Not Now

again, i just spent a one hour phone call with my mom. and again, she listened to what i had to say. but this time, i did not try to sound okay. one hour of crying and my eyes hurt but my heart is at ease and my mind is not as cluttered. there is something which has been bothering me lately and i never talked about it to anybody. maybe because nobody ever asks, they no longer care. or maybe because they guess nothing's wrong and everything's okay. i know i'm not the only one, that's also why i never say. everyone has their own shit, i won't bother them anyway plus most don't really care. but i always do, and i won't compare, so just let me in. it actually helps me to forget mine when i listen to people. but now, i just feel lost, in every possible way. i'm lost personally, socially and academically. my peers are stressed out about the future but the present stresses me out even more that i'm not even bothered by the complications we are facing now. i'm bothered about what i face alone. people are always over things, troubles with things don't bother me as much as problems with people do. when i don't think about people, they call me heartless. but when i let myself think, i'm the one who's in tears. it's weird when just the night before i laughed so hard i cried, short of breath, pain in the tummy, aching cheeks, even at things which actually weren't that funny. but tonight, it's the other way around, except i didn't laugh. i began to wonder if it's true, what they say about how those who laugh the hardest, cry the most. but it's too cliche i hate it. i also hate to be the cliche happy-looking girl who's actually miserable. to me if you're sad, show that you're sad or don't show it at all. or else you'll go around feeling special as if you're good at hiding it when all you do is scream through your obvious sad eyes, which means you purposely want people to know. and i hate that. ok whatever. i almost didn't tell my mom what's the matter tonight, but after the first routine phone call, i asked her to call me again. i was in the house, so i had to keep my cool upfront. i went outside for the second phone call, and i lost all calmness. i just broke down. from friends to family, i told her everything. i pity my mom because when i was living with her, i relied on her physically. now when i'm out of the house she must have thought she would get some peace, but instead her teenage daughter starts to depend on her more and more than ever before, emotionally. it's less worse to cry to your mom over the phone, because she can't see you so you can look like crap. if you cry in front of her, you have to pull yourself together. everyday i'm thankful that i still have my mom, because she's the only one i have, she's all that i have, but at times like this i couldn't be more thankful for having mama. i had no choice, i had nobody. i'm sorry. at this moment i feel like she's my only family, she's my only friend. it's not nice, it's not good, i often tell myself not to think about it, not to think of it the bad way, i had to tonight, before the bottle gets overflowed because i can't bottle it up anymore. it's already cracked. i can't help it. maybe it's small, but like everything else you keep to yourself, it gets bigger. i'm going to sit for my final exam in one week, and i can't do it like this. not the best time to feel one of the worst feelings. not this time.

Kerana Sebuah Kerusi

this just in. it just happened like 30 minutes ago it's so just in.

ceritanya kalini begini. intec tengah minggu ROS, aka Raise Our Spirit. setiap malam ada talk, forum, ceramah, majlis ilmu dan segala itu lah. aku join, sebab best. walaupun rasanya tahun lepas lagi gempak, tapi ini kan ilmu jugak. pergi jelah, sikit pun mesti dapat. tak dapat pun duk situ sejam dua mesti ada berkat :)

anyway, malam ni program yang antara tetamunya ialah ex-intec sendiri, Afiq Sazlan. beliau dah makin femes ya, jadi tak heran kalau korang kenal. kalau tak kenal tu agaknya dah boleh kot gi google dia, follow blog, friend fb, subscribe youtube segala.

youtube? yaaa!

"Kalau semua nak jadi doktor, sape nak jadi matluthfi?" LOL

"10 sahabat yang dijanjikan syurga, takde sorang pun sama. semua lain. jadi bila seseorang tu nak jadi sesuatu yang lain drpd anda, kenapa anda halang? pakailah jalan mana sekalipun asalkan dia ke sana, itu adalah cita-cita yang baik. jadi kpd sesiapa yang bercitakan apa yg tak semua orang cita-citakan, nak ambik jalan yg lain drpd orang lain, saya mendoakan anda. jalan ni memang tak mudah."

ni lagi satu video dia yang aku suka

aku tengok video ni dulu, sebelum nampak dorang dua kawan baik ni in real life kat mamak masa dinner. masa tu aku teruja jap, weh makan sama tempat dengan retis intec! hahaha

jadi itulah Afiq Sazlan.

beli buku dia pun boleh juga.

ya, buku. itulah cerita kita. aku taktaulah apa nasib aku, ni kali kedua dalam masa seminggu aku tak dapat beli buku idaman. aku nak beli buku dia, bukan senang dapat jumpa dia sekarang. padahal boleh je beli online sebenarnya. tapi.... sebab yang sama kenapa aku tak order Love & Misadventure online. tahlah, malas. padahal online shopping rajin pulak kan. bila dia kembali melawat intec atas urusan rasmi, dia bawak buku dia untuk berjual beli. ok takpe. kita tunggu lepas program baru serbu.

masa aku tau dia dah buat satu buku, aku private message dia kat fb. tu pun bukan fb personal dia, tapi page company dia. we keep it business yo! aku tak add dia, buat malu je. kalau dia nampak apa aku post kat news feed dia, mesti dia mengucap tsk. jadi aku sedar diri, tak add. follow je. aku tanya macam mana terhasilnya buku itu, dan perkara berkaitan. saya nak contohi, student lagi tapi dah terbitkan buku! wah! kagum lah sebab kalau korang kenal dia, taulah betapa hebatnya dia multitasking. blogging, vlogging, daiegraphy (wedding photoshoot ada diskaun for students yo!), dan macam-macam lagi. mana dapat masa? tu pun aku tanya.

dia jawab pergh, beserta dalil. lagila terasa kerdil. sebbaik aku tak add, mesti dia tak approve. lagipun ai mana add orang, daa~ tapi tetiba dia add aku guna personal akaun dia. terharu jap. terus cancel tak jadi follower dah. kata dah friend hahahah. bagusnya dia add je tah sesapa, untuk luaskan medium dakwah agaknya. tapi aku agak seratus peratus pasti yang dia hide aku dari timeline dia loool.

Update: ya kini pasti. Aku pm dia, tanya mana boleh dapat buku dia offline sebab aku 'tak sempat' beli tadi. Lepas dia jawab, baru dia like status and gambar aku, tapi yang bawa manfaat kepada umat. hahaha. Segannyaaa dia nampak yang laghaaa. astagha. Mesti dia baru sedar kewujudan aku, pastu nak cek berbaloi tak budak ni ada kat newsfeed. Hm.... mungkin tidak.

Memang tidak.

wani et moi (bukan malam kejadian)

berbalik pada buku, ok. teruja tengok dia atas pentas. teruja jugak sebab program malam ni pasal islam dan teknologi, so sesikit tayang video. alkisahnya dari tempat aku duduk, video tak nampak sangat. jadi aku ngan wani, asal video je kitorang tarik kerusi ke tepi bagi nampak sikit. habis video, tolak kerusi ke tengah balik bagi nampak panel dan moderator pulak. pabila video terakhir ditayangkan, macam biasa aku tolak kerusi ke tepi.... tapi mungkin teruja sangat sampai tolak terkuat, kerusi tu terbalik ke belakang. PANNGGG!!! 

aku tengok kerusi tu. orang lain semua tengok aku. aku terus lompat duduk atas wani sembunyi muka celah kaki dia. malu gilaaaa tapi gelak jugak sebab bayangkan la! tu kerusi besi kot. bunyi kerusi tu kuat sampai sesape yang berdekatan pandang nak tau apa terjadi. tau-tau je kerusi dah terbalik pastu aku dah berhimpit ngan wani tutup muka. dahlah aku duduk dikelilingi junior, aku taktaulah kalau kerusi tu himpap kaki junior ke apa, tapi siap dengar dorang ketawa lagi. depan aku member senior, dorang jerit "AMA!" pastu gelak jugak. dah satu hal nama aku diseru terus orang tau sape yang buat kecoh tu. aku harap manusia yang aku harap tak nampak, tak nampak. kalau nampak lagi malu berlipat kali ganda. masa tu lampu tutup sebab nak tunjuk video, tapi macam nampak je sebab dekat sangat. saham yang memang takde, paras sifar terus jatuh jadi negatif. harap je berjubah bagai tapi ganas macam laki perangai. nasib baik aku tak tergolek sekali. kalau ye terus aku bergolek keluar dewan taknak jumpa sape dah.

tolonglah. sepanjang video 3 minit tu aku gelak kat diri sendiri. wani pulak "stop it ama!" malu nak mati.

disebabkan aku malu dengan kejadian itu, habis je terus aku blah. tak sempat beli buku Afiq Sazlan. tak dapat mintak sign. kerana sebuah kerusi, lagi sekali aku tak dapat beli buku yang diinginkan. kerana sebuah kerusi, aku malu bagai nak pengsan. kerana sebuah kerusi. tragis.

Misadventure With My Love

ok ini cerita seminggu yang lepas. tapi harus jugak cerita sebab bermakna.

hari sabtu, hari yolo aku. kenapa? sebab aku balik sendiri dari shah alam ke kl weh! cukup yolo la tu, gawd. ini kali kedua balik sengsorang lepas balik beraya ngan member haritu. tapi tu pun jumpa kengkawan dekat kl sentral, so just berdikari cari teksi gi ktm naik ktm. tapi kalini berdikari dari cari teksi, gi ktm, naik ktm, tukar kl sentral naik lrt pulak, sampaila turun kat klcc. 

jap kenapa klcc? 

ok ni nak cerita ni. 

tujuan aku sanggup bersusah payah balik sendiri sebab aku nak gi kinokuniya. tau tak sebenarnya nak balik kl lagi susah daripada balik kedah?! kataku kepada kawan kedahku. kedah beli tiket bas, cari seat, duduk, settle. tido bangun balik pun tak tentu sampai. which is good. i love long road trips. tapi nak balik kl kena naik teksi, ktm, lrt, ha apa lagi. stesyen ktm, kl sentral, stesyen lrt, berapa pit stop cuba kira. macam aku haritu tertido jap je bila bukak mata dah satu stesyen sebelum kl sentral. nasib baik terjaga, kalau terlepas satu hal. tido pun tak tenang tau tak. rasa cam lagi rela ikut wani balik kedah haritu daripada balik kl lol.

eh kat mana tadi? ha gi kino. tujuan bersusah payah nak adalah untuk beli hasil karya penulis, penyajak, pelukis yang aku suka gilaaa, Lang Leav. buku dia baru beberapa hari sampai malaysia, and only available at kinokuniya. masa aku dapat tau dah ada kat malaysia, teruja tak terkata ha biar gambar berbicara:

i was the one who discovered her. through my sharing of my love for her work, more people acknowledged her existence and talents. so of course i felt like i had the right to be the first one to own her book, being her first fan among my friends. even if i wasn't the first one i'd appreciate people buying it for me using my own money and i certainly did not appreciate people buying it without telling then flaunting, oops telling me when it's too late. but oh well, whatever. this is what a reader is like, we get jealous because of books. the love of a literature lover :)

so itu yang kemaruk nak ke kino tu sampai sanggup buat apa yang tak pernah dibuat sebelum ni. aku memang yolo haritu sebab aku taktau arah tuju. tetiba je, eh nak balik sendiri lah. nak gi klcc. pastu gi mana pulak sampai bila dengan siapa? entah. tengoklah camne. barulah adventurous sikit rasa hidup ni lulz. 

being independent going back home using public transport: officially a college student

aku dah plan sebenarnya nak selfie dari bosan dalam perjalanan sampai bahagia bila Love & Misadventure dalam genggaman. nampakla step by step journey tu, jerit perih dilalui demi sebuah buku. lol. shah alam and kl sentral jauh jugak, time tu jugaklah battery phone aku nak low. what. kalau mati camne. takpe, kate yolo. memang dah nak habis time tu, so tak dapat dengar lagu. mp3 pulak tak bawak, akibat kabut packing tak sampai sepuluh minit. kuar shah alam pun dah 3 petang, sape tak kabut. last-last aku tertido. cara terbaik to kill the time. tetiba je dah sampai. terus beli token lrt, pastu lapar gila sebab tak makan dari pagi. maka ke burger king, dengan beg semua. terasa dewasa. ni bukan yolo ni poyo. aku sebenarnya suka jalan sengsorang sebab ni la, aku boleh pergi mana-mana aku nak makan pape aku suka hehe.

naik lrt, cam biasa bersesak-sesak sesama manusia. tetiba je aku dah kat ceruk tepi pintu, dikelilingi laki. depan aku sorang pakcik omputeh. typicial tourist look: seluar pendek, t-shirt putih, spek hitam, peta.

him: a bit crowded in here aren't we?

me: yeaa it's normal *senyum

him: normal?! *terkejut

me: of course, it's weekend

him: oh yeah, friday isn't it

me: no... it's saturday

him: saturday?! oh haha, how would i know right, i'm an immigrant!

me: heheh *senyum

him: just got back from work?

me: no, actually i'm a college student, going back to my hometown

him: oh got a day off? holiday?

me: just for the weekend *lupa ada raya haji haha

him: china town is around here right?

me: er i'm not quite sure... usually i just go straight to my hometown from college, sooo

him: you don't really know the places around here, don't really go anywhere do you?

me: heheh *senyum

me: where are you from?

him: i'm from new zealand

me: oh! which part of new zealand?

him: wellington, in the south

me: i've been in wellington once!

him: really??

me: yeah, nice place. i went there only for a holiday trip, tho

him: yeah, yeah. ok this is me. maybe you can let me out...

me: oh yeah, ok *awkwardly ke tepi beri laluan untuk dia kuar 

him: thanks yeah!

aku rasa sangat berjaya menjadi contoh rakyat malaysia. poyo lagi. tapi yelah. while i was talking to him people just looked at me... some stared, some smiled. mesti dia rasa local people friendly sebab dahlah aku asyik senyum je hew hew. blah ah baru sembang ngan omputeh sikit nak kecoh. there's another story regarding another omputeh....

after that pakcik stepped out, came in another omputeh. hey young fella u hella hensem. don't you like, want to ask me for direction or something...? no? ok. then we arrived at klcc, we were the first two people who went out, not being creepy, just happened to share the same destination. before i knew it, i was where i was not familiar with, and with less people than it usually is. where was everyone?... and i saw it. i unconsciously followed him to the alley leading to jalan ampang instead of the one to klcc. the feeling when you had to turn around and go down the escalator as all eyes were on you.

i swear i was not being creepy.

eh diena!

hihi sebenarnya dari shah alam lagi dah plan nak jumpa diena kat klcc. sebab selalu cakap nak jumpa, tapi takde kesempatan. almaklumlah dak degree dah jauh dah busy. asal contact je "bila nak jumpa? ada banyak cerita!" dan sesungguhnya bercerita dengan diena lebih afdhal di dunia sebenar. baru feel, pergh. aku tak expect sebenarnya diena nak join adventure aku ni lulz sebab time tu dah petang pastu dia pun kena berdikari naik lrt sendiri gi klcc untuk pertama kali. kalau ikut tahap noobnya, pape pun diena belakang aku la hahaha. seawkward-awkward aku, awkward lagi diena. tapi diena sanggup datang demi sahabat tercinta! kesat air mata.

ok gi kino. aku cari sendiri kelibat buku merah tersebut. diena cakap tanyalah staff, aku taknak. nak cari sendiri jugak. biar bermakna pengalamanku ini, dari awal sampai ke akhir berdikari. tak mengharapkan sesapa pun. diena awak dok diam-diam kat sini, belek la buku memana sementara kita cari, aku kata. satu kino tu aku pusing.... tapi takde. aku sebenarnya taknak tanya orang sebab aku takut kecewa. last-last, pergila jugak service centre.

me: excuse me, i'm looking for.... Love & Misadv-

him: ah, i'm sorry but it just sold out-

me: SERIOUSLY?!

him: yes... it will be restocked by the end of the month. i'm so sorry... *sad smile

me: ahhaaa haaa ha ahaaaa *something between laughing and crying

you can not imagine the disappointment. when he said sorry my head already fell on the counter as the worst case scenario was proven to be real. when he said sorry i could see the sympathy in his eyes maybe because he could see the eagerness in mine. he gave me a sad smile, while i was making a wailing noise like a weeping whale. seriously. my laughing and crying state continued when i told diena about it. 

"dammit! i'm one of her biggest fans in malaysia - no, cut it, i AM her biggest fan in malaysia since God knows when! just because i study in shah alam and i don't have anyone to drive me to kl and the only way to get here kena balik sendiri bila cuti, aku tak dapat beli buku dia! i hate yall so much! sibuk je yang tak minat sangat pun dia tapi sibuk nak beli! kalau tak mesti ada lagi! Leav why did you underestimate yourself of course orang nak beli bagila banyak sikit stock!" don't worry, diena is used to seeing me when my emotions get the best of me hahaha.

that totally killed my mood, as if the bag on my back didn't already kill my energy. heh.

kronologi gambar sepatutnya begini: muka bosan sengsorang dalam ktm > muka bahagia pegang Love & Misadventure > muka teruja bersama diena. tapi disebabkan hal ini,

  

  

instead of muka bahagia, jadi muka kecewa

tapi aktiviti bercerita dengan diena masih diteruskan. sebab aku penat, dan kecewa, aku yang banyak dengar dia cerita haha sebab takde mood ah bukak mulut bukak cerita sendiri.

what diena and I learnt that day was we could not keep secrets from each other. kadang-kadang terus tau, tapi buat-buat taktau dulu. kadang-kadang kantoi kemudian. apa-apa pun kejadian terkantoikan diri paling takleh blah sekali berlaku masa tunggu lrt nak balik malam tu. penat, kecewa punya pasal cerita pun lupa nak tapis, tetiba ha kauuu beru perasan dah terlepas cakap. pandang je, senyap seketika. pastu ffffuuu terlompat-lompat kat situ terus pergi peluk tiang terduduk. over ama is over.

le me camwhoring muka hepi cos dis ma blog

happy sebab masa ni makan kek kat secret recipe. weh berapa banyak kali kau makan la, memula burger king, pastu kyros kebab, pastu kek lagi... patut la happy.

lepak dengan diena best sebab dua dua kaki makan, tak rasa menyedihkan bila asyik nak makan je hahaha. those are the best things in life; food, friends, and having food and friends at the same time! aww

jadi hari tersebut dihabiskan dengan bercerita-ceriti, makan-makan dan jenjalan cari barang je. tapi semua yang aku cari takde, apakah ini petanda?! yang tak cari pulak jumpa. haaa apa maksudnya. 

bila kitorang nak balik dah, tengah jalan laju ni, tetiba aku dengar dari belakang "kak, dik, kak, dik, kak, dik" aku pandanglah, sebab ingat mungkin ada tercicir benda ke zip beg tak tutup ke dia nak bagitau. tapi pakcik tu ikut je kitorang. kejadah kak dik kak dik ni pulak kan, pandang diena dengan muka pelik. tau-tau je kitorang dah berhenti jalan, berdepan dengan dia. dia cakap laju gila.

something pasal "nak duit terdesak malu sangat ni tapi kena mintak jugak nanti saya kasi nombor kat awak tapi sekarang ni memang perlukan duit 6 ringgit pun jadilah" yang diulang-ulang. sebab nak cepat, aku pun ok whatever la kuarkan purse, at the same time diena pun kuarkan purse, dah kitorang dua-dua kuarkan duit, dia cakap nak 10 ringgit pulak. diena terus "eh tadi kata 6 ringgit?" HAHAHA. pastu dia bebel apa tah lagi dengan pantas, cakap sebab tadi ingat nak mintak sorang je ni dah dua orang bolehla 10 ringgit. siottt hahaha whateverla nah hambek hambek sorang limaa takyah ambik nombor aku segala aku pun taknak nombor pakcik takpe kira halal la takyah bayar balik bagai dah bye!

pastu dua dua cam wtf did i just do wth what what what. did we just give a total stranger 10 ringgit? the stranger did look distraught tho, but it's not that hard to con people nowadays. taktaulah wallahualam, husnudzon kira halal. memula aku tengok dia pun dia nampak cam orang susah, serabut and kesian... lol. macam takde duit nak balik kampung ke apa. tapi apa kau buat dalam klcc ni. kalaula dia memang tipu, kira strategi berjayala. ikut dua orang budak pompuan, cakap laju-laju kusutkan diri awkwardkan keadaan, budak pompuan malas nak layan, so kasi je la, hambek. kalau la dia jumpa sepuluh orang cam kitorang satu hari, dapat 100 woi! takpelah, kalau dia tipu, tu pun rezeki dia jugak. kitorang yang kasi. pepandai dia la nanti. kalau dia tak tipu, semoga dipermudahkanla pape masalah pakcik tu.

walaupun harini dirundung kekecewaan, kepenatan, kepelikan dan sebagainya, harini jadi bermakna kerana sahabat tercinta :') awww. jadi kronologi bergambar pun bersambungla bersama diena.

cos we're sweet like that

Deep Rooted Issues

I don't really think or talk about it, so i believe i'm okay. But once something happens, no matter how small, it triggers the switch in me, and all hell breaks loose. Deep rooted issues. nobody can help me. I can't help myself. It's not something people can see. I'm not a drug addict. I'm not a whore. I'm not a depressed person contemplating suicide every now and then. I seem normal. But sometimes, at times like this, i know i'm not. Something is wrong with me. But i can't be fixed. That's why deep inside i think nobody can love me and i can't love anybody, i know i only love my mom and only my mom loves me. and that's only because she's my mom. She has to love me. i'm her daughter and however bad i am, she loves me because mothers are just programmed that way. she's the only one who's seen the real me, and i don't mind whatever she thinks of me because thank God for this person who will always love me. without her nobody cares about me. It's only my family's obligation to help me. Not because they want to. they just have to. i'm a nuisance. i know it's bad to feel and think this way, but i can't really help it. of course there are reasons why i'm led to feel and think so. If i was somebody else's daughter, my mom wouldn't even love me. Heck, i wouldn't bother about myself too. why would she? why would i? who would? I appear decent but i'm actually defected, at least that's what they make me believe. I believe that i'm broken beyond repair. I'm not worth it, and i don't care. That's why i don't care about people. I won't make anybody love me or care for me, it's either you do or you don't. I won't change or be better just to earn people's affection and attention. that's why when something happens between me and someone, i don't really fight for it anymore, in fact i don't even fight against them, i just let it be. people say it seems like i don't care, and maybe it's true. i don't care because i feel like they don't care about me, so why should i? i don't care about the fight doesn't mean i don't care about them, it just means i let it be because i believe one fine day everything will be okay, everyone will be fine. i'm just tired dealing with shits. i'm tired thinking about people. So many things have happened to shape me to be this way; i'm heartless but easily touched, i'm harsh but soft at heart, i'm egoistic but easily guilty, i don't care but i will think about it anyway, i don't think about people but i still do at the end of the day. people don't understand me and that is a problem, they don't understand that i was brought up this way, intentionally or unintentionally, everything that happened to me made me this way. i find it hard to understand people too, because we're all different, we were raised in different ways, we have different families, we come from different places. but if i care about someone, i try to understand them and adapt to their different way of life. without actually knowing somebody, you wouldn't know how different they are from you, and you can't really do what you're expected to do, and it's surprising when this happens between family members. another irony is i actually love myself, but some people are capable of making me hate myself. and hating yourself is the source of all shits. you feel it's fine that you deserve nobody and nobody wants to be with you. the real you, i mean. the real you that some people say bad, not the good you you seem to be. sometimes i think i'm fine, but they show me how i'm flawed. some people think i'm good, but some see me as someone bad. and those people are the ones whose opinions are supposed to matter, but they don't see me the way i see myself when i love myself. maybe because there's nothing to be loved actually.  i don't even know who i am anymore. am i the good girl? am i the bad guy? maybe because i don't choose to be that way with them. this is not hypocrisy, i just can't be who i want to be with my family. i don't know. i will be okay in a day, or an hour or so, but for now i don't know. like i said, this is some deeply rooted issues. but these parasites do not lead me to do stupid things. perhaps i should have, because maybe only then people would take it seriously and not overlook the matters which changed me. perhaps i should have, so they know something is wrong with me, not that i am the one who's wrong. i''ve been led to believe that if something is wrong it's always me and i'm always the one with faults, that's why i don't care. but i know if they know what i write here, they will feel horrible and i hate making people feel horrible. i always let it show, but i never want to let them know. it's just natural. whatever happens, it will always come down to this. this happened a long time ago it's too late to undo it. someone like me is actually a trap, you know? you see me as harmless, but i have come to believe that i'm worthless. you don't really see what's wrong with me, sometimes i don't see what's wrong with me either, but some people do, and when they do, i see everything is wrong with me and i can't make it right. if people see my eyes now they will think it's the eyes of someone who doesn't want to leave home, but actually it's the eyes of someone who contradicts what she recently said. now she can't wait to return to college. i never think and talk about this unless something happens to trigger the switch because i hate to listen to what i have to say, but through other people's mouths. i know how people see that kind of person, who reveals their devils, fears and tears, and i hate to be seen that way. i never think and talk about it, but once it's triggered, the small matters can be big, not because i make it big, but because it always comes down to this. deeply rooted issues. it's already too deep, you can't find the parasite. you can't cure the disease. it can't be fixed. but above it all, layer by layer, i'm normal. i'm okay. as usual.

"Do not assume that she who seeks to comfort you now, lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. Her life may also have much sadness and difficulty, that remains far beyond yours. Were it otherwise, she would never have been able to find these words.”
- Rainer Maria Rilke

Eid is More Than Slaughters, It is Sacrifices :)

take a second to think, what would we sacrifice for the sake of Allah? would we do the same thing Nabi Ibrahim did? sacrifice our loved ones for Allah? which makes us think, who do we love most? remember, anything we love more than Allah, will be the reason for our worst pain. here when it's taken, or there when we're questioned.

setiap kita ada pengorbanan sendiri.

pengorbanan terbaik, demi Illahi.

ikhlas, kecik pun jadi :)

selamat hari raya haji!

(i'm actually having a crisis. on this eid please pray that i can make my own little sacrifice to solve it. thank you.)

Cos You Had a Blood Day

it was a night when i feel i just wanted to go home, i didn't want to be with people anymore, the same day on which i felt i didn't want to let people in anymore. i just wanted to be alone, physically and emotionally. i was disappointed, mad, and hurt, even because of small things, but people don't see how it's because i've suppressed the big ones. i don't let the big ones get the best of me, but i let the small things get to me. people just don't understand that. something withholding a strong pressure can explode just because of a slight heat. it's true, you can't have unresolved issues.

i called my mom and heck i cried. usually it's only the routine phone call, hey what you're doing, what did you cook today, what's on tv, have you locked the door, good night salam muah muah love you. but that night we spent 30 minutes talking on the phone, and my mom actually listened AND responded, which is quite rare to tell you the truth. she's always too caught up with whatever she's doing back home, or i'm too caught up with whatever i'm doing over here, and it's always the obligatory conversation with a lot of "ahh"s, "oh"s, "hmm"'s. but last night it was a good chat, ranging from my studies, friends, feelings, even jodoh... and marriage. but not my marriage of course. someone else's marriage we talked about while my mother was giving me a lesson on the do's and the don't's, as always, besides her own marriage to babah, which of course, won the award the best marriage ever and i can take her as my role model because of course, she's the best wife ever. and the best mom ever. sure, she's not all the time good, she's only human. but she's my mom and she's the best mom i could ever get for me. although it was only for 30 minutes, but that's good enough compared to our other phone calls because we actually talked, like, talked. not just talked for the sake of talking. maybe because she could hear my voice cracked in the beginning although she couldn't see the tears i swallowed. by the end of the phone call, my voice cracked with laughter. usually when my voice breaks, my mom gives me her attention because she knows i am not about to ramble some random nonsense and although it's not really her thing to listen, comfort and console people, i know she tries when it matters.

perhaps it was just because i lack of blood, since i just donated my blood, but i lack of sleep and food too because prior to and after the blood donation, i didn't really eat or sleep properly. it was a miracle i actually passed the blood pressure and blood count tests. perhaps it was also because of people. but nah.

there was a good thing about the day, though.

alhamdulillah for being healthy enough to donate and for being given another chance to give something back! as a universal dOnOr it's my ObligatiOn tO dOnate my blOOd. lOl. insyaallah pray for my health because i really love doing this, and so i don't have to be the one needing the donation some day. i also really like seeing myself getting poked by a needle and my blood being sucked out through a tube. fascinating....

anyway. a cool story about a chinese nurse. she was the one who made sure i was ready to get up and leave after i was done donating. my right hand had to press a plaster on my left arm, so i couldn't fix my left sleeve which was rolled up. the nurse who seemed to understand that it mattered to me - maybe because i was wearing hand socks - helped me by rolling down my sleeve and pulling up my hand sock that i showed no skin at all between the small space where my right thumb was pressing my left arm. "tutup ini dulu, cover betul-betul" she said, referring to my arm, taking her time when everybody else was busy doing things quickly. idk man i was just touched. idk if that's just what she does to everyone. nice chinese nurse is nice :')

sometimes you see the good in strangers, and you can't see what's bad in your friends.

they make you feel bad, yes, but you can't really pinpoint what it is.

so it's kinda sad if your friends can see the bad in you.
sometimes i feel so out of place.
like i don't really belong.
like a wanderer.

i just want to go home.

it's not the best place in the world, but because

home = my mom

home = privacy

home = alone

home = me,

i just want to go home already.

Jangan Puji!

aku ada banyak benda nak blog sebenarnya.

mukadimah biasa blog ni.

tapi harini aku nak blog pasal something yang jadi harini. pendek je, serious. tahap pendek dia hazirah pun mampu baca. HAHA. k. aku tak plan nak berblogging pun sebenarnya. tapi begitulah hidup ye, kita tak dapat jangka. semuanya ketentuan illahi. dah diam ama benda pendek pun boleh jadi panjang kalau kau tak habis bebel diam diam. ok.

tadi classmate laki aku, F cakap sesuatu yang aku taktau nak respon camne. setiap kali benda tu berlaku aku ade beberapa skema jawapan pilihan antaranya:

a) ni apa pulak tetiba ni

b) manade

c) kau dah kenapa

d) tak weh

dan lain-lain. kadang-kadang aku diam je atau blah terus sebab dah kehabisan respon. jadi tadi pun same. lepas aku dah respon, classmate laki aku lagi sorang, D cakap sesuatu yang mehla aku simpulkan je kat sini. 

"jangan cakap camtu weh, nanti ama marah."

"asal kau cakap camtu??"

"memang betul pun kan, kau tak suka orang cakap kau camtu. aku terkejut gak la masa baru tau, sebab kau orang first aku jumpa yang camtu kot. jangan puji ke apa sebab kau tak suka."

"aku bukan tak suka.... aku segan. rasa awkward. aku rasa bukan betul pun apa orang cakap tu. rasa cam tak layak je, dorang yang over. pastu aku taktau nak respon camne."

"bukan pasal kau respon ke tak tau, it's a compliment. terima je la."

"tak boleh! pelikkk. tapi aku rasa terharu la. sebab kau faham aku tak suka. tsk tenkiu."

isu dia kat sini aku tak suka orang cakap apa-apa pasal aku yang baik, tapi aku rasa tak kena dengan aku. sebab aku rasa benda tu tak betul, atau aku rasa orang tu perli or menipu, atau aku rasa aku tak layak, atau sebab aku memang pemalu. aww... panggg! 

aku sedar benda ni dah lama la jugak. mengikut pemerhatian aku terhadap diri sendiri la kan, aku camni sejak azali. aku rasa orang je tak perasan. masa aku sekolah rendah orang puji aku benda lain, aku tak suka. masa aku sekolah menengah orang puji aku benda lain pulak, aku marah. masa aku kat kolej orang puji aku benda lain jugak, aku tak selesa. padahal tu semua kan nikmat tuhan. dorang cakap benda baik pasal aku pun dah kira nikmat dah tu, macam dorang doakan aku. tapi dah memang aku camni nak buat camne.

benda ni boleh buat gaduh. orang selalu salah faham, ingat aku poyo rendah diri. bajet humble. sangap perhatian. konon baik. bla bla bla. pastu dorang pun benci aku. cakap aku reverse psychology. sebenarnya aku meninggi diri. aku ni memang berhidung tinggi. what the heck lah. kalau aku betul camtu pun, ada aku kacau hidup kau? tak kaaan. kau yang ganggu ketenangan jiwa sendiri fikir pasal aku pastu nak benci tak pasal. kalau dengki pun tak perlu kot nak busuk hati. haaa kan aku dah poyo bajet orang jeles dengan aku. ha ha ha. kata aku poyo bajet berlagak sangat kan, ambik ah ambik.

orang sekarang ni pulak takde apa yang betul kat mata dorang. kalau kita bangkang, dikata kita panjing pujian. kalau terima kasih yang diucapkan, dikata kita perasan. what the heck lah. kau tak tau ke yang memang ada manusia jenis tak rasa diri dia seperti dikata? tapi tu aku tak kisah. aku bukan tak cakap terima kasih sebab aku fikir apa orang fikir. aku cuma tak faham, kenapa suka sangat buruk sangka? since we're in that part of the day, meh aku buruk sangka jugak. sangkaan buruk aku ialah, kau pelik orang tak terima pujian dan tak riak dengan nikmat tuhan sebab kalau kau diberi nikmat sama, mesti kau akan riak dipuji macam nikmat tu kau punya kan? haaa. and you wonder why Allah doesn't bless you with the same thing?

tapi kalau dah kes upload gambar pastu caption "x chanteq lyke kamoo" tu memang memancing pujian dan mengundang makian. aku tau, aku paham, kita cakap pasal kekurangan kita sebab lebih baik orang nampak sekarang daripada kemudian, dan lebih baik keluar dari mulut kita daripada mulut orang kan. kita bersedia dengan kekurangan kita, so bila orang nak guna kekurangan kita against kita, kita tak kisah. takde hal lah, aku dah lama terima. kau je baru jakun ngan kekurangan aku haha. tapi tak perlu la canang sampai camtu sekali. bising sedar diri tak hot padahal buat duckface percubaan untuk jadi comel, aku tampar kang diam terus.

even the sweetest praises contain the most bitter poisons. tapi ada je yang puji jujur ikhlas tulus murni. makin lama aku makin dapat beza. aku belajar siapa yang boleh dipercaya dan siapa yang wajar dihindar. siapa yang aku boleh berterima kasih bukan sebab benda baik yang dorang kata pasal aku, tapi pandangan dorang pasal aku yang baik. jadi, terima kasih sebab jadi baik. thanks for perceiving things beautifully, and hence, you're the beauty :)

bila aku actually terima pujian, skema jawapan aku

a) tuah je tu

b) Allah tolong
c) er..... thanks?

dalam minggu ni jugak, D dapat tau SPM aku straight A's, dia macam terkejut. isu ni simpan untuk post nanti, tapi aku nak selitkan je yang bila dia cakap "bagusnya," dengan perasaan tak sangka, aku balas "i got lucky, that's all." yes i believed i only got lucky, i always have. every single time. that's why he was surprised, because my luck has run out.

aku tak pernah mengiyakan pun sebab aku rasa semua tu tak lama pun tahan, dan ape yang baik kan dari tuhan, Allah boleh ambik balik bila-bila je apa dia pinjamkan. kenapa aku nak bangga dengan apa yang sementara? kenapa aku nak kata "ya, aku memang" macamkan aku yang berkuasa? kenapa aku nak iakan macam tu semua aku punya? aku bersyukur dengan apa aku ada, tapi rasanya tak perlu kot aku tayang kesyukuran aku dekat orang kan? aku diam-diam alhamdulillah dalam hati sudah. alhamdulillah boleh hidup dengan apa yang ada. tapi tak salah jugak kot kalau aku teringin nak ada lebih baik kan?

orang taktau apa kita rasa. you'll never know what makes other people insecure. ye kita bersyukur dengan kepunyaan kita. tapi kalau kita nak lebih pun takde dosanya. kita bersyukur kita ada lebih baik daripada sesetengah orang. tapi kalau kita nak ada sebaik orang lain pun tak dilarang. orang kata kita tak bahagia sebab kita tak puas hati, kita nak lagi bagus, kita nak lagi kurus lol, tapi kalau tu yang buat kita bahagia, buat kita puas hati, pedulikan apa orang nak kata.

asalkan kita tau jaga diri kita.

kita tau jaga hati orang :)

so,

pendek kan?

what say you hazirah?

HAHA