Cos You Had a Blood Day

it was a night when i feel i just wanted to go home, i didn't want to be with people anymore, the same day on which i felt i didn't want to let people in anymore. i just wanted to be alone, physically and emotionally. i was disappointed, mad, and hurt, even because of small things, but people don't see how it's because i've suppressed the big ones. i don't let the big ones get the best of me, but i let the small things get to me. people just don't understand that. something withholding a strong pressure can explode just because of a slight heat. it's true, you can't have unresolved issues.

i called my mom and heck i cried. usually it's only the routine phone call, hey what you're doing, what did you cook today, what's on tv, have you locked the door, good night salam muah muah love you. but that night we spent 30 minutes talking on the phone, and my mom actually listened AND responded, which is quite rare to tell you the truth. she's always too caught up with whatever she's doing back home, or i'm too caught up with whatever i'm doing over here, and it's always the obligatory conversation with a lot of "ahh"s, "oh"s, "hmm"'s. but last night it was a good chat, ranging from my studies, friends, feelings, even jodoh... and marriage. but not my marriage of course. someone else's marriage we talked about while my mother was giving me a lesson on the do's and the don't's, as always, besides her own marriage to babah, which of course, won the award the best marriage ever and i can take her as my role model because of course, she's the best wife ever. and the best mom ever. sure, she's not all the time good, she's only human. but she's my mom and she's the best mom i could ever get for me. although it was only for 30 minutes, but that's good enough compared to our other phone calls because we actually talked, like, talked. not just talked for the sake of talking. maybe because she could hear my voice cracked in the beginning although she couldn't see the tears i swallowed. by the end of the phone call, my voice cracked with laughter. usually when my voice breaks, my mom gives me her attention because she knows i am not about to ramble some random nonsense and although it's not really her thing to listen, comfort and console people, i know she tries when it matters.

perhaps it was just because i lack of blood, since i just donated my blood, but i lack of sleep and food too because prior to and after the blood donation, i didn't really eat or sleep properly. it was a miracle i actually passed the blood pressure and blood count tests. perhaps it was also because of people. but nah.

there was a good thing about the day, though.

alhamdulillah for being healthy enough to donate and for being given another chance to give something back! as a universal dOnOr it's my ObligatiOn tO dOnate my blOOd. lOl. insyaallah pray for my health because i really love doing this, and so i don't have to be the one needing the donation some day. i also really like seeing myself getting poked by a needle and my blood being sucked out through a tube. fascinating....

anyway. a cool story about a chinese nurse. she was the one who made sure i was ready to get up and leave after i was done donating. my right hand had to press a plaster on my left arm, so i couldn't fix my left sleeve which was rolled up. the nurse who seemed to understand that it mattered to me - maybe because i was wearing hand socks - helped me by rolling down my sleeve and pulling up my hand sock that i showed no skin at all between the small space where my right thumb was pressing my left arm. "tutup ini dulu, cover betul-betul" she said, referring to my arm, taking her time when everybody else was busy doing things quickly. idk man i was just touched. idk if that's just what she does to everyone. nice chinese nurse is nice :')

sometimes you see the good in strangers, and you can't see what's bad in your friends.

they make you feel bad, yes, but you can't really pinpoint what it is.

so it's kinda sad if your friends can see the bad in you.
sometimes i feel so out of place.
like i don't really belong.
like a wanderer.

i just want to go home.

it's not the best place in the world, but because

home = my mom

home = privacy

home = alone

home = me,

i just want to go home already.