Not Now

again, i just spent a one hour phone call with my mom. and again, she listened to what i had to say. but this time, i did not try to sound okay. one hour of crying and my eyes hurt but my heart is at ease and my mind is not as cluttered. there is something which has been bothering me lately and i never talked about it to anybody. maybe because nobody ever asks, they no longer care. or maybe because they guess nothing's wrong and everything's okay. i know i'm not the only one, that's also why i never say. everyone has their own shit, i won't bother them anyway plus most don't really care. but i always do, and i won't compare, so just let me in. it actually helps me to forget mine when i listen to people. but now, i just feel lost, in every possible way. i'm lost personally, socially and academically. my peers are stressed out about the future but the present stresses me out even more that i'm not even bothered by the complications we are facing now. i'm bothered about what i face alone. people are always over things, troubles with things don't bother me as much as problems with people do. when i don't think about people, they call me heartless. but when i let myself think, i'm the one who's in tears. it's weird when just the night before i laughed so hard i cried, short of breath, pain in the tummy, aching cheeks, even at things which actually weren't that funny. but tonight, it's the other way around, except i didn't laugh. i began to wonder if it's true, what they say about how those who laugh the hardest, cry the most. but it's too cliche i hate it. i also hate to be the cliche happy-looking girl who's actually miserable. to me if you're sad, show that you're sad or don't show it at all. or else you'll go around feeling special as if you're good at hiding it when all you do is scream through your obvious sad eyes, which means you purposely want people to know. and i hate that. ok whatever. i almost didn't tell my mom what's the matter tonight, but after the first routine phone call, i asked her to call me again. i was in the house, so i had to keep my cool upfront. i went outside for the second phone call, and i lost all calmness. i just broke down. from friends to family, i told her everything. i pity my mom because when i was living with her, i relied on her physically. now when i'm out of the house she must have thought she would get some peace, but instead her teenage daughter starts to depend on her more and more than ever before, emotionally. it's less worse to cry to your mom over the phone, because she can't see you so you can look like crap. if you cry in front of her, you have to pull yourself together. everyday i'm thankful that i still have my mom, because she's the only one i have, she's all that i have, but at times like this i couldn't be more thankful for having mama. i had no choice, i had nobody. i'm sorry. at this moment i feel like she's my only family, she's my only friend. it's not nice, it's not good, i often tell myself not to think about it, not to think of it the bad way, i had to tonight, before the bottle gets overflowed because i can't bottle it up anymore. it's already cracked. i can't help it. maybe it's small, but like everything else you keep to yourself, it gets bigger. i'm going to sit for my final exam in one week, and i can't do it like this. not the best time to feel one of the worst feelings. not this time.