Healthy Lifestyle, Not Healthy Phase!!!

i'm gonna blog about this as a reminder for myself in the future.

ama, the next time you're gonna make bad decisions with permanent, if not stubborn consequences, read this.

skip the diet. just eat healthy. you don't have to watch what you eat, just eat moderately. occasional pampering is okay.

working out is not a challenge or a phase. it's a routine. don't ever stop. be consistent even if the easiest step is all you can do.

because i have lost almost 10 kilos and i wouldn't want to get back to where i started. after i arrived in UK, i gained weight. they say it happens. once you go overseas, you'll gain weight. 5 kg. they were right. the so called period of adjustment, when it's really just a period of eat everything new! so i didn't really care, especially because i was in sheffield. i don't have to look decent on daily basis lol since i literally don't see anybody in my class. even when i did see people it's not like i wanted to impress them. i don't have friends who'd bitch about me gaining weight here since all my friends were new people. and most of all, i knew if people really care about me, they'd embrace me all the same. in the literal sense, would i not be more cuddly? 

the thoughts "so what?", "to hell with it!", and "i'm loved and lovable even when i'm chubby (lol)" comforted me. so i ate more comfort food, haha.

then the needle hit that number. man. i weighted just like i did when i was 14. it had been years since i was this heavy. and... flabby. thick and fat. this couldn't go on, it had to change.

so i made changes. and i see changes now.

some people might say i didn't have to change a thing; i was not that fat, i was only chubby, they thought i still looked pretty, when all i was was pretty chubby to me. Yeah it's not that bad, but before it got worse it gotta stop, right? I was on this heavenly and healthy diet where i didn't have to starve myself and i could eat as much as i wanted; the catch is some food are forbidden. Don't eat the forbidden food at all. Eat everything else which is allowed in generous amount. And you can drop a few pounds just like that in a week!

Some people didn't see the point of me going on diet. some even said they didn't see the effects of my new eating and exercising habit! but i don't mind. heck, i take that as a compliment. but i did mind my body. because i could see. i could see it was changing to be what i didn't like it to be. and now i can see, how different it looks and i like it. you don't see it? lol it's not for you anyway.

no amount of "you look just fine" with more compliments i didn't deserve could make me feel okay. thank you, but i'm sorry. if i don't look okay to me, it's not okay. even though it's already enough for everyone else, or somebody that matters. i see what you don't see. but of course, the kind words help to comfort, even if it doesn't convince me. hew hew. it's not that i wasn't thankful. i was. but you can't say at least i'm not obese. that'd be too late, i was already borderline overweight. i was only comparing myself to the me who was less chubby. if you say i should be thankful with how God had created me, then hell yeah i am! that is why i must take care of his creation! God did not create me loaded with fat and diseases. that was not how i was designed. He created me perfect and healthy. hence i must be.

but with regrets i announce no amount of cut down food consumption, cardio exercises or weight workout could shed off these perfectly healthy cheeks of mine. maybe they are a blessing. maybe, they are an asset. you'll never know. hik hok.

this is not mine i googled it. but it's true. i want to feel good and look good! :3

but yeah, i did this not for anybody else. for nobody but me. i need to feel good about myself. as much as i liked to eat, i also liked to be fit. i'd like to look decent. i'd like to be satisfied with how i dress, and comfortable in my clothes. i'd want to be confident with the way i carry myself. i wanted to not lose my breath when i walked uphill to my department building. i wanted to walk around and everywhere feeling light and easy. i needed stamina, not struggle. on top of everything, i needed to be healthy. i didn't feel healthy. i didn't know for sure, but i for one knew i had been healthier.

you can be young and you can eat everything, but don't think when you're old, that everything won't come back to get you. you don't even have to be old to be sick. remember that. i have family history of diseases, so i do give a dang about what i eat, not only how i look like.

i was that type of person who didn't consume much sugar, except in cooking and for occasions. i wasn't one to eat cookies or biscuits or chocolates or cakes or ice cream or anything of that sort frequently; i didn't have sweet tooth. i wouldn't know what to buy from sweet things aisle because i simply didn't consume sugary stuff. i didn't drink much air manis atau air gas either; my fav was good ol' plain water. you can never have too much plain water! and oh yes, green tea without sugar. the satisfaction of feeling healthy from the bitter tea. I ate in appropriate portion and basically limited my junk-non-real-food. now i'm becoming that person again, with new healthy habits. no regret, only feel good.

i know that's not much of a healthy lifestyle, but that's something. compared to nothing. nothing was what i did in UK at first, which by contextual definition was eat everything!!!

i know some people can eat everything and not gain a single pound. well lucky you. i'm just not that person. and i'm not the only one. so don't go around saying "urgh, you don't eat it? too bad. i eat everything nom nom." that's so insensitive of you when people have to make efforts for things you oh so effortlessly are. now imagine a genius giving you that look when you're studying and say "why would you even study? look at me, i don't even bother and still smart as ever." and imagine me saying "you have to spend a lot on skincare and cosmetics? what a waste! my skin doesn't need all that at all." that's being a prick isn't it? now you know.

some people are lucky in some ways. different people different luck and struggles. so shut up when you're lucky, and suck it up when you're not :)

now i'm sucking it up, and telling myself that this is not a phase, this is not a process, this is a routine, this is ongoing. this is a lifestyle. i have no intention to go on diet again. so i must not eat carelessly now and think i will lose what i gain later. i will not lose weight anymore because i will not gain anymore weight. i just have to eat in moderation, do my work out routine and be consistent.

and honestly, i like how i look post work out session. so radiant. kah kah kah. 

bye.

p/s: ok actually i also lost weight because i knew i would gain it back once i'm back in malaysia. people be preparing for summer body so they can flaunt it but i'm preparing for holiday body so i won't be fatter, just fat. ikr, genius.

You Can't Unlove Your Mother

once upon a time, i was afraid of falling for someone so hard for fear of having another love like my love for my mother.

still am. but i know that is inevitable. i knew. still, i wished for no such love. love for mama? i had no choice. i was born into her arms, i was born to love her, i was born loved and loving. but love for another? why would i do that to myself? i wouldn't put myself through that. that, to quote somebody, would be the most elaborated form of self-destruction.

because i know that love will one day put me in so much pain, one way or the other. when you love someone too much you have to remind yourself that anything you love more than God will be the reason for your worst pain. is that good or bad?

i can cry just thinking about it. i did a few days ago. to love to that point, man ain't that intense.

i know when i love someone else like that, i'm screwed big time.

for mama, i didn't have i choice. i can't unlove my mom. i couldn't love her less. so i have to learn to love God more. before He teaches me a lesson - the lesson. i don't love much, but i love hard. i don't know if i could love anybody half as much as i love her, but even that would be enough to tear my heart in two. i don't know how to love two parents; babah left so early for me to find out. that's how i have come to love only mama and mama only. that's why this one love is everything to me.

i make it a point to let mama know i love her every chance i get. because another fear of mine is not telling people i love that i love them enough. or not having the chance to tell them at all.

two times you're reminded that you only have Allah:

1. when you feel so alone although you're surrounded by many, that only you can take care of yourself because you have to.

2. when you don't feel alone at all, but your loved ones are so faraway you can only hope for Him to take care of them for you.

the first one i felt about a year ago, the second one now. two very different feelings in two very different places. Alhamdulillah. had i not gone through the former, i might not be here to experience the later. you can't have it all baby. but this is already so much more than i ever deserve.

and i owe it all to you mama. i do.

What's Down, Ama

Hai. weird isn't it when i don't blog now, because i should have many things to blog about, being overseas and all. i'm sorry bloggy :(

it makes me sad thinking that i don't write anymore. i don't even blog like i used to. it makes me sadder to think that i might never write like i wanted to. what happened to that passionate, inspired girl? i kind of lost all the passions and inspirations i once had. for everything. somebody help me. but i know nobody has to. they can't. i can, but i can't. what happened to the dreamer? i feel like a loser on daily basis.

i feel like i slowly wither away. all of what i could have been, wilted and swept by the wind.

oh, to write about that and how i am bothered by it, would be such a good start. but i have a psychology literature review due in a few days and i haven't started doing it. have been doing research to put off doing the actual work. talk about not being passionate and inspired. do you know how much trouble i'd be in if i were to put it off any longer? 

hence i shall not.

baibai.

What a feeling

Don wanna talk about it.

Cos when talking about it doesn't help me feel any better, it makes me feel worse instead. That's bad because people want to help and you wish they could too, but sometimes they cant. It will only let you and me and everybody down.

Talking about it also makes me feel stupid. And vulnerable. And ridiculous. And typical. Which is just as bad. I blame biological factors. It's getting worse lately. Pls dont blame me.

So im gonna ignore it in front of people and not indulge in it with anyone else knowing. Build glass walls and halfway bridges. You can see but you cant come in. You can come closer but not too close.

It will pass. Im gonna be ok.

Why am i here

Oh i hate myself so much right now. I know it is a petty complain. I know i'm to be blamed. I know it's all up to me. Yet i'm still so down under. I can't bring myself up. I can't get my shit together.

I break down - it goes for both crying and not functioning. It's like i lost all the motivations i've ever had. I'm so ashamed of myself. I'm embarrassed with other people. It's actually that simple therefore i'm the biggest loser in the world. Only i can help myself and i can't, then nobody else can.

Where the hell did that girl go?

Flying Off #3: Flying Off, Finally

Dah 6 bulan lebih dah aku kat uk. ada eloknya kalau aku sambung cerita pasal fly tu. hahahaha.

so we've reached the climax! the day itself!

the day was, hectic. hectic. hectic. done? yeah, hectic. i spent my last morning till afternoon in malaysia, not at home. but out and about. settled some last minute business. bought some things. met and called some people. then upon parking my car for the last time, feeling both sad and grateful, i said goodbye. see you in one year time. be good. i love you. don't let ateh sell you. scream in case of danger.

once i was finally at home i had to do final packing. yes, i'd been procrastinating. but it wasn't totally my fault! i did start early with the shopping..... hehehe. and a few days earlier i'd already started packing..... it was the finalizing on the day itself and cramming stuffs to every possible centimeter which made it really stressful :'( it was not my fault there were too many things to bring. i was moving to another country for god's sake. i had to dump most of them anyway. the bags were heavy as hell i had no idea how i'd handle it alone :'( serabut tau :'(

there was a friend of babah who wanted to see me. she was kinda his best friend and she likes to tell me about mama and babah's love story. i felt so sorry for her. i feel so sad now thinking about it. she asked me to go to her house, but i had my hands full, and honestly i couldn't be bothered. i felt bad but i wished she would understand i couldn't see her that day. i was so, so, sorry but i just couldn't. my mom and brothers kept telling me about it but i really didn't want to go because i didn't have enough time! she couldn't come on her own because her husband who always drove her around had died not even a year ago and her children were busy :""(

so she came to my house with a cab T____T she's old T_T i felt like such a bad person. still do T_T she brought food and fruits and cookies T_T she cooked babah's favourite lauk for me and this ungrateful girl can't even remember what it was. i think it was masak lemak telur itik. she said babah nurul suka ni T_T i only had a little of it because i was eating my mom's chicken rice rushingly T_T i couldn't even eat my mom's own cooking with my mom for the last time T___T and i didn't even eat the fruits which might have been langsat and the cookies which might have been tart nenas T__T she said i could eat the fruits when i was at the airport and i could bring the cookies to uk but i had not much time at the airport and no empty space in the bags T_T i'm so sorry auntie T_T i'll remember your advice on not giving hope to guys lol and your story about your niece because some guys are psychos T_T i hope i'll see you this raya. i wouldn't even mind if you sembang lama and cium me banyak kali this time T_T guise, i'm seriously sad guise.

bukan hanya beliau yang datang ke rumah waktu genting begini. mungkin orang ingat aku dah siap packing tinggal bergolek goyang kaki je kot. kalau aku la, aku mesti call tanya dulu, tengah tunggang langgang ke tenang tu. kami nak datang babai ni. tu kalau aku laaa, tapi ni orang lain.

masa tu aku nak makan pastu mandi. aku turun, rilek dengan towel di bahu dan tiada tudung di kepala. dah sampai bawah... ADA SEPUPU LAKI. terus lari naik atas. terus mandi je. ADA ORANG KOT NAMPAK AKU TENGAH TURUN, DAH KENAPA TAK BERSUARA CAKAP ADA TETAMU?! NI YG AKU NAK MENGAMUK KAN. gua dah la stress, lapar, sedih. niat nak makan tergendala. mana la tak emo berganda-ganda.

dah habis emo diam-diam, terus bersiap lah head to toe. turunlah aku dengan senyuman :) minta maaf sebab sibuk, takde masa nak diluang bersama. sesusah je datang, terima kasih. ye baik, aku jaga diri. doakanla tak lupa daratan ke apa. hm ye, ye.

memang kejap je pun jumpa dorang, pastu dorang balik. kawan babah tu ada lagi, kesian sebab takde sape nak ambik dia balik kot omg sambung nangis T_T sibukla dia dok cedok lauk dia tu bagi aku rasa masa aku makan nasi ayam mak aku. ma, ma taknak duduk makan dengan ayu ke T_T mama tak makan pun, mama duduk teman jap je T_T pastu auntie pun balik. tenang seminit. siap makan. terus bertolak. babai.

babai sayang, awak tak ikut hantar ayu. rindu comel gemuk kebal tebal ni. suka senyum sesaje. mengada tau. awak tak ingat ayu dah. awak dah besar. pasni jumpa air liur mesti dah busuk.

dalam kete, aku duduk belakang dengan mama. diam je. diam sebab nangis hahah. bersyukur pergi airport dengan uda bukan abang lain yg bawak anak bini sama. kalau tak celah mana aku nak nyorok nanges ni. taktaula uda sedar tak paham tak pehal diam je kat belakang tu. takde teresak-esak sroih sroih pun. menangis yg air mata mengalir tak benti, mama je saksi. peluk la puas-puas, pegang tangan taknak lepas. masa tu baru rasa, sebab takde distraction pape. just me in the car, on the way to the new destination. just me, the reality and feelings. 

nak fly dah?

nak tinggalkan rumah? tinggalkan malaysia? tinggalkan mama?

paling lama pernah tinggalkan? lama gila takkan jumpa?

Allah tolong jagakan...

dah sampai airport, kabut balik. hilang dah sedih. takpe puas dah nangis tadi. kita sambung rasa cuak kalau beg ni terlebih berat dan padat, lalu aktiviti memunggah keluar barang diteruskan. sampai je, terus keluarkan barang dalam beg besar yg nak check in, dalam kete gak kat depan pintu tu lol. lepas beg besar dah check in, rombak semula beg-beg kecik cabin dalam airport. ha bilanya aku nak lek. pastu abang-abang aku yang lain pun sampai lambat. biasa dah.

sedih jugak, sebab tak dapat nikmati saat terakhir elok-elok. mama mesti stress tengok aku stress. serius aku dapat rilek bila dah lepas solat maghrib. masa tu beg semua settle akhirnya. tinggal aku je nak settle ni, sob.

masa aku tengah kabut-kabut tadi, ada kawan yang call la yang message la. aku tak sempat nak layan, jadi aku tak layan hahaha. tapi si hazirah ni, sibuk message awak kat mana awak kat mana. dah la tak datang hantar aku, tanya lagi buatpe?! kat airport la! yang aku tau nak datang hantar aku sorang je. omar dengan kamil memula kata nak datang, pastu cakap tak jadi. tapi tetiba omar ke kamil tah message cakap farabi tanya aku katne. dah kenapa kau yg tanyakan untuk dia?

aku takde hal kalau orang tak datang. selama ni aku bayangkan bila aku fly aku memang taknak sesapa ada. gua tak touching orang tak hantar la apa la. lagi bagus takde korang tengok aku emo hahah. hantar ni semua bukan apa-apa. takpe. i know yall love me anyway. hahakz.

(ok la ada sekali touching. sebab hajer tak datang, pastu orang yang nak datang tu kengkonon taktau jadi datang ke tak. saje memain dia ni. kau bebetul la, kalau tak datang cakap tak datang. biar aku dah terima awal2 kau takkan ada. macam hazirah. walaupun taknak dorang berdua ada pun, malam masa mengemas tu takleh elak dari rasa sobsob sikit)

masa tu pun aku tengah on the phone lagi, mana la nak reply orang message bagai. hidup aku kan drama sikit, jadi baiklah aku call sedara yang macam ada touching dengan aku hahaha. lepas tu, tetiba hazirah call. dia tanya awak kat mana, awak, awak, awak kat mana???

kat airport la!

dia tanya yela, dalam airport katne?!

sumpah pelik, tapi layankan jela. kat belakang sekali ada pentas, kat situla kat depan tu. tetiba je dengar orang jerit "amaaa!!" pusing je nampak haz dengan wani berlari tercungap-cungap. aku pun jerit aaaaaahhhh pastu peluk gelak-gelak hahhahha.

korang ni gila la!

memang seprais! tak sangkaaa. masa haz message tanya siap call lagi beriya bunyi kabut sikit, aku tak syak pape langsung. tetiba je ada depan mata. dorang cakap dari jauh dorang nampak budak tudung putih cakap kat fon dari belakang, dorang tau tu aku :")

faham tak perasaan kena seprais when you least expect it?!

yang sampai dulu farabi dengan omar, pastu baru bebudak perempuan ni. muar pun ada, muar kawan mrsm hazirah, tapi dah jadi kawan kepada semua kawan sekolah hazirah haha. kamil datang bawak girlfriend. ni kes takut orang fikir lain ke apa. sebab masa dia cakap nak hantar aku dekat whatsapp kelas, dak laki dah ejek-ejek dah lol. u guise pls move on. aku ada terfikir tah-tah sebab tu dia tak jadi hantar hahaha and omar pun cakap tak jadi datang. last-last dorang sume ada :')

with haz and wani, and my puffy eyes from crying in the car.

the last time i saw wani before that was two days earlier. she came over to my house to give me a farewell gift: a grey top. it's just so me! the style, the colour and even the size. as though she purposely bought one which would be suitable for uk weather. thick cotton and high neckline hehe. at that time, she said it wasn't gonna be the last time she saw me :')

muka berjaya buat seprais

of course i believed she wasn't gonna come because she couldn't. we'd said our goodbyes, even though it wasn't grand. we were never much of a suwit suwit pair of best friends anyway. sometimes only. we show it in our own ways haha. so you're not gonna send me off like other people's best friends? too bad, but alright then. later on haz told me no way she was gonna miss it. sebab lepas pergi uk, dalam wishlist dia ialah hantar aku pergi uk. awww. dahla sebelum tu siap insta gambar kitorang dengan caption "there must be a way". she found her way :')

omar, kamil and farabi. dak laki yang aku jarang sembang tapi suka kawan bila jumpa.

sebab dak laki lain macam.... hahah k. dorang ni aku tak kisah datang beraya siap habiskan kuih raya kat rumah pun. memang buat macam rumah sendiri ye, pandai bawak diri cari balang lebih yang tersimpan rapi...

jumpa jap je lepas dorang sampai, pastu kena naik atas pentas berkumpul. lama jugak, hazirah siap message apa aku buat atas tu hahah. dengar briefing, dapat pins pakai kat blazer (supaya orang tau kami students from malaysia under jpa. ada priviligenya k, macam longgar sikit security and takyah beratur lelama), baca doa. lepas turun pentas, ada beberapa minit je dengan keluarga dan sahabat handai.

selfie2, peluk2, babai. aku cam rushing jugakla. salam pun takde fefeeling. last sekali peluk dengan mama lama cium banyak kali, tapi takde nak babak air mata ayat drama ke apa. aku cam ok babai semua ha dia panggil dah kena gi sana kbyeee. lol. but seriously.

masa aku pergi beratur nak turun tu pun, kengkawan je ikut. family stay depan pentas at the same spot sebab nanti boleh tengok dari atas kot. kengkawan pun tak ikut sampai hujung, tetiba je dorang dah takde. and i was all alone. with people in tears and red faces. aku je krik krik. tenang. sempat lagi tanya orang belakang "awak ok?"

pastu turun.

masa kat escalator dah nampak di kejauhan keluargaku melambai dan memanggil :')

dah sampai bawah baru nampak kengkawan yang terlindung sikit :')

masa tu la baru nak kenal kengkawan baru hahah. serius, aku kira fly solo ni. ada yang aku kenal, tapi kenal nama je. ada baru kenal kat btn. ada gak baru kenal masa kat bawah tu. kenal muka je selama ni tapi masa tu baru tanya nama. the three of us sticked together throughout our journey to sheffield. to a new faraway land with new friends. kitorang ni geng takde geng lol and we acknowledged and embraced it! balik mesia nanti pun sesama hahah. ok tak sabar sob sob.

kitorang paling ramai. 60 orang fly serentak satu malam. memang meriah sangat airport malam tu. 

that's my family up there

orang atas semua memanggil-manggil nama, jerit, lambai. dah kata, airport malam tu bukan je meriah, tapi panas and bising! :')

then it's time to go.

that's me second at the front

so that's that. the last time i saw my family and my friends. i waved at my family to the last glimpse because they were near the last place we walked to before we completely disappeared from view.

dah duduk dalam flight, barula boleh bukak fon. baca semua pesanan. bukak hadiah. dan nangis. ha baru tau sedih. sedih baca apa orang tulis. sedih fikir apa yang kita tinggalkan. sedih terharu, sedih sayang, sedih sedih. sedih semualah. masa flight dah gelap sebab dah nak naik tu, lagila makin mencurah air mata aku. ni lagi sekali nangis yang diam takde bunyi langsung, tapi air mata mengalir tak benti. terutama masa tengah naik tu. nampak muka orang-orang yang aku sayang. yang takkan jumpa untuk beberapa lama. ingat mama. doa, doa, doa. cakap dekat diri sendiri dalam hati. cakap dekat Allah.

"this is it. this is the time you've been waiting for. for years. after everything. this is it. you're flying."

teringat segala benda yang jadi dalam hidup ni, untuk sampai ke detik tu.

aku duduk sebelah dua orang putih. nasib baik. takdela budak-budak lain nampak aku camne masa tu. takde la orang nak tenangkanla usap-usapla. no. biar sahaja aku sendiriii

i was glad i didn't cry saying goodbye. i expected myself to cry. but i didn't, because i had cried earlier, and then cried later, and i guess i was just too busy with the surrounding - taking pictures and talking, even after i was not busy with bags anymore - so i didn't get to focus on the situation. i was so cool in front of everyone. i'd like people to remember me that way. but at the same time know that i care :)

the card came with wani's top, and the rest in melah's survival kit for me

 hazirah knew i needed this, k. and hazirah knew i'd love everything pink!

and another surprise. i opened the box before boarding the plane. but read the note on the plane. hence the feelings. cis. pandai ek first attempt. surprise because this was the second farewell gift! the first one consisted of food and topup hahaha

all that and these three were what i brought with me to uk.

of course, i brought along those i love with me in my heart. it feels a bit heavy to leave, but it makes my heart big. and happy, even when i'm faraway and alone :)

C1!!!

Thanks korang sbb buat seprais tetiba datang :") you came to say goodbye to me but i'm sorry if i didn't say it properly :'( ada yang sedih katanya sebab lepas ama turun ama tak pandang pun. i'm really sorry, i didn't know what to do with you guys up there so i just waved and left... i wish we had better goodbyes. but trust me i reaaally appreciate it. terharu gila k jejauh datang, ada yang pepetang naik public transport, drive meredah kesesakan lalu lintas sume sampai ponteng kelas pun ada hm :")

Enam bulan yg lepas, stress sbb macam2 hal. Patutnya hari terakhir kat tanah air terchenta nak la tenang sikit. Tapi bagusla, sibuk sampai tak sempat nak sedih. Kat airport pun kabut dgn bag. Lepas settle semuanya, tak terasa lagi sbb family mmg ramai, tetiba kawan2 pun ada. Sibuk berpeluk bergambar pulak. Terima kasih jadi sweet surprise pleasant distraction gitu, walaupun memula aku ckp takyah datang kat sesapa :') 

It was a day i've probably daydreamt about since forever. Still seems surreal that i'm here. There were the stage, the students all in the same attire. Just like i imagined. But it was better, because it happened. Alhamdulillah. What did i feel when i was down there looking up at all the people above - the family and friends of 60 of us, calling, waving, cheering? I felt relieved. I'm not sure what exactly being happy is, but i wasn't sad. A good kind of sad, at least. 

At the end of it, there was a round of applause. It's a feeling i will never forget. The journey just began, but it felt like a pat on the back. 

So dream, because you can do it :)

p/s: yes i've lost a few pounds since i arrived. that was a fatter than usual me. not looking my best but that's alright, i did feel my best :'D

Ok dah tau dah kenapa emo sangat semalam

#gurlz #sothatwasnotme #notreally