Farewell New Zealand

The time has come.

it feels like it was only yesterday I was so excited to board a plane after years, and to be having a 10-hour-journey to New Zealand. It feels like i was just unpacking my stuff, sorting it in a room i would be sleeping in for 44 days.

it feels like just an hour later, i was repacking again. this evening i folded my cloth, gather my things and stuffed them in the bag. tears accompanied me throughout the process, wetting my shirt, making my eyes blood red.

i'm so used to not enjoying the company in my house (except my mother of course) that i've been living my life all lonely, preferring to be trapped in my room than interacting with people i don't have chemistry with.

i'm used to having privacy, to do everything alone. blogging freely in my bed room, watching tv to my heart content, and other things i don't have to share with anyone.

staying in my brother's house hardly gives me privacy. it's hard for me not to have a computer of my own and i hardly watch tv here. not to mention suddenly being in a house with more people than usual is not an everyday thing to me.

but would i trade my company for my privacy?

when the company in question is a family which is normal, on the right track, has overcapacity of love, not the usual family you have, you're willing to sacrifice your 'alone moments'.

if you are always surrounded by people, if you have never live seemingly a lonely life, you can not understand how a company can make you feel really uncomfortable or extremely happy.

my nephew, he's experiencing puppy love. i perfectly understand how you need to tell someone about it. when i was 11, out of desperation to talk about my crush, i told him, who was 6. he still remembers that little secret of mine. it's funny now he's 11 it's his turn to tell me about his crush.

he said he will email me about the updates. when he was chatting with her i was giving him ideas. now that i'll not be here anymore, he doesn't have anyone to express his excitement to.

a couple of times he said "i wish you could stay longer, i wish you could stay until next year". he even asked "do you have to go back to Malaysia?".

my niece made me something out of paper and ribbons, it turns out to be drawings of cats hanging on a ribbon with the words "for ayu". she suggested "what if you just skip school or something?".

i wish, how i wish.

God knows how i don't want to leave New Zealand. i don't want to live the reality, to face bitter elements in my life. if i can i'm holding back my hands from greeting the life i knew, where everything is a mess, stress gets the best of me, paranoia creeps in me every second, annoyance and hatred stand in the way, and although life is materially complete, but negative feelings nest inside me.

in New Zealand, everything's the opposite and simple life with basic necessity can make me feel full, complete, free, happy.

i shouldn't be whining about going home, but after all i never thought of the place i live in as my 'home'. home is where your heart is, and at times my heart isn't even there.

in 2008 my brother and his family returned to Malaysia for a while, and after i bid them farewell at the airport as they were going back to New Zealand, i cried myself to sleep.

now it's my turn to board the plane, to be waved goodbye, and i don't know how to handle the emotion, to swallow the tears in front of people.

I will miss everything in New Zealand: the conserved mother nature, the safety from harm, the low rate of crime, the low cost of living, the variety of colourful flowers, the beautiful beaches, the cool breeze, the kindness of strangers, the friendliness of fellow muslims, the tight malay community, the uncorrupted government, the fresh air, the large moon, the starry sky, the simplicity of life, and most of all the presence of the perfect family i crave.