They Say When You Learn From History, It Won't Repeat Itself

you know what. i actually have a lot to blog.

okay if you've been following this blog you'll know that i say that a lot, and still do that a lot. imagine a lubang air kat sinki. jika lubang itu tidak dihalang oleh pape objek, air mengalir dengan deras dan objek sekalipun boleh keluar ikut lubang sinki itu jika bersesuaian saiznya. namun begitu, kalau ada sisa makanan ke rambut ke apa segala sampah kat sinki tu berkumpul tidak kita keluarkan, bukan sahaja objek kecil dan halus tidak dapat menembusi lubang tersebut, malah air juga tidak lepas untuk lalu! semua akibat tersumbat. so what i'm trying to say is my mind is clogged. so i cannot blog. due to too much words accumulated in the sink. eh, in the mind. procrastination is the leftover food, laziness is the trash, and desire for perfection is the strands of hair, all stopping me from blogging. once i don't let my words out, it's as if they conspire against me and refuse to flow out of my head, making me all overwhelmed to the point of being numb. and when i'm numb, i don't blog.

but now, a strong flow of water is forcing all the junks out anyway and i'm writing. my words are coming.

okay. i'm in a state which i have things to regret. so many. it makes me run away from people, escape from reality, hide from the future. but i know i have to face them anyway. and i dread it.

because of my regrets, i am also not looking forward to returning to college in less than two weeks.

at the end of the second semester and when the third semester was about to start, i was not looking forward to going back because of academic reasons. i was kind of depressed.

at the end of the third semester and when the fourth semester is about to start, i am not looking forward to going back because of... other reasons. i am kind of nervous.

other reasons known as people factors. this is when i really need support and this is also when i feel like i don't have any. i have lost my support system, like it's my bones before which held me strong, but then it broke and i fell to the ground. 

the third semester was when i felt all alone in a way and it really took its toll on me; the bench in the darkness outside my house is my witness. the first half of it i spent being stressed about academics to the point of giving up, the second half i spent being sad about people to the point of not giving a shit. when i was okay with one thing, another one came in the way. one after another. i was in a dark place and i seemed to not have a way out, there was no light. out and into a cave again. having issues with people i know doesn't help when i'm having issues with people i don't know, lol. i never asked for this. i would rather have a boring life than a bothered life. now that i come to think of it, i realized my first semester at intec was the only peaceful period i've ever had. i was hoping for the same this last upcoming semester, but seeing what has been happening, haha nope. the last thing an a-level senior needs is the climax of a drama and the lack of support.

really? now tell me how does that lesson i learnt from the past mess up with my present 

i would never do something that was done to me. i would never be that which i am called as. even if i didn't have it happening to me, i still wouldn't do such a thing for the reason that i can think better. and i'm better than that.

as of tonight, i'm feeling so much regret. something has been happening in this last year of college which reminds me of something else which happened in my last year of high school, except at that time i had strong support from my friends, oh god how i miss them so much i could cry. and except at that time the roles were reversed, but the drama is same ol', same ol'. i don't want to have yet another bad misunderstood reputation but for a different reason this time. the similarity in the situation and the difference of my position made me think, tonight, that maybe... i was wrong. what happened in high school, maybe i was the wrong one. and now it's karma, or something, or the universe teaching me or giving me a detention, that i'm seeing the scene from another angle. i don't know. it's just, after what happened tonight, i suddenly feel like i want to talk to somebody whom i never want to talk to again about what happened two years ago. or maybe, this is in a way to soothe myself... to prove that this is not a punishment, but merely a coincidence. 

i was the victim then, but now i'm the criminal?

i want to ask that person about the truth. i've asked for it, two years ago, too many times, but this time, just for once, tell me the truth. i don't want anything out of it, or out of the person, i just want the truth. that maybe what's happening to me now, was what happened to us. maybe i was just too disabled to believe, difficult to trust, that i denied the truth. now, the truth coming from me, is denied. because i did it to someone once, and now i get to feel what i've done. or maybe not. i don't know, so i need to know.

i still remember all the bitter truths told to me, and all the bitter proofs shown to me, i still remember. 

but tonight i feel like i just have to ask.
or i just need to talk about it with someone who knows.

maybe i won't feel like that tomorrow.

after all, anything anyone ever feels, changes.