there are two different situations when handling this feeling. one, the positive sensation pumped up your vein by a person who barely notices you, making your cheeks turn red and keeping you smiling to yourself. two, a negative vibe frozen in your arteries, blocking the flow of blood. making you gasp for oxygen at random moments. choking you. also blocking your veins, now carbon dioxide has no where to escape. you bloat with this unwanted gas. all because of someone you do know. sometimes it's there, sometimes it vanishes into thin air. it is bothering me, distracting me, when i should have my attention on and uh, heart into something better. recently i spend most of the time staring into space, building castle in the air, enjoying my own little alternate world because miracles won't happen in this one. in this one, it only makes me feel pathetic, drown in self-pity, unconsciously wishing for things i don't even dare to think. it is beyond me. you know what's funny? when i was younger i know how to handle it. i know how to avoid it. i was proud of my ability to push unworthy thoughts away. i wasn't driven by hormones nor emotions. but now, i'm back to being the girl i was 7 years ago. i am embarrassed to admit it. it's stupid to be deprived by feelings. maybe i'm tired of being a statue, of being so emotionally unreactive. i'm not a robot. it's easy to upset me, it's easy to please me. the foolish side of me cries in front the mirror, the sensible one keeps the tears hidden. i'm an emotional roller coaster. sometimes i wear my heart on my sleeve, most of the time i don't. the truth is i'm just another normal, jiwang, crappy teenager. i just don't show it that often. and i won't show it again. it can't be a habit i will get used to, no it won't. period.
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