I Blow Us All A Bubble Of Goodluck

Do you know how it feels to have people expecting you are the best?

not hoping, not wishing. but EXPECTING. expect as they already know what will they know in the future, but hoping is wanting to know what they want.

AND i am expected to get the best result, big deal.

Today i woke up thinking "wow. about 24 hours to tomorrow!" and that's it. i dont know why the hell i haven't had the panic attack yet. it's such a mystery of the world.

usually when it comes to exam result, i am the most troubled person ever. i keep thinking the worst, i keep assuming the exact mark i would get, but it all turns out to be just fine. so fine that when i come to think about it, this relax and calm state of mind i'm having is creepy.

if then i used to hyperventilate madly, but marks i got were relieving, now i'm afraid it would be otherwise. i'm scared that i'm not scared. i forgot how it was waiting for UPSR result, so it doesnt do any help. if with UPSR i was as calm as i am know, maybe that shows luck, eh?

to be fair i'm not unworried at all, i do have times when i think what if i screw up? and then a voice in my head replies peacefully "so be it". and then i would move on. never do i recently have trouble sleeping or eating like a tensed person would have, what more thinking yesterday i made macaroni cheese and bread pudding all alone, and later today i will bake a chocolate cake.

i only fear i would oversleep tomorrow and after waking up, surprised to have received a text message from friends saying "kenapa tak pergi amek result?? kemaluan besar beb. yelah tak dpt 8A". NAUZUBILLAH NAUZUBILLAH NAUZUBILLAH.

and i think i am more worried about next week will be the last holiday week before the sem starts, which i will return to a school famous with boyanism. hey dont get me wrong, i love SMKLK, i love my exclassmates (EX? sad sad), but if only the boyans are out of sight, things would be heavenly. i want to stay at home, and it seems only SMKLK is the answer for me.

but it breaks my nerves thinking how next year i will have to mingle with people not my type namely Boyan (not the boyan in blood but the BOYAN IN HEART). no more the safety of isolated Rancangan Khas Class, and the group of girls with whom i always have recess with in the library, not being overnerdy students, but only avoiding the crowded canteen filled with boyans.

trust me if you were me, you wont be at ease seeing how they eat, how they hang around, how they talk, the language, the manner, the unstoppable tentacles the boys have, gross. I DO NOT THINK I AM A BETTER GIRL, but a human gotta live with some prejudice, so that is mine.

now about PMR, i dont know. i hope i can be panicked like i always was, but get good results in the end. but this time, i just dont feel anything. the worry comes but before i can feel more, it leaves. it is weird, i dont like this. it is as though my unconscious self knows what the ending is, so it is preparing my conscious self, me, to accept it with an open heart. i dont feel good.

by now they already print the slips, have them stored and ready for tomorrow, and by now my name in the candidate list is already accompanied by my result. whether it would join the straight As group or not, is beyond my knowledge, but within my intuition.

i dont like the feeling of being calm, but knowing it isn't about to end greatly.

but untill then, i will just have to keep praying and hope that by any mean, they will, even mistakenly i dont give a damn, make me a straight A student. Amin. but if i'm not, i wish i can get through this.

GOODLUCK ALL CANDIDATES! may Allah be with us always, no matter what tomorrow is gonna be like. we've done our best, and should anything bad happens, force ourselves to think that everything happens for a subtle silver linings, even how it kills us painfully.