So, I Am..... Legend! no, I'm Just Back

ok hai. harini aku dah boleh blogging balik sebab quota internet dah update, oh yeaaaaah

aku dah boleh blogging daripada last week actually, sebab alevel dah habis, OH FRCKIN YEAHHHHHH

tapi seperti ayat pertama, aku takde quota internet untuk blogging bagai, tapi aku sebenarnya boleh je blogging dari dulu, sebab alevel dua bulan pun bukan aku belajar 24 jam x 60 hari, 2 jam x 60 hari pun jauh sekali, ok apa ni. cerita dia aku boleh je blogging, tapi hidup aku masa tu serabut. serabut mental, physical, medical, emotional, apa kau nak lagi semua aku dah hadapi. tapi aku hidup lagi sekarang ni. jadi ok la kot. en.

sebab serabut, aku takleh blog. aku taknak blog. kang terbawak-bawak serabut aku tu kang.

tapi sekarang aku boleh berblogging balik. dan aku nak berblogging pasal semuanya. kalau aku blog la. 

masalah utama aku dalam pape pun: boleh je, nak je, tapi buat tak buat, itu persoalannya.

so hi, if you ever read this blog, welcome back. expect a shitload of posts (i hope).

i'd like to say a few things first. i expect those who read this blog as those who know it from my school days (masa aku kecoh berkeretapitutttutt homagad i shame shame now u no), those who know it from blogosphere (if you still stick around fellow bloggers i thank you), and those from my college days - this is what i want to emphasize. jeng jeng jeng.

anybody from intec who reads this shit, i should know you guys because

1. you know about this blog before we even went to intec - i told you, you found out, etc.

2. i told you about this blog because we're friends - i recall four people, and only four.

3. you found this blog and told me about it - thanks for the decency to tell, despite stalking, directed to two of you who became my underrated guy friends in secret, lol. one still free to roam around this territory, one i forbid from returning, for some reasons, and since then he hasn't. both scrolled my timeline for my blog. not sure whether to feel flattered or freak out or turn into a hulk.

of course, i might also not know you. because you either find out about it from someone or somewhere else and silently read about my life, never try to say hi to the girl behind the keyboard. nope, not stalking at all. silent readers, are you not? not sure if you exist, but would be so naive of me to think you don't. it's the internet anyway, and everyone knows everyone in the virtual world, so it's bound to happen. come out and say hello, i won't bite, if you bring me food. i know you're there, hey you sweating in front of the screen! i'm totally spying on my readers on their webcam the whole time, totes. oh and don't think i've forgotten about the intec confession thing, nice attempt at publicity there, thanks but i don't need any. i'm more into, what is it? oh yes, privacy.

i'm going to blog about whatever i want and i don't care if anybody reads it or not. lie. i might slightly care about who does, and i might suggest everyone to stop reading, LIKE RIGHT NOW, ok kidding, but i can't control you, soo *shrugs it off and put shades on. but bear in mind that i try to write as though nobody will read, with the knowledge that somebody can find my word and be offended, or take my word and twist it. so it's gotta be balanced. or i'm just gonna go the old typical ama way of revealing too much or not revealing anything at all. okay? okay. you gave me infinity within a numbered days. my thoughts are stars i can't fathom into constellations. i like my choices, i hope she like hers. ok tetiba.

since i'm blogging again just thought i ought to address my so called readers. ew i feel so vain, borderline narcissistic, i'm not some bloggers. but what do you call people who read your posts, scroll your blog, dig your archive and even screenshot stuffs and share it with the subject, right? i mean, that happens to other bloggers, might not be me, might, not be, but just saying, you know, jasss sayin. nasty things happen on the internet.

not sure if i'll ever let my kid be on it. you write because you get hurt. people read and they get hurt. nasty. 

but yall are welcome here, whether i know you or not, regardless of what you do or don't. it's your business baby, this blog is mine, and all of our dealings will be counted and we're gonna be accountable for it all. let's just hope when the time comes, none of us will be indebted to one another, yes? so, i'm sorry and please forgive me. short, but sincere, i hope.

if there's one thing i do on this blog, i go anon. though not really, but i try. (expect some pictures coming!!!!!). i do the same about what or who i write about here. i write for myself, and i hide others for a reason. would appreciate it if you try to think of it as a good reason, and react to it in a good way.

everyone loves a good samaritan, but not a straight, let alone crooked, simpleton.

love, ama :)

Not that anyone cares, but just so you know...

I'm in a very dark place right now. My future might be dark too.

At least, my blog should know that much.

Just in case.

SEMOGA AMA DAPAT SEMUA A A-LEVEL AMIN

insyaallah terima kasih naa moga Allah berkati hangpa malaikat semua doakan hangpa juga ok tata

(plan nak blajaq sebulan sebelum exam hancoq - seminggu sebelum baru mula - sehari sebelum baru kalut)

(eh awat cakap kedah tetiba ni? hihihi gelak gatai)

(bai assalamualaikum xoxo)

Trial Over Trouble But Now Trial Is Over So Trouble Over Trial?

so today's the end of the one week break i gave myself. and tomorrow's the start of being serious. insyaallah..... by serious i mean going back to class and getting trial result....... and study...... insyaallah..... lol. if i start studying for real now one month and two weeks before the real alevel trial, this is really the start of the new ama. hopefully. never been seen before. insya- no, no more insyaallah. but bismillah! cey.

how was trial? hmm let see. i happen to know a few people here with dramas. nearing the exam week, their episodic events of conflicts seemed to be reaching the climax. among the episodes was one when somebody asked to see me, and upon seeing me cried on my shoulder for like 10 minutes, or less, or more. upon completing the crying session, that person wiped their eyes, and said, "dah." and i said, "ok."

that's not the first time for the record.

people were stressed out because of their own dramas and other people's dramas which they had to deal with by listening to lengthy details not concerning their lives or by directly getting involved in it. then i had to listen to them being stressed out about listening to other people's problems, which was kinda ironic, but i didn't mind, so i kept listening. as long as you don't drag me into your shit, it's fine. nope, not this time. other time can, this time cannot. trial for god's sake weh trial alevel!!!

they were so 'trouble over trial'. they were troubling people with their troubles, people who only wanted to be troubled by trial. so i told them "put off your problems. tell them to put off their problems. until after trial. just for these two weeks. pause. then have the world war III all you want i couldn't care less and in fact, i'd even be there."

but then, lalala, the night before trial started, i had to deal with a little complication of my own.

i was called a bitch. my reaction? i was surprised. seriouslyyy did that just happen? so i asked "what is your problem?" maybe i laughed a little. because it felt funny. i had never been called a bitch. not that i know of, lol. so that kinda added up to life experience, haha. and maybe because being called a B didn't bother me as much as something else i found out about that night did. that did bother me that being called a bitch was a comic relief. seriously i was just surprised and not angry at all. i didn't deserve to be called as such i'd say. but i understand the situation and the reason. so i was okay.

i ended up having to tell myself what i told people: put off your problem. trial over trouble.

be cool. act normal. about that thing that bothered me, i decided to put it off until after trial. but now i've decided to put it on hold until after alevel. which i think i wouldn't even bring up later on. but if i do, it's out of having to let it off my chest, and not because of being mad and causing world wars or things like that.

on the whiteboard in the class where we put our stuffs during exam. i didn't know who did this but i know it's not anyone from my class. and my class is the only class taking full psychology alevel. the other two/three classes only took half the subject. and already you said it's susah nok harom! hahahaha who said psycho is easy who said?! i feel proud lol. 

that's the story of the sunday before the first week of exam. this is the story of the sunday before the second week of exam. i don't even, whatever. luckily it all happened on sundays, haha.

after it happened i already wrote something about it, but i lost what i wrote. must have deleted it by accident. ok i typed it fine. i have bad handwriting okay. so can't copy paste it here. yeah i'm gonna blog about something old and the feeling is not gonna be fresh. but oh well. yeah i cheat, i sometimes i write things somewhere else first after it happens before blogging them. like i said, i never stop writing.

okay what happened was... i woke up sunday morning. grabbed my phone, as usual. i received a very long text. one of an apology. i literally just open my eyelids and the bright screen was blinding in the dark and i had to take time to digest what's going on. then i got it. i smiled. then i performed subuh. and i cried.

then i felt mad.

you don't get to make me feel shitty and send an apology. you don't get to make me sad then say sorry. you don't get to be the reason why i was unhappy, then having to cope with these changes, then when i've accepted it months later you said you miss me. i miss you too. but that doesn't make up for it at all.

you don't get to leave and then come back. nobody gets to do that to me. nobody.

you want to hug me? i feel like punching you instead for what you put me through.

no, i don't want to be rational now although i am one of the most rational people i know. i want to let it out. i want to let it go. it's not about me not doing it too and being ego. this is about you. i appreciate you making the first step but this is not about giving you praise. this is about you letting months pass. you have no idea what i felt whatsoever. because you didn't want to listen when i tried to tell you.

i've accepted my place, i've adapted to change, and i think things will never be the same.

it will be awkward and weird. and just. different.

there.

i don't know if i felt this because it still hurts, or because i was just still mad or sad.

there's a difference.

about one week after i blog about being unhappy, i stopped being unhappy.

one day, you just stop feeling sad.

you start being mad.

being mad is better than feeling sad.

then one day, you stop being mad.

you stop feeling anything.

that's the best kind of being.

i really felt better. i didn't give a shit. and it felt good. but receiving that text, reminds me of feeling shitty.

okay. i don't know if what i wrote earlier is any similar to this. however. what i wrote that sunday, i wrote before going to sleep that night, or going back to sleep that day. i don't remember. but what i remember was i had a dream right after writing it. weird dream. about what i had not dreamt in a long time. it had nothing to do with what i wrote. it was a dream about a different subject. but maybe... the same theme.

i remembered having that dream only after one hour of waking up. did you know that most of our dreams are forgotten right after we wake up? i considered it a luck, so i wrote about the dream in detail, like i sometimes do. did you know that few people dream in black and white? i always remember my dream, but i never notice in what colour it is. but that day, i realized i dream in colour. because in that dream, i saw the colour blue.

blue. among all colours. like it shines right through.

i think that was the second dream which made me realize i dream in colour. the first dream was about three or four years ago. but it might not be legit because the colour which was the highlight was white.

it was about the same subject though.

sigh. 

so that was my trial report. bitch and babe. because blogging about how i did for each subject would be a bore. ok i did that a few years ago. but really i don't know what my fate is this time. i guess it's not going to be as good as last sem's final exam.

but i will get better for the real alevel. in one month and two weeks. insyaallah. bismillah. 

I'm a Stranger In My Own House

i become that little girl again at twenty. Shaking, sad, mad, scared, trapped. Bound to both heaven and hell for eternity. because you will never leave your home. 

i've come a long way. from feeling worthless to where i was a few hours ago. i've come a long way to regress back to this state. i've come a long way to notice that i can actually never leave. i've been running in circle in and out of this regression but i can't go out of it for good. because some things never change. because some people never change.

i've come to conclude that some people were born with a personality. they can change, according to phases or places, but their personality will remain the same. even if they claim to have changed to be better than who they were, you can expect their attitude and appearance may change, but their personality may not. because it's innate. it has been a part of them for so long that to them it isn't wrong. so they bring that personality wherever they go, whoever they be. as if it's biologically fixed, because they don't change psychologically.

but i will not let this little girl in me be my personality. i have come a long way. i have learned to love life. i have learned to love myself. i have learned to see the good in people. i have learned to see the good in this world. i have learned to have faith. i have learned that i matter, that i am of worth, that i have value, that i am loved.

why do you have to take all that away from me?

i used to feel like a nobody. but this time, why do you have to pin me as the bad guy? what have i ever done wrong? why am i never good enough? what else do i have to be? do i have to be perfect? do i have to be a saint? do i have to be an angel? to be so good? but oh no, you don't want me to be the best. because that's what makes me so bad in the first place doesn't it? and of course, you always know better. you are always better.

and i'm still the worthless kid whose opinion is nothing of value and whose feelings never matter.

but i never knew i was a threat.

if i didn't love myself, oh i would be as bad as you thought of me, even worse than that just to drag you along with me to hell just like you said. but i love myself. and anyone can drag themselves to hell without my help.

is insulting every aspect of me better than beating up every inch of me? everything i've ever done since i was a kid is never right and would influence me to be such a bad person because you're my best role model who oh always stays true to yourself and makes all the best choices aren't you? it used to be what i read, then what i watched, then who i was friends with, now what i say, what i study, where i'm going, everything is wrong and even when i learn about islam it's not right! you even questioned my faith! how does it not make me a real muslim? tell me how the person you were your whole life made you more muslim than i am? i didn't want to touch this issue but you did it first. that's the worst you've ever gone against me in all these years. your verbal abuse is no better than physical abuse. oh i know if you could, you would. you almost. you said it yourself. it's nothing new to you. listen to yourself. you're judgemental and delusional.  you're paranoid and jumud. you're irrational. you're everything i'm against but what people don't know is i've been living with it my whole life. everything you say is questionable. whatever you accuse me of, you do too. whatever you say i am, you are as well. to say the least.

i know my sins. but the shits you throw me with, are not mine. i'm tired of this. it never ends.

i'll never be your equal.

so yeah, talk about me to other people, talk against me. and i should never talk again.

i used to not talk at home, you see. i only talked to my mom. but in the presence of particular people, i became completely silent. because i knew better than to talk and have my words used against me, because why? because i didn't know anything. because age defines maturity and knowledge. because i was stupid. oh no, i was book smart, but that's what made me stupid in everything else because i thought i was such a smartass, right? when in fact i was just a stupid little kid.

so at home i hardly rarely talked to anyone else but my mom. but in the recent years, i changed. i developed my voice. i gained my figure. i became a person. i was more confident, and no longer silent. i share myself with the world, i show the real me to other people. but at home i mostly still talk only to my mom, but i was not afraid anymore to be heard by anybody else. because i believed people change. i began to believe that blood is thicker than water. i began to believe that we were getting better. but i was wrong.

this is my mom too. that was my dad too. why don't i feel like i belong? babah babah babah, with each breathe, i wished you were here. i knew it would be better if you were here. mama, thank god you are here. this is my home. this is my house. why am i the one who has to hide? why am i the one who has to leave?

i've been wanting to leave since i was a kid, not simply because i was ambitious. i wanted to stay in a boarding school and to study in another country not for that sole reason only. there's more to it than that. but now i can't leave because it will bring out the worst of me? are you serious? are you kidding me? don't you even know me? yes! you never know me! you have no idea who i am... at all. and you don't even want to know.

they say if you want to marry somebody, ask about them to their family. well in my case, don't. because what you will hear about me from them will make you flee. but it's good for you to flee, because nobody wants to marry this family.

the worst thing is when your family sees you as a stranger and strangers know you better.

yesterday, out of the blue, i got this.

i knew it's the truth, good things have to be shared because people love to share bad things. 

i've experienced it. and it's proven again today. but this time, not by a friend, not by an enemy.

now i just stare at this message, thinking how strange that strangers see me in such a good way.

maybe they don't really see me? no. i will not be that little girl. i have come a long way just to doubt myself.

but now i know that's how you see me. i wish you never have to see me again.

my mom wiped my tears and rubbed my back and patted my head and brushed my hair and touched my cheek throughout the day. she doesn't normally do this. only when something happens. i became that little girl, as if years haven't passed. she said don't bother what he says, because he isn't that good anyway and he was worse and he thought we didn't know. she said something else she has been saying from the very beginning and until now never stops saying. she said nothing is wrong with me, as long as i take care of my prayers. nothing is wrong with me. i try to make that echo in my head, silencing all my doubts and demons.

she's the only reason i still go home. she's the reason hell feels like heaven.
so you see now why i actually only really care about my mom?

my dad gave me courage. my mom gives me strength.
without my dad, everything has happened. without my mom, i don't know what would happen.
so alhamdulillah. and nauzubillah.

i didn't want to become a writer simply because i wanted to write. i didn't want to write simply because i loved it. it was my way to let things out. it was my way to tell my story without talking about me. want to know what's my first mental novel about about ten years ago? it's about a girl who left home.

i never really talk about my family to anybody. because i still love my family and i know them better despite what i know. i am the only one who gets to judge them because i am a part of them. but other people might misjudge and i don't want that. so blurting out all this on a public blog, i'm so screwed and messed up. but oh well. welcome to my life. this is reality. learn from my story.

for a girl who wants to love, i have so much hate.

oh Allah please take it all away. please.

i'm okay. if i'm not, i will be okay. thank you.

Twenty and Thankful :)

it's my birthday today, and my birthday present i give myself is... i'm at home!

i've been planning this since last week? last two weeks? what i wanted for my birthday was a day of doing nothing, a day to chill and relax, a day to run away from reality. so i planned to skip class today and tomorrow. class wasn't supposed to be on this week, the lecturers are busy marking trial papers, and all i do if i go to class is everything else except study. so... why not? but in light of the latest information from an informer, i might as well extend this short escape this whole week! muehehe.

yes i just got back from kl to shah alam on sunday night with my bro. yes right after class on monday afternoon i went back to kl again on my own. yes it's crazy. but that's what i wanted to do, so that's what i did. although before that there was some unexpected unwanted incident in which i was being followed by someone i would rather not be seen with... but it's all good. i got back home as planned. after two hours of commuting. after only some hours in shah alam. i was home again. 

today, i woke up in the morning in my own bed, not having to get up and go to class, and it felt good.

but everything else was just okay. or bad, i don't know. but the best was it was okay. the worst was the "ended" of MH370. i shed tears at some points throughout the day because of it. it already started the night before when "ended" gave a whole new meaning but at the same time, the meaning was unknown. i never stop following the updates, i make sure i never miss anything. you could talk to me about it over a cup of coffee or a glass of ice tea and we'd have to refill because i won't stop talking. i will cite what i read from somewhere and tell what i heard from somebody. perhaps another post for this.

that's all i did too, on my birthday. i followed the updates. like i've been doing for more than two weeks. because i care about the case. and maybe because if i didn't do that, i had nothing else to do, and if i wasn't sad about it, i'd be sad about me.

but i lost it anyway. no matter how indulged you are in the lives of others, you can never really escape yours.

i guess i just have to get used to it. that every year, i will be sad on my birthday. the sooner i deal with it, the sooner it stops. let it out, don't have to keep it in. it's not gonna work, it's gonna come out anyway. so let it be. then live on.

what's weird was i didn't feel all this ten years ago. when did it start? last year? last two years? last three? i don't know. but it started and it won't stop. at least, it didn't this year. the last birthday i spent here. which made me sadder because today was just like the previous years, even less, as if i'd be around next year. but then again if i would, it's not like it would be any different, wouldn't it?

for most part of the day i was asking myself what am i doing? nothing.

should i have stayed in shah alam? no.

i feel distant, so i distant myself.

i didn't leave shah alam on my birthday simply to spend it in kl. it's not like i celebrate my birthday here, or have anything special. it's really just like any other day, even less than that maybe. but at least it's better than being in akasia, i assume. or because i didn't want to know if it would be better or worse, that's why i prefer being at home. at least i already know how it always is.

and even then, some sadness just can't disappear.

it's gonna be the same anywhere anyway. so at least at home it will be less worse, if not better.

after i was done being sad for myself, i resumed being sad for the ended flight.

it puts things in perspective, especially on a birthday, doesn't it?

i am luckier than those on board. i am way luckier than those who have loved ones on board.

if i think of what i should have, i'll never feel full. but when i think of what i do have, i'll always feel thankful. thank you Allah. to be alive and to have those i love alive, are more than enough. thank you all for all your wishes.

i appreciate wishes for my year and my life, rather than my day. because i might have "happiness" and "success" and "blessings" and "joy", but i'm not having "fun" or "a blast". 

then again, it reminds me, why is it so important to have a meaningful day in a year when you already have a meaningful life? why does my life have to be based on how good my birthday is when i have many other good days throughout these twenty years? why do i have to mind about what people do for me on my birthday when people have done so much for me on other days? why do i have to bother what i get today when i've already got a lot?

this personal holiday isn't even the only birthday gift i gave myself this year. but at least i can give myself what i want, right?

i have to be thankful for my life, rather than for my birthday, right? there's a lot to be thankful for! :)

anyway, if one year is an indicator of anything, it indicates how much things have changed. what day is better for you to realize what is different between then and now than your birthday? i have changed. people have changed. i just wonder what year will it be when i can count on the constant from then on.

and i hope the constant i have now, will still be here in many years. that's my birthday wish and daily prayers.

so this is me 20 years ago :)

thanks to my mom for giving birth to me and my dad for making sure i was not swapped with other babies by following me from the delivery room to the baby nursery until i was tagged with that pink card to make sure i'm his and it didn't end up like some malay drama hehe :')

like any other day, today is ordinary. but today, i'm twenty :)

it's something big, isn't it?

My Mom Never Tells Me Not To Be Friends With Anybody

what i like about my mom is - ok fine, one of the things i love about my mom is she never tells me not to befriend anyone.

i've had many types of  friends with many kinds of experiences. but whoever they were, or whatever they did, my mom never once said "jangan kawan dengan dorang" or "takyahlah kawan dengan budak camtu". not ever. not even once.

because my mom didn't judge them. i've gone through many phases myself, to be fair. and one of the phases was i was judgemental. i hated myself for that. that was a part of me i am ashamed of. i was 13-14. i didn't hate my friends, i never thought of not being friends anymore, but still, i looked at them in a different way. i talked about them in a different way. as if what they did or who they were was so wrong. even if it was, i shouldn't have done that. i didn't really badmouth them, i didn't talk that badly about them. but to this day it still feels wrong. not them. not what they did. but what i did. me.

i realize about this whenever other parents tell their children not to be friends with anyone.

it occurs to me "but my mom never does that."

i've heard other parents telling their children not to be friends with someone just because that kid had a crush and talked about her crush. hello? i've had friends who had boyfriends when we were in primary school! did i have a boyfriend too just because i was surrounded by such friends? no! mind you, this is not me being saint, it was just my principle. that at 11/12 it was laughable to have a boyfriend no matter how much we liked each other. at least to me, i wouldn't stick on myself that label. even then, i had crushes, and i talked about them. so what? did it make me kinky? even if i did have a boyfriend, so what? am i that dirty?

if i say i have a boyfriend now or something of that sort, does your perception of me magically change? if so, goodbye. 

please, please, please, get this parasitic prejudice out of your head.

come on, don't tell me you've never at least had a crush? pfft. this is what happens when adults forget how it's like to be kids and teenagers. we all have our phases. be there with your children in each phase instead of stopping them to enter any or telling them to skip some. that's the only way you lead them down the road without them going astray.

i'll never forget the day when my high school friends came to my house for raya. we were 14. when they left, my bro said they were all good girls. why? because "semua pakai tudung." excuse me? applying deductive reasoning, does it mean if i had free-haired friends, i made bad choices? that they were bad girls? excuse me? did you just oversimplify people? did you just base your whole judgement on hijab? did you just overgeneralize all hijabists as good girls? so what about my friends who came beraya two years earlier? they didn't wear tudung. so they were bad girls? i made bad choices? i was friends with bad people?

what made me mad was the fact that i knew my friends. that i knew how to make choices. and even if i did make bad choices in choosing friends, it didn't mean i would become bad as well.

little did my brothers know that, now, many years later, those free-haired friends are getting better at covering their aurah and getting better as muslims as a whole, and that some of those hijab-wearing friends have done things they would be surprised to know a hijabist would do. but nevermind, that's their lives. however, something concerning my life is that some of them, have hurt me, betrayed me, oh and stolen my money by lying to me. and many others. but nevermind, as long as they wore hijab, right?

my mom? she never cared about all this.

whenever i told my mom about anything my friends did which was bad to the old-judgemental-me, she always said only one and one thing only. she told me not to be like them. because don't be like people who you talk about. that's all. she didn't say that because she warned me not to do anything against her wishes. she said that because she advised me not to eat my own spit. 

now when i'm reminded about it, it reminds me of a hadeeth which states that we won't die unless we've committed the same sin we backbite about.

my mom might not have said it based on this hadeeth, and even if this hadeeth doesn't exist, it's true nevertheless. fyi, one doesn't need to study religion and law and moral to have common sense. my mom said it simply on the basis: jangan jadi macam dia, sebab kita dah cakap pasal dia. biasanya kita jadi macam orang yang kita cakapkan. jadi jangan mengata orang, takut jadi sama macam dia. senang je logik mak aku.

true enough, years later.... i haven't exactly been like those i once talked about, but i have changed my mind about them. i have changed my mind about their actions. that i could be the one doing it, that i even would, too.

i'm proud of my mom for being wise. for not judging. for being neutral. whatever i told her, she didn't really react to it. she just listened. then told me "asalkan tak jadi macam dorang."

people change. my friends change. i change. so why do you let one action change your perception of the person? even perceptions change. nothing remains the same.

i showed this to my mom and she laughed at the cartoon mom's hair

"kelakar rambut mak dia. tu mak dia boleh je rambut pendek"

"maaa!"

i don't let my mom have typical old people short haircut lol

then she saw this

"tu dia buat apa pulak dengan mak dia? comey" and she laughed

my mom is so cute :")

what i learn from my mom, i learn from observation. because she does it. not because she tells me to. maybe her ways work with me, because i'm quite a rebel. i don't do things i'm told to do. i do things without being told to, what i see people do. religion, law, moral, i do what i see my mom does. i guess i grew up quite well. although at the beginning, i was quite a lot to handle.

wearing tudung? my mom didn't tell me to do that. i didn't really want to do that either. but at 11, i did because of some reasons. at that time i had this difficult relationship with one of my bros. so one day when he saw me wearing tudung, he said "kan bagus macam ni pakai tudung." the next day, i went out not wearing tudung. and i made sure he saw me. hah. i was trying to make a point. the point was i don't do things because you tell me to! plus at that time i hated him, so i didn't want him to think that i did it because he wanted me to do it. i didn't want him to 'win', no matter how stupid that was. i do what i do, because i want to.

even until now. i do what i do, because i want to. not because people tell me to. not because that's what my friends do. to me i have my own identity. that is why my choice of friends do not define me. i have befriended all types of people with all kinds of experiences. i was even in 'mean girls' group and later in 'good girls' group. but i was still my own person. not to say that i'm such a good girl, it's just that i'm not easily influenced. if i do something bad, that's my own decision. 

i once thought about parents who told their children not to be friends with anyone, and then i thought about my mom who never does that, and i felt so overwhelmed i almost cried. my mom is such a nice person.

it's only up to her children to make the best out of that, or take advantage of that.

the only time my mom tells me not to befriend anybody is if befriending them makes me mad or sad.


my mom knows my friends who are worth knowing. girls and guys. my mom never forbids me from being friends with boys. boys used to come to rumah for beraya. they can even come now and my mom doesn't have any problem with it. the problems are: 1. i have poyo bros. 2. i don't feel like letting them come myself. because malas nak layan. lol. and because YOU have problems with me, how do you even dare to show your face up my front door? man i'm not gonna invite you to my wedding let alone my house. bam.

jadi laki jangan pepandai la datang rumah aku tetiba tak bagitau. kalau aku tak bukak pintu sebab aku taknak tengok muka kau, jangan salahkan aku. lagipun adab bertandang kena bagitau dulu. reti?


when i was 13-14, i was judgemental because i was just exposed to syeikh google and imam internet... you get me? i read everything on the internet and i accepted it without questioning, without checking with other sources, without applying it in reality. so i also became worried and unrealistic. it affected me to the point i once cried because i thought "why is it so hard to live? why am i living in sins? how to get away from this all?" i expressed my concern to my mom and she said "buat biasa je. sekarang baru sekolah, belum belajar belum kerja. nanti macam mana? jadi sederhana je." she was realistic. don't do anything that's wrong, but not everything is wrong. now, that's what i'm doing. i didn't listen to my mom, but i learnt it from experience. yes, true. there are limitations in this life, but it doesn't limit you from living. i guess i'm okay. not tied, not wild. living my life.



maybe my mom and i do make a good team. her ways happen to work well with mine. had another girl been her daughter, maybe it would have caused chaos. i could have misused my mom's trust all the time, but i didn't. not because i'm such a good daughter and didn't want to betray her, but simply because i just don't feel like doing such things. all those evenings stayback kat sekolah? boleh je pergi merempit kuar dating ke apa. pastu pegi sekolah balik tunggu mak datang ambik. all those night classes kat sekolah yang aku tak pernah pergi sebab katanya masalah transportasi dan sebab sebenarnya malas nak pergi? boleh je ambik kesempatan sebab ada pulak yang bersedia jadi bodyguard hantar pergi balik. but i wasn't that innocent either. i just never went that far.

yeah, my mother knew the bodyguard. lol. mama never gave red light. she just said "asalkan jangan lebih-lebih." know what to do and what not to do. that's what she answered when i asked her about it, not that i ever changed the tittle bodyguard to bo- something else. and that's when i was in school. now that i'm out of school, she gave me green light. lulz. more on that later :3

one more thing my mom always tells me no matter what i do or who i be or who i was worried that i would be, is this: "asalkan jangan tinggal solat." perform your prayers and everything else should be okay. don't worry too much. perform your prayers and you won't go astray.


rather than reminding me about what type of friends i can/cannot be friends with, my mom always reminds me about what type of person i have to be. that it's all me. she doesn't put the blame or the praise on my friends, she puts it all on me. that if i do something wrong, i am to be blamed. if i do something right, i am to be praised. i don't know if that's her intention, but that's how i know that i decide my own definition. i develop my own identity. regardless of where i am and who i am with. which is good. which is genius.

i'm trying to listen without judging, know without assuming, talk without accusing. even if i do, i try not to talk about it, keep it to myself, and brush it off, thinking i don't know any better and i am not any better and i could be worse in the past and i could do worse in the future. the thing is, i like to gossip. lol. yeah yeah i know it's not good. but i try not to slander or bitch about the subject, i just talk about it matter-of-factly. because sometimes listening and knowing and talking about people is fun, hahah k.

which reminds me of a couple of days ago. an ustaz on tv said "nak tengok camne jodoh kita, tengok ibunya dulu."

i said "my mom is perfecto. so i'm pun perfecto." ma laughed. hehe i'm not perfect at all but my mom kind of is, so ok la kan? lolol.


this is one of the reasons why i love my mom so much, if loving your mom ever needs a reason. she's not judgemental. she trusts her children, it's up to us what to do with that trust. she doesn't tell me "don't do this, don't do that" apart from religious obligations. i don't know why, either she knows how her daughter is, what type of person i am and what kind of things i do, or she just trusts me despite the reality of modern day daughters.

whatever it is, it means a lot to me. because it shows that she knows her daughter.

she knows i know myself better than to have such a fragile self-concept easily shaken by my peers.

insyaallah.

this is why my mom is the best mother for me, our ways work well and that's what matters.

alhamdulillah :)