Today I Wonder

When i do, or don't do things, in a manner of self-sabotaging, is it because i don't love myself enough, or because i don't hate myself enough to change? What does it take to completely self-hate, to get better? Does it have to come to that point? I just want to deserve good things, but i just can't bring myself to it.

The train is keeping track

If a week goes by without me having to blink back tears over how unachieved and useless i feel, that week is a success. How has life come to this point? That i have to keep track of how many times i have had these episodes in a period, that i have to check when was the last time i told somebody about this so i can put a long enough gap for my next shared breakdown session. But of course they don't have to know about the breakdown and blinking back tears part. Actually, when i have to stop myself from telling anybody about it, i start writing it here. And it helps. Now i'm back to blogging for the same reason why i started 8 years ago - because i need to let it out. I know this is a public blog, i know this will be read, but i don't care. I'm blogging on my phone now, so it feels simpler and safer, like tumblr. If i were to lash out my emotions like i have done in the past few posts on my computer, i would not have even started typing. Because it reminds me how open and vulnerable i am being on this platform, and this platform ain't private. But i want to write about it here. I want to keep track of how i am feeling and how i am living my life and how, if, it changes. I want to look back and see a week, and then a month, and then a year, went by without me not writing about these episodes at all. Of course i don't blog everytime i have it, perhaps because it is all the time, stirred and at times, triggered. But this track would be enough a record of how one day i will get passed this time and get past this all.

Tell yourself that everyday, maybe you'll be okay

I'm being super superficial lately, and i hate it. Sometimes i don't feel good about myself. It used to be i didn't feel good because i judged myself in term of the quality of life i was living and will live, but now it's that AND the quantity of compliments on my look lol. I was a school girl who knew that my friends were pretty and get all the attention and i was fine with it. It's like i accepted i was the lesser one and it made me sad but i was okay. I was never jealous. Or that maybe those kids just couldn't see that i was special and one day someone will come along and appreciate it. I thought that i wouldn't want to be liked for how i looked, at least if they liked me it was because i had substance. i was kinda proud being me even if i was not bombarded wih superficial comments, the very ones that make me question how people value me today. But back then, it was never a concern because i knew just how petty all that was. Now, knowing is not enough. After school i had this phase during which people thought i was worthy of attention at all, but i didn't want their attention. Now, i'm back to feeling lesser compared to my normal human friends, not even celebrities or instafamous whom i have no idea how they got famous in the first place and i think that's ridiculous hence i'm not gonna contribute to the trend and growing fan base. Anyway, I feel lesser, and its worse this time as i lost that self-confidence and i care about what being lesser. But i know if i were to make this statement out loud some would say i was seeking for attention or they would see that i was too bloody insecure. The latter is true. But i don't want them to see me being this pathetic. That knowledge means that i know i am not ugly and i am thankful for how i look, nonetheless i can't shake off the negativity. Now I have the only attention i want and the only one who matters, but oddly i don't find that enough. Maybe because that person is not myself. I can't see myself that way. I'm trying to love myself everyday, trying harder than ever now, when i can feel loved by another without even trying. That's really weird how things take this turn. When i was alone and lonely i didn't feel like this. Goes to show that the number one in your life is you. If you can't change how you feel about yourself, that sucky self-judgement will always find a way to creep in. So change what you need to be at peace with who you are again. Or try to be more accepting. Now, i'm gonna tell myself that i am the lesser girl and not pretend to be something i'm not, so i can have that peace i had when i was in school. Just accept it, and move on. Live and love.

When I wonder what's normal

Most days I'm okay with what I see, I even like it, and feel I'm doing okay in life - like I can accept me. Some days, small things can trigger me and completely change the way I think about myself - to the extreme. And there are days when I wonder how can those days sway from one to another, like today.

I don't deserve being treated like this

I love me. I feel sorry for me that I think badly of myself, that I am not good enough, not successful enough, not pretty enough. Because I value myself, I don't deserve seeing myself like this. She doesn't deserve this. She is capable and beautiful. Above all, she tries to be kind. And I feel sorry for her that I still think she is ugly and a failure. I don't want to. But how? If I could stop seeing myself so small, I would. Get your shit together ama, because I love you.

Third Teasing

Recently someone left a comment on a post here: "how's your life now ama?"

How's my life eh? I'm sorry i've totally abandoned this blog no matter how many times i said i wouldn't. i'm sorry to this blog, i'm sorry to the younger, hopeful, determined me, i'm sorry to my long dead hobby and what used to be my talent. it looks like i'm getting crappier as a person as i grow up. with nothing that lasts and nothing that can make me say "hey, i am good at it and i actually stick to it!"

i'm sorry to my younger self for everything that i don't end up to be. oddly enough, i guess i should say sorry to whoever who used to read this blog because i lied when i said i would keep blogging. i don't think anybody would care. but then again, i don't want to do or not do things just because people care, or not.

my latest picture. i hiked the highest mountain in british isles.

i'm living in the UK, it's my third year now, and you would think i have so much to talk about. so much to write, to preserve online so one day i can look back in the manner of modern reminiscing. but nope, i ain't blog no sht.

but i can promise you, dear commenter and whoever, that i am not as miserable as i sound. i have the tendency to converse with my blog as if my dog just died. i don't even own a dog. i can't. even if i could i don't think i would. because i'm not sure i could handle the clinginess. but i would love to have such company a dog can provide. such loyalty. i'd be devastated though once it's dead, so i don't think i would go down that road. i try to minimize future damage, you see. anyway. i'm okay. in fact, you can say i am happy. as much as i can be. and i have not been happier in a long time. so i'm good.

of course, there are days when life decides to tease me. because one can't live without being knocked down once in a while yeah? but i get up, and i am not bruised. at least, not more than i have been. generally though, besides not feeling anything, i will emphasize, i am happy. alhamdulillah.

a little about the aforementioned teasing: in these past three years, during my time away in this cloudy, foggy, tea-loving land, i have had severe existential crisis (first year), major homesickness (second year), and the usual stuff that's not surprising yet no less comforting to have to face.

tonight, i think i might have an addition to the teasing.

addition: i am lonely (third year).

wow. that sounds bizarre, coming from me. the last time i felt lonely, that was because i was involved in a little drama that made me feel alone. now, no drama, and i am alone. i have been for two years - about to be three. it's no big deal; i rarely feel lonely. i have always been contented in my solitude. at peace, even. i love me some peace after the said dramatic phase. some quiet will do me good.

i am not alone, alone. i have friends here. i have loved ones even though they are far. they never make me feel like we are apart. i may seem all by myself but i believe i am not.

but, i think... three years are enough to live like this.

tonight, i just noticed i feel lonely. i admitted to myself that now i am something i almost never was: lonely. and that is not a bad thing. i took a couple of minutes digesting this brand new information (it was not easy to grasp at first). i took my moments, then i resumed my life.

i am entitled to feeling lonely. i think succumbing to it only after two years, it's quite an achievement! some people wouldn't last two months. but i survived all this time, and i will survive this last few months. it is a big thing for me to feel lonely. hello, introvert and proud? but this introvert is entitled to this loneliness. i own it. lonely, and still proud.

sure, the situation could have been way more ideal, but you have what you have. you live with it.

it builds character. you come out stronger, more independent. now is the time when i am tired of being self-sufficient and i wish i could be dependent on somebody, but this is also the time when i have to fight this on my own, more than ever. it's my battles and demons. always have been, so i'm not going to tell other people to do it for me.

so how about that for how's my life now?

I should stop

sometimes i'm afraid because i let hatred breeds inside of me, that fear creeps in - fear that the disdain will some day cost me somehow, that it will betray me and i will have to live with what i dread most.