A Good Guy Friend Of Mine

it's 4 in the morning and i haven't slept yet. because i talked to my guy friend.

i know in the previous post i talked about guys and girls being friends, but in this post i'll be talking about MY guy friend anyway. and i don't care. at first i planned to devote this night to my unfinished assignments or my untouched personal statement, but then i realized i was never gonna do it at midnight, so when i was just about to go to bed, this dude just had to hi me asking apa khabar out of the blue. i was like.... ok i'm terharu but why.... apparently he was reminiscing about the old times, still in the mood after going to our friend's open house and meeting our old friends, and he said because i was not there. coming from him.... it's gold. that was the first moment i had to wipe my imaginary tears, because there were some more to come. i even had actual teary eyes alright tonight. some of you might know who he is, but i don't care.

we talked about things we always used to talk about, and now just in one night, we're trying to catch things up. we surprised each other with whatever that has been happening in our lives since high school, what has changed, what progress has been made, what problem has been solved, what issue has been overcome. we used to have a daily routine of checking up each other's daily dramas. almost every night, we would talk about the same thing, the same topics we talked about every other night, because it mattered to us, and we cared that it mattered to each other. i would stay up late just to listen to his stories and help him with his issues, and he would go extra length to make me feel fine with mine. but now? it has been almost two years since we left high school. and two years since we left that routine.

i knew after high school it would end, we would not be as close as we were, and i was okay with that. that's just life. we became close within just one year... just one. yet we told each other private and personal things about our lives, things most of my girl friends never know about. he was always there. man now i already have tears in my eyes. he never let me down like some friends i had known much longer did. he always had my back when they stabbed it. when they offended me to my face, he was the only one who stepped in and backed me up. he always reminded me of my worth when people made me feel worthless. he always told me i deserved someone better, i deserved to be happy, i deserved to succeed. he always knew the right thing to say, even when he talked of shitty things most of the times. he was the kind of guy my friends were surprised to know i had grown close to, because they don't know him like i do.

but going on different paths after high school wasn't the only reason why we grew apart. he has always been a good guy whom bad things happen to, but that time that one thing was so bad, it affected not only him, but others including me as well. all the other bad things which had happened to him made him seem to be the bad guy, made him the bad guy, and the bad guy caused that one big bad thing to happen, causing many other bad things in return. i cried for him. he was my only guy friend i ever cried for. i didn't cry because of him. i didn't cry for me. i cried for my friend. i cared about him. i prayed for him. it was serious as it involved other people, and because i knew about it, i got involved too, and i was afraid. afraid for him, afraid of him. i tried to help him, but i couldn't. he didn't let me. he had lost faith and he told me to stay away, when that was the time he needed someone who had faith in him. i was probably one of a couple of people who did, but the only one who was still there for him, but he didn't let me.  i never gave up on him, i knew he was a good guy, he just needed to be that guy again. but he didn't believe it, he thought he was a bad guy. he would tell me things that made me think please no, please don't, please just lie. that he's all bark and no bite, at least it's still what's right. up until now i never know if he did that because he was serious and he didn't give a damn anymore, or if he was just crying for help in his devil-may-care fake confessions in case i still gave a damn. i did. until one day i realized i needed to let him live the way he wanted it, as long as he still wanted to live.

in that period i learnt how to deal with people like him, with that kind of situation. i never knew how to before. you've gotta have a balance between being cool and forceful. you've gotta do it their way. i've never been like that with anyone else, ever. because they don't need it. it got to the point when i didn't even know what to say anymore, because i know nothing i said could change anything. so i just left him. after a while, he came back. he wanted to put his life back together, but he said he can't. and then later, he came back again, he said sorry for being an asshole, and thanks for having faith in him. i said thank you for noticing and welcome back. don't ever do that again.

it has never been the same since then, because i now know how to handle him, so i just let him be. we went from always talking to each other to not talking at all. but i wish him well. i always wish him well. and he knows i do. and that's enough for him. i know he's getting better, and that's enough for me. after that we started to talk again, but it wasn't the same. it has never been the same, until tonight. when he became my friend i used to know two years ago. it is good, to know things are okay. so good. i was genuinely so happy for him i had tears in my eyes, when the last time i did, it was because i was genuinely worried.

i don't know if he knows this, even after i've told him so many times i don't know if he believes it, that he is a good friend. he is a good guy. he was my only good guy friend when i had none. i was told lucky because i had many guy friends before that, but in the end i knew i was lucky only when i had him as mine. to him i'm probably a nobody, but he's somebody to me. i will never forget that. i don't know why but just thinking about this makes me sad. i cared.

he's so cynical and sarcastic, and cynical and sarcastic people always see the worst of me, but he always seem to see the best of me. and that is something, for him, with his negativity haha, to accept me. like he knows how i am, and what i get, and some people can't accept that, but he got me. and that, coming from him, yes is gold. you don't know him, you don't know his life. i'll be glad to think maybe i played a part in changing his view on life. i was afraid if he couldn't accept me eventually and leave me. but he didn't, maybe because he actually knows me, unlike those people. sometimes i had doubts, maybe he didn't like being friends with me, maybe he hated me in secret, maybe he was just being nice in front of me but at my back, he's just the same like them. but then again, i have seen him at his worst. he has shown me his worst. so why would he want to look good in front of me?

despite of that, i never think he's someone bad.

to other people he might not be nice, but to me he is kind. nice is your attitude towards others, kind is your personality. to me, a good guy is someone who, while might not be good to himself, is good to other people. yes he talks like a bastard sometimes but that's okay. if he's not a saint, i don't mind, for him being fair to himself is good enough for now. for him to be normal, and functional, good enough. but of course, i'm still worried about some things, and my prayers are with him. he too, deserves happiness and success. he deserves so much more. he just needs to trust himself and Him. 

he is the only guy friend i hope if we fall apart, it's only because we grow apart. i don't want it to happen in bad terms, like it once did. this is the only friendship i hope will always be a friendship, nothing more and nothing less. i didn't get it when some girls hoped they would only stay friends with their guy friends, i mean what? macamlah dorang nak kat kau lol. but it happens, you know, so i hope it won't happen to us. it's not because of reasons like i don't want us to be awkward, or if things don't work out we'll be strangers, no. it's mainly because of the reason he's too good as a friend, and i need a friend like him. it's mainly because i value this friendship so much i need and want nothing more. like we were in a topic, which made me say assuming he cared for me, but he didn't like me, so being caring doesn't mean anything. being caring can be as a friend, hence friendzoned. then he said i know he didn't like me because he had someone when we started being friends, and now when we became friends again he's just not in the mood for those things. i hope it will always stay that way. i just can't, thinking i might hurt him. he's had enough of that already.

tonight when i talked to him, i realized he talked like a man. he has done things i know he never would want to back then, and i'm proud of him. he no longer talked like he had no faith in life and people and the universe. i knew he had potentials, he just didn't have to ruin them. i guess college made him a better person, i knew it would. like we talked about something, which i had to ask him if he was serious because i couldn't tell if he was serious or not anymore, him and his sick sense of humour. he actually was serious, he said he would leave his sarcastic manners behind if he wanted to have this rare session with me, the same thing we did in high school, sharing things together... aw. i miss those times.

we didn't have small talks, we didn't talk for the sake of chatting. we talked about what mattered, at least to us. it's not like those conversations which don't have content, those friendships which don't have meaning, you know? he would always be rooting for me, he used to say. i would always be rooting for him, for sure. to me this is a friendship, in the name of friendship itself. ah i think if i don't stop, this post will never end.

while chatting tonight i searched our facebook inbox with some key words, what we used to talk about in high school. we LOL-ed at what we found. what used to matter, didn't anymore. who mattered to us, didn't anymore. but someone who had been through that with you, might still matter today :)

what we said to each other, still mattered too. he once told me "in time, Ama, in time." ah, in fact he told me a lot of things i found to be true today. i just needed to have faith. and likewise, too. i believed in him, he just needed to believe in himself. i once told him, even if someone doesn't stay, they come into your life for a reason so make the best out of it. all, today, is still relevant :) 

and i found this

"the thing about me and guy friends is it never lasts, i dont know why. there were points when i was close to any of them, and then it just stopped. it's sad. so if a girl has a guy friend yg dah lama kenal and never leaves her, aku jeles, hoho pathetic. maybe because dorang kwn ngn aku pun ade sebab, like they need my help, or they're bored, so i'm their last resort. tsk tsk. but oh well who cares, people change. let's make the best out of it now while we still can."

he replied

"Amalina. I would never do that ok? What I appreciate in life I will hold for the rest of my life. That I promise. Don't worry ok? After SPM I pray the best we would stay in contact."

i don't want him to know i write this. because i'm being so mushy and he'll be so geli. hahaha. this is a very emotional and sentimental post to me, and he must think i'm corny. 

well, i am, in a good way, for good people :)