Serioushit Questions #3: If I Were To Die

You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?

this question has striked my mind many times, since i was still so young when my peers didn't bother themselves with this grave (literally) questions. then again, maybe it's because they didn't know death like i did. in my life, death feels so close, like it can rip those closest to me anytime it wants. like it did once. i fear others' death more than i do mine. so before i RIP, i don't really LIP, i become paranoid on certain basis. but now it's not as worse, i'm getting better. more cilek orang kata.

do you?

i don't always think about my own death, though. but when i do, i think of who will be there. here's a secret. my imaginations are sometimes so intense it has made me cried thinking about my own death. not because i couldn't bear thinking that i was dead. but i couldn't bear thinking of those who cared.

i know despite complaining about people who are responsible for my trust issues, that some do care. a few do love. it took me a while to realize that. i cried thinking of how it would make them feel. their shocked faces when they find out. their blank expression when they try to deny it. their eyes when they finally believe it. it's so heart-breaking to fantasize about it it breaks my heart too.

this question is included in the file entitled My Death stored in a drawer labeled as What If in a store that is my brain. a creepy brain i know. i have all the answers figured out, just need to flip through the file again. 

1. i will not tell anyone about it.

if you really know me, you'll know i can be one heck of a secretive girl. i was really secretive back then, but now not as much. because i've found people i trust, although i learn a lot about it the hard way. but the price of being comfortable to the point of opening yourself up to people (or blogs in this case) is putting down your guard and let your secrets out of the closet. when you start, telling people about yourself can be addictive, even to those whose trustworthiness hasn't been proven yet. so i don't know whether i embrace it or regret it.

in 2010 i didn't tell anyone about going to stay in New Zealand for two months, except for a few people and even then they didn't know when. i texted them about it when i was already at the airport. in 2012 i only told people i was about to leave for umrah the day i did, and that included my best friend. she was really upset, i felt bad about it. i don't know, it's just a thing i do. i'm the type of person who might even out of the blue update a picture showing her henna painted hand and ringed finger with a caption "i'm married!" ok maybe not that secretive.

so what did you expect when it comes to the matter of life and death? of course if i were to find out about it in advance, i would bring the secret to my grave, literally.

what worries me is most likely my family would find out about whatever health condition i were to suffer from. dah yang bawak gi sepital pun mereka kan, mana lagi kau nak sembunyi? but once i'm all grown up and can depend on myself, it's gonna be a well-kept secret. if i would tell anybody else, it would be my best friends. and they better not tell a soul anything or i'll bring them with me to my grave.

i don't want people to treat me differently. i hate seeing their eyes filling up with sympathy. i dislike listening to their unnatural, sudden gentle, kind words. i loathe any of it.

i would want to live normally, happily, positively. would you not?

2. i would do what i've always wanted to do, should do, would do if only i had more time

speaking as a muslim, of course i would do what muslims do nearing their last day of the first life. you only live twice. make the best out of the first one to get the best second one, aye? if you live by YOLO, you'll make the best out of this worldly life only, which is a no no.

taubat. Allah. i would repent like i never repent before, more and more every time. ok now that we're talking about death in islamic context i start to feel terrified. kalau tak, takdelah sangat. mungkin takdelah langsung. i was once a girl who thought death was the only escape. so... yeaaah moving on. i would buat pahala even more la. but if you ask me to choose only one; buat pahala atau hapus dosa? i say hapus dosa. dosa banyak sangat ya Allah buat pahala banyak pun tah-tah tak efek timbangan al-mizanku. buat pahala sangat senang sebenarnya. tapi hapus dosa itu tak semudah yang disangka.

speaking as me, i would... write a novel. what i have always wanted to do since forever. i have a few developed plots, storylines, even dialogues and oh the endings as well but what does all that mean if they're only in here?! *gestures to the head. i would say what i've been thinking, ask what i've been wondering. i would go to places i love. walk on the beach and lie on sand, swim in seas and beam at the sky. gaze at the moon and count the stars. spend more time with loved ones, laugh like i live forever. i believe if one knows they are about to die, they'll see, listen, and talk differently. it's tragically beautiful.

oh yeah i would send that organ donor form i've filled in for quite a while. here's a funny story. a few days ago i was not feeling well, and one morning i woke up trembling and freezing to death. i didn't really have a fever, but then again i never had a fever which woke me up from sleep only to greet me with gritted teeth. i wrapped myself with a thick comforter like a burrito but it was still really freaking cold i was wailing. for a second there i thought i was dying and how i didn't send that form yet but my mom knows about my intention to be a donor but would that be enough? i was shaking so badly and my head hurt so i just resumed my sleep hoping my mom wouldn't check on me because she'd freak out thinking i was dying or something lol.

i would make sure the little money and possessions i leave behind go to the right people and places. i would go extra, extra length in trying to help people cause i've got nothing to loose. i would get rid of my secrets-filled notes i wrote some time ago, a diary i once used to spill my heart out. i would delete pictures the camwhore side of me owns, and some stuffs i upload/post online. i might want to write something for loved ones. i would consider whether to let my family know about this blog and my fb account or not. they don't know this side of me, this expressive, thoughtful, poetical, writer side of me. all i am to them is the manja anak last who sometimes can be annoyingly loud and other times spend her days in her room all shut up. 

wow. so much to do in one month, eh?

but one thing i wonder if i would really do is say this;

"if i die, tell him i love him."

of course, there's no him is there not?

3. i would and would not be afraid

spiritually speaking, of course i would be afraid. i'm a muslim. i know where people go after they die. i know what happens in the afterlife. i'm not gonna be stuck in some limbo. if i'm good enough, i'll go to heaven. if i've been bad, i'll go to hell. but it's not that easy. it's complicated, the record of our deeds, the counting of our doings. even before that happens, we'll stay in the world of the dead. we stay down under, and get a taste of how we'll be treated up there. it's all the matter of being ready for the down under and the up there part, not of death itself. and to be ready, is to be a good muslim. which i slack off sometimes, most of the times, or all the time.

so of course i would be scared shitless.

but i think maybe i would not be afraid because i know all that. some people are afraid of death because they are clueless of the part after life. where do you go after this? they have no idea what it's about. do you become a ghost or do you reincarnate or do you just poof? they don't know if they're just gonna end up as dirt. what's the point of living? useless the life they've had, pointless the life they've made. 

i would not be afraid because i would be lucky. hey, at least i know when i'm going to die right? i think sick people who know they are dying are lucky. because they have time to get closer to God, to people, to the world. at least they can repent, seek forgiveness, confess love. those around sick people who know they are dying are lucky, at least they are prepared for it. at least they've been warned of the life they will have after the life of someone ends, they have time to brace themselves. at least they can give their best to them on their last days. these people, are usually more redha when the dying souls finally go.

but if i were the dying one, those around me wouldn't be so lucky muahaha.

to know about anyone's death beforehand, can be the worst curse, but the best blessing one can ever gain.