Deep Rooted Issues

I don't really think or talk about it, so i believe i'm okay. But once something happens, no matter how small, it triggers the switch in me, and all hell breaks loose. Deep rooted issues. nobody can help me. I can't help myself. It's not something people can see. I'm not a drug addict. I'm not a whore. I'm not a depressed person contemplating suicide every now and then. I seem normal. But sometimes, at times like this, i know i'm not. Something is wrong with me. But i can't be fixed. That's why deep inside i think nobody can love me and i can't love anybody, i know i only love my mom and only my mom loves me. and that's only because she's my mom. She has to love me. i'm her daughter and however bad i am, she loves me because mothers are just programmed that way. she's the only one who's seen the real me, and i don't mind whatever she thinks of me because thank God for this person who will always love me. without her nobody cares about me. It's only my family's obligation to help me. Not because they want to. they just have to. i'm a nuisance. i know it's bad to feel and think this way, but i can't really help it. of course there are reasons why i'm led to feel and think so. If i was somebody else's daughter, my mom wouldn't even love me. Heck, i wouldn't bother about myself too. why would she? why would i? who would? I appear decent but i'm actually defected, at least that's what they make me believe. I believe that i'm broken beyond repair. I'm not worth it, and i don't care. That's why i don't care about people. I won't make anybody love me or care for me, it's either you do or you don't. I won't change or be better just to earn people's affection and attention. that's why when something happens between me and someone, i don't really fight for it anymore, in fact i don't even fight against them, i just let it be. people say it seems like i don't care, and maybe it's true. i don't care because i feel like they don't care about me, so why should i? i don't care about the fight doesn't mean i don't care about them, it just means i let it be because i believe one fine day everything will be okay, everyone will be fine. i'm just tired dealing with shits. i'm tired thinking about people. So many things have happened to shape me to be this way; i'm heartless but easily touched, i'm harsh but soft at heart, i'm egoistic but easily guilty, i don't care but i will think about it anyway, i don't think about people but i still do at the end of the day. people don't understand me and that is a problem, they don't understand that i was brought up this way, intentionally or unintentionally, everything that happened to me made me this way. i find it hard to understand people too, because we're all different, we were raised in different ways, we have different families, we come from different places. but if i care about someone, i try to understand them and adapt to their different way of life. without actually knowing somebody, you wouldn't know how different they are from you, and you can't really do what you're expected to do, and it's surprising when this happens between family members. another irony is i actually love myself, but some people are capable of making me hate myself. and hating yourself is the source of all shits. you feel it's fine that you deserve nobody and nobody wants to be with you. the real you, i mean. the real you that some people say bad, not the good you you seem to be. sometimes i think i'm fine, but they show me how i'm flawed. some people think i'm good, but some see me as someone bad. and those people are the ones whose opinions are supposed to matter, but they don't see me the way i see myself when i love myself. maybe because there's nothing to be loved actually.  i don't even know who i am anymore. am i the good girl? am i the bad guy? maybe because i don't choose to be that way with them. this is not hypocrisy, i just can't be who i want to be with my family. i don't know. i will be okay in a day, or an hour or so, but for now i don't know. like i said, this is some deeply rooted issues. but these parasites do not lead me to do stupid things. perhaps i should have, because maybe only then people would take it seriously and not overlook the matters which changed me. perhaps i should have, so they know something is wrong with me, not that i am the one who's wrong. i''ve been led to believe that if something is wrong it's always me and i'm always the one with faults, that's why i don't care. but i know if they know what i write here, they will feel horrible and i hate making people feel horrible. i always let it show, but i never want to let them know. it's just natural. whatever happens, it will always come down to this. this happened a long time ago it's too late to undo it. someone like me is actually a trap, you know? you see me as harmless, but i have come to believe that i'm worthless. you don't really see what's wrong with me, sometimes i don't see what's wrong with me either, but some people do, and when they do, i see everything is wrong with me and i can't make it right. if people see my eyes now they will think it's the eyes of someone who doesn't want to leave home, but actually it's the eyes of someone who contradicts what she recently said. now she can't wait to return to college. i never think and talk about this unless something happens to trigger the switch because i hate to listen to what i have to say, but through other people's mouths. i know how people see that kind of person, who reveals their devils, fears and tears, and i hate to be seen that way. i never think and talk about it, but once it's triggered, the small matters can be big, not because i make it big, but because it always comes down to this. deeply rooted issues. it's already too deep, you can't find the parasite. you can't cure the disease. it can't be fixed. but above it all, layer by layer, i'm normal. i'm okay. as usual.

"Do not assume that she who seeks to comfort you now, lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. Her life may also have much sadness and difficulty, that remains far beyond yours. Were it otherwise, she would never have been able to find these words.”
- Rainer Maria Rilke

Eid is More Than Slaughters, It is Sacrifices :)

take a second to think, what would we sacrifice for the sake of Allah? would we do the same thing Nabi Ibrahim did? sacrifice our loved ones for Allah? which makes us think, who do we love most? remember, anything we love more than Allah, will be the reason for our worst pain. here when it's taken, or there when we're questioned.

setiap kita ada pengorbanan sendiri.

pengorbanan terbaik, demi Illahi.

ikhlas, kecik pun jadi :)

selamat hari raya haji!

(i'm actually having a crisis. on this eid please pray that i can make my own little sacrifice to solve it. thank you.)

Cos You Had a Blood Day

it was a night when i feel i just wanted to go home, i didn't want to be with people anymore, the same day on which i felt i didn't want to let people in anymore. i just wanted to be alone, physically and emotionally. i was disappointed, mad, and hurt, even because of small things, but people don't see how it's because i've suppressed the big ones. i don't let the big ones get the best of me, but i let the small things get to me. people just don't understand that. something withholding a strong pressure can explode just because of a slight heat. it's true, you can't have unresolved issues.

i called my mom and heck i cried. usually it's only the routine phone call, hey what you're doing, what did you cook today, what's on tv, have you locked the door, good night salam muah muah love you. but that night we spent 30 minutes talking on the phone, and my mom actually listened AND responded, which is quite rare to tell you the truth. she's always too caught up with whatever she's doing back home, or i'm too caught up with whatever i'm doing over here, and it's always the obligatory conversation with a lot of "ahh"s, "oh"s, "hmm"'s. but last night it was a good chat, ranging from my studies, friends, feelings, even jodoh... and marriage. but not my marriage of course. someone else's marriage we talked about while my mother was giving me a lesson on the do's and the don't's, as always, besides her own marriage to babah, which of course, won the award the best marriage ever and i can take her as my role model because of course, she's the best wife ever. and the best mom ever. sure, she's not all the time good, she's only human. but she's my mom and she's the best mom i could ever get for me. although it was only for 30 minutes, but that's good enough compared to our other phone calls because we actually talked, like, talked. not just talked for the sake of talking. maybe because she could hear my voice cracked in the beginning although she couldn't see the tears i swallowed. by the end of the phone call, my voice cracked with laughter. usually when my voice breaks, my mom gives me her attention because she knows i am not about to ramble some random nonsense and although it's not really her thing to listen, comfort and console people, i know she tries when it matters.

perhaps it was just because i lack of blood, since i just donated my blood, but i lack of sleep and food too because prior to and after the blood donation, i didn't really eat or sleep properly. it was a miracle i actually passed the blood pressure and blood count tests. perhaps it was also because of people. but nah.

there was a good thing about the day, though.

alhamdulillah for being healthy enough to donate and for being given another chance to give something back! as a universal dOnOr it's my ObligatiOn tO dOnate my blOOd. lOl. insyaallah pray for my health because i really love doing this, and so i don't have to be the one needing the donation some day. i also really like seeing myself getting poked by a needle and my blood being sucked out through a tube. fascinating....

anyway. a cool story about a chinese nurse. she was the one who made sure i was ready to get up and leave after i was done donating. my right hand had to press a plaster on my left arm, so i couldn't fix my left sleeve which was rolled up. the nurse who seemed to understand that it mattered to me - maybe because i was wearing hand socks - helped me by rolling down my sleeve and pulling up my hand sock that i showed no skin at all between the small space where my right thumb was pressing my left arm. "tutup ini dulu, cover betul-betul" she said, referring to my arm, taking her time when everybody else was busy doing things quickly. idk man i was just touched. idk if that's just what she does to everyone. nice chinese nurse is nice :')

sometimes you see the good in strangers, and you can't see what's bad in your friends.

they make you feel bad, yes, but you can't really pinpoint what it is.

so it's kinda sad if your friends can see the bad in you.
sometimes i feel so out of place.
like i don't really belong.
like a wanderer.

i just want to go home.

it's not the best place in the world, but because

home = my mom

home = privacy

home = alone

home = me,

i just want to go home already.

Jangan Puji!

aku ada banyak benda nak blog sebenarnya.

mukadimah biasa blog ni.

tapi harini aku nak blog pasal something yang jadi harini. pendek je, serious. tahap pendek dia hazirah pun mampu baca. HAHA. k. aku tak plan nak berblogging pun sebenarnya. tapi begitulah hidup ye, kita tak dapat jangka. semuanya ketentuan illahi. dah diam ama benda pendek pun boleh jadi panjang kalau kau tak habis bebel diam diam. ok.

tadi classmate laki aku, F cakap sesuatu yang aku taktau nak respon camne. setiap kali benda tu berlaku aku ade beberapa skema jawapan pilihan antaranya:

a) ni apa pulak tetiba ni

b) manade

c) kau dah kenapa

d) tak weh

dan lain-lain. kadang-kadang aku diam je atau blah terus sebab dah kehabisan respon. jadi tadi pun same. lepas aku dah respon, classmate laki aku lagi sorang, D cakap sesuatu yang mehla aku simpulkan je kat sini. 

"jangan cakap camtu weh, nanti ama marah."

"asal kau cakap camtu??"

"memang betul pun kan, kau tak suka orang cakap kau camtu. aku terkejut gak la masa baru tau, sebab kau orang first aku jumpa yang camtu kot. jangan puji ke apa sebab kau tak suka."

"aku bukan tak suka.... aku segan. rasa awkward. aku rasa bukan betul pun apa orang cakap tu. rasa cam tak layak je, dorang yang over. pastu aku taktau nak respon camne."

"bukan pasal kau respon ke tak tau, it's a compliment. terima je la."

"tak boleh! pelikkk. tapi aku rasa terharu la. sebab kau faham aku tak suka. tsk tenkiu."

isu dia kat sini aku tak suka orang cakap apa-apa pasal aku yang baik, tapi aku rasa tak kena dengan aku. sebab aku rasa benda tu tak betul, atau aku rasa orang tu perli or menipu, atau aku rasa aku tak layak, atau sebab aku memang pemalu. aww... panggg! 

aku sedar benda ni dah lama la jugak. mengikut pemerhatian aku terhadap diri sendiri la kan, aku camni sejak azali. aku rasa orang je tak perasan. masa aku sekolah rendah orang puji aku benda lain, aku tak suka. masa aku sekolah menengah orang puji aku benda lain pulak, aku marah. masa aku kat kolej orang puji aku benda lain jugak, aku tak selesa. padahal tu semua kan nikmat tuhan. dorang cakap benda baik pasal aku pun dah kira nikmat dah tu, macam dorang doakan aku. tapi dah memang aku camni nak buat camne.

benda ni boleh buat gaduh. orang selalu salah faham, ingat aku poyo rendah diri. bajet humble. sangap perhatian. konon baik. bla bla bla. pastu dorang pun benci aku. cakap aku reverse psychology. sebenarnya aku meninggi diri. aku ni memang berhidung tinggi. what the heck lah. kalau aku betul camtu pun, ada aku kacau hidup kau? tak kaaan. kau yang ganggu ketenangan jiwa sendiri fikir pasal aku pastu nak benci tak pasal. kalau dengki pun tak perlu kot nak busuk hati. haaa kan aku dah poyo bajet orang jeles dengan aku. ha ha ha. kata aku poyo bajet berlagak sangat kan, ambik ah ambik.

orang sekarang ni pulak takde apa yang betul kat mata dorang. kalau kita bangkang, dikata kita panjing pujian. kalau terima kasih yang diucapkan, dikata kita perasan. what the heck lah. kau tak tau ke yang memang ada manusia jenis tak rasa diri dia seperti dikata? tapi tu aku tak kisah. aku bukan tak cakap terima kasih sebab aku fikir apa orang fikir. aku cuma tak faham, kenapa suka sangat buruk sangka? since we're in that part of the day, meh aku buruk sangka jugak. sangkaan buruk aku ialah, kau pelik orang tak terima pujian dan tak riak dengan nikmat tuhan sebab kalau kau diberi nikmat sama, mesti kau akan riak dipuji macam nikmat tu kau punya kan? haaa. and you wonder why Allah doesn't bless you with the same thing?

tapi kalau dah kes upload gambar pastu caption "x chanteq lyke kamoo" tu memang memancing pujian dan mengundang makian. aku tau, aku paham, kita cakap pasal kekurangan kita sebab lebih baik orang nampak sekarang daripada kemudian, dan lebih baik keluar dari mulut kita daripada mulut orang kan. kita bersedia dengan kekurangan kita, so bila orang nak guna kekurangan kita against kita, kita tak kisah. takde hal lah, aku dah lama terima. kau je baru jakun ngan kekurangan aku haha. tapi tak perlu la canang sampai camtu sekali. bising sedar diri tak hot padahal buat duckface percubaan untuk jadi comel, aku tampar kang diam terus.

even the sweetest praises contain the most bitter poisons. tapi ada je yang puji jujur ikhlas tulus murni. makin lama aku makin dapat beza. aku belajar siapa yang boleh dipercaya dan siapa yang wajar dihindar. siapa yang aku boleh berterima kasih bukan sebab benda baik yang dorang kata pasal aku, tapi pandangan dorang pasal aku yang baik. jadi, terima kasih sebab jadi baik. thanks for perceiving things beautifully, and hence, you're the beauty :)

bila aku actually terima pujian, skema jawapan aku

a) tuah je tu

b) Allah tolong
c) er..... thanks?

dalam minggu ni jugak, D dapat tau SPM aku straight A's, dia macam terkejut. isu ni simpan untuk post nanti, tapi aku nak selitkan je yang bila dia cakap "bagusnya," dengan perasaan tak sangka, aku balas "i got lucky, that's all." yes i believed i only got lucky, i always have. every single time. that's why he was surprised, because my luck has run out.

aku tak pernah mengiyakan pun sebab aku rasa semua tu tak lama pun tahan, dan ape yang baik kan dari tuhan, Allah boleh ambik balik bila-bila je apa dia pinjamkan. kenapa aku nak bangga dengan apa yang sementara? kenapa aku nak kata "ya, aku memang" macamkan aku yang berkuasa? kenapa aku nak iakan macam tu semua aku punya? aku bersyukur dengan apa aku ada, tapi rasanya tak perlu kot aku tayang kesyukuran aku dekat orang kan? aku diam-diam alhamdulillah dalam hati sudah. alhamdulillah boleh hidup dengan apa yang ada. tapi tak salah jugak kot kalau aku teringin nak ada lebih baik kan?

orang taktau apa kita rasa. you'll never know what makes other people insecure. ye kita bersyukur dengan kepunyaan kita. tapi kalau kita nak lebih pun takde dosanya. kita bersyukur kita ada lebih baik daripada sesetengah orang. tapi kalau kita nak ada sebaik orang lain pun tak dilarang. orang kata kita tak bahagia sebab kita tak puas hati, kita nak lagi bagus, kita nak lagi kurus lol, tapi kalau tu yang buat kita bahagia, buat kita puas hati, pedulikan apa orang nak kata.

asalkan kita tau jaga diri kita.

kita tau jaga hati orang :)

so,

pendek kan?

what say you hazirah?

HAHA

Perbualan Dak-Dak 19 Tahun

"suara awak comel la."

"suara kita memang camni ke kalau awak jumpa kita"

"ye kot, sama je kot. tapi dalam fon lagi comel. macam nak picit nak tumbuk."

"ok ama...."

"omg. kita baru sedar kita pelik bila cakap camni depan orang. selama ni dengan awak je, so rasa biasa. mesti housemate kita pelik tadi. sekarang dah luar rumah pun mesti orang lalu lalang ingat kita cakap ngan pakwe. omg. kita pelik eh sebenarnya."

--------------------

"ama. kesian ade kucing kat sini cari makanan kat tong sampah."

"apa kata awak kasi pipi awak dekat dia."

---------------------

"so camne degree? hari-hari contact tp taktau pun ape cerita haha. kita taktau pun pasal degree life awak. tah ada life ke tak, hidup lagi ke tak."

"better la than palam."

"kenapa?"

"sebab ada kawan."

"and i was thinking something along the line kelas tak packed ke apa, ni ada kawan hahahaha"

"betul la!"

---------------------

"awak ni bila nak fly ni."

"stress semua orang tanya. kita baru nak apply laaaa. gawd."

---------------------

"bila awak nak datang sini???"

"awakla datang sini!"

"awakla!"

"route nak gi upm pun kita taktau! long distance sangat kita ni. nak jumpa pun susah."

"tah. ni belum fly lagi. kalau dah fly lagi la tak jumpaa."

"tau takpe."

"nak pergi inteeeccc"

"datang ah! pastu makan burger bakar sesamaaa!"

"nak tapi camne, bila? raya haji?"

"jom jom! tp awak tak balik cuti ke apa?"

"ala kita pergi sebelum balik laa."

"oh ok ok. eh jap. kita ada ielts minggu depan before raya haji. lupa lak lol"

---------------------

"ye, rasa lain."

"okaaaaayy"

" serius ah. sekarang macam dah dibukak hijab mata. nampak apa yang tak nampak dulu."

"hahah bongok."

"eh tapi bukan hijab tu la, jangan jadi doa sudah aku dahla sengsorang kat luar memalam ni."

-------------------

"ada faci kat sini masa orientasi yang kita rasa terattracted."

"woi!!"

"ala suka tengok je. sekali bila stalk, semua stok usrah"

"hahaha mesti muka baik je kan. awak terattracted dengan jenis awak jugakla, nampak tak nampak tak. eh, awak stalk orang? tapi awak tak stalk pun kita!"

"hey kita stalk ok..... kita baca blog awak."

"tipu awak tak baca."

"yela kita baca. yang pendek-pendek."

"eee macam laki! kawan sendiri pun tak baca!"

"taklaaa kita takleh fokus lama-lama kalau post panjang."

--------------------

"kita tak sabar nak tengokk"

"sape? jodoh kita ke crush kita? kalau crush leh kasi link, kalau jodoh kita pun tak sabar haha"

"emm. jodoh awak laaa. amaa cepatla kawen cepatlaaa cepatlaaaaa"

"amboi. kita takleh kawen cepat so kita suruh awak yang kawen dulu, pastu sekarang awak pulak suruh kita kawen sebab awak yang takleh kawen cepat hahaha"

"awak lagi kena kawen dulu kot. kawen la before fly!"

"memang takla nak kawen before fly. eww, 20 tahun dah kawen. lek lu."

"bestla. macam mak awak cakap. kawen before fly tau ama. tapi macam tak je.... hahahah"

"hahaha siot! tau takpe. takde sape wehh. sapeee"

"awaklaa masalah!"

-------------------------

"nanti bila awak kawen, kita kena kawan dengan suami awak. kena best friend dengan suami awak."

"kenapa pulak? nanti suami kita suka awak camne. kita pun dah suka awak, apatah lagi suami kita."

"bongok ama. ye laaa taknakla nanti awak dengan dia je, kita mesti kena ada. kita kena get along dengan dia jugak. kitorang kena jadi kawan. baru macam triangle."

"eh habis awak tu! kita tak best friend dengan dia pun! kita kena kongsi awak dengan dia takpe pulak! so kita semua kena jadi four angle."

"four angle??"

"ye la. four angle. awak dengan suami awak, kita dengan suami kita, semua kawan."

-----------------------

"kita sayang awak. nasib baik kita ada awak tempat bermanja. kalau rindu call la kita. i love you"

"awak tu bila nak call kita pulak"

"hmm. kita dah kena beli sim card buddiez baru ni"

"hmm"

----------------------

who needs that bf (boy friend) when you've got this bf (best friend)?

i wish i could marry my good friends. but girls cannot marry girls, sooo i have to find an alternative anyway hahahaha kbye.

budak-budak 15 tahun takleh cakap pasal benda ni.

budak-budak 19 tahun boleh dah kot hehehe.
gedik yang futuristik. lulz.

Only Ma

sometimes a thought strikes me,
and other thoughts always follow.
how i only ever really love one person,
who will be the reason of my worst sorrow.
i don't care about another to compare.
between those thoughts,
are tears.
ma.
i just cry.
like i've never cried before.
like i'll never love anyone again.
but i know i haven't cried the most.
i haven't felt the worst pain.
i'd choose to die
over a loss.

red eyes of mine, wet laps of mom's, a quietness of a kind

she must think her daughter is crazy for crying silently

ma, i wish i was.

Raya-raya C1 Siri 3! (2013)

walaupun raya dah habis, tapi aku nak post jugak pasal raya. biasalah lembab. ah sukati ah.

tak, cerita dia sebenarnya camni. haritu aku dah buat post panjaaaaang. tetiba post tu hilang. ha mengucap panjang la tu takyah baca post panjang aku kan, fine. dahlah aku emotionally invested kot blogging time tu sebab aku blog pasal benda deep. orang taktau pasal tu, sebab tak cetek jadi tak nampak. tak cetek sebab deep. nampak tak kaitan dia. deep dalam mana? sedalam nak quit a-level. ha deep tak deep.

so setelah mengdeepkan diri tapi sakit hati sebab laptop crash dan blogger tak autosave, aku pun membawa diri berehat jap dari dunia blog. padahal dah rehat cukup punya lama dah. ah sukati ah.

dan sekarang aku kembali! weeee kepulangan yang dirai oleh diri sendiri. tapi aku nak blog pasal benda ringan. tapi hidup aku ni mana ada yang ringan ce bajet. jadi kita buka lah cerita pasal kawan-kawan :')

raya tahun ni, dapatlah beraya bersama kawan-kawan tercinta. mari kita flashback.

2008 - raya bersama C1.
2009 - tak raya bersama, bajet busy pmr. padahal.
2010 - raya bersama C1.
2011 - tak raya bersama, bajet busy spm. padahal.
2012 - raya bersama AB.
2013 - raya bersama C1.

beraya dengan C1, rombongan ke rumah kengkawan. beraya dengan AB, konvoi ke rumah cecikgu. beraya dengan C1, masih jalan kaki, cari teksi. beraya dengan AB, dah mula bawak motor, bawak kete. aww. besar dah kita :') dulu banyak gak rumah member, sampai senak perut. ye la, perut penuh pastu jalan jauh. hehe. tapi tahun ni tiga rumah je. takpe jadilah en hehehe.


eh tapi rumah pertama tu makan-makan khas untuk vvvip only.

tuan rumah bersama kamilah

kamilah bersama vvvip lain.

dah kenapa kamilah jadi constant dalam gambar ni. ni blog sape sekarang ni

terkenang waktu form 3 dahulu. ke rumah hazirah untuk experiment recipe ciptaan kami khas dijual di gerai Snack Shack ketika karnival sekolah berlangsung. roti saku! tsk tsk. selain (bajet) masak dan (bersungguh) makan, kitorang lepak kat bilik hazirah dok depan cermin buat muka boyan. no seriously. kitorang camwhore gila-gila dengan lipat tudung gaya rempit buat duckface segala. cuba bayangkan. eh. jangan bayangkan. ngeri + geli.

EH

OOOPS

HAHAHAH. trauma jap. maaf la. gambar eksklusif ni, itu pun dua je yang berjaya ditapis. lain kena censored satu gambar terus lol. sekelusif pebenda aku ingat lagi dulu gambar ni masuk myspace ke mana tah si hajer boyboy upload. muka cam...... muka aku jela tapi. tapi kalau tak buat muka boyboy pun memang dah camtu nak buat camne. redha dan bersyukurrr.

atas: 2008, 2012

tengah: 2009, 2013

bawah: us LOL-ing at our old pictures

(marah, malu, ketawa, redha, tak ngaku)

(real reactions would be much worse)

we started taking separate paths in 2010, but here we are, still friends. alhamdulillah. 6 years and counting! 

sudah bertamadun.

selsema sakit tekak nak demam pun sanggup balik sendiri berdikari buat pertama kali, dari shah alam terus ke ampang, semata-mata untuk memenuhi undangan rakan tersayang. nampak tak pengorbanan seorang sahabat kat situ?!

jumpa kawan-kawan lama dan... kawan baru! haha tak sempat tangkap gambar ngan muar. pemalu orangnye, lol. lepas ni makin susahlah nak jumpa, semua dah belajar merata-rata. besar dah kengkawan aku. makin cantik lak tu. congrats and good luck korang, degree dah wohooo! :")

oh dah hari lain kat rumah lain pulak. kalini hazirah menjadi tetamu dan kamilah menjadi tuan rumah. konsep masih makan-makan, namun terbuka kepada rakan-rakan. jadi selain C1 pun ada kat sini.... (baju petak HAHA) oh bukan baju petak belakang yang dimaksudkan, bukan bukan. itu omar. dak c one. hew hew. dia sorang je laki yang datang awal. dahlah datang awal gila. kesian keseorangan, dahlah datang jauh-jauh. dahlah dak laki yang semangat kalau bab berjumpa. tanya dia mana dak laki lain, dia call kacau dorang kata aku suruh cepat datang. membuatkan aku berbunyi begitu bossy. tak k tak

kali kedua berjumpa dalam masa tiga hari, muar dah tak pemalu! tetiba friendly ngan aku aww hahaha. muar kawan mrsm alor gajah hazirah ye. ye memang. semua kawan hazirah jadi kawan muar sekarang, sampai rumah kamilah pun dia diundang. ukhwah lulz

cantik cantik comel comel kengkawan aku ni. tampar cubit gigit kang baru tau.

omar ada geng akhirnya!

empat orang budak laki. biasa dah. tiap kali buat pape memang camni. redha dan bersyukur

semangat rabia, bagus bagus. farabi je la. kamil muka tu bagi ikhlas sikit boleh tak

rumah kamilah, tapi mana kamilah? hilang. hm busy mungkin

tengok, orang lain jugak yang jadi penyambut tetamu

penyambut tetamu ke penyibuk taktau la en

masih hilang

ha itu dia! masa bergambar kamilah terus ada. semua pompuan je, laki tolong tangkapkan. tu yang gambar kureng sikit tu hahah. dalam banyak-banyak ni paling ok tak blur ceria gembira di hari raya. selain C1, ada nad fitri (AB), huril (ex-c1 sebelum masuk asrama masa form 1) dan mia (awek iman). (well, iman).

eh rumah lain dah!

rumah farabi! yang ni memang open house terus jiran tetangga sahabat handai sedara mara semua ada, kitorang sampai je habis dah makanan yang air tangan dia. dia kata aaa. dia kata.

rumah ni la satu-satunya rumah yang kitorang pergi setiap kali kitorang raya sesama.

2008

 

2013

2010

2013

:""")

 tapi nampak tak betapa blurnya gambar atas ni. itu je yang mampu. mintak gambar lain kat orang  lain tak respon la, lambat reply la, ape laaa. ye sume busy ye paham yeee. hazirah je yang respon malam tu jugak. HAZIRAH I LOVE YOU.

kamil pls la.

tau lah dulu setiap dak pompuan kelas ni pernah suka kau.

tapi pls la.

hahahahah.

comel je, raya ni sembang pasal topik yang tak disembang masa rombongan raya dulu-dulu. sekarang topik dak-dak besar dah. uni, degree, dan topik berat dan bersesuaian mengikut umur. wani, bagaimanapun, cakap benda sama yang dari dulu dia cakap. dia cakap tak sabar-sabar nanti bila topik kita berevolusi dari hal sekolah ke hal bila kahwin? anak sihat? instead of berkongsi tips soalan bocor pmr, nanti tips rumah tangga pula dikongsi sesama kita. hahaha. insyaallah :3 friends forever :')

tapi memang agak terasa dah besar la raya kalini. mana taknya. rakan-rakanku dah matang dan majuuu! hahaha. beraya ngan member bawak awek. bakal laki belikan barang dapur lol. tanya "awak dah ada orang ehhh" malu nak jawab, hekelehhh sah ada tapi takpe kita paham awak pemalu hew hew. mak hazirah pulak disebabkan aku bising pasal anak dia, dia terus mendiamkan aku dengan berkata  "ama jangan banyak cakap eh, awak tu nak pergi jauh awak la kena cari dulu!"

"makcik doakanla! haha"

"laaa tak cakap awal-awal. kalau tak makcik doakan dah kat mekah sana, makcik ngan hazirah dapat solat depan kaabah!"

oh takpe makcik, hazirah dah doakan untuk saya. teruja saya sebab dia doakan saya, hepi pun ya juga sebab dia dapat solat tempat vvvip. ha tu baru betul vvvvip! saya kasi dia list lagi. habis je solat depan kaabah tu terus dia mesej saya cakap dia dah doa untuk saya dan kengkawan. awww! love you moreee!

balik tu ada lima kereta kot tunggu jalan seiring. comel je. iman dan aweknya, omar dan... sorang, geng balik bukit antarabangsa melah wani hajer peqah, pejah dan rakan-rakan paten ijati, serta geng lalu lembah iaitu aku ngan kamil. memula nak naik geng b.a., tapi kamil cakap dia nak solat kat masjid. dah dekat tu tumpang jelah, takyah melah ulang alik drive aku. aww kengkawan aku dah besar :') ok tak habis-habis terharu. bendanya..... kamil takde lesen. tapi bawak punya laju. nasib aku rilek. lekk.

bila dah sampai rumah dia tanya taknak ajak dia masuk ke. aku cam.... next time lah. sorry gila weh. thanks sangat tau. next time eh? babai. yelaa takkanla tetiba nak jemput dia masuk aku taktau pun sape, apa ada kat rumah masa tu. tapi rasa bersalah..... tsk. aku pun tak sure dia pergi masjid ke tak sebenarnya, kalau setakat hantar aku je lagi rasa bersalah menyelubungi. masuk rumah aku bagitau mak aku, kamil hantar pastu dia nak masuk beraya. mak aku cakap ha masukla! mama ada buat makan-makan ni. aku cam.... ma, kenapa tak cakap awal-awal. ma pls. pls ma.

masuk rumah tengok ada nasi arab, kuetiaw goreng, laksa apatah lagi. pastu ajak pun sedara mara sikit je, mana la tak banyak makanan lebihan. stress aku ngan mak aku ni hahaha. sesuka hati dia je bebila rasa nak masak macam-macam order makanan buat makan-makan. kalau cakap awal-awal boleh kengkawan aku datang berayaaa. call la aku ke apa ke. ni bila aku call member semua dah tak boleh datang. sobs. kesian dorang. bila lagi nak ajak datang rumaaah. aku ni dahlah jarang ajak orang datang rumah, sebab kalau orang nak datang aku kena pastikan semua ok. tapi sekali orang datang aku tak senang-senang lepaskan balik camtu je. muehehe. alang-alang datang kan, biar makan sampai kenyang lepak sampai bosan.

sorry ar. insyaallah bila aku ada rumah sendiri nanti aku ajak korang sleepover sekali. okay? okay. heheheh.