Emo Separuh Hari

Harini aku emo separuh hari.

tapi bukan emo yang menangis, marah, merajuk bagai. bukan emo yang duduk diam menyepikan diri atau jalan ambik angin bawak diri. ni emo dalam hati. cey. emo yang boleh lagi sembang-sembang, gelak-gelak, macam bahagia gila padahal telinga sendiri je tau luahan rasa. telinga hati. cey.

masalah otak je kot sebenarnya.

pagi-pagi mengaji masa ALIS dah terbabas sini sana. mata macam tak nampak nun dengung, terlepas pandang checkpoint nak ambik nafas. my God get a grip, i told myself as my voice trembled. semalam tak pula begini, haih aku bebel dalam hati. pehal ni pehal. pms ke apa. sepanjang ALIS asyik zone out. come back ama and stay with me, i told myself as i blinked rapidly. tulis atas test pad penuh satu muka surat pasal sesuatu yang tak patut mengganggu aku pun. suck it up, i told myself as i stared at one of the last lines: AMA YOUR BING STUPID.

what was i being stupid about?

i suck. i screwed up.

it got nothing to do with academic stuffs or jiwang shits.

it was about something small, but big to me, leading me to overthink and doubt my self-worth as a human being.

well that escalated quickly.

ama how can you doubt your self-worth just by that 5-minute experience? but maybe that 5 minutes were what that counts. you can do so much better than that. you are better than this. you wouldn't even judge people just by that, then why would you degrade yourself with the same reason? why would you let it define you? why would you think what others think?  whyyyyy???

it was about something small, but big to me, leading me to feel worthless for the first half of the day.

masa buat past year econs, aku macam taktau pape. kena refer buku. baru soalan satu. tambah down ah camni. pastu dengar ijy dengan danny tengah bincang sesama. "nak buat dengan doranglaa..." anis cakap "laa buatla dengan kita." "awak dah soalan dua... kita... lembab." pastu anis marah hahah. "alah anis bukan salu pun kita down camni..."

"ok, i'll allow you, tapi harini je."

"ok."

hari lain aku bukannya banyak self-confidence pun, tapi takdelah self-criticism. i have a healthy balance of confidence and criticism. i don't have much of both, a tablespoon might do. i don't pour excessive confidence into the pot or stir roughly with criticism. but today, some devil might have knocked over the whole sack of powder with the brand You Suck.

it all was caused by a pinch of salt I Screwed Up, creating the mixture of flavours called I Am an Embarrassment, People's Overestimation of Me Is Irrelevant Now They'll Think I'm No Subtance, I Am Helpless and Hopeless, I Am a Lazy Student I Shouldn't Be Here, I Don't Deserve Anything or Anybody, Kesian Laki Aku, and I Could Die.

haish.

macam tu lah aku sepanjang pagi tadi. tapi dari luaran nampak macam normal je kan, haha.

bila dah emo camni, memang setiap masalah yang kau cuba tanam akan korek balik keluar. benda yang tak masalah pun jadi masalah. mula lah nak bilang insecurities satu per satu. mula lah nak rasa diri ni tak berharga la, bodoh la, apa la. seriously aku tak suka bila orang down macam ni. tapi harini aku pulak mengdownkan diri. every dog has its day i guess. tapi aku takde ah down pastu cam bagitau satu dunia kan. aku bagitau blog aku je. heh heh.

free time dalam kelas tadi aku tunduk mengaji, biar sejuk sikit hati ni. tak faham pun apa yang dimengajikan, tapi tetap berair mata... betul lah yang mengaji ni macam isi air dalam bakul yang kotor. bakul berlubang = pemahaman lopong. tapi walaupun bakul tu tak berisi air, bakul tu jadi bersih. tak penuh tapi dibasuh. cuma kalau penuh, lagi syok kan? tapi tilawah dengan tadabbur tak selari. pon boleh.

nak cerita kat orang pun buat malu je. taknak cerita cerita sebenar pun sebenarnya. orang nampak macam sibuk sangat study, takyah la kacau focus dorang pulak kan. biar aku dengan overthinking brain aku sendiri.  memang ada yang aku boleh pinjam telinga, tapi kalau cerita pun dorang boleh buat apa je? biar la aku malu dengan diri sendiri sengsorang, takyah aku malu dengan orang lain pulak.

sampai satu point in the middle of the class aku keluar sebab mata dah berair tah tahan, nak gi toilet menenangkan fikiran lol tapi ada bebudak laki bertenggek tepi koridor. hangin aku. malas nak lalu. terus masuk balik. yang nak tenangkan fikiran pun kat toilet kan, sarang setan. gi la surau ke tsk. surau jauh nanti termiss lecture T_T

nak zohor, before ambik wuduk cakap kat wani "i feel shitty today."

wani jawab "share the shit."

wani always has philosophies to live by. i once said to her after briefly describing a problem: "sad life."

she answered "fill it with boys." bapak ah philosopher gila haha. it wasn't even boys problem (relevant tho).

lepas dah solat zohor baru perasan yang aku dah tak rasa shitty lagi.

aku dah ok :)

pastu ummul pulak bagitau petang ni ada usrah.

"yeay kita memang perlukan benda camni harini!" :D

tapi last-last aku yang lupa. dah nak time baru ingat, tapi time tu tengah kat kedai makan terperangkap dalam hujan. kredit tinggal 0.03 sen, but i took a leap of faith by calling ummul anyway and guess what I MADE IT! weyy bukankah itu miracle? Ya Allah jadikanlah hujan ni hujan yang bawa keberkatan zapp terus makbul lolol. minta ummul tundakan semata-mata sebab aku takde, mengadanya hmph. ala usrah sesama kengkawan je pun, hihi barulah betul betul 'keluarga' ;)

the current meme trend: surprised patrick.

surprised patrick is surprised.

meme in french means same. SAME.

oh 18 hari lagi final exam. masuk harini dah seminggu lebih aku study hari-hari. ok la sebab ada core math test last week and psychology kuiz this week. tapi study ah jugak kan. ok la pegang buku walaupun sekejap pun kira study ah kan. ok la tak termasuk jumaat cos it's TGIF baby walaupun sekarang aku tengah jadi rajin secara konsisten yang tak pernah terjadi sebelum ni walaupun untuk beberapa hari tak bermaksud aku korbankan hari jumaat yang penuh barokah dan rahmat (dan perlu rehat), boleh brain breakdown camtu.

study awal 20 hari hari-hari tolak jumaat walaupun sikit je study... this is the farthest i have ever been from studying last minute and the closest i have ever been to early revision.

nak SPM pun tak camni.

:')

mungkin sebab SPM tak menentukan sama ada result ni boleh dapat offer from top 50 uni and worse, sama ada scholarship dikekalkan atau ditarik balik next sem nanti.


:'(


pray for us. thank you T_T