Ok dah tau dah kenapa emo sangat semalam

#gurlz #sothatwasnotme #notreally

Homesick in Sheffield

Dah kenapa tetiba homesick ni...

Tetiba sangat tau. First time. Ingatkan dapatla kata at least setengah tahun di perantauan tanpa homesick. Tapi tak kesampaian. Pernah jugak sekali terindu tapi tak sampai macam ni, mungkin sebab tak berkesempatan nak layan perasaan. Orang hepi kat airport, dalam flight nak gi turkey, masa tu la aku nak rindu mama. Mama suka jenjalan kat airport tengok apa ada. Kalau naik flight dengan mama mesti best. Ah sudah, terpaksa tahan terkebil-kebil.

Sebab tu la malas rindu-rindu ni. Payah. Biasanya takde perasaan je. Memang default mode aku dekat uk: tak rasa pape. Tengok orang lain rindu la homesick la apa la, aku macam... Lek je. Sekali tak lek, camni terus.

Sedih tak pepasal malam ni. Takde hujan takde ribut. Sedih sangat kenapa tah, haih. Puncanya tetiba je teringat dulu selalu drama dekat rumah. Lepas tu terkenang la pulak mama je yang ada untuk aku. Tempat menangis, tempat bergantung. Tempat mengadu. Ha pastu habis ah. Sampai sekarang tak reda lagi ni. Fiuuu fiuuu.

Mama jela satu-satunya yang pernah tengok aku seteruk-teruknya. Aku yang sedih dan menyedihkan. Mama takleh buat apa-apa, mungkin jugak taktau nak buat apa. Mama tak reti pujuk-pujuk ni. Mama kan bukan jenis berperasaan macam aku. Tapi ada dia je cukup, walaupun dia takleh ubah apa-apa. Dia duduk teman aku dalam bilik. Bila dia cakap sikit-sikit, tu pun dah rasa lebih dari cukup, tu pun rasa terubat sikit. "takpe...", "biar je"... Mana boleh takpe, takleh la biar, tapi sebab ada mama..... Ok T_T bila dia tepuk-tepuk, usap-usap, alihkan rambut, lap air mata tu lagi laaa T____T k kenapa aku buat diri sendiri camni ya Allah T_T

Rindu mama..... Masa call semalam dah rasa rindu semacam. Biasa call sembang je takde pun rasa-rasa ni. I don't like this :(

Ni belum ada problem lagi... Kalau ada problem lagi la teruk homesick nanti macam zaman kegelapan kat intec dulu. Nauzubillah. I try to live as drama-free as possible, even if it means keeping a distance from people. Dulu boleh gak lari balik rumah. Sekarang ni cakap kat fon pun connection takde la line tak clear la.

Harap apa yang dikeluarkan ni tak masuk balik dalam kepala. Harap esok bila bangun, kembali menjadi tiada perasaan. Harap semua ok je.

Mama nanti ayu balik tau. Sementara ni, doa jelah. Allah je boleh jaga. Jauhnya... :'(

So Much For Maturity

I have the habit of keeping old memories. because i can't rely on my own memory storage, as it has been proven to be unreliable. i keep memories in term of physical evidence. for example: writings and images, among other things. i have vaguely named folders, sometimes using only alphabets.

and i have the habit of going back to old memories, such as tonight.

randomly, a folder titled "BT".

usually this habit evokes feelings of nostalgia, if it doesn't remind me of lessons i once learned from experiences. but tonight, it evokes guilt, and makes me realize of lessons i should learn from myself

i think this is the first time i saw something i hadn't seen before, and felt something i hadn't felt before - and it pointed at me. my fingers pointed at me. it was hard at first, but i then realized this is - a bit ironically as at the time of it happening i claimed to be the mature one - a point of maturity.

i was the mature one; i wanted direction when others wandered, i wanted purpose when others experimented, i wanted exclusivity when others - well, others did have it. but not me. "too young for commitment, too old for games." that was me. that wasn't him.

but tonight, i realized i wasn't really that mature after all! it takes more than being ready to commit to be in a relationship. i played a part as well of it not reaching that stage, and thank god it didn't. even then it was already too problematic - we just clashed on many levels despite having the connection for many years. i had my faults, just like him. although he had more. ok kidding hahahah (no). k sori.

he didn't want to talk - i bottled it up till i burst. he never answered when i asked - i assumed the worst. he was always confused - i was always frustrated. he didn't share my common sense - i shared a piece of my mind. he wanted to talk - i burst with harsh words. he couldn't change for me - i wouldn't wait for him. he said he can't be the type of guy i want - i said that's okay, don't change if i'm not worth it. he asked for time to change - i didn't dare giving. he was no longer worth of my trust - i no longer bothered trying. he wanted to try - i had tried enough. his heart was not set - mine was on fire. he didn't have devotion -  i didn't have patience.

pushing him away was the right thing to do but the way i did it was not. the worst were the words i said with disdain. that was not mature. i even felt i could be the one who's wrong. it actually made me sad reading what came out from my own mouth and imagining how it must have made him felt so bad :( it wasn't always that way, but still, saying things like he didn't care and all. i didn't curse, but i was harsh. the way i handled his immaturity proved mine. we were immature in different ways. we both weren't ready. i can pretty much justify everything i did as listed above, but not my harsh words.

bila baca balik, macam "alahai tak matangnya kau."

i was 17, and now i'm 21. 4 years of changes and i hope, of growing up.

maturity is not about how you are generally. it's about how you're mad or sad as hell but still able to keep your cool; for your, their, and heaven's sake, haha. maturity is not hurting people back when they hurt you. i know that now. i didn't know that 4 years ago.

i'm sorry for being immature. whatever you did, it didn't give me the right to be it.

Silly Rules, Boundaries, and Principles

Topik tengah malam kita pada hari ini ialah... what a lame girl with silly rules i am, a.k.a. ama tapape.

i've long known how i have a set of rules i myself deem silly at times, but when people point out to you how you're obviously a girl with boundaries (hazirah, 2015) and even a girl with principles (shafiqah, 2011), it is a bit woah moment lah kan.

if you hadn't said it, i wouldn't have noticed lol. i know i have silly rules, boundaries and principles, but i don't think i'm a girl with that all. but actually i am. and when other people can see that too, you hella are, gurl.

i thought at least people who knew this were my best friend, and um, those who have had to deal with my silly rules, boundaries and principles. but apparently, it might have come across to the larger circle as well. and i honestly don't know where the circumference or radius are. because shockingly, somebody who confessed about me on INTEC Confession mentioned something about me having boundaries too, loooooooool. of course i can't really laugh it off, because i don't know who it was. but still. i thought it wasn't obvious!

"you obviously are," said hazirah.

i think shafiqah was referring to the more general tapapeness of mine, while hazirah was referring to the more specific ones. for example, involving guy friends, and where or when it is concerned, boyfriend- um, future husband. even with family. that one she pointed out, and only then i remember how not a family girl i am. but i'm a mama's girl. so i think it's still healthy. hahahaha.

hazirah said i'm too cautious, even with those i don't have to be cautious with. hmm maybe. yes i am. for reasons i'm not even sure valid or relevant. hopefully not all that nonsensical. i'm not sure for how long i can keep this forte, but i'm gonna keep it as long as i can. "but that's boring," she added. I know. But i'm doing it for the future. And the future won't be boring. Hehe.

hazirah said that i do a lot of thinking before doing something, and asked if i ever "oh screw it, let's do it." i have been that person, especially just about a year ago, and that got me in troubles. but i must admit, a decision i made in that yolo phase was worth it. that was a phase when i felt both frustrated and freed, that i became another person. it wasn't really... me. i miss that freedom, but now i admit it was also out of frustration. i'm back to being me. what to do, overthinker by nature.

hazirah said (yes this post is dedicated to what hazirah said about me tonight) don't i ever think of giving in to something i won't do (no matter how i want to do it if i'm in that yolo state of mind) just for the sake of giving my brain a break. then i don't have to think about it anymore, i'm done, i can chill. but ah, what i do or do not do, is to prevent further overthinking in the future. i might not mess up my mind for a while, but after that, the consequences will clutter my brain all the same (well unless i go full yolo, in which case i don't have to think about it ever again.)

i am going with it

hazirah said that she had second thoughts about me haha and she thought i was "cool to live by rules" and "smart to set limits", but i have to make sure that the subjects can keep up. so there's no misunderstanding. she also said i set boundaries so things i have already imagined wouldn't happen. that's the point! it might seem tapape, but i'm just prepared. i'm preparing myself for all possibilities. even the worst case scenarios, god forbids. it's not that i don't want it. but gurl gotta be realistic too.

hazirah even said... if one thinks i'm tapape, they will ditch me and my rules. but i think it's quite the opposite. i think they will bear with me and my rules, despite me being tapape. because it's all included in the package. you can't have ama without the tapapeness. such as hazirah herself. she doesn't ditch me. and she does think i am tapape. maybe that's because my boundaries and principles don't apply to her, hmm. oh who cares, i know they love me anyway, i hope they always will. I'm a lucky girl :')

so i just want to say sorry to anyone who has ever dealt with my silly rules, or who has to listen to me rambling or reading my blog post about it which doesn't make sense as usual - that's just me. please bear with it for a while :')

and i want to thank you for respecting and accepting it, even if you don't understand why.

maybe one day you will ;)

Because I Was Bitter and Now It Doesn't Matter

ctrl + click, click, click

19.9.2013

What i have learned is if you were once with somebody and it went wrong, you would want somebody new to find the right one. and then if you once felt something serious but it disappeared, you would want something new just to fool around.

once you have moved on from that one guy, you start noticing other guys. probably more than you should.

27.9.2013

Don't love people because of what they do for you and how the make you feel. love people for who they are and what you feel because of them. love their existence, not their action. maybe that's irrational, but maybe that's real.

11.11.2013

They say you're never gonna forget your first love. i know no first love, but i can say that's bullshit. i say, you will never forget your first heartbreak. it doesn't mean you can't move on from the person, it only means you can't let go of the reason. the feeling has long gone, but you still feel the heartache.

regardless of what i feel, i'm not gonna be the reason someone is hurt the way i was, i'm not gonna indulge in this guilty pleasure at the expense of somebody else's pain. yes i won't mind, i want fun, i won't cross the line. this is nothing, only two acquaintances connecting but the uncertainty of something with no label outbalances the treaty of what is official.

for the first time i don't care, because i know it won't hurt me. but this devil may care attitude might hurt somebody. just because my free heart doesn't have any feeling that doesn't mean i'm heartless to the point of hurting someone else's.

6.12.2013

Have you ever met someone whom when you get to know them better you realize it is more dangerous than you thought it was? for the reason that two of you are more alike than anyone else you have encountered? in opinions and experiences which make you think you have been on your own all these years?

1.2.2014

I don't take guys seriously. except under certain circumstances.

27.2.2014

Now i'm not rushing to find the one. i just want to meet new people and get to know them, and if i find him in the process, that makes life easier doesn't it?

7.3.2014

My friend said i need a man, not a guy. it's not that i need it but it's that mere guys don't deserve me. i need a guy who knows what to do with me.

my mom said as long as he's a good guy like babah, it's enough. enough? to get a guy that good enough is already too much!

13.3.2014

When you love someone you see something in them that others don't. ironically, it's why love is blind.

13.3.2014

Two things have changed.

1. I'm no longer a damsel in distress. i'm many years way passed that phase.

2. I don't want to complete anybody or clean up after somebody else's mess.

13.3.2014

Even if i found the perfect guy. he won't be perfect for me. because i'm not perfect. i don't want someone who's perfect to me. i need someone who's perfect for me.

a guy said, "i love her even when she's not that great, not that pretty." did you really have to say that? the fact that you said that alone shows that you care about it but for some ~divine~ reasons you still like that person? oh i don't know, maybe she's the only person left or the only one who ever pays attention to you, even if it's out of sympathy?

excuse me. saying you like someone but you don't know why despite them not being so great or pretty, that's idiotic love. that's not blind love. that's idiotic.

i'm not saying you should only look for someone great or pretty for your love to ever be considered valid. i'm saying that's selfish love. what i meant is you should see in someone something great or pretty about them that other people might not notice or bother that it exists. that's what you should love. even if the whole world don't bother.

if you're gonna say "oh i don't know what i love about you but i do." man, that's not romantic at all. that's idiotic. of course you have to love something about her. of course there's something to love. and yet, you don't know that and you say you love this person? pfft.

i'll tell these people to find someone they can say "you're great and pretty and i love you" to and leave the rest of us the heck alone.

it's better to see somebody as beautiful because you love them, than to love somebody because you think they are beautiful.

27.3.2014

I'd rather want a bad boy who is bold and loyal than a nice guy who is a coward or a player.

13.4.2014

Just because it's the perfect love story or the perfect friendship doesn't mean it's yours to keep.

13.4.2014

I don't look for someone because i want to get married. i want to get married because i've found the one.

i'm not that type of person. i will get married only for love. but i know love alone isn't enough to keep a marriage last. sparks will disappear. flames will extinguish. feelings fade away. emotions are only a ride, not the whole journey. of course it's going to take a lot more than just love.

i want a good guy. but i don't want a nice guy. for some reasons. besides, don't you know nice guys finish last? and honestly, i don't want to wait.

14.4.2014

If you wanna go to my wali you have to get through me.

15.4.2014

I think among other challenges being married to me is don't change me to be what i don't want to be.

if you have other criteria for a wife and i don't fit in your cup of expectation, please look for somebody else who is better to you, for you. for there are many women out there who are better than me. that, is if you plan on shaping me into your mold. if i'm just fine the way i am to you and i just need to improve on being a better me, because we all have to at some point, then that's not a problem.

i can be a rebel. note that.

19.5.2014

I'm not a hopeless romantic. I'm a romantic realist.

20.5.2014

I don't want a guy who can't live without me. i don't want to be wanted just because i'm why he lives, i'm what keeps him alive. i don't want to be wanted just because i am the reason. because i'm not that person. i don't want someone i can't live without. i want someone i want to live with.

love shouldn't be treated like oxygen. air keeps us alive. we want air to keep living. we need it. i don't want to be wanted just because i'm needed nor do i need a guy to want him. i want to be wanted for me. not needed for anybody. i want to want a guy because i want him. i could have had anyone else, i could have chosen freedom, but no, i want him. not because i need him.

if you could live without air, if you don't need it, would you still want it?

although air holds a vital value in our lives, i don't want to be air. unless, in that alternate universe, somebody let go the liberty of living without limit, to breath in me. of all the choices of skies and spaces, he chooses the earth, because that's where i am. all around him. inside him. he doesn't need me. but he wants me.

that's what i want. not what i need.

26.5.2014

No, not not good enough for somebody. but not good for somebody.

if we're talking about looking for someone who's good enough, it will never end. there will always be someone better and better and better and you'll never settle with the best person because it doesn't exist.

that's why i want someone who's good for me. he might not be good enough to some, heck he might not be good at all to them. who cares? he's not the best or better than everybody else, it's not the matter of him being good enough for me or i him, it's about us being good for each other,

so yeah. i might end up with a sk8rboi or that guy with rugged style or that hunk behind glasses or that dude in a band or that average joe or anyone at all, and if i like him, i like him. he doesn't have to be that good a guy. just good for me.

and i believe that's good enough.

29.5.2014

i should have met somebody by now since i plan to get married no later than 25 and i must know that dude for at least 7 years before we do.

i thought of this when i was, idk, in primary school? so let's not question if it's valid ok. but there's certainly some logic to it. a part of the logic was, if you can't be my friend for 7 years, how can you be my husband for a lifetime? that's why we need to test for our compatibility and chemistry first, and contrary to popular belief, i don't believe this is what they call a 'test drive' or worst, when it doesn't work out, 'a used toy.' at least not my idea of doing it. maturity is key.

it's not necessarily courtship, more like a constant friendship. though it really depends on your definition and i couldn't care less what you think of me if you judge me based on my status. but yeah, constant friendship. not just friends where hey i know you and you know me. but constant friends where we're really friends for seven consecutive years. that way we can see if there's chemistry and compatibility without courting each other. fine, kinda like courtship but no, i have a whole different idea in my head. even if it is, i know what i'm doing so please kindly remove your nose out of my business thank you.

but i know life enough to know things don't always go as planned and we don't always get what we want or well, initially wanted.

5.6.2014

Someone whom i share no mutual friends with would be nice. 

i don't want some people from my past to be in my future just because i get married to somebody.

like, yall are just gonna find out i'm married when you see me with a kid. ha! not that you'd care if i wouldn't invite you, but i'd care if he would.

17.6.2014

crush. no heartache no heartbreak no hurting. no commitment and consistency and care which is okay. if i'm not gonna get any i might as well not get all!

if you can't give me commitment at least give me consistency and if that is still so hard on your part at least show that you freaking care once in a while! you know why? because it's not gonna be easy to convince me. you can't pop out of nowhere and pop the question. i get nothing from my crush and the most i can get is brief eye contact, which is already more than enough for me and it makes me happy. unattainable people at least have reasons why they are unattainable. like they don't know me. no excuse. like they just don't care. let me live this way. it's not real, but at least i can imagine what if it was real and not hurting myself over the thought of how it should have been possible. 

i sound so much like a school girl. and i didn't sound like a school girl when i was a school girl. like i've said i guess we all have our phases. mine is all jumbled up, understanding something too early and learning something too late.

21.6.2014

at twenty, i realize that i'm young and i tell myself that i should be living on the fast lane, grab what i can get, take the chance i want and despite having much time i can't waste it on anything or anybody which and whose value and return won't appreciate, because i have no time to wait.

15.7.2014

casual. not committed and consistent. not focused. but free and flexible.

delete

When feeling bad is good

Suddenly i feel bad, but maybe i should. I'm not doing what i should be doing here in uk. I'm a scholar and a scholar shouldn't be a lazyass. I'm already here. Allah has given me everything, i have left my mom for this, people have paid for my studies... And what have i been doing all this time? I'm so ashamed of myself. If only the world knew they'd say i don't deserve it. I never overestimate myself or undermine anything, this is just how i am :'( Sedih sangat... Bila rasa bersyukur tu memang tak pernah habis tapi gaya macam tak bersyukur langsung. Thank you for giving me a wake up call without you knowing. Even though rasa macam ditampar hahaha. That's my conscience, see. The pits of being guilty. If i feel it, i feel it, nobody has to blame me. All it takes is something seemingly small or even unintended, to be said. To bring out the guilt in me. Or maybe it depends on who saying it since this never happened before, i don't know. How long will this epiphany stay, i have no idea. But it feels bad, and it's good :(

The Year I Made It - 2014 :)

2014 has been... one heck of a year.

the first three quarter of the year, if you told me of the things that would happen in the last quarter of 2014 and that i would be sitting here typing this in Sheffield, i would say "jangan memain boleh tak?"

because everything else was going wrong, i would have troubles believing things would be going right. alhamdulillah :)

my previous post was supposed to be followed by another post in which i would talk about bad memories, which often make good stories. yes, it's all in the past but i'd just have to write it down, maybe to give it its final rest or otherwise it kept floating in my head and giving me reasons to be sad when i shouldn't be. yes, i am guilty of thinking about it even when i'm in the better part of the year. i am sad abut the past, and i am happy now. but i couldn't help thinking about what had happened, i don't know why. it was really bothering me. that i'd shed a tear. or two.

but now, this very second, i'm not there anymore. so why should i talk about the bad things? when there are good things i can talk about. or can't talk about. or won't. wink, haha.

even with the worse three quarter of the year, i still have troubles accepting the better quarter. keep telling myself just be happy now ama, before your happiness is taken away again for whatever reason nauzubillah... :( it's not like i'm in a state where everything is oh so perfect and i super love my life and i'm the happiest i've ever been and oh life is at its best~ but in a way, in MY way, life's good. i'm good :) alhamdulillah.

i lost some, but i learnt so much. i gained enough, and i got what i wanted :) to list it all, oh my... 

is it possible?

ok let's try. let's list it down, in an ambiguous way so people can't really figure out what i'm talking about, as always. shall we? haha!

1. aku freaking fly weh. can you believe that? i still can't. dream uni, dream course. childhood dreams. against all odds. bailed mrsm, stayed in lembah, intec almost killed me academically and personally that i considered to bail last year and couldn't wait to leave this year. felt like i flunked - passed. didn't pass uni requirement - got accepted. weh.

2. don't trust people anymore. cukup siapa ada sekarang. insyaallah sentiasa ada. nobody to find, no friend to make. nothing's wrong with that. i've found the people and make the friends i cherish. that is enough. life is complete. unless i happen to do so along the way which is okay, i'm just not desperate to discover new individuals, open up, and be disappointed again.

3. i spent the first half of 2014 being unhappy. i didn't go out, i didn't eat properly, i lost weight (which was good, but i gained it again, also because i wasn't happy)(when essential things in life fail to make you happy, you seek false sense of happiness in other things instead - good food, surplus of clothes)(i spent every friday in the two months of exam going to the office to collect my online shopping items and secret recipe afterwards, studying and eating alone for the whole day), i cried in class, in my house, at the kerusi, to my mom, to the ground. god, ama. i'm not one to feel lonely even when i'm alone. so something must have happened to make me feel alone even when surrounded by people. it takes much to make me say i'm lonely, and i was.

4. you don't know who cares about you, and guess what? they don't know that you care about them too! unless you bloody tell them! i've made this mistake a couple of times this year... years. didn't you know? i'm the best at showing i couldn't care less. but this time it cost more than i ever thought it could. you both didn't know that you were thinking of each other, that you both were stealing glances, and wanted to talk... this is a mistake of all sides, too discouraged or too ego, and how would we even know? but if i said or did anything earlier... it would have been better. we were young and stupid and wrong :(

5. talk. talk it out. i've always wanted to talk about things. so i'm just telling everyone out there that... YOU SHOULD TALK ABOUT IT. whatever that has been bothering you, or the things you've been keeping inside. i wanted to talk about something once, but i was denied the chance. then when things got worse, i didn't feel like talking anymore. i just stayed silent. till the end. because the things that were there to talk about? had mounted and was already too much to handle.

6. stay the hell out of other people's business, thank you. even if you mean it well. well, thanks, but i repeat, stay the hell away.

7. oooh, the truth always comes out. always. it's just a matter of time. too bad for me, much of the truth i found out right before i started my alevel exam. couldn't have had a better timing, eh? so next time if you want to talk shit about others, or tell bullshits to others, or do shitty things you aren't supposed to do, think about that. okay? :)

8. i'm getting bitter here. hahaha. don't be bitter! i was bitter for a while. because i didn't want to get hurt any longer. if you're sensitive, you get hurt. if you're cold, you hurt others. what will you choose? i've been both. in the end, i'd say being soft is better than being harsh. being warm is better than being cold. and being sweet is better than being better. you've just gotta find the right balance, and build a strong defense rather than use a defense mechanism that hurts others in return.

9. you are alone in your life. face it. you will always be alone in the end. brace it. embrace it.

10. i was once in a position which i was attacked, by being said i was the one attacking, ha ha. but what did i do? i defended the person. i justified for them. i tried to understand their position. and i was the one losing my temper? :') probably because i was too shocked i couldn't even be angered, i just sat there staring straight ahead and wondered "why me?" so i say, keep a cool head, even when people say you're hot-headed :)

11. i learn to act cool oh so coolly! i mean, act cool. not that i could act in a cool way. still, i gave myself a pat on the back for having such a talent i didn't know i had. to face the world when all i wanted was hide, to smile when the day before i had cried, to talk nicely even when i knew what you talked about me. no, it's not being fake. it's being polite. it's not being hypocrite, it's being mature. we put the unnecessary behind us, and focus on the necessary before us. such as the exam.

12. not everybody are like you. upon knowing this, you still don't have to be like them. for example: you don't talk about people because you thought they wouldn't talk about you, but they did? don't talk about them still! i knew that not everybody will like me, i learnt that years ago. but to know that people don't hold the same values as i do, it's something new :(

13. some losses are gains. if it was good, it would have stayed.

14. friendships with unexpected people at unexpected times. although i had to treat it as a secret as if it was a scandal. the one when it was a guy friend, understandable. but the girl friend? hahahah, as if she was my girl-friend! she was one of the very few friends i felt i had left. and him, too. so i had two friends i treasured, but i couldn't be seen with them. because somebody(s) would get jealous, and i was always the one trying not to get anybody hurt.

15. but i still got people hurt, and that was unavoidable... inevitable :( sometimes, there is no other way... and i feel bad to this day. to all that i've hurt intentionally or unintentionally. i'm so sorry. 

16. you can't control what happens, but you can control how you dress. one day after something happened, i really didn't want to go to class. the whole night i've been saying how would i go to class in this situation :( but the next morning, i got the answer. my friend who knew what was happening was surprised to see me. "pergh, ama!" i was wearing a dress and a shawl, didn't look like someone who just cried a couple of hours earlier. "kita takleh kawal apa jadi kat kita, tapi kita boleh kawal kita pakai apa." i felt a sense of power, when the truth was everything else made me feel powerless inside. you might feel your worst, but make sure you look your best :)

17. i still believe people have good intentions, even if they do bad things. it's what they do that is bad, they are not. but you know what? that's not a good enough excuse. you still did what you know you shouldn't have done, and that hurts others. i know that now. so i won't do that to other people too.

18. despite it all, i'm glad that i have a couple of underground friends, if you will. the world doesn't really know we're friends, but they know about my world and i theirs. at least, know enough. i like that, you know. there might not be cool pictures and posts of us hanging out at cool places talking about cool things, there doesn't need to be. i know we're cool enough. and of course, i thank god for the couple of friends who were always there for me at my lowest. i know i shouldn't burden them, so i tried to survive on my own. but they were still there for me. thinking of them now can give me teary eyes out of gratitude.

19. you have to be able to be happy for people when you're unhappy, and be sad about others when you're sad about yourself. i could do that, but somehow i purposely didn't... i did the right thing when i was still in intec. i retreated, i hid, i didn't tell anybody anything, i didn't feel like talking, but once somebody needed to talk to me, i'd go out of my hiding. i'd be there. but after i left intec, i really shut in and shut everybody out. i only maintained contact with a couple of people: somebody whom i thought might be the only who actually really cared about me and showed it, and somebody who needed me to be his wingwoman lol. i didn't talk to my best friend, let alone other friends. it was not that i blamed the whole human race for what happened to me, it was just i couldn't be bothered. i was tired of people in general. they exhausted me. that was so inappropriate of me when they tried to reach me...

20. I learn that it is better to have 1 person who loves you for who you really are, than 100 people pretending they do, even when the other 100 think you're not worth loving without knowing the real you. Despite everything, i'm very lucky to have some people in my life. Very few to trust, but more than enough. I forgot how sweet some souls are to me because i was too focus on how bitter hearts can be. I'm sorry. Should have just treasured what has lasted for years :)

21. bear.

21 for the age i'm going to be in 2015! weehooo!!!

of course there are more, but these are some that i can think of right now. others can be found in previous posts, fb statuses, insta caption, right before sleeping and perhaps in the toilet. hmm.

but always, always the same thing year after year is... alhamdulillah for everything ya Allah.

when things are going bad, it's too much for me to bear. when things are going good, it's more than i ever deserve. either way You always, always listen, and are always, always there, and so generous and forgiving, thanks ya Allah.

thank you for 2014, the worst and the best year, for all the experiences and lessons, good and bad. the bitter makes the good much sweeter, and the good makes the bad seem worth it :)

last year i wrote in The Year I Almost Gave Up - 2013;

2013 was not a good year for me. I wish 2014 will be my best year.

I want to be happy.

i can say i am happy now, alhamdulillah. too afraid to say i'm happy. but may it last, insyaallah.

i'm sorry to the ones i have hurt, may Allah help you to forgive me. to those who have helped me, may Allah bless you :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR UK! FIREWORKS OUTSIDE MY WINDOW AS I'M ENDING THIS POST. PERFECT TIMING!

Hello, 2015 :)