MARA And I, It's Complicated

My story with MARA... it's complicated. at first i was heartbroken. i tried to move on and was happy again to settle with my second choice, asasi. i didn't tell anyone about it because i knew the list wasn't fully updated yet, since it was supposed to be released today.


for three days i kept coming back. every time i read MARA's apology, it hurts less than before because i began to accept the fact more and more.


yesterday, we called someone from MARA who was supposed to be my 'cable' but i refused to use her (why? keep on reading). according to her, yep, my name's not in the list at all. she said i couldn't even appeal because i was rejected straightaway and my name's not even in the waiting list. the feelings all came back and i didn't even try to hide it.


today, i braced myself. i got the perjanjian stamped (rugi kalau stamp padahal tak konfem masuk asasi), i had a medical check up, and shopped for the last time for things to bring along to puncak alam. but before that, i just found out that my code, LN0332, the result would only be released today. and i, despite telling myself not to, saw that ray of hope again. but it was the same old apology, nothing new.


i got bored and then i thought of doing something i first thought about when i found out i didn't get MARA. i wanted to check my friend's result, those who did get it. because who knew if it's the laptop or user id's fault? with all the different websites and passwords and cookies, my lappy might be crazy.


i remembered that i have a list of ic numbers of my classmates.

i typed one particular ic number of a friend who got MARA.

and guess what?


something weird just happened. i tried to check the result using my friend's ic num, cos i knew she got mara. but then it was my name. appeared on the screen. i reload the page but it's still my name with my course and the place and the date.

i tried again and again until the point when it's my friend's name again. i cleared my cache and cookies (if that has anything to do with it). i tried again. it's her name. but after several times, it's my name again.

and when i replaced her ic with mine in the url, sometimes it's my name, sometimes it's hers.

i mean... wut is this sorcery :O


after a while, my name didn't show up. only a blank page. i accepted that my theory (they have all our details already and if we got it, they'd publish it) was relevant and i accidentally saw my unpublished details when i played around with ic numbers.


when i almost gave up, i thought there's no harm in trying for the last time.

and there it was.

i tried again and again. this time, no apology, no blank page, no swapped details with Nad Fitri (hewhew). i called my bros to check it for me, and they got the same TAHNIAH!!! one of them called the supposed-to-be cable and she was surprised too. she said she didn't have any authority to know what happened to my application. as far as she was concerned, i didn't get it because my name's not under MARA. but none of us knew it's because my name's under JPA.


i will be sponsored by JPA. as far as we're concerned, it's a scholarship. but that's not confirmed yet.


i still can't believe it. i'm afraid to believe it. i want it but when i get it, i think i don't deserve it.

aku memang manusia macamtu. tak dapat, nak. dah dapat, rasa tak layak. tak dapat, nangis. dah dapat pun nangis jugak.


nangis kenapa? baca bawah ni. this is a post i made after i found out i didn't get MARA. after all those feelings, i found out i actually got it. but not MARA, not a loan. even better. i have more feelings than all the people who got MARA put together :'D


if you read it, you will know that i wasn't sure whether i would go to INTEC if i got it.

will i or will i not?


baca sampai habis baru tau. jangan skip sampai ending macam kau skip tengok finale tv show atau skip baca muka surat terakhir buku cerita. tak sopan betul main scroll scroll.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kids, this is a story of my MARA and me.

i was shopping for asasi (the only time i don't feel sad or homesick thinking about leaving) so i had no idea of what's happening in the internet world as i was in the real world (rare phenomenon, i know). when i was 'browsing' clothes at the speed of browsing the internet, i got a phone call.

nope, not Mara. it was a friend. i have developed a habit of not picking up calls. i can be laying on bed, forming butterfly shadows with my hands but if i don't feel like talking, i won't answer it. this time, this is the case. little did i know why he was calling me, not until i resumed my internet life.

some of my friends got it, congrats! i'm so proud of you guys  :")

it took me hours to find out mine, as for the first three hours i was on the wrong website, and the real website was jammed with young people with high hopes wanting to know their fate.

hence start the wall posts, messages, calls and everything from everyone asking me about it. friends, i was on FB and my phone was on all the time but i didn't know my result yet, so i didn't see why i should answer your question with "taktau lagi ah, sat naaa."

it was kind of stressing me out, i know you guys had good intentions. but just, chill. aku sebelah mak aku jap-jap reload page result pun lek je, mak aku taktau pun apa sedang berlaku dan terus fokus ke arah tv. aku memang macam tu, untuk benda macam ni, aku nak hadapi sengsorang. every result i got be it UPSR, PMR, boarding school offer, SPM, interview offer, i would want to handle it on my own, not with cheerleaders behind me or counselors besides me.

this is the funny part.

when i found out Mara result was out, the only thing i was thinking was

"oh ok... if i get it that means i won't have to leave this sunday, yeay!"

"i won't be bothered packing at the last minute like this! wehoo!"

"INTEC is so dekat dengan rumah angah, my second home, LOL OVERNIGHT EVERYDAY!"

with that mindset... how the hell am i going to live in another country? 

and "BUT I'M NOT GONNA BE ROOMMIES WITH HAJE THIS IS SO SAD WHAT IF MY UNKNOWN ROOMMIES GONNA BE SOMEONE BAD?"

"but Intec dekat dengan shopping malls and kedai makan unlike asasi which is so isolated macam mana nak cari makanan best? yeay!"

when people ask me "kalau dapat Mara tak pegilah Palam kan?"

my answer is "tengoklah camne nanti/hm maybe/nantilah fikir"

the awkward moment when i, i, i have to think about studying overseas first. I. 

do you know who I am?

i was the little girl who was 3 when i went to US and UK to visit my bros, watched them graduate, wearing robes and throwing their graduation hats while i peed in my skirt because i didn't tell anyone i wanted to go to toilet because i was shy with their friends and didn't want to ruin the moment which was captured in pictures with me grabbing my front trying to block my urine. the point is, since then, i was the little girl who wished to study overseas.

i was the little girl who always dreamt of watching the snow fell down to the ground through my window, i knew it was silly sebab Malaysia takde salji, and i knew it right then that one of the reasons why i wanted to study overseas was because i wanted to play with the snow, going to places my bros had gone to, taking pictures with the same backgrounds, the Eiffel Tower and everything when they went on Europe Trip, and all the more appropriate and mature reasons even you know.

i was the girl who tried to be active in koko since i was in standard 4, who knew i must get 5 A's in UPSR, when many kids didn't bother to do so because i wanted to collect certificates and be qualified to get myself into boarding schools. during orientation week at Serting i was asked why did i want to be in MRSM and holding the mic i said because i wanted to study overseas. even when i was no longer in MRSM, i participated in almost everything i knew i could do and tried to get straight A's in all freaking tests when nobody else gave a crap about it because i wanted to study abroad. 

i was still that girl last year. but this year, i lost her.

i began to think that i would be happy to study locally, as long as i study psychology. for the first time i wouldn't mind being in a local university, as long as i study what makes me happy. i was happy with the thought of studying psychology in UIA, it's the interest that matters, not the place. psychology changes who i was to be the new me, the old me was lost as another fantasy.

i began to think what if i can't survive elsewhere despite convincing myself that by the time i was 20, i would be ready. i could not help thinking of this one thing that partly made me leave Serting, wholly made me not wanting to go to boarding school again, made me need to stay here for as long as i can. i used to think that other people don't have to think about it, they are free to fly high, while i'll stay at the same old ground and never use my wings to shoot for the sky. i thought i was being selfless and making sacrifices. but actually this thing never pulls me back, i turn around on my own accord.

i began to think even if i get Mara, i still can do A-level and get a degree from a local university. when i found out some IPTA accept A-level, i knew maybe that's the path for me.

i think there are some points in life which define your maturity and priority. i think this is one of it - accepting that studying overseas is not everything. studying what you love, maybe is.

but now it seems like i won't have both. i didn't get to study psychology in UIA, and.....

i didn't get Mara.

why i didn't straight away tell you guys that i didn't get it is because i was not looking forward to seeing your reactions. it feels like i'm thinking more about what people would think than what i'm feeling. it's like not getting a boarding school offer all over again. this whole "ama dapat mane?", well, been there, done that. that bothered me when i didn't even want to go to asrama again to begin with. 

maybe it's the same case with Mara loan.

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?

what did i feel?

at first i was like.... what? and then i kept trying again and again but it was the same answer, the same sorry, and i went numb. so i was like, ok fine.

i didn't know what went wrong. 

i don't mind if i didn't get it because i didn't deserve it, but if they made a mistake, i just can't. i'm not gonna wonder what went wrong during the interview because i knew that's the best i could do (without being a dominant and trying to set a balance). what else do you want? it's never enough. i didn't get any asrama offer after PMR and i didn't get any scholarship offer after SPM. what else?

But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?

oh, maybe the fact that i had a 'cable' but i didn't use it because i believe everyone should play it fair and square, and that i didn't want a place granted to me by using the cable took someone's away, it's like stealing, you know?


Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things


i'm afraid it's not meant to be but with the help of the cable i got it and went against Allah's plan, it would backfire in cases such as failing studies, hating the subjects, feeling regret, breaking the loan and starting over when my peers have graduated or having troubles to adapt, major homesick and returning to Malaysia as a drop out. lol i think too much, but these things happen you know.


when you take the wrong path, something will happen to force you to follow the right track where your destiny will be.

i've had enough of that with MRSM already, so no risk for me. or so stupid of me, i can't tell.

but i constantly tell myself to stop questioning because i'm just not good enough as Allah's servant to get this one blessing, many even, so i should be thankful that i lost this one rather than other things i love. that shuts the hell out of me.

i just feel it all goes to waste. the feeling when i didn't get SBP/MRSM offer, it's the same. i wasn't sure if i was going to accept it but it didn't mean i didn't want it. to get a scholarship is like to be declared 'worth it' or something, but of course, that makes no sense as that's my emo mind talking.

i also feel how i'm always the one who's very happy and extremely excited when my friends get good results, get study offers, get happy sappy love stories and whatever all the time. i'm always proud of them. i guess it's not their time yet to be happy, excited and proud of me.

So I throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air,
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair!

it's the same case with Robin's infertility. you don't want to, but it's not fine to not being able to change your decision because you aren't able to. i know i had a lot of thinking to do if i got INTEC, but that's okay, because if i was done thinking, i would go with my instinct. at least i'd have a choice.

i still remember after SPM my bro took me to INTEC and showed me the place he once studied at before he went to US, and in my head and heart i was like "i want to go here. i should be here." ah, the feeling you had after SPM. the feeling of seeing the door wide opened, walking out of it and going places. the optimism. after a while, i see the road ahead of me becoming shorter and shorter.

to know i didn't get MARA, which is goodbye overseas and goodbye psychology, it hits me. what am i gonna do with my life? yes i have broader options but that's the problem, i don't wanna be confuse again. i wanna be where i was a few months ago; certain, Psychology, UIA, INTEC and nothing else.

Yeah, I’ll send out a wish, yeah, I’ll send up a prayer
And finally someone will see how much I care

i knew i tried enough for the last 11 years of my life, but i didn't pray enough for the past few months. i didn't pray about getting MARA, i didn't go all "oh Allah i must get MARA by all means i don't care if it's the wrong thing for me i. must. get. it." that's how i prayed for SPM result, that i must get it. but when it comes to making the right choice like the matters of getting boarding school, university and scholarship offer, i just hope that if i it's right for me, then grant it to me. if it's not, then don't.

as simple as that.

so i don't know if it's the power of my doa which sometimes crossed my mind or just the lack of doa which should be spoken at all time. maybe if i prayed harder, it wouldn't even make a difference because it's not my fate, or maybe i would have gotten the offer.

ugh this is the result when 2:216 gets into my head.

"But it is possible that you dislike a thing which is good for you, and that you love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knows, and you know not." 

i wonder if this is the best for me, of if i did less than i should to deserve the best.

all of these thoughts and feelings came after i was finally alone. before that, i had a pokerface on. i gave myself time to deal with reality, using the same advice i would never as a psychologist because i'll never be one, which is "crying is ok, let it all out now, and leave it here for good later".

i took a few minutes sobbing over my unfortunate event and the rest, sobbing while watching Glee. i watched 4 episodes up to the season finale. it's a coincidence that the episodes and my life had many similarities. so i just had a lot of feelings you know.

this time last year, this was so relevant in a different story. but now, it still is, in another.

i am always like Rachel in some ways. last year, i found myself being her in some situations and some people being other characters, it was as if Glee was role-playing my life (LOL). this year, it's about both of us who had always dreamt high. what we want, we get. we make it happen. but the dreams we've had for as long as we could remember perished into a disaster.

“Everything dies. Maybe the saddest of them all is the death of a dream.”
Rachel Berry

when i watched yesterday's episode, i didn't know my result yet but i had a feeling that i would face the same thing Rachel did.

"do i look different? i feel different. in some ways, it's a relief, to be a part of the crowd. my dreams are smaller now, maybe even more real. i can grieve it, and move on. so, i'm not gonna get everything i ever wanted, that doesn't make me a loser."

is it  a bad thing when i wished Rachel was never gonna get into NYADA because i would love to see her in my shoes, to see what she would do and then i can do the same thing?

but unlike Rachel who would do anything to get what she wants, i'm always wondering about destiny and worrying about taking the wrong path. to Rachel, going to NYADA and becoming a Broadway star is her destiny, her path. but to me, anything can be.

that's why when Rachel went to see the judge for her audition asking for another chance, i didn't go to meet UIA's dean to ask for mine or even use the cable to get MARA. when Rachel nailed the national and got accepted into NYADA, i bit my nail wishing i had the same courage and certainty.

Can I start again, with my fate shaken?




maybe i am more like Kurt in this case. Kurt didn't suck at the audition, but didn't get the place.

i woke up with puffy eyes (who wouldn't? Glee winning national, finally! an graduating! like whaaat?! and oh my life).

now i'm sober, i'm accepting the fact that i will be leaving home this Sunday for asasi. the excitement to be with my friends hit me again. i'm gonna be roommies with my besties, i'm gonna have a circle of good friends i already know and expand it by meeting new people, everything's gonna be okay.


after all, before INTEC wasn't asasi where i expected myself to be?

i thank Allah for giving me a chance to be with my old friends in a new place, at least if things go wrong, the people will still be right.


"There’s no way of knowing for sure where the safest place is. So the best you can hope for is to have some good company.” - Ted. 

it's gonna be just like SMKLK


i left MRSM feeling sad, and i didn't get any offer 3 years later with regret, but who knew SMKLK gave me memories i would treasure forever? with people i never thought i would be friends with but we ended up doing and sharing everything together, in the daily school which in my first year i didn't want to spend five years of my life at thinking it's ridiculous because i was destined to be in a boarding school, and leaving it with a result just as good as those from the schools i didn't get to go to.

when i was 12, i never thought i would end my high school years at SMKLK. but i did. when i was 17, i never thought i would start my tertiary education at asasi puncak alam, but i will.

Another turning point a fork stuck in the road 
Time grabs you by the wrist directs you where to go 
So make the best of this test and don't ask why 
It's not a question but a lesson learned in time 

It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right 
I hope you've had the time of your life 


- Green Day's Time Of Your Life

TOTALLY RELEVANT IN THE CASE OF KRK, AB FAMILY AND INSYAALLAH ASASI.



PALAM, here i come!

-----------------------------------------------------------------


will i still go to PALAM now?


well, three days ago i knew how it felt to not get it. today, i know how it feels to get it.


maybe Allah purposely let me taste my disappointment so when i have the chance to get what i want, i know what to do.


and what i will do is.... i'm going to INTEC.


Insyaallah.


Ya Allah, if this chance given to me is a blessing granted, then lead my heart to it. but if it's a distraction, then take me away from it. show me the best choice and guide me to the right path. if INTEC is not the best for me, then fix my heart to go to Asasi. i know nothing while You know best, and You're The God who's All-Knowing. Amin.




Alhamdulillah, that's all i can say.




kids, like i said before,

sometimes, what we want will come to us the moment we stop hoping.