Love and Friendship In Islam (and Dating, Marriage, Everything lol)

here are three videos of the same theme, about love~ and~ friendship. ha suke lettew!

before that here are some disclaimers, and these are not the reflection of the videos, they are only my own viewpoint, if you disagree it's up to you, to each his own. haram to me is what people do, and not what people are. if one falls in love, it's not haram. if two stay in love, it's not haram. even if they are in a relationship, it's not necessarily haram as what they are depends on what they do. if they are only friends, but do what is haram, then it is haram. i won't say guys and girls can't be in a relationship, or can't be friends. doing what is haram, does not include feelings. feelings are fitrah. what you do with feelings are what can be fitnah. loving and missing, are not haram. lust, is not feelings. if lust is contained and actions are controlled, it is not haram, but you know prevention is better than cure. lust, if gets out of hand, and your hands, your feet, your eyes, your ears, your heart, act upon it, according to rasulullah saw, then it is haram. that is what we call, according to fact, zina tangan, kaki, mata, telinga, dan hati, sebab disertai syahwat. lustful actions, are haram. your actions, if don't cross the line, however lagha, gedik, gatai, gelenyar, are still not haram. wallahualam.

don't haramize things as easily as some people halalize things. otherwise you're haram. 

ok waddahail that's not even funny.

i've posted these videos on facebook before. this is like the compilation lah. 

so, in order of appearance, starting with....

1. Why Men and Women Cant be friends

who says so? look at Harry and Hermione, best friends without feelings. it's not impossible if you are sincere in a friendship, bukannya nampak dahi licin je, six packs je terus kasi salam cakap "kawan boleh?", padahalll. kalau dah suka lepas kawan tu lainlah cerita, tu best namanya. har har. i want a Ron for me, but I'll also find my own Harry. challenge accepted. - 28/12/11

these are some of the comments. biru kena censored tu guy, pink tu girl. mereka tak bersalah jadi dirahsiakan identiti, walaupun boleh je nak scroll cari sape dorang kan lol. tapi tak penting pun. lagi pun sape je takde keje stalk sampai camtu sekali kaaan? kan...? aizureen dengan aku tetiba emo atas sebab-sebab peribadi, tapi tak perlulah underline bahagian mana yang ada kaitan dengan hidup dan mati kan har har.

this video was mentioned in another two videos i'm sharing in this post, but i watched it first heh heh. that was almost two years ago. have my view point changed since then...? no... and yes.

i still believe guys and girls can be friends, but under certain conditions. i don't really believe guys and girls can be best friends though. not anymore. that is the main rule, guys and girls can NOT be BEST friends.

of course there are a few exceptions, like harry and hermione. but if ron wasn't always there, wouldn't you think something, at least a summer fling or just one kiss, would have happened between the two? in Deathly Hallows Part 1, when harry and hermione was alone after ron left them, hermione was sad and harry, trying to cheer her up, danced with her. they stared into each other's eyes and for a moment we, at the edge of our seat, prayed DO NOT EFFING KISS? that scene was created on purpose. JKR wanted to make it seem as if it could have happened, but they didn't do it, because what kind of mess would it be once ron returned and they had to deal with it? not to mention the quest to kill lord voldy! phewh. tu la aku salu kata. no matter what's going on in your life, the matters of the heart (or hormones) is always a different story. or else the population would never expand during war periods right? it's all fair in love and war, and this is a bit of both. 

i'm friends with boys, but this is where the conditions apply. i'm friends with guy friends pre-conditions era, those who are still my friends, and that's only a very few i tell you. i'm friends with guys i have to be friends with; classmates. i'm friends with guys i want to be friends with; wait, no. because i have this inner conflict so it's complicated. i'm only comfortable with guys who i know have a girlfriend or a crush at least, and guys who wouldn't want to make me theirs. this is not being poyo, this is being real. i used to think girls who think guys could like them were perasan, but then i understood it could happen. i used to forget that i was a girl when i was with boys, and i guess boys forgot that i was a girl too, because back then we were like bros and they only liked my girl friends and i would be their wingman. the idea of a guy liking me was just eww. like why would you?! haha. but now i've realized that i'm a girl. however unlikely and eww it may be, nothing is impossible. lol. so i must try to avoid dramas.

recently i was called kerek..... k. i'm not. i'm just conflicted, making it complicated.

however unlikely and eww it is, a guy and a girl will always have the possibility to fall for one another because why? BECAUSE OF THE DIFFERENT GENDER LAH. geez you people, tu pun nak kena bagitau ke. regardless of how they look, act, weigh, are (read: regardless of how i), the possibility is always there. the reason that one is a guy and another is a girl is enough to make things happen. even if your guy friends already have someone, what if one day they break up? he falls out of love? stops crushing on her? or you become the reason why? it's never safe. seeeee. but it's your choice. like it's mine ;)

do you know how common it is? it has happened to all types of people and all types of friendship. nobody's immune to it.

you can't say you won't have feelings for someone. as if you can stop the fall just because it's your best friend. you can't stop yourself from falling. sometimes when i'm friends with guys, at one point a thought occurs to me, either "aku takkan suka dia" or "aku boleh tersuka dia". only sometimes! a few factors contribute to this prediction, it's not just because i'm friends with them, like some people are so sure they will/not develop a crush on their own friend. but sometimes your friends will change, or you change your perspective of them, and that will change your so called prediction. sometimes you meet some guys and on initial impression you wonder how the hell did they get a girlfriend? whatever does the girl see in him? but once you get to know one person, it's scary how you can see why someone would like/love/whatever them. so you'll never know.

once you get attached to someone, you'll need them, you'll spend time with them, and you'll miss them. missing someone is the start of the spark. of course, it doesn't apply if you're not the desperate type who falls for anyone who gives them the slightest attention. it doesn't apply if you're an introvert who doesn't crave for company and love being alone you rarely feel lonely. it doesn't apply if you're me... maybe. heheh. if you know you can fall for someone easily just based on their looks not yet personality, then back off bro.

even if you don't love their personality, you might just like their looks. one point in this video is physical attraction, and physical attraction might involve nafs. even if you don't fall in love with your best friend, you still have to mind your boundaries. people often forget the boundaries for the reason they won't fall for each other. but life isn't all about love dears, as if if you don't fall in love it's all fine. there still should be a wall separating you guys and girls no matter how inseparable you are.

oh yeah the whole time we're talking about this, i'm referring to friendships which start as only friendship. you get into the friendship without whatsoever feeling, not because you have some feelings for them. the first kind usually happens by accident, the second one by intention. kalau kau memang kawan dengan orang tu sebab kau syok kat dia sia-sialah aku type panjang-panjang ni, dah memang kau suka dia pun sejak awal lagi. pfft kawanlah kononnn kalau dah mintak nak berkawan tu nak lebih la maksudnyaaa pfft.


having this said, it doesn't mean i don't think friends falling in love might be the best thing :)

2. Can Men and Women Be "Just Friends"? - Nouman Ali Khan

-"sometimes they don't realize the elaborate scheming of men" 

oh some girls do alright. some didn't at first.... but with experience they learn.

-"well now you know why Allah says don't do it. cos it hurts" 

omg hahaha. i think if people see it this way, for the sake of their heart rather than the sexual aspects of it which many say won't go that far, they will mind the boundaries better. because it's easier to get hurt. a no to a love declaration is more likely to happen than a yes to an adultery persuasion. either one, it will hurt. you can feel that, but you can't feel hell fire. so save yourselves from the pain of heartbreak! this is genius, the way he explains why guys and girls can't be friends. because either one of you will fall for the other, or both fall for each other, but things will happen and get in the way and you'll be hurt. keep the scope simple and practical and possible in real world, you'll see why Allah says don't do it.

-"they don't realize the price they pay emotionally even in this world."

doesn't worldly scar hurt enough? i know, i understand, i want the same thing as well. some people want a relationship because they want to get married. they are not looking for a fling. they don't plan to go with the flow, whether it will bring them to marriage or they will go against the current if they don't feel like it. they are serious, and i respect these people. but what if, after all seriousness, it doesn't work out? it will hurt even more because they are that serious. the good times during the journey towards the aisle are good, but nobody can foresee if the the aisle is at the end of the road.

"i can't give you that. nobody can give you that"

-"it's not fair to the people that this kind of individuals would eventually marry"

this is what i've been thinking since what, primary school? everyone else claimed to have found their first love, and subsequent loves, one after another, as if love can be found in every guy you have a crush on. what about your true love if you already have all these loves? i roll my eyes when people say first love stays with us forever, that if we stop loving them, that's not our first love, those bs. if everyone has someone they hung up on whom they've given a piece of their heart to, who will receive a heart which is whole? if someone will always be in love with their first love, what about their last? you'll end up with your soul mate, but your heart is set on some girl you met when you were a teenager. you'll marry your meant-to-be, but you'll never love her as much as you love someone who never loves you back. love, but don't let loose. think of your jodoh. save yourselves for them.

-"you just learn to become insensitive to other people's feelings."

one heartbreak and and it makes your heart cold. it makes you think everyone is the same as that someone who breaks your heart. imagine going through that over and over again, when once is enough to change you.

-"it's the obvious truth."

guys and girls can't be friends. period. okay, according to me, be. but boundaries. you know when you might have crossed the line? when people think you are more than friends. but of course, people can talk, but don't let them talk about something untrue and the fitnah is caused by you. to some people including myself, the lines are different; depends on the individual, situation and environment. but always know yourself and where you shouldn't cross. know the zones and know the lines. insyaallah, i know mine. 

3. Love and Dating in Islam - Sheikh Omar Suleiman

because this is relevant to most of us here, i got some points down for our future reference. but watch it for a fully covered topic. thank me later lol.

"in our deen, we seek Allah through marriage. marriage is half of your deen, that's a rahmah. seeking the pleasure of Allah through another human being, showing mercy to another human being, restricting your ego with another human being."

"if you meet 100 people, 99 of them married someone they didn't think they were gonna be with."
(this freaks me out)

"that's a hell to invest yourself emotionally into something that's not even gonna give you something at the end of the day."

"that's punishment in this world, to go through relationship after relationship, and every time you go through a relationship a piece of you dies. capacity to love, capacity to trust, your emotions get lower, your expectations only rise because you've seen more flaws."

"you can get married to a person for the way they look, it's halal, but it's not smart. that's not something that is going to last. the looks will go. then you'll have to deal with the other stuffs, and the other stuffs might not be so pleasant"

"marriage is a lifetime commitment."

"you're about to make the most important decision of your life and it's biased and it's crooked because you let your infatuation cloud your judgement. Allah doesn't want us to do that."
(this is like a wake-up call for me, i never thought of it that way. our infatuation influence us to make what might be the wrong decision)

"do not expect your kids to stay away from haram if you're making the halal so hard."

"haram is so easy, don't make halal hard."

"even if your kid comes up to you at 18 years old and says mom dad i wanna get married, even if it's not realistic at that point, at least show some support. at least say okay, we're gonna help you, at least go through this much and we'll help you."

"Rasulullah saw said: a person who gets married to protect themselves has a right upon Allah to be supported. the person who tries to protect themselves for the sake of Allah and goes out seeking marriage the halal way, Allah has guaranteed them that He will help."

based on this hadeeth, how can you say love before marriage is haraam?

when it only states what is best for two who love each other is what is halal?

we all want what's best for us at the end of the day, no matter which way.

based on the story of mughits and barirah, how can you say one can not love another?

when prophet muhammad saw was amazed at how much mughits loved barirah

and how much barirah hated mughits?

rasulullah didn't ask mughits to stop loving her.

he only asked barirah if she would marry him, to which she answered no.

"when you pray istikharah please don't expect a dream to come and if you see a dream, you've been thinking about that person anyway. it's not the answer to your istikharah. istikharah is you're asking Allah if this is good for me, make it easier for me. if its bad for me, put obstacles between me and it. as simple as that. trust Allah with that." 
(this is common sense and basic psychology, don't trust your dreams! i never trust mine no matter how good it is, mimpi mainan emosi.)

""i just make dua to Allah to give me that person," so you're saying whether it's a good move or not, "i still want that one."" 

"if you are looking at potential candidates for marriage, and you don't have anything that's making you biased, that's slanting you towards one direction or the other, and you ask for the taufeeq of Allah, and you involve your family from the very start, insyaallah you will find that person. be patient. do not put yourself through the torture of relationship after relationship, thinking that's the better alternative. that will ruin you even more."


one point i love but did not include when i shared this on facebook was about choosing a spouse based on looks. it's one of the four criteria listed by rasulullah saw, it must be pretty important right? but why? and how? it's sunnah to look at your potential spouse, to see if the physical chemistry and compatibility is there. to make you feel the affection needed to go on with marriage. to not make you regret it later. best kan islam? heh heh. tapi zaman sekarang tak main lagi la datang tengok bakal bini, boleh merisik online je haha. but the criteria and sunnah still show why looks, while not the most important, still play its part.

what i never heard/read anywhere else before is when he said, we don't need a spouse who looks like the models on billboards, but we need a spouse who can help us lower our gaze. istilah melayunya, cukuplah sedap mata memandang. sebab bila sedap mata memandang, tak payahlah pandang yang lain lagi kan? boleh menundukkan pandangan ceh. so that's how you know how good looking someone should be to be your spouse. if you can look at her/him to guard your heart and nafs, that should be ENOUGH. say when you see a pretty lady somewhere, you remind yourself "i don't have to stare at her, i already have quite a pretty wife myself hehe. i will look at her lovingly once i'm home, siap dapat pahala lagi! oh my god my God is The Most Generous i love Allah i love my wife!" dengan itu dapatlah beliau menundukkan pandangannya, mendapat kasih sayang Allah dan isteri, menambah kasih sayang kepada Allah dan isteri, seraya menyempurnakan separuh agama semua pada satu masa.

happy ending :)

here's the ending of this long post :) ha hepi la tu.