What's Down, Ama

Hai. weird isn't it when i don't blog now, because i should have many things to blog about, being overseas and all. i'm sorry bloggy :(

it makes me sad thinking that i don't write anymore. i don't even blog like i used to. it makes me sadder to think that i might never write like i wanted to. what happened to that passionate, inspired girl? i kind of lost all the passions and inspirations i once had. for everything. somebody help me. but i know nobody has to. they can't. i can, but i can't. what happened to the dreamer? i feel like a loser on daily basis.

i feel like i slowly wither away. all of what i could have been, wilted and swept by the wind.

oh, to write about that and how i am bothered by it, would be such a good start. but i have a psychology literature review due in a few days and i haven't started doing it. have been doing research to put off doing the actual work. talk about not being passionate and inspired. do you know how much trouble i'd be in if i were to put it off any longer? 

hence i shall not.

baibai.

What a feeling

Don wanna talk about it.

Cos when talking about it doesn't help me feel any better, it makes me feel worse instead. That's bad because people want to help and you wish they could too, but sometimes they cant. It will only let you and me and everybody down.

Talking about it also makes me feel stupid. And vulnerable. And ridiculous. And typical. Which is just as bad. I blame biological factors. It's getting worse lately. Pls dont blame me.

So im gonna ignore it in front of people and not indulge in it with anyone else knowing. Build glass walls and halfway bridges. You can see but you cant come in. You can come closer but not too close.

It will pass. Im gonna be ok.

Why am i here

Oh i hate myself so much right now. I know it is a petty complain. I know i'm to be blamed. I know it's all up to me. Yet i'm still so down under. I can't bring myself up. I can't get my shit together.

I break down - it goes for both crying and not functioning. It's like i lost all the motivations i've ever had. I'm so ashamed of myself. I'm embarrassed with other people. It's actually that simple therefore i'm the biggest loser in the world. Only i can help myself and i can't, then nobody else can.

Where the hell did that girl go?

Flying Off #3: Flying Off, Finally

Dah 6 bulan lebih dah aku kat uk. ada eloknya kalau aku sambung cerita pasal fly tu. hahahaha.

so we've reached the climax! the day itself!

the day was, hectic. hectic. hectic. done? yeah, hectic. i spent my last morning till afternoon in malaysia, not at home. but out and about. settled some last minute business. bought some things. met and called some people. then upon parking my car for the last time, feeling both sad and grateful, i said goodbye. see you in one year time. be good. i love you. don't let ateh sell you. scream in case of danger.

once i was finally at home i had to do final packing. yes, i'd been procrastinating. but it wasn't totally my fault! i did start early with the shopping..... hehehe. and a few days earlier i'd already started packing..... it was the finalizing on the day itself and cramming stuffs to every possible centimeter which made it really stressful :'( it was not my fault there were too many things to bring. i was moving to another country for god's sake. i had to dump most of them anyway. the bags were heavy as hell i had no idea how i'd handle it alone :'( serabut tau :'(

there was a friend of babah who wanted to see me. she was kinda his best friend and she likes to tell me about mama and babah's love story. i felt so sorry for her. i feel so sad now thinking about it. she asked me to go to her house, but i had my hands full, and honestly i couldn't be bothered. i felt bad but i wished she would understand i couldn't see her that day. i was so, so, sorry but i just couldn't. my mom and brothers kept telling me about it but i really didn't want to go because i didn't have enough time! she couldn't come on her own because her husband who always drove her around had died not even a year ago and her children were busy :""(

so she came to my house with a cab T____T she's old T_T i felt like such a bad person. still do T_T she brought food and fruits and cookies T_T she cooked babah's favourite lauk for me and this ungrateful girl can't even remember what it was. i think it was masak lemak telur itik. she said babah nurul suka ni T_T i only had a little of it because i was eating my mom's chicken rice rushingly T_T i couldn't even eat my mom's own cooking with my mom for the last time T___T and i didn't even eat the fruits which might have been langsat and the cookies which might have been tart nenas T__T she said i could eat the fruits when i was at the airport and i could bring the cookies to uk but i had not much time at the airport and no empty space in the bags T_T i'm so sorry auntie T_T i'll remember your advice on not giving hope to guys lol and your story about your niece because some guys are psychos T_T i hope i'll see you this raya. i wouldn't even mind if you sembang lama and cium me banyak kali this time T_T guise, i'm seriously sad guise.

bukan hanya beliau yang datang ke rumah waktu genting begini. mungkin orang ingat aku dah siap packing tinggal bergolek goyang kaki je kot. kalau aku la, aku mesti call tanya dulu, tengah tunggang langgang ke tenang tu. kami nak datang babai ni. tu kalau aku laaa, tapi ni orang lain.

masa tu aku nak makan pastu mandi. aku turun, rilek dengan towel di bahu dan tiada tudung di kepala. dah sampai bawah... ADA SEPUPU LAKI. terus lari naik atas. terus mandi je. ADA ORANG KOT NAMPAK AKU TENGAH TURUN, DAH KENAPA TAK BERSUARA CAKAP ADA TETAMU?! NI YG AKU NAK MENGAMUK KAN. gua dah la stress, lapar, sedih. niat nak makan tergendala. mana la tak emo berganda-ganda.

dah habis emo diam-diam, terus bersiap lah head to toe. turunlah aku dengan senyuman :) minta maaf sebab sibuk, takde masa nak diluang bersama. sesusah je datang, terima kasih. ye baik, aku jaga diri. doakanla tak lupa daratan ke apa. hm ye, ye.

memang kejap je pun jumpa dorang, pastu dorang balik. kawan babah tu ada lagi, kesian sebab takde sape nak ambik dia balik kot omg sambung nangis T_T sibukla dia dok cedok lauk dia tu bagi aku rasa masa aku makan nasi ayam mak aku. ma, ma taknak duduk makan dengan ayu ke T_T mama tak makan pun, mama duduk teman jap je T_T pastu auntie pun balik. tenang seminit. siap makan. terus bertolak. babai.

babai sayang, awak tak ikut hantar ayu. rindu comel gemuk kebal tebal ni. suka senyum sesaje. mengada tau. awak tak ingat ayu dah. awak dah besar. pasni jumpa air liur mesti dah busuk.

dalam kete, aku duduk belakang dengan mama. diam je. diam sebab nangis hahah. bersyukur pergi airport dengan uda bukan abang lain yg bawak anak bini sama. kalau tak celah mana aku nak nyorok nanges ni. taktaula uda sedar tak paham tak pehal diam je kat belakang tu. takde teresak-esak sroih sroih pun. menangis yg air mata mengalir tak benti, mama je saksi. peluk la puas-puas, pegang tangan taknak lepas. masa tu baru rasa, sebab takde distraction pape. just me in the car, on the way to the new destination. just me, the reality and feelings. 

nak fly dah?

nak tinggalkan rumah? tinggalkan malaysia? tinggalkan mama?

paling lama pernah tinggalkan? lama gila takkan jumpa?

Allah tolong jagakan...

dah sampai airport, kabut balik. hilang dah sedih. takpe puas dah nangis tadi. kita sambung rasa cuak kalau beg ni terlebih berat dan padat, lalu aktiviti memunggah keluar barang diteruskan. sampai je, terus keluarkan barang dalam beg besar yg nak check in, dalam kete gak kat depan pintu tu lol. lepas beg besar dah check in, rombak semula beg-beg kecik cabin dalam airport. ha bilanya aku nak lek. pastu abang-abang aku yang lain pun sampai lambat. biasa dah.

sedih jugak, sebab tak dapat nikmati saat terakhir elok-elok. mama mesti stress tengok aku stress. serius aku dapat rilek bila dah lepas solat maghrib. masa tu beg semua settle akhirnya. tinggal aku je nak settle ni, sob.

masa aku tengah kabut-kabut tadi, ada kawan yang call la yang message la. aku tak sempat nak layan, jadi aku tak layan hahaha. tapi si hazirah ni, sibuk message awak kat mana awak kat mana. dah la tak datang hantar aku, tanya lagi buatpe?! kat airport la! yang aku tau nak datang hantar aku sorang je. omar dengan kamil memula kata nak datang, pastu cakap tak jadi. tapi tetiba omar ke kamil tah message cakap farabi tanya aku katne. dah kenapa kau yg tanyakan untuk dia?

aku takde hal kalau orang tak datang. selama ni aku bayangkan bila aku fly aku memang taknak sesapa ada. gua tak touching orang tak hantar la apa la. lagi bagus takde korang tengok aku emo hahah. hantar ni semua bukan apa-apa. takpe. i know yall love me anyway. hahakz.

(ok la ada sekali touching. sebab hajer tak datang, pastu orang yang nak datang tu kengkonon taktau jadi datang ke tak. saje memain dia ni. kau bebetul la, kalau tak datang cakap tak datang. biar aku dah terima awal2 kau takkan ada. macam hazirah. walaupun taknak dorang berdua ada pun, malam masa mengemas tu takleh elak dari rasa sobsob sikit)

masa tu pun aku tengah on the phone lagi, mana la nak reply orang message bagai. hidup aku kan drama sikit, jadi baiklah aku call sedara yang macam ada touching dengan aku hahaha. lepas tu, tetiba hazirah call. dia tanya awak kat mana, awak, awak, awak kat mana???

kat airport la!

dia tanya yela, dalam airport katne?!

sumpah pelik, tapi layankan jela. kat belakang sekali ada pentas, kat situla kat depan tu. tetiba je dengar orang jerit "amaaa!!" pusing je nampak haz dengan wani berlari tercungap-cungap. aku pun jerit aaaaaahhhh pastu peluk gelak-gelak hahhahha.

korang ni gila la!

memang seprais! tak sangkaaa. masa haz message tanya siap call lagi beriya bunyi kabut sikit, aku tak syak pape langsung. tetiba je ada depan mata. dorang cakap dari jauh dorang nampak budak tudung putih cakap kat fon dari belakang, dorang tau tu aku :")

faham tak perasaan kena seprais when you least expect it?!

yang sampai dulu farabi dengan omar, pastu baru bebudak perempuan ni. muar pun ada, muar kawan mrsm hazirah, tapi dah jadi kawan kepada semua kawan sekolah hazirah haha. kamil datang bawak girlfriend. ni kes takut orang fikir lain ke apa. sebab masa dia cakap nak hantar aku dekat whatsapp kelas, dak laki dah ejek-ejek dah lol. u guise pls move on. aku ada terfikir tah-tah sebab tu dia tak jadi hantar hahaha and omar pun cakap tak jadi datang. last-last dorang sume ada :')

with haz and wani, and my puffy eyes from crying in the car.

the last time i saw wani before that was two days earlier. she came over to my house to give me a farewell gift: a grey top. it's just so me! the style, the colour and even the size. as though she purposely bought one which would be suitable for uk weather. thick cotton and high neckline hehe. at that time, she said it wasn't gonna be the last time she saw me :')

muka berjaya buat seprais

of course i believed she wasn't gonna come because she couldn't. we'd said our goodbyes, even though it wasn't grand. we were never much of a suwit suwit pair of best friends anyway. sometimes only. we show it in our own ways haha. so you're not gonna send me off like other people's best friends? too bad, but alright then. later on haz told me no way she was gonna miss it. sebab lepas pergi uk, dalam wishlist dia ialah hantar aku pergi uk. awww. dahla sebelum tu siap insta gambar kitorang dengan caption "there must be a way". she found her way :')

omar, kamil and farabi. dak laki yang aku jarang sembang tapi suka kawan bila jumpa.

sebab dak laki lain macam.... hahah k. dorang ni aku tak kisah datang beraya siap habiskan kuih raya kat rumah pun. memang buat macam rumah sendiri ye, pandai bawak diri cari balang lebih yang tersimpan rapi...

jumpa jap je lepas dorang sampai, pastu kena naik atas pentas berkumpul. lama jugak, hazirah siap message apa aku buat atas tu hahah. dengar briefing, dapat pins pakai kat blazer (supaya orang tau kami students from malaysia under jpa. ada priviligenya k, macam longgar sikit security and takyah beratur lelama), baca doa. lepas turun pentas, ada beberapa minit je dengan keluarga dan sahabat handai.

selfie2, peluk2, babai. aku cam rushing jugakla. salam pun takde fefeeling. last sekali peluk dengan mama lama cium banyak kali, tapi takde nak babak air mata ayat drama ke apa. aku cam ok babai semua ha dia panggil dah kena gi sana kbyeee. lol. but seriously.

masa aku pergi beratur nak turun tu pun, kengkawan je ikut. family stay depan pentas at the same spot sebab nanti boleh tengok dari atas kot. kengkawan pun tak ikut sampai hujung, tetiba je dorang dah takde. and i was all alone. with people in tears and red faces. aku je krik krik. tenang. sempat lagi tanya orang belakang "awak ok?"

pastu turun.

masa kat escalator dah nampak di kejauhan keluargaku melambai dan memanggil :')

dah sampai bawah baru nampak kengkawan yang terlindung sikit :')

masa tu la baru nak kenal kengkawan baru hahah. serius, aku kira fly solo ni. ada yang aku kenal, tapi kenal nama je. ada baru kenal kat btn. ada gak baru kenal masa kat bawah tu. kenal muka je selama ni tapi masa tu baru tanya nama. the three of us sticked together throughout our journey to sheffield. to a new faraway land with new friends. kitorang ni geng takde geng lol and we acknowledged and embraced it! balik mesia nanti pun sesama hahah. ok tak sabar sob sob.

kitorang paling ramai. 60 orang fly serentak satu malam. memang meriah sangat airport malam tu. 

that's my family up there

orang atas semua memanggil-manggil nama, jerit, lambai. dah kata, airport malam tu bukan je meriah, tapi panas and bising! :')

then it's time to go.

that's me second at the front

so that's that. the last time i saw my family and my friends. i waved at my family to the last glimpse because they were near the last place we walked to before we completely disappeared from view.

dah duduk dalam flight, barula boleh bukak fon. baca semua pesanan. bukak hadiah. dan nangis. ha baru tau sedih. sedih baca apa orang tulis. sedih fikir apa yang kita tinggalkan. sedih terharu, sedih sayang, sedih sedih. sedih semualah. masa flight dah gelap sebab dah nak naik tu, lagila makin mencurah air mata aku. ni lagi sekali nangis yang diam takde bunyi langsung, tapi air mata mengalir tak benti. terutama masa tengah naik tu. nampak muka orang-orang yang aku sayang. yang takkan jumpa untuk beberapa lama. ingat mama. doa, doa, doa. cakap dekat diri sendiri dalam hati. cakap dekat Allah.

"this is it. this is the time you've been waiting for. for years. after everything. this is it. you're flying."

teringat segala benda yang jadi dalam hidup ni, untuk sampai ke detik tu.

aku duduk sebelah dua orang putih. nasib baik. takdela budak-budak lain nampak aku camne masa tu. takde la orang nak tenangkanla usap-usapla. no. biar sahaja aku sendiriii

i was glad i didn't cry saying goodbye. i expected myself to cry. but i didn't, because i had cried earlier, and then cried later, and i guess i was just too busy with the surrounding - taking pictures and talking, even after i was not busy with bags anymore - so i didn't get to focus on the situation. i was so cool in front of everyone. i'd like people to remember me that way. but at the same time know that i care :)

the card came with wani's top, and the rest in melah's survival kit for me

 hazirah knew i needed this, k. and hazirah knew i'd love everything pink!

and another surprise. i opened the box before boarding the plane. but read the note on the plane. hence the feelings. cis. pandai ek first attempt. surprise because this was the second farewell gift! the first one consisted of food and topup hahaha

all that and these three were what i brought with me to uk.

of course, i brought along those i love with me in my heart. it feels a bit heavy to leave, but it makes my heart big. and happy, even when i'm faraway and alone :)

C1!!!

Thanks korang sbb buat seprais tetiba datang :") you came to say goodbye to me but i'm sorry if i didn't say it properly :'( ada yang sedih katanya sebab lepas ama turun ama tak pandang pun. i'm really sorry, i didn't know what to do with you guys up there so i just waved and left... i wish we had better goodbyes. but trust me i reaaally appreciate it. terharu gila k jejauh datang, ada yang pepetang naik public transport, drive meredah kesesakan lalu lintas sume sampai ponteng kelas pun ada hm :")

Enam bulan yg lepas, stress sbb macam2 hal. Patutnya hari terakhir kat tanah air terchenta nak la tenang sikit. Tapi bagusla, sibuk sampai tak sempat nak sedih. Kat airport pun kabut dgn bag. Lepas settle semuanya, tak terasa lagi sbb family mmg ramai, tetiba kawan2 pun ada. Sibuk berpeluk bergambar pulak. Terima kasih jadi sweet surprise pleasant distraction gitu, walaupun memula aku ckp takyah datang kat sesapa :') 

It was a day i've probably daydreamt about since forever. Still seems surreal that i'm here. There were the stage, the students all in the same attire. Just like i imagined. But it was better, because it happened. Alhamdulillah. What did i feel when i was down there looking up at all the people above - the family and friends of 60 of us, calling, waving, cheering? I felt relieved. I'm not sure what exactly being happy is, but i wasn't sad. A good kind of sad, at least. 

At the end of it, there was a round of applause. It's a feeling i will never forget. The journey just began, but it felt like a pat on the back. 

So dream, because you can do it :)

p/s: yes i've lost a few pounds since i arrived. that was a fatter than usual me. not looking my best but that's alright, i did feel my best :'D

Ok dah tau dah kenapa emo sangat semalam

#gurlz #sothatwasnotme #notreally

Homesick in Sheffield

Dah kenapa tetiba homesick ni...

Tetiba sangat tau. First time. Ingatkan dapatla kata at least setengah tahun di perantauan tanpa homesick. Tapi tak kesampaian. Pernah jugak sekali terindu tapi tak sampai macam ni, mungkin sebab tak berkesempatan nak layan perasaan. Orang hepi kat airport, dalam flight nak gi turkey, masa tu la aku nak rindu mama. Mama suka jenjalan kat airport tengok apa ada. Kalau naik flight dengan mama mesti best. Ah sudah, terpaksa tahan terkebil-kebil.

Sebab tu la malas rindu-rindu ni. Payah. Biasanya takde perasaan je. Memang default mode aku dekat uk: tak rasa pape. Tengok orang lain rindu la homesick la apa la, aku macam... Lek je. Sekali tak lek, camni terus.

Sedih tak pepasal malam ni. Takde hujan takde ribut. Sedih sangat kenapa tah, haih. Puncanya tetiba je teringat dulu selalu drama dekat rumah. Lepas tu terkenang la pulak mama je yang ada untuk aku. Tempat menangis, tempat bergantung. Tempat mengadu. Ha pastu habis ah. Sampai sekarang tak reda lagi ni. Fiuuu fiuuu.

Mama jela satu-satunya yang pernah tengok aku seteruk-teruknya. Aku yang sedih dan menyedihkan. Mama takleh buat apa-apa, mungkin jugak taktau nak buat apa. Mama tak reti pujuk-pujuk ni. Mama kan bukan jenis berperasaan macam aku. Tapi ada dia je cukup, walaupun dia takleh ubah apa-apa. Dia duduk teman aku dalam bilik. Bila dia cakap sikit-sikit, tu pun dah rasa lebih dari cukup, tu pun rasa terubat sikit. "takpe...", "biar je"... Mana boleh takpe, takleh la biar, tapi sebab ada mama..... Ok T_T bila dia tepuk-tepuk, usap-usap, alihkan rambut, lap air mata tu lagi laaa T____T k kenapa aku buat diri sendiri camni ya Allah T_T

Rindu mama..... Masa call semalam dah rasa rindu semacam. Biasa call sembang je takde pun rasa-rasa ni. I don't like this :(

Ni belum ada problem lagi... Kalau ada problem lagi la teruk homesick nanti macam zaman kegelapan kat intec dulu. Nauzubillah. I try to live as drama-free as possible, even if it means keeping a distance from people. Dulu boleh gak lari balik rumah. Sekarang ni cakap kat fon pun connection takde la line tak clear la.

Harap apa yang dikeluarkan ni tak masuk balik dalam kepala. Harap esok bila bangun, kembali menjadi tiada perasaan. Harap semua ok je.

Mama nanti ayu balik tau. Sementara ni, doa jelah. Allah je boleh jaga. Jauhnya... :'(

So Much For Maturity

I have the habit of keeping old memories. because i can't rely on my own memory storage, as it has been proven to be unreliable. i keep memories in term of physical evidence. for example: writings and images, among other things. i have vaguely named folders, sometimes using only alphabets.

and i have the habit of going back to old memories, such as tonight.

randomly, a folder titled "BT".

usually this habit evokes feelings of nostalgia, if it doesn't remind me of lessons i once learned from experiences. but tonight, it evokes guilt, and makes me realize of lessons i should learn from myself

i think this is the first time i saw something i hadn't seen before, and felt something i hadn't felt before - and it pointed at me. my fingers pointed at me. it was hard at first, but i then realized this is - a bit ironically as at the time of it happening i claimed to be the mature one - a point of maturity.

i was the mature one; i wanted direction when others wandered, i wanted purpose when others experimented, i wanted exclusivity when others - well, others did have it. but not me. "too young for commitment, too old for games." that was me. that wasn't him.

but tonight, i realized i wasn't really that mature after all! it takes more than being ready to commit to be in a relationship. i played a part as well of it not reaching that stage, and thank god it didn't. even then it was already too problematic - we just clashed on many levels despite having the connection for many years. i had my faults, just like him. although he had more. ok kidding hahahah (no). k sori.

he didn't want to talk - i bottled it up till i burst. he never answered when i asked - i assumed the worst. he was always confused - i was always frustrated. he didn't share my common sense - i shared a piece of my mind. he wanted to talk - i burst with harsh words. he couldn't change for me - i wouldn't wait for him. he said he can't be the type of guy i want - i said that's okay, don't change if i'm not worth it. he asked for time to change - i didn't dare giving. he was no longer worth of my trust - i no longer bothered trying. he wanted to try - i had tried enough. his heart was not set - mine was on fire. he didn't have devotion -  i didn't have patience.

pushing him away was the right thing to do but the way i did it was not. the worst were the words i said with disdain. that was not mature. i even felt i could be the one who's wrong. it actually made me sad reading what came out from my own mouth and imagining how it must have made him felt so bad :( it wasn't always that way, but still, saying things like he didn't care and all. i didn't curse, but i was harsh. the way i handled his immaturity proved mine. we were immature in different ways. we both weren't ready. i can pretty much justify everything i did as listed above, but not my harsh words.

bila baca balik, macam "alahai tak matangnya kau."

i was 17, and now i'm 21. 4 years of changes and i hope, of growing up.

maturity is not about how you are generally. it's about how you're mad or sad as hell but still able to keep your cool; for your, their, and heaven's sake, haha. maturity is not hurting people back when they hurt you. i know that now. i didn't know that 4 years ago.

i'm sorry for being immature. whatever you did, it didn't give me the right to be it.