Save Yourself, You Don't Know Enough

"but they don't even know me."

"that's why. if they know you they might not love you. that's why you can fancy many but love only one person."

"itulah. when they know me they'll be like 'oh kau camni rupanya.' korang pun camtu. i get that, you know."

"so what's wrong with 'oh kau camni rupanya?' apa masalahnya?"

"tah, suka hati aku lah kan nak jadi camne pun."

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then you don't know me enough, said a girl who doesn't let anybody close enough to really know her just so they can have a reason to click the 'unlike' button.

i think if you really know someone, you can like them. or love them. or fall in love with them. with their insecurities, scars, histories, dramas. i think everyone can be this lucky, as long as they let people know who they are. as long as who they are, is them the honest and purest. as long as who you are, is not unpaid prejudice judges. i've discovered souls who are vulnerable in their writings, and the more i read, the more i fall deep. even if we never meet.

then you don't know me enough, she repeated.

sometimes i think i would fall in love with myself. sometimes i think why would i?

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a scene in Desperate Housewives which i remember the most is when Carlos who was blind atm, asked Gaby:

Carlos: Did I ever tell you when I knew I was going to marry you?
Gaby: First time you saw me on the runway.
Carlos: Nooo. That's when I knew I was gonna sleep with you. Nah, I knew I was going to marry you the night we went to that restaurant on 3rd Street.
Gaby: Mmm. I remember that place.
Carlos: Mm-hmm. You wore a white linen sundress and you ordered this giant plate of ribs. And you ate them with such gusto - up to your elbows in barbecue sauce, meat hanging from your teeth and grease in your hair - and when it was all over, I pointed out what a mess you were. You pulled out your mirror, took a look at yourself, and just let out this huge, happy, totally unrestrained laugh. The room completely filled with it, and I thought to myself now *that* is a sound I'd like to hear for the rest of my life. That's why I proposed to you. And it had nothing to do with your looks.
Gaby: You know when I decided I wanted to be with you forever?
Carlos: No. When?
Gaby: About two seconds ago. Up until then, it was pretty touch and go.

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you see me when i look good. when i just powder my shiny nose, apply some fish scale on my lips so i don't look pale. when i iron my cloth, straighten my skirt, and glide with a matching veil. when i eat chips like i'm at the same table with the Queen. when i smile and laugh, when behind this feminine upfront i'm tough.

you don't see me when i don't look good. when i just wake up from ugly sleep, get up from a day in bed cos i'm lazy like that. when i don't care about what i wear, have bad tudung day, and look fat. when i eat like a guy, smudge my face, chili in my teeth. when i cry and frown, when this wall comes crumbling down.

you don't see me when i'm not good. when flaws overflow my frame. when sins shade my silhouette.
when  imperfections ink my name.

ironically, i love myself. i don't need anybody to tell me they don't love me enough or hate me enough to make me doubt my self-appreciation, self-worth, self-acceptance.

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people say they want someone to love them like Snape loved Lily. i used to say that too.

but now i know, who would want that? it's bad enough to hurt someone for a second, let alone for his lifetime, even after you marry somebody else, bear a child, and die. you may think it's sweet, but it's bitter. you may think it's true love, but it's torture.

don't wish someone will love you like Snape loved Lily, if you're gonna marry a James and have a Harry.

you'd think it's nice to feel loved cos they say it's better to be loved than to love.

in reality neither is better than the other if both don't go together.

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people believe in time for many reasons. i do, too. but today i'm only going to talk about one reason.

i believe in time because i believe time makes people forget. time cures pain. time heals broken hearts. time makes people whole again. i'm sorry, i can not. but time can.

if you say you can't forget, is it because you can't, or you won't? it is different, you know. have you tried at all? have you really, really, really tried? or you don't want to forget, because you believe time will make it right? but what time hides, is not within your eyesight, it is in fact beyond your might. so please, let it go.

don't say i don't understand. i do.

if you want to forget, try not to even think about forgetting it. if it crosses your mind, don't let it occupy even one cell of your brain. put your poker face on - no he can't read my poker face, she's gotta love nobody. don't hide behind the mask, but make the mask reveal the new you. wipe the tear, calm the fear, get over it, don't dwell longer. dare it to peek through the hole in your heart, but let it know it can't get inside. fill the void with Allah. hasbi rabbi jallallah, convince your aql, ma fi qalbi ghairullah, until it sinks in your qalb. let zikr dance between your lips, your eyes sway on Quranic verses so you have no time to think and talk about it. beg Allah to make it easy, for He's your heart's true owner, your heart which you hand to a servant who can't hold it just as dear. hold on to your iman, have faith. unfortunately, only Allah knows. fortunately, Allah knows best. challenge yourself for a week or two, and say "challenge accepted!" the way Barney'd do. after the mission is accomplished, let it in, and see if it has changed you. if it still triggers your brain and tears your heart, then do it again, and again, and again.

until one day, it will fade away. if YOU want it to.

don't say i don't know. i do.

there are things we have to fight alone, inside. a silent battle in our heart. our own kind of jihad.

you believe in time for a reason. i do, too. but in this case my reason is different.

please save yourself the torment.