I'm a Stranger In My Own House

i become that little girl again at twenty. Shaking, sad, mad, scared, trapped. Bound to both heaven and hell for eternity. because you will never leave your home. 

i've come a long way. from feeling worthless to where i was a few hours ago. i've come a long way to regress back to this state. i've come a long way to notice that i can actually never leave. i've been running in circle in and out of this regression but i can't go out of it for good. because some things never change. because some people never change.

i've come to conclude that some people were born with a personality. they can change, according to phases or places, but their personality will remain the same. even if they claim to have changed to be better than who they were, you can expect their attitude and appearance may change, but their personality may not. because it's innate. it has been a part of them for so long that to them it isn't wrong. so they bring that personality wherever they go, whoever they be. as if it's biologically fixed, because they don't change psychologically.

but i will not let this little girl in me be my personality. i have come a long way. i have learned to love life. i have learned to love myself. i have learned to see the good in people. i have learned to see the good in this world. i have learned to have faith. i have learned that i matter, that i am of worth, that i have value, that i am loved.

why do you have to take all that away from me?

i used to feel like a nobody. but this time, why do you have to pin me as the bad guy? what have i ever done wrong? why am i never good enough? what else do i have to be? do i have to be perfect? do i have to be a saint? do i have to be an angel? to be so good? but oh no, you don't want me to be the best. because that's what makes me so bad in the first place doesn't it? and of course, you always know better. you are always better.

and i'm still the worthless kid whose opinion is nothing of value and whose feelings never matter.

but i never knew i was a threat.

if i didn't love myself, oh i would be as bad as you thought of me, even worse than that just to drag you along with me to hell just like you said. but i love myself. and anyone can drag themselves to hell without my help.

is insulting every aspect of me better than beating up every inch of me? everything i've ever done since i was a kid is never right and would influence me to be such a bad person because you're my best role model who oh always stays true to yourself and makes all the best choices aren't you? it used to be what i read, then what i watched, then who i was friends with, now what i say, what i study, where i'm going, everything is wrong and even when i learn about islam it's not right! you even questioned my faith! how does it not make me a real muslim? tell me how the person you were your whole life made you more muslim than i am? i didn't want to touch this issue but you did it first. that's the worst you've ever gone against me in all these years. your verbal abuse is no better than physical abuse. oh i know if you could, you would. you almost. you said it yourself. it's nothing new to you. listen to yourself. you're judgemental and delusional.  you're paranoid and jumud. you're irrational. you're everything i'm against but what people don't know is i've been living with it my whole life. everything you say is questionable. whatever you accuse me of, you do too. whatever you say i am, you are as well. to say the least.

i know my sins. but the shits you throw me with, are not mine. i'm tired of this. it never ends.

i'll never be your equal.

so yeah, talk about me to other people, talk against me. and i should never talk again.

i used to not talk at home, you see. i only talked to my mom. but in the presence of particular people, i became completely silent. because i knew better than to talk and have my words used against me, because why? because i didn't know anything. because age defines maturity and knowledge. because i was stupid. oh no, i was book smart, but that's what made me stupid in everything else because i thought i was such a smartass, right? when in fact i was just a stupid little kid.

so at home i hardly rarely talked to anyone else but my mom. but in the recent years, i changed. i developed my voice. i gained my figure. i became a person. i was more confident, and no longer silent. i share myself with the world, i show the real me to other people. but at home i mostly still talk only to my mom, but i was not afraid anymore to be heard by anybody else. because i believed people change. i began to believe that blood is thicker than water. i began to believe that we were getting better. but i was wrong.

this is my mom too. that was my dad too. why don't i feel like i belong? babah babah babah, with each breathe, i wished you were here. i knew it would be better if you were here. mama, thank god you are here. this is my home. this is my house. why am i the one who has to hide? why am i the one who has to leave?

i've been wanting to leave since i was a kid, not simply because i was ambitious. i wanted to stay in a boarding school and to study in another country not for that sole reason only. there's more to it than that. but now i can't leave because it will bring out the worst of me? are you serious? are you kidding me? don't you even know me? yes! you never know me! you have no idea who i am... at all. and you don't even want to know.

they say if you want to marry somebody, ask about them to their family. well in my case, don't. because what you will hear about me from them will make you flee. but it's good for you to flee, because nobody wants to marry this family.

the worst thing is when your family sees you as a stranger and strangers know you better.

yesterday, out of the blue, i got this.

i knew it's the truth, good things have to be shared because people love to share bad things. 

i've experienced it. and it's proven again today. but this time, not by a friend, not by an enemy.

now i just stare at this message, thinking how strange that strangers see me in such a good way.

maybe they don't really see me? no. i will not be that little girl. i have come a long way just to doubt myself.

but now i know that's how you see me. i wish you never have to see me again.

my mom wiped my tears and rubbed my back and patted my head and brushed my hair and touched my cheek throughout the day. she doesn't normally do this. only when something happens. i became that little girl, as if years haven't passed. she said don't bother what he says, because he isn't that good anyway and he was worse and he thought we didn't know. she said something else she has been saying from the very beginning and until now never stops saying. she said nothing is wrong with me, as long as i take care of my prayers. nothing is wrong with me. i try to make that echo in my head, silencing all my doubts and demons.

she's the only reason i still go home. she's the reason hell feels like heaven.
so you see now why i actually only really care about my mom?

my dad gave me courage. my mom gives me strength.
without my dad, everything has happened. without my mom, i don't know what would happen.
so alhamdulillah. and nauzubillah.

i didn't want to become a writer simply because i wanted to write. i didn't want to write simply because i loved it. it was my way to let things out. it was my way to tell my story without talking about me. want to know what's my first mental novel about about ten years ago? it's about a girl who left home.

i never really talk about my family to anybody. because i still love my family and i know them better despite what i know. i am the only one who gets to judge them because i am a part of them. but other people might misjudge and i don't want that. so blurting out all this on a public blog, i'm so screwed and messed up. but oh well. welcome to my life. this is reality. learn from my story.

for a girl who wants to love, i have so much hate.

oh Allah please take it all away. please.

i'm okay. if i'm not, i will be okay. thank you.

Twenty and Thankful :)

it's my birthday today, and my birthday present i give myself is... i'm at home!

i've been planning this since last week? last two weeks? what i wanted for my birthday was a day of doing nothing, a day to chill and relax, a day to run away from reality. so i planned to skip class today and tomorrow. class wasn't supposed to be on this week, the lecturers are busy marking trial papers, and all i do if i go to class is everything else except study. so... why not? but in light of the latest information from an informer, i might as well extend this short escape this whole week! muehehe.

yes i just got back from kl to shah alam on sunday night with my bro. yes right after class on monday afternoon i went back to kl again on my own. yes it's crazy. but that's what i wanted to do, so that's what i did. although before that there was some unexpected unwanted incident in which i was being followed by someone i would rather not be seen with... but it's all good. i got back home as planned. after two hours of commuting. after only some hours in shah alam. i was home again. 

today, i woke up in the morning in my own bed, not having to get up and go to class, and it felt good.

but everything else was just okay. or bad, i don't know. but the best was it was okay. the worst was the "ended" of MH370. i shed tears at some points throughout the day because of it. it already started the night before when "ended" gave a whole new meaning but at the same time, the meaning was unknown. i never stop following the updates, i make sure i never miss anything. you could talk to me about it over a cup of coffee or a glass of ice tea and we'd have to refill because i won't stop talking. i will cite what i read from somewhere and tell what i heard from somebody. perhaps another post for this.

that's all i did too, on my birthday. i followed the updates. like i've been doing for more than two weeks. because i care about the case. and maybe because if i didn't do that, i had nothing else to do, and if i wasn't sad about it, i'd be sad about me.

but i lost it anyway. no matter how indulged you are in the lives of others, you can never really escape yours.

i guess i just have to get used to it. that every year, i will be sad on my birthday. the sooner i deal with it, the sooner it stops. let it out, don't have to keep it in. it's not gonna work, it's gonna come out anyway. so let it be. then live on.

what's weird was i didn't feel all this ten years ago. when did it start? last year? last two years? last three? i don't know. but it started and it won't stop. at least, it didn't this year. the last birthday i spent here. which made me sadder because today was just like the previous years, even less, as if i'd be around next year. but then again if i would, it's not like it would be any different, wouldn't it?

for most part of the day i was asking myself what am i doing? nothing.

should i have stayed in shah alam? no.

i feel distant, so i distant myself.

i didn't leave shah alam on my birthday simply to spend it in kl. it's not like i celebrate my birthday here, or have anything special. it's really just like any other day, even less than that maybe. but at least it's better than being in akasia, i assume. or because i didn't want to know if it would be better or worse, that's why i prefer being at home. at least i already know how it always is.

and even then, some sadness just can't disappear.

it's gonna be the same anywhere anyway. so at least at home it will be less worse, if not better.

after i was done being sad for myself, i resumed being sad for the ended flight.

it puts things in perspective, especially on a birthday, doesn't it?

i am luckier than those on board. i am way luckier than those who have loved ones on board.

if i think of what i should have, i'll never feel full. but when i think of what i do have, i'll always feel thankful. thank you Allah. to be alive and to have those i love alive, are more than enough. thank you all for all your wishes.

i appreciate wishes for my year and my life, rather than my day. because i might have "happiness" and "success" and "blessings" and "joy", but i'm not having "fun" or "a blast". 

then again, it reminds me, why is it so important to have a meaningful day in a year when you already have a meaningful life? why does my life have to be based on how good my birthday is when i have many other good days throughout these twenty years? why do i have to mind about what people do for me on my birthday when people have done so much for me on other days? why do i have to bother what i get today when i've already got a lot?

this personal holiday isn't even the only birthday gift i gave myself this year. but at least i can give myself what i want, right?

i have to be thankful for my life, rather than for my birthday, right? there's a lot to be thankful for! :)

anyway, if one year is an indicator of anything, it indicates how much things have changed. what day is better for you to realize what is different between then and now than your birthday? i have changed. people have changed. i just wonder what year will it be when i can count on the constant from then on.

and i hope the constant i have now, will still be here in many years. that's my birthday wish and daily prayers.

so this is me 20 years ago :)

thanks to my mom for giving birth to me and my dad for making sure i was not swapped with other babies by following me from the delivery room to the baby nursery until i was tagged with that pink card to make sure i'm his and it didn't end up like some malay drama hehe :')

like any other day, today is ordinary. but today, i'm twenty :)

it's something big, isn't it?

My Mom Never Tells Me Not To Be Friends With Anybody

what i like about my mom is - ok fine, one of the things i love about my mom is she never tells me not to befriend anyone.

i've had many types of  friends with many kinds of experiences. but whoever they were, or whatever they did, my mom never once said "jangan kawan dengan dorang" or "takyahlah kawan dengan budak camtu". not ever. not even once.

because my mom didn't judge them. i've gone through many phases myself, to be fair. and one of the phases was i was judgemental. i hated myself for that. that was a part of me i am ashamed of. i was 13-14. i didn't hate my friends, i never thought of not being friends anymore, but still, i looked at them in a different way. i talked about them in a different way. as if what they did or who they were was so wrong. even if it was, i shouldn't have done that. i didn't really badmouth them, i didn't talk that badly about them. but to this day it still feels wrong. not them. not what they did. but what i did. me.

i realize about this whenever other parents tell their children not to be friends with anyone.

it occurs to me "but my mom never does that."

i've heard other parents telling their children not to be friends with someone just because that kid had a crush and talked about her crush. hello? i've had friends who had boyfriends when we were in primary school! did i have a boyfriend too just because i was surrounded by such friends? no! mind you, this is not me being saint, it was just my principle. that at 11/12 it was laughable to have a boyfriend no matter how much we liked each other. at least to me, i wouldn't stick on myself that label. even then, i had crushes, and i talked about them. so what? did it make me kinky? even if i did have a boyfriend, so what? am i that dirty?

if i say i have a boyfriend now or something of that sort, does your perception of me magically change? if so, goodbye. 

please, please, please, get this parasitic prejudice out of your head.

come on, don't tell me you've never at least had a crush? pfft. this is what happens when adults forget how it's like to be kids and teenagers. we all have our phases. be there with your children in each phase instead of stopping them to enter any or telling them to skip some. that's the only way you lead them down the road without them going astray.

i'll never forget the day when my high school friends came to my house for raya. we were 14. when they left, my bro said they were all good girls. why? because "semua pakai tudung." excuse me? applying deductive reasoning, does it mean if i had free-haired friends, i made bad choices? that they were bad girls? excuse me? did you just oversimplify people? did you just base your whole judgement on hijab? did you just overgeneralize all hijabists as good girls? so what about my friends who came beraya two years earlier? they didn't wear tudung. so they were bad girls? i made bad choices? i was friends with bad people?

what made me mad was the fact that i knew my friends. that i knew how to make choices. and even if i did make bad choices in choosing friends, it didn't mean i would become bad as well.

little did my brothers know that, now, many years later, those free-haired friends are getting better at covering their aurah and getting better as muslims as a whole, and that some of those hijab-wearing friends have done things they would be surprised to know a hijabist would do. but nevermind, that's their lives. however, something concerning my life is that some of them, have hurt me, betrayed me, oh and stolen my money by lying to me. and many others. but nevermind, as long as they wore hijab, right?

my mom? she never cared about all this.

whenever i told my mom about anything my friends did which was bad to the old-judgemental-me, she always said only one and one thing only. she told me not to be like them. because don't be like people who you talk about. that's all. she didn't say that because she warned me not to do anything against her wishes. she said that because she advised me not to eat my own spit. 

now when i'm reminded about it, it reminds me of a hadeeth which states that we won't die unless we've committed the same sin we backbite about.

my mom might not have said it based on this hadeeth, and even if this hadeeth doesn't exist, it's true nevertheless. fyi, one doesn't need to study religion and law and moral to have common sense. my mom said it simply on the basis: jangan jadi macam dia, sebab kita dah cakap pasal dia. biasanya kita jadi macam orang yang kita cakapkan. jadi jangan mengata orang, takut jadi sama macam dia. senang je logik mak aku.

true enough, years later.... i haven't exactly been like those i once talked about, but i have changed my mind about them. i have changed my mind about their actions. that i could be the one doing it, that i even would, too.

i'm proud of my mom for being wise. for not judging. for being neutral. whatever i told her, she didn't really react to it. she just listened. then told me "asalkan tak jadi macam dorang."

people change. my friends change. i change. so why do you let one action change your perception of the person? even perceptions change. nothing remains the same.

i showed this to my mom and she laughed at the cartoon mom's hair

"kelakar rambut mak dia. tu mak dia boleh je rambut pendek"

"maaa!"

i don't let my mom have typical old people short haircut lol

then she saw this

"tu dia buat apa pulak dengan mak dia? comey" and she laughed

my mom is so cute :")

what i learn from my mom, i learn from observation. because she does it. not because she tells me to. maybe her ways work with me, because i'm quite a rebel. i don't do things i'm told to do. i do things without being told to, what i see people do. religion, law, moral, i do what i see my mom does. i guess i grew up quite well. although at the beginning, i was quite a lot to handle.

wearing tudung? my mom didn't tell me to do that. i didn't really want to do that either. but at 11, i did because of some reasons. at that time i had this difficult relationship with one of my bros. so one day when he saw me wearing tudung, he said "kan bagus macam ni pakai tudung." the next day, i went out not wearing tudung. and i made sure he saw me. hah. i was trying to make a point. the point was i don't do things because you tell me to! plus at that time i hated him, so i didn't want him to think that i did it because he wanted me to do it. i didn't want him to 'win', no matter how stupid that was. i do what i do, because i want to.

even until now. i do what i do, because i want to. not because people tell me to. not because that's what my friends do. to me i have my own identity. that is why my choice of friends do not define me. i have befriended all types of people with all kinds of experiences. i was even in 'mean girls' group and later in 'good girls' group. but i was still my own person. not to say that i'm such a good girl, it's just that i'm not easily influenced. if i do something bad, that's my own decision. 

i once thought about parents who told their children not to be friends with anyone, and then i thought about my mom who never does that, and i felt so overwhelmed i almost cried. my mom is such a nice person.

it's only up to her children to make the best out of that, or take advantage of that.

the only time my mom tells me not to befriend anybody is if befriending them makes me mad or sad.


my mom knows my friends who are worth knowing. girls and guys. my mom never forbids me from being friends with boys. boys used to come to rumah for beraya. they can even come now and my mom doesn't have any problem with it. the problems are: 1. i have poyo bros. 2. i don't feel like letting them come myself. because malas nak layan. lol. and because YOU have problems with me, how do you even dare to show your face up my front door? man i'm not gonna invite you to my wedding let alone my house. bam.

jadi laki jangan pepandai la datang rumah aku tetiba tak bagitau. kalau aku tak bukak pintu sebab aku taknak tengok muka kau, jangan salahkan aku. lagipun adab bertandang kena bagitau dulu. reti?


when i was 13-14, i was judgemental because i was just exposed to syeikh google and imam internet... you get me? i read everything on the internet and i accepted it without questioning, without checking with other sources, without applying it in reality. so i also became worried and unrealistic. it affected me to the point i once cried because i thought "why is it so hard to live? why am i living in sins? how to get away from this all?" i expressed my concern to my mom and she said "buat biasa je. sekarang baru sekolah, belum belajar belum kerja. nanti macam mana? jadi sederhana je." she was realistic. don't do anything that's wrong, but not everything is wrong. now, that's what i'm doing. i didn't listen to my mom, but i learnt it from experience. yes, true. there are limitations in this life, but it doesn't limit you from living. i guess i'm okay. not tied, not wild. living my life.



maybe my mom and i do make a good team. her ways happen to work well with mine. had another girl been her daughter, maybe it would have caused chaos. i could have misused my mom's trust all the time, but i didn't. not because i'm such a good daughter and didn't want to betray her, but simply because i just don't feel like doing such things. all those evenings stayback kat sekolah? boleh je pergi merempit kuar dating ke apa. pastu pegi sekolah balik tunggu mak datang ambik. all those night classes kat sekolah yang aku tak pernah pergi sebab katanya masalah transportasi dan sebab sebenarnya malas nak pergi? boleh je ambik kesempatan sebab ada pulak yang bersedia jadi bodyguard hantar pergi balik. but i wasn't that innocent either. i just never went that far.

yeah, my mother knew the bodyguard. lol. mama never gave red light. she just said "asalkan jangan lebih-lebih." know what to do and what not to do. that's what she answered when i asked her about it, not that i ever changed the tittle bodyguard to bo- something else. and that's when i was in school. now that i'm out of school, she gave me green light. lulz. more on that later :3

one more thing my mom always tells me no matter what i do or who i be or who i was worried that i would be, is this: "asalkan jangan tinggal solat." perform your prayers and everything else should be okay. don't worry too much. perform your prayers and you won't go astray.


rather than reminding me about what type of friends i can/cannot be friends with, my mom always reminds me about what type of person i have to be. that it's all me. she doesn't put the blame or the praise on my friends, she puts it all on me. that if i do something wrong, i am to be blamed. if i do something right, i am to be praised. i don't know if that's her intention, but that's how i know that i decide my own definition. i develop my own identity. regardless of where i am and who i am with. which is good. which is genius.

i'm trying to listen without judging, know without assuming, talk without accusing. even if i do, i try not to talk about it, keep it to myself, and brush it off, thinking i don't know any better and i am not any better and i could be worse in the past and i could do worse in the future. the thing is, i like to gossip. lol. yeah yeah i know it's not good. but i try not to slander or bitch about the subject, i just talk about it matter-of-factly. because sometimes listening and knowing and talking about people is fun, hahah k.

which reminds me of a couple of days ago. an ustaz on tv said "nak tengok camne jodoh kita, tengok ibunya dulu."

i said "my mom is perfecto. so i'm pun perfecto." ma laughed. hehe i'm not perfect at all but my mom kind of is, so ok la kan? lolol.


this is one of the reasons why i love my mom so much, if loving your mom ever needs a reason. she's not judgemental. she trusts her children, it's up to us what to do with that trust. she doesn't tell me "don't do this, don't do that" apart from religious obligations. i don't know why, either she knows how her daughter is, what type of person i am and what kind of things i do, or she just trusts me despite the reality of modern day daughters.

whatever it is, it means a lot to me. because it shows that she knows her daughter.

she knows i know myself better than to have such a fragile self-concept easily shaken by my peers.

insyaallah.

this is why my mom is the best mother for me, our ways work well and that's what matters.

alhamdulillah :)

Red For Ma

thursday was my mom's birthday.

my birthday wish for my mom was a looong one. what i typed was what i sent, no edit or censorship whatsoever. it was honest, real, and... raw? i typed until i had nothing left to say. the sms ended up to be an mms instead and it took a while to be sent.

i almost cried writing it, lulz. the next morning after subuh i called my mom, i told her i would. i asked her if she cried, to which she replied, after a moment of hesitance "mmm sikit". i made my mom cry! that's a new level unlocked! and this time, for a good reason! hahaha. k. i told her she wouldn't be crying "a bit" if she were to read what i wrote about her on my blog :)

so on thursday i went out with my bro. before i bought something for my mom, i bought something(s) for me first. hehehe. i went to cala qisya. hehehe.

my friends call me duta cala qisya. probably because i was the first one among us to wear maggie shawl. and i don't think at that time i saw anyone else wearing cala qisya at intec... might have missed it. cala qisya is a very well known brand, people are gonna buy the products anyway, but after i started wearing it girls have been asking me things like "shawl ama cantik-cantik. mana beli?" now a couple of my friends have started being cala queens and i'd like to think thanks to me! lol. i swear girls look at me longer than they should, especially in the ladies. contemplating whether to ask me or not. huehue perasan. just a couple of days ago a stranger asked me where did i buy my shawl. so i explained that she could buy it online or go to the store and where the store is and how much it costs...

i should get paid. totally should. i should be the duta. or the model. and get free stuffs. yeah.

if you look closely i was wearing four slightly different styles. and i just figured out a whole different style :3

the last picture on the right is the shawl i just bought, along with other unworn two colours :3

and if you look closely i am just the type of human being with eye bags as part of me.

so don't look closely.

ok what was this post even about.


the next day, i went back home! but i went to jj first, to buy some other thing for my mom. then i went to secret recipe to buy red velvet for her. usually i bought her other cakes, this red velvet replaced another cake at the last minute. i have my own cute reason for it, hehe. my back seriously ached as i was backpacking the whole day. despite already having lunch i ordered a slice of cake for me, just to have a reason to rest at the restaurant.

i think this is the first time i bought a card and presents for my mom on my own. before this if i ever wrote on birthday cards, it's the ones bought by my bros. my family isn't really much for giving gifts and celebrating birthdays after babah's gone, so that explains a lot why i'm not good with gifts and birthdays. it still happens but it's not a big thing anymore. not that my mom minds, she's got everything she could possibly get in the past, and she's just not that type who cares. but i care for her regardless. even though i myself stopped receiving gifts from family years ago, and i never mind not getting any. my bros being bros and i haramized my mom from giving me anything. i already have a lot to be thankful for :)

but i always wish i knew better how to handle these situations. i didn't know what to buy for her, but i do know her favourite colour. so i bought everything red! red cake, red things. hehe, i tried. i once bought my mom a pen, from kedai buku sekolah rendah, and was reluctant to give it to her. kesian. could you cry. i bought my mom a pen from school. let it be known that at that time i wasn't close to her, so i felt awkward handing her an awkward gift. i felt even more awkward wishing her. so i just handed it to her and left. after i started becoming close to her, i wanted to give her everything in the world and the universe but i didn't have the means. but now, now i can go wherever i want on my own and buy whatever i want for her :)

and i make it a point not to just do that on special days. i do that on any day i can.

like i posted on fb,

tolong jangan berkira dengan mak bapak kita. masa, duit, tenaga. ni bukan pasal tak terkira duit dan tenaga dorang yang dorang dah korbankan untuk kita. ni pasal masa kita dengan mak bapak kita yang kita taktau sampai bila kita boleh kira. 

it's not about what they've done for us, it's about what we can do for them 

no matter how much more capable your parents are doing things for you than you them. this applies to everyone, regardless of your parents' capability. if you can't lessen their burden, don't be their burden. no matter how light you are as a burden. in other words, don't be a brat.

get it? okay good.

when i went home, tadaaa!

my mom said thanks. even after she looked at the presents, even after she read the card.

"tu je reaction ma?" and i laughed.

if i were her i would have said a lot more, but that's only me.

i know my mom and i love her just the way she is :)

Kak Nurlin's Wedding and The Secret Since 2011

TIBALAH MASA UNTUK BERITAHU DUNIA APA AKU DAH TAHU SEJAK SEKIAN LAMA.

jeng jeng jenggggg

sebelum tu kita bukak mukadimah dulu. blog gossip pun ada mukadimah, jangan over sangat ye ama.

bismillah (cey dan dan).

tadi aku pergi wedding pertama aku! bukan bermaksud aku kahwin kali pertama, tak ok tak. maksudnya wedding pertama yang aku dijemput untuk perginya (read: the first wedding i was invited to). lol bm apakah itu. sebelum ni kalau pergi mesti mak tetamu utamanya. ".... dan keluarga." tu pun kalau pergi la, haha. tapi kalini aku yang diundang! haruslah datang!

wedding tersebut ialah wedding kak nurlin :")

OK NAK BAGITAU SEKARANG KE NANTI. NANTI LAH. TUNGGUUU. STAY TUNEEED.

dua minggu sebelum trial a-level, aku dapat satu notification di fb. bukak noti tu. OMG OMG OMG!!!

JEMPUTAN KE MAJLIS WALIMATULURUS KAK NURLIN DAN SUAMI!

i swear i screamed or something in front of the laptop screen.

terus tekan maybe. baru cek tarikh. alamak. lepas trial ke masa trial ke sebelum trial? cek ngan kelasmet. bebetul lepas trial! alhamdulillah! terus tekan going hahaha. serius aku excited gila.

taktau kenapa reaksi aku sedemikian rupa waktu tu. mungkin sebab excited senior nak kawen? mungkin sebab first wedding invitation aku dapat even via fb tapi nanti kak nurlin hantar kad? mungkin sebab cita-cita untuk pergi wedding sesiapa sebelum fly tercapai? mungkin sebab aku memang suka konsep seprais orang takde cakap apa tetiba je bagitau nak kawen segala? mungkin sebab aku dah lumrahnya dikenali sebagai cepat terharu, teruja aka over? atau mungkin...... sebab aku dah tau? because i knew? muehehehe stay tuneeed. tungguuu.

lepas comment kat sini, baru kak nurlin pm cakap dia suruh aku ajak perempuan. punyalah semangat aku mengajak mereka yang dimaksudkan. lagipun orang dah jemput kan? aku pulak memang plan nak buat reunion terus nanti kat majlis tu hahaha. tapi ramai yang busy atau kat luar negeri, ada jugak yang segan la sebab kak nurlin tak kenal dia la apa la.

last-last muka ni jugak je yang ada

muka ni.

terima kasih muka ni kerana datang dari upm menemaniku menjadi wakil dan mungkin... mencari inspirasi?

gambar sebelum ke majlis. dah sampai dah destinasi. tapi tak sampai ke majlis lagi. sebab segan nak mati. ya Allah sumpah. kalau cerita kat sini apa kitorang lalui lagi segan haha so baik takyah cerita. kita skip terus ke bahagian di mana kitorang sampai ke majlis ye.

part tu pun still segan sebenarnya. sebab tak sampai lagi sebenarnya. kitorang jalan kat atas daripada belakang dah nampak kak nurlin dan suami (aww!) duduk kat meja makan beradab. FANGIRLING! lepastu jalan je kat tepi dari jauh memerhati dan..... kak nurlin boleh pulak nampak kitorang. dahlah time tu aku tengah nak tangkap gambar dia. bayangkan tangkap gambar dari atas dari jauh. agak creepy. bapak paparazzi. pastu kitorang gelak janggal ok lek lek buat cool buat selamber jom pegi je fuh fuh. nervous macam aku pulak yang nak pegi akad nikah.

ye lah mana tak nervous! kitorang dua orang je kot! tak kenal sesiapa! segan dengan geng senior!

kitorang turun bawah, masuk bawah khemah, lambai2 kak nurlin dari jauh lol. pastu kak liyana izyan datang, kata kak nurlin suruh kitorang makan dulu. "kak nurlin cakap kesian korang segan." k.

masa makan, rombongan cikgu2 pun tiba! rombongan pertama dok kat meja kitorang. rombongan kedua yang datang kemudian dok meja lain. puan norliah duduk sebelah saya hihi. kami pun bersembang dan... bergambar.

"cikgu, jom tangkap gambar."

"ok. wassap cikgu tau"

sepanjang makan, usha je kak nurlin dan suami dari jauh. nak tangkap gambar ngan dorang tapi segan tsk. nak poyo kat blackboard tu ngan props tapi pemalu tsk. last-last menyelit masuk rombongan cikgu-cikgu tangkap gambar hahahah. pastu barulah ada peluang untuk tangkap gambar berempat je.

WEHOOO! 

after the photo was taken, me and hajer while looking at it

haz: why are we so..... midget

me: how are we ever gonna get married like this

tekanan perasaan jap.

kalau boleh nak duduk lama lagi, pekena cendol second round kaa. tapi taktau nak lepak mana, sebab majlis ni buat dalam masjid. best kan? senang je. bak kata haz, "simple yet perfect wedding." tapi insyaallah saya boleh tunggu lagi dan dengan penantian ini ada tempat lain yang diidamkan hihi. i get it. once you really want marriage, you don't care about anything else, as long as you're married. sekarang ni bolehlah dream wedding bagai, but when you come to that point, the only dream you'll have is just to get married and nothing else matters. cey.

sebab taktau nak dok mana and buat apa dahlah berdua je, kami pun mintak diri dulu. kak nurlin tanya eh nak balik dah? ye kak sorry sobs. bila dah sampai rumah baru terfikir. dah apa masalah tak duduk je dalam masjid tadi? ambikla wuduk solat ke apa lepakla sampai petang boleh jumpa tetamu lain boleh tengok kak nurlin potong kek boleh tangkap gambar pengantin! masjid tempat paling convenient kot!!! tsk.

sebelum balik, kita sambung sesi bergambar... berdua.

tumpang lalu

 

self-explanatory.

dah lama aku tak menggedik camni. malu. bila jumpa hazirah je jadi camni balik. hahaha.

it means you bring out the real me! even the best of me! awww

dah tu je bye.

ok kidding.

kita telah sampai ke kemuncak post ini!!!

ke korang dah blah. penangan selfie tadi takde sape sanggup tunggu lagi.

ok cerita dia camni. 

ini apa yang aku blog dalam satu post aku tahun 2013 dulu.

"sama la macam sorang lagi senior aku ni. aku kan stalker. tapi aku stalk dia dulu untuk tau perkembangan hidup dia, jadi motivasi study. tetiba terjumpa sesuatu. dia tak hebah benda ni, tapi kengkawan dia memang dah heboh lah. dia dah jumpa bakal suami rupanya. aku panggil bakal suami sebab term pakwe tu tak kena, akak ni baik-baik alim-alim sikit. kang kalau aku cakap pakwe kang mulala korang stereotype macam dak-dak bercinta zaman sekarang. kalau cakap pasal kawan aku pun (pandang... eh) aku sebut bakal suami sebab aku tak suka orang salah faham kawan aku. aku tau dia camne. 

berbalik kpd akak tu, insyaallah ada jodoh. sesuai serba serbi aku tengok. laki tu pun aku dah stalk. eh. memula agak terkejut, sebab orang ingat dia robot jugak kot. tapi aku memahami dia, jadi aku tau dia manusia yang juga punya rasa ceyyy. masa aku chat ngan dia aku cakapla aku tau pasal ni. dia tak deny pun, gegelak lagi. sah ni sah. comel tengok dorang bersweet-sweetan dalam keselamberan sebagai kawan, esp bila orang ejek dorang. paling comel dorang guna kau/aku. OMAGAD COMELNESS OVERLOAD! itulah benda yang aku mahu sejak dulu, tahu? aku nak bakal laki bukan nak teman laki eww. cakap kau/aku. kawan cam biasa, lek lek je. padahal dalam hati. padahal brader tu memang nak kawen ngan akak ni. awww!

ok ama cukup ni blog kau ke blog gossip ni."

seprais, seprais!!! akak tu ialah kak nurlin! *mercun meletup bunga api boom boom paw di langit*

aku akan cerita apa yang aku rasa takpe untuk cerita kat sini. lagipun blog ni sape je lagi baca. kak nurlin pun tak baca dah. kengkawan dia pun tak baca dah. kengkawan aku pun tak baca dah. dulu zaman sekolah bukan main semua saling blogwalking, comment sini comment sana dengan senior sekali, comel je. sekarang semua dah busy. aku pun dah tak baca blog orang, apetah lagi dorang. so takpe kot... heheh.

alkisahnya, 2011. satu hari menjelang spm. aku sedar yang aku patut study tapi tak cukup sedar diri lagi. hidup sungguh lek masa banyak dibazirkan depan komputer. jadi alang-alang dah online, aku bukak fb kak nurlin. sebab masa tu kak nurlin dah dapat straight A, tengah buat A-level, tinggal nak fly je. untuk jadi semangat aku stalk dia. walaupun dia dua kali lima aku je sebenarnya: suka tidur, selalu tidur, geng tidur lah senang kata. tapi takpe, asalkan dia dah berjaya.

stalk untuk cari motivasi study, tapi motivasi lain pulak yang aku jumpa. hahaha. sejak tu aku dah tau apa yang orang boleh tau dari segala apa yang ada kat internet untuk diketahui. ok sorry kak dan suami. tak sengaja terbukak tetiba dah tau banyak pulak lol. skill stalking aku boleh buat aku tau macam2. bukan pasal benda yang aku memang nak cari je, tapi benda yang aku tak sengaja jumpa pun aku boleh gali dalam2.

you think you can hide something from me? think again. but don't worry, normally i only stalk people if i have strong reasons. takdelah tetiba nak ceroboh privacy orang sesaje. only if it involves me and it's important to me. kengkawan aku sendiri pun aku tak stalk, unless somehow God wants to show it to me and let me find something without even looking for it. kengkawan lagi la aku tak stalk, because to me if they want to tell me something, they will. beyond that, it's personal. takyah la nak stalk2 sebab nak tau hidup kawan sendiri. please have a shred of respect. btw, stalk in this sense is searching for something, not reading a public blog or scrolling down a public profile. ok end of it.

sekali lagi sorry kak nurlin dan suami. hehe. tapi aku tak bagitau sesiapa. in fact, aku ada cakap kat kak nurlin aku tau pasal ni. dia suruh doakan dorang. manelah tak terharu teruja bila tau dorang nak nikah akhirnya! i knew it! i knew it's her jodoh! but i kept it to myself!

ok aku mungkin ada terbagitau hazirah. hahaha. tapi sumpah tak bagitau sesape dah, sampailah tau dia nak nikah baru aku bagitau kengkawan lain pasal ni. haz and i almost don't have boundaries sooo.

BEAUTIFUL

(kak syaza i assume you don't mind me stealing this picture? haha sorry but i really love it! you always know how to capture the moments. wish i was there so i could see it myself and meet you for the first time! cepatla kawen so kita boleh jumpa!!!)

memang sangat best tengok dorang dulu :) almost perfect love story, to me. she kinds of get what i want, you know? how casual they were. but at the same time not dismissing any feeling. still showed appreciation, although not affection. not being in denial or not not admitting it. how their friends and family make fun of them all the time it's actually funny, but they're cool about it. sweet senyap-senyap. upload and post things meaningless to others but meaningful to each other. let those who knew, know. the only ones who knew i guess were kak nurlin's family and her bro-in-law-to-be, one of her close friends from school, and her friends from her prep college. 

they met at prep college while doing a-level btw. kind of like 'the plan' at this level. meet now, marry five years later, pour exemple. because i can't imagine myself marrying someone i don't really know and someone i don't know long enough. but oh well. i don't like to plan or to make the plan happen. i'd rather let it be the plan, without planning it. if the plan hasn't started now, it's okay. at least i'm not bounded to anything or anybody and i can explore whatever or whoever i want. it's okay. long way to go, lot of people to meet. if it has, then all the better! hahahah kbai.

the best part of the almost perfect love story? the surprise wedding. ramai yang terkejut gila even geng kak nurlin masa sekolah dulu. kind of like what i wish mine will be. tetiba je bagitau nak kawen. or better yet, tetiba je dah kawen. hazirah kata tak best la camtu. "eh bestlah!....... what's with me and secret life though." seriously. aku kalau boleh nak fly pun diam2. tetiba je upload selfie kat sana. kalau boleh nak nikah pun diam2. tetiba je upload selfie bersama. aww hahaha. serious best. tu cara aku berkomunikasi dengan dunia kot, upload selfie. LOL. but no la. in all seriousness, aku jenis tak suka kecoh2 kecah2. tak suka beday pun nak bising, fly pun nak reramai, lambat lagi nak kawen pun dah tayang satu dunia. i keep it low, yo.

dulu, kak nurlin ada blog pasal something. something berkenaan perasaan. yang dia pun ada perasaan jugak. yang dia jadi sedih bila orang tanya dia soalan2 berkaitan tu. dia pun teringin jugak. tersentuh lak. ok jangan pelik k kenapa aku ingat bebenda ni. tetiba je teringat. ini dalam psychology namanya flashbulb memory. something you retain and recall due to the emotions or its significance. dahla kak nurlin bukan salu blog pasal personal life dia pun. selalu family, friends, study. semua aku suka baca, especially pasal family. to me her family seems like the perfect family with each of them having their own identity. seronok baca. sekali kuar post perasaan camtu. takpe kak, now you've got all the answers :)

awal tahun ni masa beday kak nurlin, ternampak ada orang wish something like "may your preparation for your big day go smoothly." big day?! preparation?! taktau apa yang berlaku, aku wish je kak nurlin with a tiny hint of double meaning hehehe. sebelum tu ada nampak kak nurlin share satu quote ni yang aku pernah share... kak nurlin jarang berfb. jadi mungkin quote ni ada makna tersendiri. let me put it this way... quote tu buat aku tak expect yang this love story will end in marriage. but it did! alhamdulillah :)

mungkin sebab makna quote tu pada aku lain, tapi lain pada kak nurlin. sobs lulz.

tabs: MH370-related and online shopping stores. priorities.

honestly, this was what kept me going through trial. because i had something to look forward to. i was so pumped up thinking just do it, get it over with, then you can go home and go to the wedding! probably this is the reason why i didn't die hahah.

actually, sebelum fly - insyaallah - dalam wishlist aku, aku nak pergi wedding sesiapa kawan aku. sebab aku tau, bila aku fly nanti tah-tah ada yang kawen masa aku kat sana. menganga dari jauh la jawabnya. kalau ada yang kahwin sebelum aku fly, dapatla merasa nasi minyak member. at least tunang la. dapatla berkongsi detik bahagia. ceh. serius teringin sangat. but... at this age and at this rate, haha, i don't think any of my friends will get married soon. but out of the blue, kak nurlin got married and i got to go to the wedding. jadi lah kan? dapat merasa :)

so who's next? :3

Trivial vs Trial

if you did that one thing differently, if you took the chance right in front of your eyes, imagine what could have been. just imagine. now imagination is all we have.

look up. look straight. look ahead. that's all it takes. one second of recognition. but no, of course you don't do that.

and tonight, i went extra mile just to not be seen by somebody, and just to see somebody. you would go any mile when you're running away from something, and running after something. life is hard when expectation isn't aligned with reality. however unrealistic, just do what makes you happy. at least you are happy. however simplistic. because there are many other things that weigh you down, however heavy, however deep. so what's wrong with looking for a bit of feeling light and being high?

after miles and miles, in the end there's a friend with whom you don't have to hide, you don't have to pretend.

  

uncensored cut version of our separate conversations.
from tonight and some other night.
yeah, he's my friend. a good one.

we don't do this often, unlike in senior year, but when we do talk privately and personally, i feel like i have a guy friend again. a real one. well, at least not the forbidden friendship kind. imagine letting someone see much of your real self you don't reveal to most people but you can't even be seen together in real life. that one's tough, this one's easy. he always tries to understand my situations even when his are way different, and that's cool. that's awesome even. we've only been friends for four years. wait, no, that's actually a long time considering the circumstances. i can't even keep a friend for two years nowadays. people fight, people fall apart. he and i fought and fell apart once too, but not really, but kinda, but i understood his situation back then. now here we are. we actually still talk. whenever he posts random irrelevant sarcastic shits on my posts. whenever he pm me for real life issues or just for "hey how are you". we still talk. real talk, superficial talk. just talking is good enough for me, because honestly, i've stopped expecting anything from anybody.

on a different note, i'll be sitting for a-level trial in one day.

okay.