SPM Result: Today Last Year

210312.

today last year.

i still remember waking up in the middle of the night, lying in the dark as shadows of worst case scenarios crept over me. what if my name wouldn't be called? i didn't want to go to school. but it wouldn't change the fact that my name, still was not called. people would talk about that, the candidate didn't go to school to receive the slip and didn't get what the candidate was expected to get. but wouldn't it be more embarrassing if they expected me to go on the stage but i remained seated? trying to keep a cool face and clapping for those who did get on the stage when i was crying inside and wishing i could just evaporate?

today last year.

i woke up after not having enough sleep. my stomach twisted and turned, i could just vomit. praying for the best but preparing for the worst every minute. asking God if it's too late to change the result, please change my reaction so i could accept it with an open heart. i kept calm and had faith. He knows best, i repeated under my breath. i could stop myself from thinking about this day before, but i could not not think about this day today. today had arrived. the day to value the 11 years of schooling which i had survived.

today last year.

going to school, greeted my friends and teachers. everyone was anxious, they said i shouldn't be nervous. little did they know, their expectations made me so. worried i hold hands with my friends, worried i made jokes to diffuse the tension, worried i hold my breath each approaching second. eyes shut when the names were called, lips smiled when i clapped for them all. it's time for the best student of the year to be announced. eyes shut as i hold my breath for the last time, lips smiled as i opened my eyelids, hands cupped on my mouth, Alhamdulillah ya Allah...

today last year.

i got up as hands patted on my back, rubbed my head. their applause fell into the background as i walked to my mom and hugged the woman who had always been there, always, the only one who always had, on the day i got on stage for UPSR result, PMR result, and now, SPM result. i received the slip of my school years, the hamper of my life experiences, as the number of A's was not the amount of revision hours, but more than that, always, always more than that.

today last year.

my friends cried. my friends i loved, my friends i hold dear. my friends who always believed in me, always supported me when some 'friends' did not. my friends who said "I knew you'd make it", who said "always been rooting for you". i locked them in my embrace, whispering useless words of comfort, as i too, began to tear up on their shoulder. "don't cry," i consoled, but who was i to understand them. i sent them a concern message, constructing cliche sentences and i hated myself for that. "don't do stupid things," i pleaded, but who was i to understand them. i couldn't be happy alone, even when they claimed they were happy for me. it was sad, when they had to say "i'm sorry," to me because for themselves, they couldn't be happy.

today last year.

i didn't feel proud, but i felt a huge relief. i didn't feel like i was on top of the world, but life felt like a miracle. i didn't think or talk highly of myself, but this blessing brought me to my knees. i didn't deserve it, but Allah's endless mercy and love made it possible. i was praised to the sky, but it kept my feet on the ground. knowing i didn't deserve something but still got it, was enough to show i got it from Allah, and therefore made me feel how i was nothing but a powerless servant and pushed me to become a better servant because He could take it all back as easily as He gave me. i felt like my heart had no tangled veins and my mind had no knotted mess. i felt so full of happiness yet so empty because nothing worried me. the world's my oyster, the door's wide open, i was going places, it's not everyday when i had this confidence.

today last year. 

i got the golden ticket to ride a train to my dream. Alhamdulillah. but as soon as i boarded the train, i was told to tear it and throw it away. i know it has no worth after i took my seat but it's not just a ticket to me. it's a memory. a pat on the back. a motivation for my future. a part of me. proof that SPM result is just a ticket if you don't put any value in it. those who didn't get straight A's last year, are now in college/uni just like those who did and are working for yet another ticket. once you're where we are, nobody cares how you got here. so fret not if it's not gold. if you got straight A's, congrats! if you didn't, congrats still! la tahzan, life's a spinning wheel. jangan bangga, jangan kecewa. Allah yang kasi, Allah boleh tarik balik, Allah boleh kasi lebih lagi. after all, it is indeed, just a ticket. other tickets await ;)

today last year.

i bought myself a train ticket with efforts i didn't think enough to pay for it, with work not hard enough to get paid off. yet, a year later, here i am, in my second semester at INTEC, doing A-level in Psychology, on my journey. the railway is bumpy but outside the window i marvel at the beautiful scenery and i am sure the destination itself is a wonder. a wonder i have been dreaming of since i was a little girl, a wonder i have been going after for years, a wonder i so treasure.

today last year.

is a day i will always remember :)