything. there will always be someone better, kinder, braver, someone more saint, and whatever you are doesn't matter. all you'll ever be is the one at the end of the line. the youngest who follows the rhythms of the elders. the last shadow trying to keep up, left behind. so you just be you, and you're okay with being you. you love yourself. but there will be times when being just you makes you nothing, but the last. as if the last doesn't have feelings. as if the last isn't able to think. to them. or worse, it might not be to them at all, but only to you. you are nobody to yourself when you are the last.

i will never be good enough. when i make mistakes they amplify, but when i behave and improve silent and oblivion follow by. i'm not asking for praise to raise me to the sky, but i ask not to bring me down when i fall to the ground. my family is accepting... they accept my failures. they are very accepting if i compare them with others' families who keep pushing them to be the best and get the best. who forces them to study, to sleep, to work around, to stay put. mine accepts me just the way i am. but in some other aspects if i slack off, there you go. it's for my best, but i just hope for a better way to deal with my weaknesses and flaws.

i'm not that good, but hey i'm not that bad either. but all i feel here is i'm not good enough but i'm bad enough :(

if only they could see me, at least, the way i see myself, which is just okay.

it doesn't feel like they do.

i'm saying this. i learnt to love myself, not when i'm with my family. but when outsiders love me, and hate me. not when i'm with my family. with them i only feel less and less the person i am. like i have no identity. like i wear the label 'the last child' and nothing more. who i am here, who i am outside, they don't even know. my fault i don't let them in, but that's only because i feel they regard me as nothing more than how they see me, as not a whole other person but only the little girl in the family. and because i'm used to be on my own, i keep everything to myself and that includes my ability to feel and think and write and talk. being the last daughter in my case is just the same as being the only child. i'm used to doing things alone because everybody else has left. even when they are here, being with them surrounds me with what i recognize as power which i can't even say no to let alone defy with my own feelings, opinions and thoughts. i will always be wrong, i will always be told to shut up, i will always stay silent. so powerless and vulnerable i was. i retreat to my favourite place in the world and that was, and still is, my bedroom. my little sanctuary where i could be myself, where i was safe, where i was comfortable. loneliness, is not a problem to me. solitude, is a preference.

it has got to the point that i feel if i'm not here anymore, it won't even make a difference. i don't affect their lives.

it is not their fault, you know. we all make mistakes and making mistakes is not one's fault. maybe it's just the situation. they don't even realize it as i don't talk about it, because if i do, i will be blamed and it will be my fault and everything's just gonna be worse. i am in no position to blame them when i'm in other positions to thank them, when i'm in the position to be able to blame and thank them in the first place. if somebody wants to marry me, hypothetically, they have to marry my family. not because i want them to, but they just have to. marry my family and the screwed up version of me. i don't think some people know that not everyone has a normal functional family. even if they do, not all those families are dysfunctional in the same way.

it was worse but it has gotten better. i'm lucky to be alive to witness the good things. as for the bad things? i'm used to it.

it's not just my last child syndrome though, which leads to family issues. of course there are other children syndromes, and more.

i believe every family has issues. but if yours doesn't, tahniah. thank Allah for one happy family at home. if yours does, thank Allah still for one family at home.

in the end, it's always how you look at it.

i once wrote this and saved it in my personal keeping;

i'm mama's girl. but i'm not a family girl. i go back home mainly because of my mom. home is where the heart is. she is the one who keeps me going back. and that's all there is to that. i don't really talk about my family, unless i have to let you in, and that is if you're the one i'm going to marry. if you're a girl, i can let you be in my life, but not my family, so no. i can't let you know. if you're the guy, i have to let you be in my family because i want you in my life. so yes, but only because i have to. but like how it changed me, it might change you. my life is perfect? if only you could see. i'm perfect? now you see me. i'm made of sweets, spices and bitterness. how would you like a bitter me?

but whatever i've said, whatever i've felt, i won't let anyone say shit about them or what they'll feel is regret.

i know my family. so i can feel and say whatever i want. outsiders, don't. so they can't.

because in the end, whatever i say, whatever i feel, i'll always love them.

in the end, blood is thicker than water, and trust me many things have happened to solute the blood and break the cells, i have had my own fair share of attempts, but blood is always thicker even when the bond is not as strong. in the end you always have to shake hands on eid, no matter how bad your argument is. in the end you always have to exchange a couple of words, no matter how ugly was your fight. in the end you always have to eat at the same table, no matter how long you haven't talked to each other. i guess if love is not in the bond, love is in the bones, the shared DNA, the genes, the blood. like a body, it can't fall apart.

probably because we're stuck with each other. but that's okay, it's better that we stick together.