Me and Mama's Weird Relationship The 2nd Episode

since this semester started i've been home every weekend. by hook or by crook. by ktm and by lrt. as long as it gets me home. every single weekend. and every single time i'm about to go back to college, such situations take place:

Situation 1

me: nanti mama rindu ayu tak. ma jangan rindu ayu tau.

ma: tak rindulah.

me: ayu lagi rela mama tak rindu ayu, nanti kesian mama

ma: buatpe nak rindu. nanti ayu yang rindu mama. takyah rindu-rinduan.

Situation 2

me: kenapa ma baik ngan ayu ni ma. mesti sebab ayu dah nak balik dah kan. mama baik ngan ayu bila ayu nak balik je.

ma: mama memang baik.

Situation 3

me: apa?! ma nak masak apa ayu suka?? aww! ayu dah jadi uda eh? ma dah sayang ayu macam ma sayang uda eh?!

ma: mengada

Situation 4

me: ma jangan baik sangat boleh tak nanti camne ayu nak balik nanti ayu homesick camne nanti ayu rindu mama

i'm in my homesick phase. just like after spm when i was homesick before i even went to college. and when i finally did, i was not homesick because i had prepared myself for it. except for the times when i had problems i didn't prepare myself for, that always called for a call to home. like now. so i'm also homesick because i'm not happy. when you're not happy, you're homesick. regardless of your definition of home or happiness.

tonight, before leaving home:

Situation 5

ma: yang nak belajar jauh punnn. balik shah alam pun camni.

ma: sampai bila nak camni?

me: dulu ayu tak camni pun kan..... sebab sekarang ayu tak happy ma.

ma: habis tu kalau tak happy kat sana camne?

Situation 6

me: ma, camne ayu nak fly camni?

ma: tah, ayu la

me: ma, sampai bila ayu nak camni?

ma: tah, ayu la

me: kalau ayu kawen tah2 ayu tak jadi camni lagi ma

ma: tah. nanti tambah masalah. salu gaduh. gaduh je call mama. pening mama.

me: ma ayu tak kawen pun lagi mana ada salu gaduh ma ni!

seriously. it comes to the point where i need a distraction to distract me from a distraction. haih. i always do that, you know. distractception. i use distractions to distract me from distractions which are distracting me. once the distracted distractions (the ones happen naturally) stop, the distracting distractions (the ones caused by me) stop too. maybe if i have something to look forward to, it will make me forget about what i want to run away from. if i just have something to take my attention away from what is affecting my focus. if only.

Situation 7

me: bai ma...
ma: sekejap je, lagi berapa hari nanti balik la kan.

:)

on the phone it's often:

me: love you

ma: ye

me: love you

ma: hmm

me: love you

ma: ok

me: maa cakap la love you balik!

ma: mengada haha

i can't help but think that somehow my mom is like hazirah. between me and them, i am more capable of expressing emotions in the bond between us, although usually i am just as indifferent to others. mama and hajer won't show affection unless you shower them with affection first. and make them get used to being affectionate. and annoy them so they comply for the sake of shutting me up. yeah.

and hazirah noticed this too!

mama being cute speaking and saying she loves me, aww. keluarga kami bukan keluarga cakap omputeh ok. cakap melayu je sudah. membesar dengan bahasa ibunda, sebab itulah bahasa masih jiwa bangsa.

ok switch back to engrish.

if you are to scroll through hazirah and my conversation, you will find parts like this, seriously. when i finally blog about you hajer i will show the world the proofs, just you wait.

my mom is my best friend is common. but my best friend is like my mom...? hahaha.

God works in a wondrous and mysterious way.

i'm not only homesick for me. i'm not even worried about myself. but i'm also homesick for her. i get paranoid about her. i feel like i don't want to leave mama alone. i don't want to go anywhere without her. let me take care of her, although she is the one who takes care of me now. this is not just an honest hope. this is a strong urge. a deep desire i can't even measure. i have felt this before. but i got over it. i hope i will get over it this time too.

when i tell this to mama, she always indirectly tells me to get a life. literally.

i don't think people understand my fears and desires and worries and wishes, having only one parent left.

i forgot where, but i once read about how someone was talking to their mom on the phone or via skype i can't remember, but i remember they said that they noticed one thing: mothers never hang up first.

so one night this week after talking to my mom on the phone, after my very last word after few last words, i hung up first. in that split second the memory of what i read stroked me. i called my mom again, just to say the same last words, and after my very last word, i waited. she didn't hang up. i told her to hang up. only then she did.

i smiled.

never gonna let my mom hear me hanging up on her again.

Me and Mama's Weird Relationship

Me and my mom on daily basis.

Situation 1

me: ma nak naik dah ke?

ma: haah

me: goodnite assalamualaikum love you muah muah eh jaaap

ma: apa

me: *pergi kat mama*

ma: *muka berkerut*

me: *peluk cium mama*

ma: *muka berkerut*

me: asal muka mama camtu?

ma: mama pelik

me: haha pelik apaaa

ma: macam mana nak pergi jauh macam ni

me: eee mama ni comel laa!

Situation 2

me: mama nak ayu fly ke tak?

ma: ikut suka ayu la

me: maaaa!

ma: ye la ayu yang nak belajar bukan mama

Situation 3

ma: *makan ikan lama yang takde sape nak makan dah*

me: ma makan??

ma: sayang

me: ma lagi sayang ikan ke ayu??

my relationship with my mom is unlike that of any other. we have a weird relationship. sometimes, if you listen to us talking, you might think we are fighting. but that's just how we talk. i tell this to mama a lot:


benci mama

geram la ngan mama

menyampah la mama ni

jangan camtu sangat boleh tak

jangan cakap pape boleh tak

ma diam laaa

ma tolonglah

maaa tepiii

*picit*

*tolak*

*tampar*

*baling bantal*

*gigit*

*ye, gigit*

and mama says this a lot to me:

ugh
apa

tepiii

benci

pegi ah

sakitlah

diammm

mengada

ish ayu ni

cam beruk
ayuuu laluuu
lecehla ayu ni

jangan kacau

jangan lahhhhh

like i said, weird relationship. mainly because i can't contain my love so i express it in such a way. when i love people i jadi geram tau tak and taktau nak buat apa dengan dorang  and taktau how to show the love so i get physical. that's why i get ganas and slap, pinch, bite them... you name it. i also geram kat mama because she's so comel in what she does and says and how she looks so i always menyendeng kat dia but then i can't handle her comelness so i push her away and she'll say "mama memang duduk sini ayu yang datang ayu la pegi!"

that's just some of the many weird examples.

but the most common situation between my mother and i

me: sayang mama. sayang sayang sayang sayang sayang sayang sayang

ma: *tengok tv*

me: sayangnya mama ni menyampahlah benci pegi ah

ma: *baca paper*

me: sayangnya mamaaaaaaaaaa

ma: .......

me: MA! AYU SAYANG MAMA LAH!

ma: ha ye la sayang la

me: sayang sangat faham tak?!

ma: sayang je la, semua orang pun sayang mak

me: tak. ayu sayang mama lebih. orang lain tak sayang mak dorang cam ayu sayang mama.

ma: dorang pun sayang sama je

me: TAK!

ma:

me:

ma: *resumes ignoring me*

in any relationship there is one person who shows his love more than the other.

in mama and my weird relationship, i'm that person.

i was not like this when i was much younger.

i guess, i'm making up for lost time.

and spending as much time as i can.

:)

The Year I Almost Gave Up - 2013

2013 was not a good year for me. it was worse than other years, for some reasons. but i still thank God because it was not my worst year yet. it only takes a reason for a year to be the worst, and i will always pray to God to not make it happen. 2013 ending without being the worst year was enough for me to be thankful for.

but that doesn't make the troubles in the three any less.

i write, you know. i'm always writing. even if i don't post it anywhere or share it with anyone. i'm always thinking, typing on my phone, writing on any paper i could get my hands on. 2013 witnessed how i write a lot but with nobody to witness what it's about. there are confidential tumbr texts, unpublished blog posts, saved phone notes, crumpled torn papers... because there is no other way to let it out.

i was lost throughout the year about one thing or another, but at one point i was lost about everything all at once. i was lost academically, socially, personally... you name it. it was not the fault of the year. maybe it was the time, or the place. i don't know.

these are some of the notes in my phone.

-"this is the place where i cry the most for the most reasons. i cry because of my friends, my studies, my family, i even cry for being alone, which i never did before. i cried easily, but i wasn't much of a cry baby. i wasn't really a grown up kid calling their mother because they are about to burst. when i cried, i cried alone. i don't remember ever being this emotionally vulnerable. i would cry because of family reasons the most when i was a kid. that's the only other time i cried this often to my mom. when i was 13 i cried the most because of peers issues. that's the only other time i cried to my mom over the phone. when i was 17 i cried the most because of a broken heart... i didn't cry to her at all lol. these are some examples of my different stages of being the most affected by different reasons. i guess everyone has their own phase and pace. their own theme of life at a certain age. but now, at freaking 19? i cry for all reasons at the same time, or one right after another. i cry for everything or nothing at all. at 19 i become the kid who cried to her mom once upon a time. she's actually surprised. my mom said isn't college supposed to be fun? isn't college life the time when people have the most fun? don't people at this age study what they like and have fun with their friends, having the time of their lives?

yes, i do, but i also don't, so, no, mother."

-"i think and feel all the time. i write about it most of the times. i blog about it sometimes.

i guess i've felt it all - being the average jane, the valedictorian, the failure. and even then my scale of each is different than that of another person. my average is not really average, and my failure is not really a failure. but enough to make me feel what one is supposed to feel. enough because that's what i feel on my own scale. Allah let me feel it all and see the different reactions and treatments people give me. the valedictorian gets a lot more than the average jane does and the failure gets the least. at least now, i kinda understand."

-"i can't tell this to anybody here because they either are better, or in a situation worse than i am."

it feels like drowning. no light, no air. you're breathless, hopeless. it sucks the life out of you, but you won't die. you just don't die. you keep on drowning. it is one of the worst things to feel. i was feeling this for months.

perhaps for now i should just talk about how i was lost academically, because it involved no other human being and so no heart will get hurt. i think it will help some people out there, as i've told this story to two people and they almost and actually cried. perhaps that is only because they are also the two people who get me the most, and they were also in a situation that they could relate to. another person actually told me to blog about it, so i didn't need to retype it again and again, so here, once and for all.

they happened to contact me after i posted this on fb:

what i learnt firsthand today:
1. never give up. you don't know if you just need to give it a little bit more.
2. keep moving. no matter how paralyzed you are. a step might result in a leap.
3. get the eff up. you've gotta fall to rock bottom once in a while too.
4. do it your way. everybody's got their own style and yours will take you there.
5. have hope always. even when depressed. you're not a loser until you lose faith. 

we know these things. but we don't understand it until we experience it ourselves :)

flashback to sem 2 result. even before i got the result i was already stressed out. i was stressed out as soon as i was done with maths papers. i knew how bad i did and how much i did not do. i was depressed throughout the sem break, knowing that luck couldn't save me this time. even worse when the result was out. i knew i had it coming but for it to be confirmed was just a whole new feeling. i almost got kicked out. i almost had to start over. can you imagine what would happen to us? scholars who did not pass the 12 cut off point. even when you're one short. even when you aced everything else but sucked at one subject.

but prayers were said and meetings were held and deals were made, we got another chance. it's crazy when your future depends on just one thing and that thing happens to be what you hate. i took a supplementary paper and my math improved one grade. it was so close that one careless mistake could have cost it. so close that it was a miracle indeed. i got a second chance. i still sucked at math, but at least i was safe. many were not. some had to make a new deal and stay with a price or choose to leave, some just had no choice but leave. stumbled halfway along the journey we started together to a dream we shared at the start.

but i didn't feel safe, i started to question the journey, doubting my dream. the first half of sem 3 i was just lost. i literally thought i made a mistake. by going to intec. everybody seemed so smart and then there's me. what made me feel shittier was my course. my lifelong dream course was my first choice but not theirs. some of them couldn't take what they wanted or didn't know what to take so they took social science instead. it's like their accidental decision, or a back up plan. because they couldn't see themselves taking pure science like they did in high school, or couldn't carry the subjects. but me? i dig pure science. i did well. i could have taken medic if i wanted to, i might not be able to carry it with the commitment and discipline and sacrifices i must make, but the point is i could have gone to medic school. yet, here i am, because it's my FIRST CHOICE. and yet, there i was, lost. and they were doing so much better than me when i at least had to be on the same level. is it possible to be stupider and slower? social science subjects are just not me. they are different than what i was used to. i did not know how to study. i could not accept the differences. i felt so helpless. i went out of class whenever i couldn't take it which was often, or just sat with tears in my eyes while everyone around me was busy digesting what i had troubles swallowing. i broke down at the stupidest things like when my friend said his girlfriend was smart and good at maths and i felt stupid and i just went out and cried alone stupidly. i spent days staring at the whiteboard and nights staring at the sky.

i questioned everything. did i make the right choice? is this what i'm supposed to do? should i have listened to my mom instead? should i leave when this was what i wanted? should i stay when this isn't working out? how was it easy to get 10 A's when it's hard to get even 1 A now? is this an obstacle or a sign?


do you know what it feels like when you've got what you wanted and worked for for 11 freaking years and suddenly you feel like quitting? it's stupid to quit. not when i was so close to getting it. so i didn't.

i have to share this because this is based on a true story. here is my wall of shame after years of walk of fame:

first sem i got 13. ABB. my only and always A was of course the only subject i like, psychology.
second sem i got 11. ABD. D for maths. i got another chance which changed it to C and gave me 12.
the day i checked my third sem result, i couldn't believe my eyes.....
i got 14! AAB. B for maths! and the first time i got A for economics! 

welcome to a-level. the advance level of education so deep that even 3 A's aren't easy to reach. the deepest level of hell. maybe because i hate maths and only tolerate economics. but in high school i also only tolerated everything and it wasn't a problem. so it's true that social science is harder than pure science, at least to me. maybe it's just me, or not. it has been known how it's common for seniors to get below 10 in internal exams but get more than 12 in the external exam. i hope that's the case for me too.


as for this case, alhamdulillah.... i know i got lucky, maybe the question papers weren't that hard and the format made it seem easy and the marking schemes were in our favour. it didn't make me comfortable to get 14, but it sure was a huge relief. it was nothing compared to the real a-level exam, but it motivates me to try and get 15. just because i got 14 now it doesn't mean i can even get 14 this sem, but it restored my faith in myself. it didn't prove my capability, but i proved the possibility. i don't let achievements get to me. other people's achievements don't bring me down, my achievements don't fly me high. but i know i need to work on not letting my failures get to me instead, like it did.


i knew i did better, but i never thought i would get 14. all i did was study for a couple of hours a few days earlier. all i did was study during the study week i wasted two sems before. the study week wasn't even spent the way it should be spent but at least a couple of hours a day were spent studying. i just gave it a lil bit more, and i got more. that tells me what i am capable of if i just study from the start this last sem and oh i hope i do. besides that, i adapted myself. i'm getting used to how to study social science subjects. and in high schools i didn't do past year papers because i didn't like studying using past year papers. apparently in a-level that is all that matters, so i stopped being stubborn and in sem 3 i started studying that way. but i believe i improved also because i studied the way i used to study. in sem 2 i studied with people because people be like you should study in groups if you don't it's your lost it's the best and whatever well guess what? not everyone studies the same way and not every mind works the same way!

it was my fault to change my study method. to hell with what people say! every individual is unique, you can't expect everyone to be made for the same goddamned tips. my advice is you're old enough to know what's best for you, so do what's best for you not what people tell you to, even if it's how you should study or eat or sleep or live. just because i study on my own it doesn't make me want to succeed alone. don't call me selfish just because i self-study. that's what i've been doing my whole life, since i didn't really focus in school and never went to tuition class and didn't have a tutor so i ended up figuring things out all by myself. i was a daily school student for 11 years and i wasn't used to studying in groups. i can study with people and help my friends if i actually know what i'm learning and teaching them about. and that is when i have studied it myself.

do it your way. you know what to do and how to do it, so now do it more to get more.


i almost gave up. but i didn't. and i got more than i could hope for.

so, yes. getting 14 was the inspiration behind that fb status of mine :)

2014 is the year.
this is it.


what i want is what keeps me going. what do i want now?

i want to go to somewhere new. i want to meet new people. people who don't have anything to do with my hometown or my college, because the world is awfully small. i want to explore the world and travel to places. i want to leave everything and everyone behind. i'll never want to leave mama but i've been wanting to leave since as far as i can remember. i want to go to a place where nobody knows me, but i will get to know them. i am free. i am not chained to anything or anyone anymore. it is strange to no longer be chained. but a good kind of strange. the kind which makes you free. free to find other reasons to be happy.

but of course, i will always be chained to home :)

if there's such a thing as alternate luck, i sure hope 2014 is a lucky year for me, just as how 2012 was.

2013 was not a good year for me. Sem 3 was not a good sem for me. But i sure hope sem 4 will be better. I so wish 2014 will be my best year.

I want to be happy.

Many have left and will leave Malaysia for US, Canada, Australia, leaving most of us the last to leave for UK. May all of us make it, amin.

Please pray for us, ok? :)

The Last Love & Misadventure Adventure, MEETING LANG LEAV HERSELF

OK WHAT EVEN AM I WHAT EVEN IS KERETAPI i even procrastinate doing what i like i even procrastinate blogging about things i like like this one time when i freakiNG MET LANG LEAV

that's like, one month and 10 days ago. what. i can't even. whatever. ok i'm blogging about it now.

although, i must say, even though i have a lot of things to blog, i have another way to let it out, which is by talking to someone. when i talk to that person, as in type, it's like blogging in itself. we don't chat, we converse. long paragraphs you wouldn't wanna read em. it also happens that the things i'm thinking to put up here are the same things which are brought up in our conversations. coincidental conversations. so what i've been keeping in my mind flows out when it happens, which is often. that's why i can get by without blogging these days. but that doesn't mean i'm abandoning my blog. don crey ketapi pls don. i typ u ok.

so, that day. before i talk about that day, let me tell you about the day before that day. in fact, days. those were not some good days. i was upset about some things. the fact that everyone had left for home because exam just ended didn't help either. it's not that i felt alone. it just made me want to go home as well, but i couldn't, for reasons stated in a previous post. but in a way it did help me because at least i didn't have to pretend nothing's wrong, go outside the house and sit at my favourite spot to let my heart out. i did that just inside my own room, and in that moment i actually felt at home. 

i was not okay with everything and everyone but i wanted to go meet Lang anyway but i didn't have a plan so i wasn't really sure of going because i didn't feel like going with everything else i was feeling. but i knew i had to go. i would really regret it and blame myself if i didn't, just for the reason that i wasn't in the mood. 

so the next day i woke up. i looked at the hour. i looked around my room. and i realized i really needed to get the hell out of here. so i did. i knew i wouldn't want to return after i had accomplished my mission. so in my handbag i packed my er... one or two necessities. but that's basically it. i left. my steps felt light, as did my heart. i really had no idea what i would do and where else i would go, but that's the best part. after all, i was on my way to Love & Misadventure, wasn't i? better live up to the name!

to Kinokuniya, KLCC i went.

but that's not just it. when i arrived at the ktm station, i just bought my ticket and the train was coming. i ran passed people and squeezed in between the crowd, but then i saw them. two intec dudes. oh my god. dah kenapa korang tak balik kampung lagi?! what's awkward about meeting people you know is when you don't actually know them. you know each other's name, might have exchanged a couple of words on the internet and made eye contact in real life, but you don't know them to the point of "hey! kau buat pe kat sini? nak gi mana?" that's why i hoped they didn't see me when i was all alone. i hid behind people. when the train arrived i got into the lady zone, feeling relieved. i hoped we're not going to the same place.

i arrived at kl sentral, and just when i was about to buy lrt token, i saw those dudes again. oh my god. i hid behind a pillar. i sneaked a peak. dang, they're still in the line. i wasn't gonna waste my time hiding from them, i had someone to meet at 2 pm! and i had to have lunch at burger king first too! so i got in a line far enough from them, facing the other way. 

in the lrt, i guessed maybe they were going to some place else. there are many places young people would go, right? i should worry no more.

so i arrived! i walked like a woman with a purpose, a lady led by a cause, and.... a fangirl on a mission.

i went straight to kino. i arrived about an hour early. i asked the service counter where's Love & Misadventure, and she pointed it right next to her. there!!! i grabbed one copy with a big grin and asked her again, isn't there a booksigni- she answered straightaway, it's upstairs and i could go now. so i did. but there was already a line! i got in the line quickly. i had to queue for an hour eh? so be it!

but then... of course. a test in the mission. adam, my classmate since i was in third grade up to senior year in high school, the one who was my 'husband' for our school magazine class photoshoot, he suddenly asked me if i was at klcc. when he knew that i was there for the book signing, he asked me to get another copy for his sister and he would come to get it from me. woa wat r u serius? i was in the line! people were lining up behind me! someone idk, a chinese lady who worked at the bookstore or for the publisher or as the event planner idk she looked busy and in charge and moving around, she walked passed me and i asked her "excuse me are there other copies up here or do i have to go down or-" she answered "uh oh yes over there, em don't worry i stand in for you" then she stepped in, taking my place in the line omg so nice ok thanks i went over there and uuuu there's a whole rack of Love & Misadventure!!! nobody had to worry about it being sold out anytime soon! i thanked her a million times. people just smiled lol.

then after a while the line became this. multiple lines.

i guess everything does happen for a reason. it just takes a while for us to know what the reason is. in this case, the reason was this: to get her signature, you must present your proof of payment first. had i bought it earlier, or someone else bought it for me or give it to me, or the stock lasted the first time i went on my Love & Misadventure journey, i'm sure i would have lost the resit. hence no signature. no Lang to meet. no picture. that's also what bugged me that day. i came alone. who's gonna take my picture for me? could i take a selfie with lang, no? i sad.

i look at those fans who came with their friends, or their boyfriends. usually their friends were fans as well, and their boyfriends were only there to accompany them and capture the moment. one chinese couple in front of me, the girlfriend told her boyfriend how and when to take the pictures. then another chinese couple heard them, they started to have a chat and the boyfriend of the latter couple said to that of the former "just keep clicking, you can't go wrong if you keep taking pictures." i couldn't help but laughed. that's so true. good for you girl to have such a boyfriend who knows the business, haha. then they kept chatting about lang and her poetry. meanwhile, i was looking for anyone who seemed approachable so i could ask their favour, to take my picture. eh mestiii. 

so i asked a chinese lady beside me hehe. notice i purposely matched my attire with the book cover?

talking about being a true fan!

it was such an experience going to a book signing. it was my first time :) to be in a place, standing and queuing and waiting with all these fans, it felt good. i felt like i was a part of something. you know what you love has maaaaaaany fans all around the world, and you certainly are not alone, and you certainly can share your love with them on the internet, but you don't really feel it until you really be there together in the real world. like the time when i went to watch the last harry potter movie on the local premier day, i was alone but i didn't feel alone because the whole cinema was true fans on their own scale for having booked and bought the earliest tickets, cried and clapped together when the movie ended, and when the credit rolled a group waved their phones like wands and yelled "MISCHIEF MANAGED!", something so sentimental and sad to us.

that was kind of what it was like at the book signing. everyone was so excited, they talked to each other. some of them came together, some did not, but they talked anyway. around me were people with companies so i couldn't really chat my excitement away. i heard people talking about uploading their picture on tumblr and lang would reblog them. i heard people talking about how they were so nervous to meet her. people saying where is she, asking is she here? i even saw someone from the internet world! 

i knew that was her but she was with her friends and we're separated by people so i couldn't go to her. i forget how we met, well virtually, but i guess it started from blogging world. or was it tumblr first? i don't remember. one way or another, led to the other. but i was the one who reached out to her because i saw how much of a potterhead she was, and i don't normally reach out to strangers alright. we once commented on blog posts, chatted on tumblr, tweeted (yes i had twitter once upon a time) but then we both got busy. i got into college, she's in her final year in medic school. this year, lang posted about something on facebook. i left a comment, telling her to come to malaysia, and then i saw this akak's comment about the same thing. i sent her a private message telling her who i was, since i go by different names on blog and tumblr. she remembered me! she told me she tried searching for me on facebook using my blog email but couldn't find me. that's because i use different emails for facebook, blog, tumblr, and formal contact, *wink hehe. i met her on the internet because of harry potter (she's as much a fan as i am, and i don't say that a lot alright), and then i met her in the real world because of lang leav (well almost, after i had my book signed i searched for her but she was no longer there tsk.) it's amazing how literature can bring people together, eh?

after a while, lang leav's finally here!!! i was at the back of the crowd, the last person in my line, i didn't see her coming. suddenly she was there!! and i heard her voice! we were told to sit but being at the back had its privileges. i just stood and had the best view hehe. i snapped the pictures away and even recorded her reading her poems :)

the short poetry recital session was followed by question and answer session, and the book signing session started right after that. everybody got up and was pumped up, camera at the ready. andddd only then adam came. heh. i'm short and he's tall so it was kinda hard to locate each other. when we saw each other he told me he just wanted to stand outside the line. as my turn was approaching he came closer because i asked him to take my picture, haha. kira kosong-kosong la aku tolong kau kau tolong aku tol tak. but when it was my turn, the chinese lady who stood in for me while i went to take another copy for adam's sister was there and she acted like the important person she was so she ended up being the one taking my picture. adam just stood beside her laughing at how excited i was -..-

i wasn't that excited. seriously. the first thing i said when i came to her, with a calm, cool, collected manner, was "OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH" AND THEN I JUST SMILED THE WHOLE TIME WHILE TALKING TO HER SHE'S SO NICE AND I ACTUALLY SPENT TIME WITH HER LONGER THAN OTHER PEOPLE BECAUSE SHE LIKED TALKING TO ME.

..... ok it's because i had to ask her to sign two copies and she asked me things and i told her things and then she got confused so the chinese lady explained to her and also because we were given a paper earlier and i thought i was supposed to write what i wanted to write about the book or her but actually i was supposed to write what i wanted her to write for me. for example, i should have written something like "I LOVE YOU AMA YOU'RE THE BEST FAN, lang leav" but instead i wrote something like "I LOVE YOU LANG YOU'RE THE BEST ARTIST, ama" but of course what i wrote was sweeter, some lines which rhyme hehe. so when she saw the paper, she was confused again, and i had to explain then she thanked me for what i wrote and i asked her to keep the paper and just write anything in the book. then the chinese lady had to shout so everyone could hear her when she told them, again, the purpose of the paper, BUT WITH CLEARER INSTRUCTION. so that's how i got embarrassed in front of my beloved poet and all them people. which i wasn't! BECAUSE I SPENT TIME WITH HER LONGER THAN ANY OF YOU! HAH! i screamed inside as i left with a smile on my face. adam was still laughing -..-

SO HAPPY!

everything happens for a reason. after a couple of episodes of being upset because of Love & Misadventure, i finally got it. i finally bought it. with my own money. on my own journey. i not only bought it, but i got to meet the author, have her signed my copy of her masterpiece, take a picture with her, and even talked to her!

haaaappppyyyyy :)

no matter how gedik adam is and how melayan i am, it's all role plays only we're actually good decent shy people lol. plus i've seen him the nerdiest when we were 9 so there's nothing he can be embarrassed about anymore hahaha, what's a few pickup lines can do right? he's come a long way! we bring fun to the table yo!!!

so we just had to have a picture together! memories! i was so happy that day i could take pictures of everything!

after we took this one i said "kau la ni tinggi sangat" and yes big grandpa glasses are just his style

"weh girlfriend kau tau tak kau kat sini"

"tau. dia tau aku jumpa kau."

"kau bagitau diaa?"

"ye la"

"uuuuuu"

"mesti la bagitau"

"nak tengok girlfriend kau!"

"aku takde gambar dia"

"alaaa. takkan takde? 

"betul laaa"

"asal???"

after i learnt his reason, i realized adam still hasn't really changed after all heheh

"kau? mana boyfriend?"

"hah? aku mana ada boyfriend"

"yeee la tu"

"betul lah!"

"takkan takde?"

"kalau aku ada kau rasa dia biar je ke aku jalan sengsorang jejauh camni?"

"hahaha"

baru kau faham ye yang aku wanita berdikari! tak perlu lelaki! lulz

"kau nak buatpe pasni?"

"tah taktau. kau?"

"aku pun takde buat pape. balik kot. tapi kalau kau nak jenjalan aku temanla, kesian lak kau sengsorang."

"eh takpe balik je la! aku boleh la sengsorang lek jee."

"kau datang jejauh sengsorang ni sebab nak beli buku ni je la? sanggup eh"

"mestila sanggup! actually aku dah baca dah buku tu, siap save dalam laptop lagi hahaha"

"hok aloh"

"tapi aku nakla beli jugak, itu la yang kau tak fahammm"

"hmm so kau nak gi mana ni?"

"aku taktau, serius aku takde plan langsung. aku yolo gila ni."

"taknak makan ke apa ke? dah datang jejauh takkan nak balik terus"

"aku memang malas nak balik shah alam. aku rasa cam nak balik rumah or pegi upm jumpa hazirah"

"pergi camni je tak bawak pape?"

"yolo"

so we both headed to the lrt. we were talking and i was laughing about something when i saw them... the two intec dudes. i saw the first one, and then i looked at the second one next to him, who caught my eye, we made eye contact OMG WHAT DO I DO. SO I SMILED. HE WASN'T EVEN SMILING WHY DID I SMILE??? did he see who i was walking with? some guy?! wearing matching coloured cloths?! is this why she was alone before?! no wonder she's laughing like she's happy?! lol i was paranoid for a few minutes. they certainly didn't think any of that, they just saw hey that's ama and thought of nothing more. but still. what a perfect timing like we couldn't have bumped into each other some other time, OR NOT AT ALL.

adam wanted to buy Aunt Anne's, and he offered to belanja me! he insisted but i was still paranoid to have the appetite lol such a waste. so i just stood in the line with him. if i were going back home i would buy some for my mom, but i've made my decision about my destination. upon reaching the lrt adam asked me was i going back to shah alam, or home, or going to upm? i said upm. he asked if i ever went to upm before. i said no. he said pergh gila ah kau. i said baru la yolo. aku tak penah pun tetiba je nak pegi sini sana sesuka hati walaupun tak tau kat mana, first time ni. "aku tengah texting ngan hazirah ni tanya camne nak pegi sana sume haha." while waited for our lrt we talked, and then his came first. bye. i was alone again. this time, with Love & Misadventure in my hand :')

on my way hazirah was excited that i'm going to her place she didn't believe it and was even nervous! so cute. i bought her some chocolates as well because she wanted some chocolates, comfort food as she called it. and then i made it! i arrived at upm on my own for the first time just following directions and hopping from one public transport to another and finally i'm here!

yeah

when i arrived at her dorm college i was like where the hell am i... what if the cab dropped me at the wrong place. this is a hella big uni. just walking towards the dorm building is far enough. where on earth are you hazirah?! and then there she was, waving me from her room. the queen datang kau tak turun pun?! suruh aku naik sendiri?! amboi amboi amboi. she couldn't believe i was there right in front of her eyes. aww. for you i will. you couldn't come and accompany me at klcc so i came to accompany you instead! she's bored and alone, because she didn't have a roommate anymore so that meant...... we had all the room to ourselves! yeah pardaaaayyy!

parday pebendanya belum tengah malam dia dah tidur. sleepover apanya gini. i disappoint. i spent my time camwhoring in her room, taking selfies of me with her sleeping as the background hahaha. ye ye je kata boleh late night girl talk takpe dia tak tido awal walaupun esok ada kelas takpeee. konon. sape suruh petang tu heret aku round upm naik beskal?! kan dah penat! omg that evening. i told her i hated her. "I HATE YOUUU TAKNAK DATANG UPM DAH THIS IS THE FIRST AND THE LAST TIME" i said, short of breath. i'm not much of an athlete okaaay, so don't blame me. cycling up and down the hills in upm was killing meee. you should love me for who i am not change me to be like you! hahaha. mentang2 la dak upm, dah biasa naik beskal merata-rata. it's cool, but cruel. i would lose weight if i were to stay in upm. that's good. but with the amount of torture cycling offers, that's bad.

aku adela gak cycle kat shah alam (best gilos) tapi takdela sampai nak tercabut kaki rasa nak mati pffft.

ku tak sanggup lagi. lebih sanggup gemuk jika begini

(but adam said aku makin kurus! hahaha optical illusion at its best)

apa sesengih i hetchu

can you imagine how feminine i was? riding the bicycle dressing like that, wearing handbag. at some points i just hold the handle with one hand because my other hand was holding my bag, or i was lazy so i cycled in a "i'm here for the experience not the exercise, i'm here for breathing in cool air not gasping for air" way. 

dahla ada kejadian memalukan. we both were walking to tempat letak basikal, and i was talking about how long had it been since the last time i cycled on a road with many other vehicles not to mention buses and there are many buses in upm what if i got into an accident what if i fell... and at that moment, it happened.

"camne kalau kita jatuh-"

dan aku terjatuh. kemudian semuanya berlaku dengan pantas. aku terdiam sebab terkejut. did i really fall after talking about falling? hazirah pulak pandang belakang sebab tengok kenapa aku tetiba diam, eh mana ama? tengok-tengok aku dah terduduk kat lantai. aku pandang dia, dia pandang aku. pastu dua-dua gelak gegilaaaaaa. she just stood there and laughed. i just sat there and laughed. a woman in a car just stayed in the car and laughed. at me. she tried to look like she wasn't laughing. she failed. aku taknak bangun sebab maluuu pastu penat oh gelak lemah lutut nak bangun camni. we couldn't stop laughing. it was ridiculous. i fell after i mentioned the word fall? gelak sampai berair-air mata bunyi cam menangis. sakit sikitla sebab jatuh terduduk tapi sakit lagi perut gelak. tetiba dengar suara laki, tapak kaki mereka mendekati. terus aku bangun. bongok gila ahhh.

luckily no other moment of mulut masin happened. phewh.

after upm torturing tour ended, we went to a cafe. everyone was like wearing sport attire, t-shirt, sweat pants, sport shoes, riding bicycles, walking, jogging, that i couldn't help but ask "memang budak upm kuar petang exercise eh?" serious you'd just have to ask! nobody, i repeat nobody i saw wore like a blouse, or a skirt, or a dress, jeans, formal or hipster attire, or anything else. hazirah told me that's just normal, so how do people at intec dress? all possible ways to dress and all different senses of fashion, honey. cehhh puyus. dak dak upm semua sangatlah nature friendly and healthy kot, bagus bagus. minum jap lelepak, eusha, gegossip, cecer. pastu balik kolej kediaman di mana sesi visitor photoshoot diadakan sampai senja.

malam tu dah mandi pakai hazirah punya toiletries, basuh baju pakai hazirah punya sabun dan berus, sidai baju pastu pakai baju hazirah pula, ditinggalkan hazirah cos she's got a meeting. dak dak degree memang begini. namun begitu beliau prihatin akan kebajikanku. sibuk fikir aku nak makan apa semua, i felt so loved haha. i was touched :') after she left me with food only then she went out. mungkin sebab ada orang tanya "dah bagi ama makan ke belum?" hahaha macamla aku ni anak dia ke kucing dia ke apa, "bagi makan" lol. so while she was out i was alone. but i was really glad i came. it was not much, but it was a getaway i needed :')

got to tell her a few things, we talked about some things, take my mind off things, that's the best part.

i have camwhore complex. it's a disorder. i want my pictures to be taken but they end up ugly (actually it's me) so it's rather pointless to point a camera at me but i never give up. lulz. the one holding the camera is the one who gives up because i see the picture, i delete it, and i ask them to snap it again. haha

after many attempts i was disappointed and i told hazirah

"camne ni, awak yang kena jadi photographer kita kawen nanti! buatla kita nampak cantik!"

memember, so i expect a free service! kira wedding gift la. but then we agreed to hire a pro instead. because

"kita dah hire so keje photographer la untuk buat kita nampak cantik, bukan salah kita kalau gambar tak cantik!"

LOL. what if i hire a photographer but i look bad in the photographs, do i still have to pay? lolol

i'm better at taking pictures of myself than having people taking pictures of me so here some selfiesss

my face after facing a near death experience: exercising. that's why i looked like a corpse.

hazirah's face: pwedday as always. well, live up to the name la. she's the cuter half, but i'm the better half.

she's the one who called me her better half, i'm just honouring her opinion tqluvyuhaz HAHA

that morning i woke up, she was getting dressed for class. what am i gonna do while you're goneee? just sleep she said. so i kept on sleeping lulz. when i woke up again, her block was quiet and empty except for a couple of girls and makcik cleaners. upm made me felt so peaceful, as if i'm on a holiday trip, with the fresh air and the chirping birds and the greenery. aku jela yang peaceful pun, orang lain miserable kena gi class muahahah. i had the bathroom all to myself, and the bedroom all to myself, and i waited for hazirah to come back. she came back with lunch for me, such a mother she was, practicing maybe, then when she was out for her afternoon class i left with her as well, to go back to reality: intec. i wished i could stay for another day, she wanted me to stay too, so cute this mother, but i just had to leave.

thank you for your hospitality. tsk.

like i said, like a mother.

she even tweeted this picture of me leaving, and even one when i just arrived.

so happy to see me come and so sad to see me leave. oh mommy.

i returned to intec, feeling fine, and fresh. it was like i got better, or i became someone new. idk, but i like it. i've always wanted getaways and holidays, not for the fun itself, but for the escape it gives me. yet i've never felt like this. when all i did was visit hazirah at her university. but it was enough. maybe because i was alone on the journey, i felt free, i had liberty, i spent time with her, i surrounded myself with nature, i let things out, i let myself lost and i found myself again. i like that.

some people think it's crazy that i was willing to go to KLCC from shah alam, alone, just to meat Lang Leav. even crazier when i decided to go to serdang for the first time to have an unplanned sleepover with Hazirah. a misadventure for love. but sometimes in life, you've gotta have some Love & Misadventure. 

the feeling of finally getting what you want, the feeling of being found in a new place as you were lost in your own, the feeling of going with your gut.  

so worth it :)

They Say When You Learn From History, It Won't Repeat Itself

you know what. i actually have a lot to blog.

okay if you've been following this blog you'll know that i say that a lot, and still do that a lot. imagine a lubang air kat sinki. jika lubang itu tidak dihalang oleh pape objek, air mengalir dengan deras dan objek sekalipun boleh keluar ikut lubang sinki itu jika bersesuaian saiznya. namun begitu, kalau ada sisa makanan ke rambut ke apa segala sampah kat sinki tu berkumpul tidak kita keluarkan, bukan sahaja objek kecil dan halus tidak dapat menembusi lubang tersebut, malah air juga tidak lepas untuk lalu! semua akibat tersumbat. so what i'm trying to say is my mind is clogged. so i cannot blog. due to too much words accumulated in the sink. eh, in the mind. procrastination is the leftover food, laziness is the trash, and desire for perfection is the strands of hair, all stopping me from blogging. once i don't let my words out, it's as if they conspire against me and refuse to flow out of my head, making me all overwhelmed to the point of being numb. and when i'm numb, i don't blog.

but now, a strong flow of water is forcing all the junks out anyway and i'm writing. my words are coming.

okay. i'm in a state which i have things to regret. so many. it makes me run away from people, escape from reality, hide from the future. but i know i have to face them anyway. and i dread it.

because of my regrets, i am also not looking forward to returning to college in less than two weeks.

at the end of the second semester and when the third semester was about to start, i was not looking forward to going back because of academic reasons. i was kind of depressed.

at the end of the third semester and when the fourth semester is about to start, i am not looking forward to going back because of... other reasons. i am kind of nervous.

other reasons known as people factors. this is when i really need support and this is also when i feel like i don't have any. i have lost my support system, like it's my bones before which held me strong, but then it broke and i fell to the ground. 

the third semester was when i felt all alone in a way and it really took its toll on me; the bench in the darkness outside my house is my witness. the first half of it i spent being stressed about academics to the point of giving up, the second half i spent being sad about people to the point of not giving a shit. when i was okay with one thing, another one came in the way. one after another. i was in a dark place and i seemed to not have a way out, there was no light. out and into a cave again. having issues with people i know doesn't help when i'm having issues with people i don't know, lol. i never asked for this. i would rather have a boring life than a bothered life. now that i come to think of it, i realized my first semester at intec was the only peaceful period i've ever had. i was hoping for the same this last upcoming semester, but seeing what has been happening, haha nope. the last thing an a-level senior needs is the climax of a drama and the lack of support.

really? now tell me how does that lesson i learnt from the past mess up with my present 

i would never do something that was done to me. i would never be that which i am called as. even if i didn't have it happening to me, i still wouldn't do such a thing for the reason that i can think better. and i'm better than that.

as of tonight, i'm feeling so much regret. something has been happening in this last year of college which reminds me of something else which happened in my last year of high school, except at that time i had strong support from my friends, oh god how i miss them so much i could cry. and except at that time the roles were reversed, but the drama is same ol', same ol'. i don't want to have yet another bad misunderstood reputation but for a different reason this time. the similarity in the situation and the difference of my position made me think, tonight, that maybe... i was wrong. what happened in high school, maybe i was the wrong one. and now it's karma, or something, or the universe teaching me or giving me a detention, that i'm seeing the scene from another angle. i don't know. it's just, after what happened tonight, i suddenly feel like i want to talk to somebody whom i never want to talk to again about what happened two years ago. or maybe, this is in a way to soothe myself... to prove that this is not a punishment, but merely a coincidence. 

i was the victim then, but now i'm the criminal?

i want to ask that person about the truth. i've asked for it, two years ago, too many times, but this time, just for once, tell me the truth. i don't want anything out of it, or out of the person, i just want the truth. that maybe what's happening to me now, was what happened to us. maybe i was just too disabled to believe, difficult to trust, that i denied the truth. now, the truth coming from me, is denied. because i did it to someone once, and now i get to feel what i've done. or maybe not. i don't know, so i need to know.

i still remember all the bitter truths told to me, and all the bitter proofs shown to me, i still remember. 

but tonight i feel like i just have to ask.
or i just need to talk about it with someone who knows.

maybe i won't feel like that tomorrow.

after all, anything anyone ever feels, changes.

The Perks of Being A Wallflower

I never wanted to watch The Perks of Being a Wallflower for one and one reason only: I had not read the book yet. if i watch a movie based on a novel first without reading the novel, i would never read the novel. it will just ruin the experience because movie adaptations always ruin the original masterpiece. besides that, the same thought about The Faults In Our Stars lingered too, and a bit of "it's too mainstream" stopped me. but what if it's too mainstream just because of the movie? what if it's too mainstream because it's actually good? what if the book is really good? what if i'm missing out on something worth knowing?

so, i read the book.

and man, man. i finished it in one day. and watched the movie the next day. and man, man. i cried watching it more than i should have, i had tears during scenes which aren't even that sad, but i guess that's because i've read it first, and i know the story better than it conveys, i've dived deeper into the pages. books always give me more feelsss. i love the book, it's different. i might have fallen for the main character, too. what? i've had fictional crushes before. people have summer flings, well, i have those. lol.

i like The Perks more than i do The Faults. Sorry John Green. Your Augustus Waters and your quotes really took my breath away, but Stephen gave a soul to the book, which it gave to me. i guess i can relate better to Charlie.

i seriously do not want to say that i can relate to charlie, because it is already too mainstream. the world wants to claim they get charlie. everyone who reads and watches The Perks wants to take the tittle wallflower. i do not want to be yet another teenager who says "i'm a wallflower. i see things. i keep quiet about them. and i understand". seriously i don't want to be a cliche.

but i do. i do feel like charlie a bit. maybe not the lonely, weird, alone, socially awkward part, but the seeing, keeping quiet, and understanding part. the thinking part. i noticed this about myself since a long time ago.

i've always noticed things, but most of the times i shut up about it, because it's either a) it's silly to notice small things, b) it's creepy to think too much about things which do not even concern me, or c) it's not my place to talk about it, i don't have any right to say anything, and maybe it's just all in my little kid and teenager's head. so i keep quiet. and i understand. and sometimes, i hope i understand wrong.

maybe i am a bit wallflower weird in a way. 

i noticed that too darling, but i didn't know why until much later in the book :(

first off the book is simply written. It doesn't really use beautiful sentence structure or anything like that which will make you go wow at every turn of page, except for a few beautiful lines. it's simply written, in the voice of a boy, writing to a stranger. but as a whole, the story is beautifully written, and the characters are, too. it's real.

charlie is really something. seeing from his eye and thinking in his voice make me realize that this is the person i've always wanted to meet. someone who is so messed up even i'm not as messed up as him, but because we're messed up together on our own scale, we understand each other, we help each other, most importantly i want to help him, and he's so insightful and introspective, so genuinely nice and kind, so smart in his own way, and we can think and talk about what we see, keep quiet about, and understand.

i don't say this because everyone loves charlie now.
i say this because i l have always loved someone like charlie, before it was cool.

this is our first similarity i discovered. "WHY DIDN'T HE TALK TO ME I COULD HAVE BEEN THERE FOR HIM IF HE LET ME IN THEN WHAT WAS I ALL THIS TIME, A USELESS FRIEND?!" i would totally react like him if it were to happen to me, but maybe less dramatic and emotional? 

i couldn't understand why was he so temperamental... when he's not having a fit and acting like someone who needs medication to calm him down, he was a cry baby. i don't like cry baby boys. don't get me wrong, crying is masculine, crying shows you're strong, but not when you cry at everything all the time. not when you cry more than me, ahah. that's showing something. so i didn't understand at first, why was charlie like that. but man... the question was answered in time.

before we arrive at that time, i'm going to talk about suicide. suicide is selfish. that's it. i'm selfish for saying people can't end their own lives, yes, but they are selfish because all they think about are their lives, not the lives of others affected when theirs ended. but let that be for another post. don't say i don't understand the feeling of not wanting to live. but you don't decide that. don't take your own life. it's selfish.

sooo. charlie is so good at heart, it's moving. i can just read his thoughts and have tears in my eyes. he's just... so pure. he always wonders about people, and he always hopes they are happy.

“I walk around the school hallways and look at the people. I look at the teachers and wonder why they're here. If they like their jobs. Or us. And I wonder how smart they were when they were fifteen. Not in a mean way. In a curious way. It's like looking at all the students and wondering who's had their heart broken that day, and how they are able to cope with having three quizzes and a book report due on top of that. Or wondering who did the heart breaking. And wondering why.” 

believe me or not, i've wondered about these things too. exactly the same thing. about the teachers, the students, some strangers, someone i lay eyes on and never see again, but at that moment i think about them. i know everyone has their own stories, like i have mine. this happens more often when i indulge in mine, because i am aware that i'm thinking of my stories, so i guess other people might be thinking of theirs too. i wonder what that could be. i wonder about their lives, and hope they don't have some shitty lives, because i will feel sad about them, and i know they must be sadder than i am. i want people to be happy because everybody deserves to be happy. if they are not happy, they are gonna make other people have shitty lives too, and i don't want to be that other people, i don't want to be unhappy because they are unhappy.

this is totally true. you know when you have problem seeing other people, it's because you have problems.

this is totally true too. wow what an alliteration. i know Prophet Muhammad pbuh told us to look at those who are less fortunate when we feel down so we can look up to Allah and be more thankful, but like everything else he did, i'm sure it must be done with wisdom. i'm sick of people telling me that others have it worse when i feel i have something bad, so i won't say the same to other people. 

i know others have it worse. i know people in other third world countries, people in the slums in my country, and even some people in my neighbourhood have it worse. i know that, thanks. but don't let that fact cause you to overlook or even ignore the fact that this is what i have, this is what i know, so this is what i feel bad, worse, or the worst. i can only see that other people have it much worse, but i am not in their shoes to have it, i don't live in their skin to feel it. you don't too, do you? i'm sure that i'm more likely to be more empathetic than you are, hence more able to feel what they feel, but i still don't have it. i only feel what i have, and i only have that to compare to other feelings i feel. not anyone else's. even if they have it much worse.

so people, please, if you want to pull someone up, don't let themselves down anymore than they already are by telling them what they feel down about is nothing compared to what other people are down about. if i lived  a lucky, happy, luxurious life and i have everything and everyone i need and want, and i was down that my favourite tv show couple didn't end up together, don't tell me that what i felt was nothing. because that's the worst i ever felt in my life, that's only what i got to feel, that's a 10 on my sadness scale. instead, tell me that it's too bad, that if you were me you'd be sad. be there for me and listen to me. and then, tell me how there are actual couples in the world who are divorced, or how one of them died, or how the two of them were never even together even though they really loved each other. tell me that then. a moment after i felt better, or even a while later. that's wisdom.

i hope i won't be one of these unsympathetic morons who think the person is the one who's not being empathetic. if i ever was like them, forgive me please. that's just common sense. i'm sure nobody wants their sadness, disappointment, misery, depression, to be dismissed on the ground that "it's not bad enough", right?

i love charlie for having this common sense. but it's so sad, how other people in his world don't.

his favourite teacher who was also his friend told him this. my heart broke.

his crush who was with somebody else told him this. my heart broke.

this is one of the scenes i cried watching. i just really want people to care about charlie like he does for others okay! it's not fair that he really loves people around him and appreciates them but they don't! tsk. another sad factor is because of sam. sam's first kiss was when she was a kid, but with an older man. in other words, sexual assault. minor, but still. to have your first kiss out of force when you can't fight it. so sam wanted to make sure that the same thing wouldn't happen to charlie. because charlie was so naive and nice. it's so sad to think of it that way, that his first kiss might not have meaning because of how he was, and how other people were. charlie is a person who deserves the first kiss with someone who loves him.

the ever famous line. there are many versions of it made by fans, the best one is

"we take the naps we think we deserve"
straight to the heart, man, straight to the heart.

"maybe he didn't really encourage me to do things, but he didn't prevent me from doing them either. but after a while, i didn't do things because i didn't want him to think different about me. but the thing is, i wasn't being honest. so, why would i care whether or not he loved me when he didn't really even know me?"

amen, sam, amen

i like it how sam had a bad reputation which was known to people, and charlie had a bad experience which was not known to people. charlie felt if people knew how crazy he was, they wouldn't talk to him. sam felt like she didn't deserve anything good because she had faced bad things and done bad things herself. but to charlie, he didn't care about sam's past because he didn't want sam to care about his past either. they had different kinds of past, but because they both were trying to change to be better, they didn't care. i like it.

he would hate it if she judged him based on how he was like, so he won't judge her. and when sam felt like she finally did something right in her life by getting into college, like the past didn't matter anymore and the real world was out there, she finally got the breakaway ticket.. :')

"i just think it's bad when a boy looks at a girl and thinks that the way he sees the girl is better than the girl actually is."

for example, i see you as beautiful because i like you. only because of that. that's maybe sweet, but seriously?

charlie wants to be a writer! people who know him think he should be a writer too. hehe ;)

another point which makes me feel like i'm a bit like him is our desire to talk to a stranger about our lives. that's why this book is actually a series of his letters to someone who doesn't know him. that's why this blog was created in the first place. because we need to talk to somebody, or at least write it down.  the difference is charlie told everything to the stranger, and i don't really tell everything to this blog, because some of my readers are not strangers. when i was a kid, i always wanted to tell someone about my life, but i didn't want that person to know me. i want people to know my story, without knowing me. i don't want people i know to know what makes me emo. that's why sometimes this blog doesn't make sense, because i intentionally write in a way which doesn't make people understand. when they try to make sense of it, they tend to misunderstand. but writing even ambiguously knocks some sense into me. once i write things down, even if my heart is not at ease, it puts my mind at peace. because my mind is cluttered with words, and usually an empty mind means a free heart, even for a while.

i've felt like this too.

"i made aunt helen a promise to only cry about important things because i would hate to think that crying as much as i do would make crying for aunt helen less than it is."

Charlie's history

he's been to the doctor. yes, that doctor. the doctor for depression. psychologist, psychiatrist. at first, we didn't know why. we only knew that he's not like other people. he easily cries and when he gets upset or mad, his family knows it can't be good. charlie needs to be calmed down. breath, charlie, breath. people at his school didn't know he could be that bad, but once he was, they was dumbfounded. so yes, he was messed up, that we know. but why?

he had an aunt. but his aunt died. he loved his aunt so much, he said she was his favourite people in the world, even after she was gone. he remembered that she was the only one who hugged him. now, that's really sad. his aunt had issues, she was molested as a child, as adult she was abused by her boy friends, and she never could put her life together. charlie just seems to be really affected by his aunt. what happened?

"i walked up to my grandfather and gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. he wiped my lip print off with his palm and gave me a look. he doesn't like the boys in the family to touch him. but i'm very glad i did it anyway in case he dies. i never got to do that with my aunt helen"

that later we learned. charlie was born on christmas eve. so he usually got only one present for both occasions: birthday and christmas. his aunt died on chrismas eve. she was in a car accident. he remembered waiting for her to celebrate his birthday, but a police officer came instead, and his mom was crying. his aunt was dead? but that couldn't be. he only talked to her just a while ago. there must be a mistake, it was snowing badly out there, the police made a mistake because he couldn't see clearly. his mom left to identify the body. charlie was so sure that her aunt was still alive. until her mom came back, still crying. that's when he realized it was true; his favourite person in the world was dead. the next thing he knew, he was in a hospital. he couldn't remember anything else, like how badly he reacted after he accepted the truth.

but he also remembered, that before his aunt left, in the driveway before getting in the car, the last time he saw her, she whispered to him "i'm going to buy your birthday present."

yes, her aunt died because of him. it's either that which made him depress every christmas eve, or the sole reason that it's the anniversary of her death. on his birthday.

"that's the last time i ever saw her. i like to think my aunt helen would now have that good job she was studying for. i like to think she would have met  a good man. i like to think she would have lost the weight she always wanted to lose without dieting. despite everything my mom and doctor and dad have said to me about blame, i can't stop thinking what i know. and i know that my aunt helen would still be alive today if she just bought me one present like everybody else. she would be alive if i were born on a day that didn't snow. i would do anything to make this go away. i miss her terribly."

we thought that was all there was to charlie. we were wrong.

this is a coming-of-age story. it is about the transition from adolescence to adulthood. naturally there will be parts about what teenagers do when they feel like being adults. i wouldn't recommend it to anyone who is as innocent as charlie. so, the point is, charlie - after he was about to lose his innocence, which he didn't because he suddenly freaked out and cried for an unknown reason - dreamed of someone doing things to him. that someone was his aunt.

he later realized what happened when he was a little boy, and remembered what he forgot. i guess it's repression, that's what i learned in psychology. it means forgetting something to the point you don't even remember it ever happened, because your unconscious tells you so. because if your conscious is aware about it, it will be bad for you. because it was something bad. it's either that, or he actually didn't know what she was doing to him to register it happened, until he was reminded about it when he already understood what it was. that is why even when he was sixteen, his doctor always asked him about his childhood. he didn't understand why, he always recalled the same thing, and repeated the same thing. nothing new. little that he knew, the doctor was trying to make him remember what he forgot. psychology. hehe. k.

back to the point, that's so effed up.

this was when he discovered the truth :(

just imagine. you really love your aunt. your favourite person in the world. the only one who ever hugged you. the only one who bought you two presents; one for your birthday, another for christmas. when she died you were devastated, that you were diagnosed with depression. it never disappear even when you were a teenager. it shaped your personality, it affected your life. because she died on your birthday for buying your present. because you still love her so much even to this day. then you discover that all the time you spent with her when you were little, the time you loved because she let you stay up late, the time you got to spend with your favourite person, during all that time, she sexually abused you.

that's so effed up.


what would you do with the truth? what would your parents who were unsuspected do? what would your siblings who were untouched do? when someone all of you really love, did something so horrible to you?

write to me, charlie

after reading this page i hope with everything i could that it was not the last page. it would kill me if it was. not knowing what happened to charlie. it would be more real, but then the author would be cursed to death. luckily he could think better. so the next page, in the epilogue, we found out that charlie ended up staying in the hospital again. he finally figured out what's wrong with him.

but charlie got better. probably that was the closure he needed to get better. the most memorable moment in this story to me is probably when he still felt how much he loved his aunt helen for buying him two presents. he didn't blame her, he loved her all the same. and how he still addressed her "my aunt helen" because nothing really has changed, although everything actually has.

"it's like if i blamed my aunt helen, i would have to blame her dad for hitting her and the friend of the family who fooled around with her when she was little. and the person that fooled around with him. and god for not stopping all this and things that are much worse. and i did do that for a while, but then i just couldn't anymore. because it wasn't going anywhere. it wasn't the point."

charlie is such a beautiful character

book and movie ending.
just read what he wrote. charlie was indeed a beautiful character.

this story is a lot more than that, there are many other things worth noting. like his improved relationship with his sister because he always cared for her no matter whatever. like how his mom was always patient and nice to him when he had a fit and everyone gave up on him. like when his best friend, patrick, who was gay, was going through a hard time and he was always there for him, and when patrick kissed him because he wasn't thinking straight (pun!), charlie just let him, because charlie said that's what friends are for. and many other moments and little things.

this is a coming-of-age story seen from the eye of a teenager but told in a voice of an adult. i really love it. 

you are special even when you don't think you are, and that's okay if others don't think so too. what matters is you do. everyone has to live their own life and then share it with other people. it's not the question of living for other people or keeping to ourselves. care for others, but live for yourself. you can't be a wallflower forever, you have to do things, you have to participate, you have to bloom and grow. you love someone only when their happiness is more important than your own, but not doing anything about the person you love doesn't count as love. it's good to put things in perspective because there other other people who have it worse, but actually the only perspective is to really be there, because it's okay to feel things. even if others have it so much worse. you can blame other people for what happened to you, but the cycle of blame will never end, and you'll end up hating everyone, even god. you can decide what you will make happen instead. life doesn't stop where you want it to, people leave even when you don't want them to, but the moments will all be memories. so hold on to that while other things slip away with time. love people, appreciate them, care for them, and hope they are happy, so do things to make them happy. but make yourself happy too.

thank you charlie. for writing to me.