An Appeal Letter From A Brother

I have four bros. but today i'm blogging about the third one.

because i just found out that Uda wrote to UIA appealing for me after he found out I didn't get MARA, he wrote it the same day i found out i got JPA.

Uda is a bro unlike any other. Dialah yang paling semangat untuk aku untuk semua benda. 

aku ada 4 orang abang, kitorang bukan adik beradik paling rapat dalam dunia sebab jarak umur aku dengan dorang. tapi aku paling selesa dengan uda <3

Penaja Buku

dulu masa aku baru mula sekolah rendah, dia yang belikan aku banyak buku. dia yang bawak aku pegi MPH pastu paksa aku beli buku. semata-mata sebab nak pupuk minat membaca dalam diriku hoh. aku taknak, aku taktau yang mana best aku kata. so dia belikan aku banyak buku Enid Blyton. tetiba nanti dia bawak buku baru balik rumah, padahal buku dulu tak abeh baca lagi.

masalahnya aku tak minat buku Enid Blyton. apa rabbit monyet binatang dan hidup mereka semua ni tapi aku bacalah jugak sebab kesian kat dia pastu nanti dia bising. dahlah suruh aku baca pastu highlight perkataan tak faham dan cek maksud, takde keje aku nak bukak buku sebelah tangan, sebelah lagi belek kamus. nanti dia belek buku cerita aku pastu tanya "yang highlight purple ni kau paham ke tak?"

"paham"

"apa maksud dia?"

"emmm, tak sure tapi taulah apa yang dia nak maksudkan..."

"gi amek dictionary sekarang"

kalah cikgu sekolah. sekarang kalau aku masuk kedai buku dengan teruja mesti dia terharu kan, "dah jadi ulat buku dah adik aku...." kata dia dalam hati sambil hulur duit, aku menolak dengan sopan "eh de takyah, duit ada ni!" tapi dia insist sambil pesan "nanti resit kasi aku," kata dia yang dah buat mental math congak berapa dapat tolak cukai. lolzde.

Geng wayang dan makan

dalam post Potterhead kan aku cakap abang aku yang suruh aku tengok Harry Potter? haaa abang yang ni lah.

tau tak first time aku tengok wayang masa aku darjah 5? sedih kan hidup aku. takde sape nak bawak sob sob. semua sibuk dengan hidup sendiri sob sob. tapi uda masih ada di sisi (masa dia tak kawen lagi T____T). satu hari mak aku kejut bangun pagi, mama kata bangunnn. aku kata nantiiii. mama kata bangunnn uda nak bawak tengok Harry Potterrrr. aku terus HAAAA YE KE?! mata terbeliak.

Uda datang pagi tu ambik aku pegi KLCC wehooo (kesian aku... takde sape nak bawak jalan selalu.... semua sibuk dengan - DIAM AH AMA) dalam kereta aku macam OMG OMG UDA KENAPA TAK BAGITAUUU. pastu dia yang tengah bawak kereta laju sebab takut lambat sampai dengan rileknya berkata sebab dia taktau sebenarnya dia boleh balik ke tak minggu tu, tapi dia dah book tiket dulu. kang bagitau awal-awal tapi dia banyak keje, histeria pulak aku kecewa. so jadilah surprise.

aku macam woaaaaah. then tengok Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire pun woaaaah.

sejak tu dialah yang balik KL jauh-jauh dari Perak semata-mata sebab aku mintak dia bawak aku tengok Harry Potter (read: paksa - sape suruh kau baik sangat muahahahaa)

Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince yang last HP kitorang tengok sama. lepas habis wayang, cam biasa dia belanja makan. dia dengan aku sama, kitorang suka makan macam-macam kat restoran yang mak aku takkan sanggup makan kalau pegi sama. pas HBP, sambil makan makanan vietnam, uda kata "hek eleh, tu ke Half Blood Prince nya? aku ingat nanti ada prince dari negara lain datang lawan sama-sama dengan Harry ke apa"

aku macam DO NOT QUESTION JK ROWLING'S MASTERPIECE.

nanti dia balik KL je dia ajak aku tengok wayang, sedih tak hidup aku pegi tengok wayang dengan abang sendiri je hahah. itu sebelum zaman reti jalan ngan kawan-kawanlah, masuk sekolah menengah terus "De, kita gi Mid lah. Mines ke. jangan gi KLCC nanti jumpa kawan sekolah," HAHAHA.

sekarang beli dia dah kawen pastu ada anak memang harapanlah nak tengok wayang segala :( no more tido kat hotel Mid pastu pegi tengok midnight movie sesama :(

masa aku darjah berapa entah, dia jugak yang bawak aku pergi Petrosains dengan Dinasourous ke apa tah dulu tu, sekarang cam dah takde je. dia belikan aku macam-macam and bawak aku merata-rata. bila aku terkenang semua tu sekarang, aku rasa terharu, sebab dia macam nak aku ada pengalaman tu. childhood. dia nak aku rasa semua tu, apa yang budak lain rasa, apa yang mungkin aku rasa kalau Babah ada.

sampai sekarang kalau aku terharu or sedih or kesian kat dia, sebab dia banyak kerja or tak dapat balik or sebab dia baik sangat ke, mesti dia kata "nak kesian apanya, poyo!"

aku pulak yang dipoyokannya.

Potato Couch

abang-abang aku yang lain, dorang lain. ada yang judgemental gila. ada yang suka kutuk artis tak pasal-pasal sampai boleh gaduh aku dengan dia semata-mata sebab aku back up artis yang aku tak suka pun. ada yang rasa diri cam gempak sangat maka takleh tengok tv shows yang tah pape cam AF contonye. ada yang rasa diri matang sangat baru sekolah rendah dah tak tengok Disney Chanel. SAPEEELAH TU.

tapi Uda manade camtu. pandai je orangnye, one of best students sekolah sains dia and Negeri Pahang terus. gempak je orangnye, belum kuar result SPM dah fly US. sebab tulah mak aku ni macam sayang Uda lebih sikit (aku dengan abang aku lagi satu salu cakap "laaa mama ni sibuk-sibuk kemas rumah, masak macam-macam kenapa? yelahhh anak kesayangan nak balikkk~") bukan sebab dia pandai, tapi sebab dia memang jarang balik dan dia sangat baik. dari form 1 masuk asrama. habis form 5 terus pegi US. balik US dok Shah Alam. lepas tu pindah Perak. memang 3, 4  bulan baru jumpa. tu pun tak tentu.

despite all that, abang akulah orang yang tengok Disney, Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network. dia tengok Lizzy McGuire, That's So Raven segala yang aku pun tak tengok. tetiba kang dia tengok Evan Steven ke apa entah. pastu gelak gelak sengsorang. aku macam..... wut?

Dialah jugak yang ajar aku tengok Friends, Angel, Buffy segala masa aku tak faham english pun lagi. k fine bukan ajar tapi aku terpengaruh secara tak sengaja har har. awkward moment bila tengok America's Next Top Model dengan dia dan model-model tu menyeksikan diri.... tapi Uda buat muka pokerface je. bila tengok cite pape ada scene tak senonoh, aku saje je tengok dia buat muka "heh heh heh" LOLZDE.

itu dulu. sekarang tidak lagi sebab dah lama tak bertemu. tsk.

Cool Bro

Uda lah satu-satunya abang yang tak menggelabah jadi overprotective. ini tak boleh itu tak boleh sampai bila nak boleh pun aku taktau. "sampai kau kawen, hahaha" abang sulung aku cakap. BORING AH KORANG. sekarang dah 18 tahun pun takleh lagi tak faham aku. pastu bila aku tak reti berdikari naik lrt naik teksi sendiri, aku cari korang korang jangan bising. dah semua tak boleh kan, jadi driver aku boleh?

Uda dari dulu salu suruh aku buat semua benda sendiri, biasakan diri. tsk. tapi sebab tiga orang abang yang lain tu, sampai sekarang aku jadi anak manja yang perlukan teman. tsk.

Uda jugak cool bila sampai bab lelaki, tak cam abang lain yang bajet bukan laki pulak korang sebenarnya. beberapa minggu lepas, jiran aku, arkitek yang kaya raya buat kenduri kahwin. anak jiran dia semua dah kahwin, kahwin pun dengan dak-dak sini jugak, yang pernah sama sekolah, pernah kawan biasa. bila dah kahwin semua tinggal sebumbung sebab arkitek ni sentiasa renovate rumah dia untuk keperluan semasa. sorang je anak laki dia belum kahwin.

aku lupa camne topik ni leh timbul... tapi aku rasa puncanya ialah aku cakap aku taknak pegi belajar mana-mana. macam biasa bila aku buat perangai camtu, mama cakap "habis nak buatpe, kawen?"

tah macam mana dari situ, boleh lak Uda gemok ni cadangkan aku kahwin ngan anak arkitek. Uda suruh aku pergi kenduri kahwin tu nanti, tunjuk muka sikit manalah tau mak dia nak buat menantu, mak dia kan selalu suruh mak aku bawak aku pergi kenduri dorang. menantu dia semua pun orang-orang sini je. aku pun joinlah sekali "haah kalau kawen dengan anak arkitek konfem tak homesick sebab selang satu rumah je! hahahah" tetiba terus hepi, tah pape entah.

aku selalu taknak pergi kenduri dorang bukan je sebab aku malas, tapi sebab aku dulu pernah kawan dengan anak sedara arkitek yang pernah sekolah dengan aku... pastu dia asyik2 ajak pergi kenduri tu. lagi kau ajak lagi aku taknak tau takkk. Uda dua tiga kali cakap pasal anak arkitek, semangat pulak dia.

tapi itulah, Uda. dia sorang je yang tak cakap aku gatal kalau aku sebut "lelaki" atau "kahwin". ye abang-abang aku yang lain sangat koman, dah lupa agaknya dorang dulu umur aku lagi dah ada makwe(s). sekarang aku tau sape leh jadi wali kalau aku kahwin lari :') LOLOL.

Support Study

dulu masa aku nak masuk asrama, dia yang paling excited. sebab nasib aku sama macam dialah konon baru form 1 dah terpisah dengan keluarga. orang lain ada jugak ragu-ragu, aku pun macam tak sedap hati time tu. tetiba je padahal aku lah yang nak masuk asrama sangat dulu. sebab tak dengar kata hati awal-awal, aku keluar MRSM kemudian. kempunan uda nak melawat aku kat asrama. 7 bulan aku dok situ tau tak, sempat je nak lawat setiap minggu (7 bulan kat situ 2 kali je kot family datang tsk) sape suruh kau workaholic sangat.

lepas form 5 masa aku dok pening pasal masa depan, Uda pun membantu dengan kata-kata semangatnya "engineer taknak engineer?"

"taknakkkk!"

setiap kali aku konfius setiap kali tu jugaklah dia tanpa putus asa "engineering takmau?"

"TAKMAULAH DE!"

bila aku mintak pendapat dia apa aku patut buat, dia memang tak membantu... aku salu cakap Uda memang dilahirkan untuk jadi engineer, bukan psychologist, bukan kaunselor. sebab jawapan standard dia ialah "mana aku tau", "buat jelah pape kau suke", "entahlah yu", "taknak jadi engineer?"

if you expect inspiring words and motivation from someone, let it not be Uda. being true to his profession, Uda is only up for practical things, like bringing you to the cinema and booking a holiday trip, or writing an appeal letter. 

kat email tu yang part "opposed by her siblings" tu, opposed by dia je sebenarnya. hahah. but blood is thicker than water, bila aku tak dapat study apa aku nak study, tukang oppose terus jadi tukang support. sian Uda gemok semangat buatkan aku appeal letter, cam nak nangis pun ada.

Pemurah Macam Babah

sangat sangat sangat sampai mama pun selalu cakap dia cam babah. nuff said.

comel je uda :')

dulu kan aku obsess blog pasal sorang budak laki hensem kan?

haaa budak tu anak dia lah tu.

there are many things that set him apart from other brothers, even my other brothers, but let's just keep that to myself, and to my poorly-kept-memories because i want to blog more about this but have forgotten what i wanted to mention.

sometimes i wonder if i will suffer from Alzheimer. God forbids. but if one day i will, i know just someone who's gonna write letters and send emails to all doctors asking for their attention for his little sister's treatment.

a brother.

Miss Lonely Missing Haje, Mai, Dna and Youuu

pedulikan tajuk gedik.

Hari Ahad haritu aku sedih jugak fikir yang aku tak pergi asasi. hepi memang hepi tapi sedih sebab tak dapat bersama rakan-rakan tercinta. terutama rakan tercinta gendut Haje Paje yang sepatutnya jadi roommateku, tsk.

muka form 2

Aku dah banyak kali bayangkan camne hidup serumah dengan dorang, sebilik dengan dia sebab nak bagi diri teruja sikit fikir pasal asasi. sebab ada geng, terus osem life nanti. barang lektrik pun dah bahagi2 sape nak bawak apa. pastu kitorang mesti salu tangkap gambar, camwhores lah katakan. gambar sendiri itu pasti, gambar bilik, katil, almari, lubang jamban pun mesti tangkap punya. haih tak kesampaian.

DAHLAH DAH BELI DUA BAJU KURUNG SAMA DENGAN HAJE PAJE TAPI TAK DAPAT PAKAI BERSAMAAAAA. AWAKLAH TAKNAK PAKAI SAMA DENGAN KITA MALULAH BOYANLAH, KITA NAK JE JADI KEMBAR AWAK TGK SKRG TAK DAPAT PAKAI LANGSUNG PADAN MUKA. takpe nanti kita kuar jalan kita pakai baju tu ye tsk tsk.

aku tinggalkan wall post yang berjela bebel sengsorang kat wall si Haje tapi dia takde respon. message pun tak balas. budak ni marah aku ke apa. tetiba hari Ahad tu -

• Haz

  • Awak kita sedih gila. Kita tatahu nak reply apa. Sorryyyyy

• Sunday

  
  

  Ama

  • alaaaaa sorry janganlaaa sedih  kte pun sedih jugak kte dah bygkan mcm2 dah hidup ngan korang  nanti pakai baju kurung pun teringat awak. sorry tauu jganla marah kte. kte takut tak jumpa kawan cam awk kat intec nanti. tp nnt kte boleh jumpa sbb kte kat shah alam je. jgn sedih tau. awk ade wani ngan melah ngn kawan2 mrsm awak. jaga diri 
• Sunday

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Haz

  • Hmmm. Ye lah wakk. Kita satu rumah je ngan kamilah n wani. Tak dpt sebilik pun. Hafizah lambat sket. So dia blok lain. Hmmm. Ye lah wak. Ha*** ckp nnti dia ble bawak kt jumpa awakkk. Sbb dkt. Wuwuwu. 
• Sunday

  
  

  Ama

  • alolo ha*** tau awak akan merindui kte  nanti nak kuar bagitaula kte boleh jumpa. sape roommate awak? kenal tak? untunglahhh melah and waniii
• Sunday

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Haz

  • Awak. Kita x congratulate awak lagi. Congrats. Jgn lupa kita.
  • Awakkk. Time kita text awak ni tgh beratur nak daftar lepas da masuk bilik. Dia psg lagu titanic pula. Cambunguk. Lg la kita sedih. T_T hmmm. 
• Sunday

  
  

  Ama

  • kte takkan lupa  awk pun jgn lupa kte. pastu jgn marahh ktee. lol dengar lagu titanic awak ingat kte ke apa ni? ha*** must be so jelez ahahhaa
• Sunday

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Haz

  • Tak. Room mate kita. Org baru. Tak kenal. Dia tauu. Nnti la if can kita bgtahu la awak ya.
  • Sengal kita ingat awak laaa. 
  • Kamilah n wani kirim salam. Melah nk text awak smlm tp battery dia kong. Awak tahu takkk. Dia nak suruh berdaftar. Dr beratur pnnjg. Suruh naik bilik amek x-ray dah agak2 beratur stgh jam dia soh dok kat khemah pula. Fuuuuu.
• Sunday

  
  

  Ama

  • awak kte nak nangis  fuuuuuuuu on behalf of you. oh k w'salam. kate kat dorang kte suruh dorg buat awk hepi tsk tsk. nanti kalau free updatela kte about orientasi and asasi
• Sunday

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Haz

  • Kan kan. Sedih en. Lol. Okay nnti kita suruh diorg. Tp td diorg da ckp ngan kita, awak da tak dpt jaga kita on behalf of Ha***, wani dah offer untuk dia n melah jaga kita kat sini. wuwuwu
• Sunday

  
  

  Ama

  • wuwuwuuwwwuuu untunglahhh ramai nak jagaa. sape nak jaga kte nanti :"(
• Sunday

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Haz

  • Elehh. U'll find great friends sana nantiii. Wuwuwu. Kalau kita bosan nnti kita text awak kat sini ah. Rajin2 cek inbox!
• Sunday

  
  

  Ama

  • KTE MMG NAKK AWK TEXT KTE SALU. eleh nanti dah jumpa kawan len upa kte.... tsk. kte takutla jadi cam kat mrsm dulu. nak sgt masuk tp jumpa org teruk pastu kte blah. lolol. awk tgh buatpe? busy beratur?
• Sunday

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Haz

  • Haha. Helleh. Jgn ah weh. Jgn ah biar kita lupa awak. Eh. Kita dok asrama elok je contact awak smpi skrg! Awak jgn mcm2. Kita dah ah lapar gila ni x makan tghari. T_T kita tgh dok kat khemah ni. Ada kerusi la tapi. Isi borang. Kita x mingle ngan org lain pun. Kamilah n wani yg berkenalan ngan org dok seblah2. Mostly kamilah ah. Lol. Kita stay 'reserved' . Eceh
• Sunday

  
  

  Ama

  • ahahhaaaa. kalau awk lupa kte siap awkk. yelaa takutlaaa. agak serik jadi camtu. dulu boleh tukar skolah senang lagi, sekarang kalau jadi camtu kena start over balik mintak upu sume nooo. nauzubillah hah. act kte tak konfem pun kan nak accept intec kalau dpt dulu, mcm malas pun ade. tapi pas cek pastu mara ckp tak dpt pastu puas nangis, baru tau feeling sebenarnya. bila dpt under jpa terus gembiraaa. when we lost something only then we'll appreciate it~ mcm awk lost kte ah. lolzzz. well, wani and melah~ awk ni nak reserved2 la nanti bertambah ramai org minat tau dak
• Sunday

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Haz

  • Pebenda pula. Ni semua pompan kot kat sinii. Dpn kolej kediaman! Haha.ha ah. Kita nangis awak tak g. Wuwuwu.
• Sunday

  
  

  Ama

  • betul ke awak nangissssss :') well watch out for lesbos
    
    
• Yesterday

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Hazirah Harith

  • Dehekkkkk

COMELNYA KITORANG. EH. SEDIHNYAAAA KITORANG.

muka form 3

dulu Haje Paje ni awkward moment je sentiasa kat sekolah. aku ajar dia bagi tak awkward sangat (padahal diri sendiri pun awkward awww). dia awkward tapi ramai suka, aku awkward pastu ramai menyampah. hahahah. sebab ramai minat dia, asyik aku je kena jadi orang tengah. malaslah tau takkk melayan orang tanya pasal korang rakan2 cunku.

salah satu Lessons With Ama ialah "pajeroh, M cakap kat S awak comel tau tak. kita bet dia tengah tengok awak sekarang pas dia senyum kat awak tadi. awak pandang belakang, putarkan kepala 360 darjah konon-konon macam cari orang, pastu buat-buat eh ternampak dia lagi, yang mesti tengah usha awak, pastu awak senyumlah sikit. sikit je jangan senyum nampak gigi senyum senget segala. 0.5 saat senyum, pastu padang depan balik. buat sekarang!"

pastu dia masuk Aloga, terus jadi budak top hot. tak perlukan Amanya lagi untuk mendidiknya agar tidak awkward sebab dia dah osem semula jadi. tsk.

omegod.... aku wingwoman Haje. aku Barney. Haje Ted. tapi dalam dunia kitorang Haje dah jumpa The Mother dulu, wuwuwuw.

Haje's The Mother nak bawak dia jumpa aku nanti....? awww. sama ada sebab dia rasa terhutang budi banyak meluahkan perasaan kat aku atau tu taktik dia nak suruh aku jadi chaperone la tu. yelah dah tak dapat jadi Gurdian Angel aka Bodyguard Haje seperti yang dipinta, chaperone lagi sekali pun jadilah kan.

diambil dari sini

kita pun berair mata sikit wak, sobs. awak dahlah kurang memaparkan emosi seperti robot je awak ni tapi kalau awak nangis pasal kita, konfem ah sebab kita bermakna dalam hidup awak kan kan hahaha.

awak ingat kan kita cakap awak macam mak kita? padahal awak lagi cam budak-budak tau muka cam baby suara cam kartun, tp awak cam mak kte sebab kte suka tumbuk, picit, cubit dan sebagainya lagi kat awak. kalau kita masuk ngan awak mesti kita tak sedih sebab awak ada, awak leh jadi mama kita pastu Ha*** jadi papa kita LOLLL. dalam buku kuning 3C1 pun awak ingat kte cakap awak cam mak kte sebab kte banyak cerita benda tah pape kat awak and sebab awak tau baik buruk kita. tapi lagi banyak buruk ah. takpe awak je tau :')

muka form 4

kita takkan risau pasal pape dah kalau kita masuk Asasi, risau pasal study je. pasal kawan semua settle. kalaulah satu tempat tu semuanya orang yang bukan-bukan, at least kita ada korang. takyah batak nak buat kawan baru pun takpe hahaha. kita masuk Intec nanti banyak kita kena risaukan, terutama hal kawan. sebab kita taknak jadi macam dulu lagi. sebab tu kita risau pasal kawan baru, orang lain semua tak risau sebab depa tak pahammm.

dulu masuk asrama dalam otak kita, kita perlu risau pasal nak adapt je. pasal kawan takyah fikir pape, kita senang buat kawan. awak taulah kita dulu kat SKLK camne kan, perangai lain dengan sekarang. kawan pun ramai. tapi rupanya kita takde masalah pun adapt kat suasana baru, berdikari walaupun sebelum tu kat rumah dok goyang kaki. tapi tanpa dijangka kawanlah jadi masalah besar kita... tsk tragis tak hidupku.

it's really sad how i can't be roommies with my besties. we once wished we could live together, we've got the chance but now we can't. i've imagined how it would be like but it won't happen. it's what i have to do. i wish i'll find someone like you :'(

Rindu Haje. tsk. dulu dah terpisah masa form 4, sekarang terpisah lagi. if we survived two years, we sure can survive this :') dah macam long distancelah kita dua. prektis, prektis for the real deal haha.

muka sekarang

pastu tengok dp Diena gambar dia dengan Mai kat matriks Johor (tempat aku patut masuk jugak), cantikkk sangat. cantik sangat kawan-kawan kita semuaaaa ni weh geram aku tengok. nasib baik perempuan hahahhaa. ehhem ehhem *buat muka gatal macam kita ngan Ai salu buat dalam kelas. mula-mula kita tenung gambar mengagumi kecantikan, tetiba terkebil-kebil mata berair. dahel. 

rindu korang punya pasal lah ni. kawan-kawan terrapat masa form 5. kan kita last year cerita macam-macam kat korang. sekarang nak cerita kat sape.... :"( kita dulu tiga sama-sama pendek je, jadi jalan together pun tak rasa rendah diri. hahahaaa. 

sama-sama kemetot

i rarely feel lonely you know. aku bukan orang yang "kesunyian, perlukan teman.... dot dot dot". aku orang yang suka dok sengsorang, berminggu-minggu tak contact ngan sesapa pun takde hal. introvertlah katekan. memang jarang rasa bosan, jarang rasa alone. tapi sekarang, first time lepas habis sekolah, selepas 7 bulan, memang rasa sunyi. memang Miss Lonely.

to my friends (sklk, krk, AB Fam, FB pals, whoever you are) who have left and who are going to leave, good luck! i will miss you guys so much, i wish we can study in the same place and live in the same house, i actually got two opportunities to do so. but i'm gonna go to a new place and meet new people and it seems scary without good friends besides me. so please pray everything's gonna be okay :') sayang semuaaaaa ♥

MARA And I, It's Complicated

My story with MARA... it's complicated. at first i was heartbroken. i tried to move on and was happy again to settle with my second choice, asasi. i didn't tell anyone about it because i knew the list wasn't fully updated yet, since it was supposed to be released today.


for three days i kept coming back. every time i read MARA's apology, it hurts less than before because i began to accept the fact more and more.


yesterday, we called someone from MARA who was supposed to be my 'cable' but i refused to use her (why? keep on reading). according to her, yep, my name's not in the list at all. she said i couldn't even appeal because i was rejected straightaway and my name's not even in the waiting list. the feelings all came back and i didn't even try to hide it.


today, i braced myself. i got the perjanjian stamped (rugi kalau stamp padahal tak konfem masuk asasi), i had a medical check up, and shopped for the last time for things to bring along to puncak alam. but before that, i just found out that my code, LN0332, the result would only be released today. and i, despite telling myself not to, saw that ray of hope again. but it was the same old apology, nothing new.


i got bored and then i thought of doing something i first thought about when i found out i didn't get MARA. i wanted to check my friend's result, those who did get it. because who knew if it's the laptop or user id's fault? with all the different websites and passwords and cookies, my lappy might be crazy.


i remembered that i have a list of ic numbers of my classmates.

i typed one particular ic number of a friend who got MARA.

and guess what?


something weird just happened. i tried to check the result using my friend's ic num, cos i knew she got mara. but then it was my name. appeared on the screen. i reload the page but it's still my name with my course and the place and the date.

i tried again and again until the point when it's my friend's name again. i cleared my cache and cookies (if that has anything to do with it). i tried again. it's her name. but after several times, it's my name again.

and when i replaced her ic with mine in the url, sometimes it's my name, sometimes it's hers.

i mean... wut is this sorcery :O


after a while, my name didn't show up. only a blank page. i accepted that my theory (they have all our details already and if we got it, they'd publish it) was relevant and i accidentally saw my unpublished details when i played around with ic numbers.


when i almost gave up, i thought there's no harm in trying for the last time.

and there it was.

i tried again and again. this time, no apology, no blank page, no swapped details with Nad Fitri (hewhew). i called my bros to check it for me, and they got the same TAHNIAH!!! one of them called the supposed-to-be cable and she was surprised too. she said she didn't have any authority to know what happened to my application. as far as she was concerned, i didn't get it because my name's not under MARA. but none of us knew it's because my name's under JPA.


i will be sponsored by JPA. as far as we're concerned, it's a scholarship. but that's not confirmed yet.


i still can't believe it. i'm afraid to believe it. i want it but when i get it, i think i don't deserve it.

aku memang manusia macamtu. tak dapat, nak. dah dapat, rasa tak layak. tak dapat, nangis. dah dapat pun nangis jugak.


nangis kenapa? baca bawah ni. this is a post i made after i found out i didn't get MARA. after all those feelings, i found out i actually got it. but not MARA, not a loan. even better. i have more feelings than all the people who got MARA put together :'D


if you read it, you will know that i wasn't sure whether i would go to INTEC if i got it.

will i or will i not?


baca sampai habis baru tau. jangan skip sampai ending macam kau skip tengok finale tv show atau skip baca muka surat terakhir buku cerita. tak sopan betul main scroll scroll.



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Kids, this is a story of my MARA and me.

i was shopping for asasi (the only time i don't feel sad or homesick thinking about leaving) so i had no idea of what's happening in the internet world as i was in the real world (rare phenomenon, i know). when i was 'browsing' clothes at the speed of browsing the internet, i got a phone call.

nope, not Mara. it was a friend. i have developed a habit of not picking up calls. i can be laying on bed, forming butterfly shadows with my hands but if i don't feel like talking, i won't answer it. this time, this is the case. little did i know why he was calling me, not until i resumed my internet life.

some of my friends got it, congrats! i'm so proud of you guys  :")

it took me hours to find out mine, as for the first three hours i was on the wrong website, and the real website was jammed with young people with high hopes wanting to know their fate.

hence start the wall posts, messages, calls and everything from everyone asking me about it. friends, i was on FB and my phone was on all the time but i didn't know my result yet, so i didn't see why i should answer your question with "taktau lagi ah, sat naaa."

it was kind of stressing me out, i know you guys had good intentions. but just, chill. aku sebelah mak aku jap-jap reload page result pun lek je, mak aku taktau pun apa sedang berlaku dan terus fokus ke arah tv. aku memang macam tu, untuk benda macam ni, aku nak hadapi sengsorang. every result i got be it UPSR, PMR, boarding school offer, SPM, interview offer, i would want to handle it on my own, not with cheerleaders behind me or counselors besides me.

this is the funny part.

when i found out Mara result was out, the only thing i was thinking was

"oh ok... if i get it that means i won't have to leave this sunday, yeay!"

"i won't be bothered packing at the last minute like this! wehoo!"

"INTEC is so dekat dengan rumah angah, my second home, LOL OVERNIGHT EVERYDAY!"

with that mindset... how the hell am i going to live in another country? 

and "BUT I'M NOT GONNA BE ROOMMIES WITH HAJE THIS IS SO SAD WHAT IF MY UNKNOWN ROOMMIES GONNA BE SOMEONE BAD?"

"but Intec dekat dengan shopping malls and kedai makan unlike asasi which is so isolated macam mana nak cari makanan best? yeay!"

when people ask me "kalau dapat Mara tak pegilah Palam kan?"

my answer is "tengoklah camne nanti/hm maybe/nantilah fikir"

the awkward moment when i, i, i have to think about studying overseas first. I. 

do you know who I am?

i was the little girl who was 3 when i went to US and UK to visit my bros, watched them graduate, wearing robes and throwing their graduation hats while i peed in my skirt because i didn't tell anyone i wanted to go to toilet because i was shy with their friends and didn't want to ruin the moment which was captured in pictures with me grabbing my front trying to block my urine. the point is, since then, i was the little girl who wished to study overseas.

i was the little girl who always dreamt of watching the snow fell down to the ground through my window, i knew it was silly sebab Malaysia takde salji, and i knew it right then that one of the reasons why i wanted to study overseas was because i wanted to play with the snow, going to places my bros had gone to, taking pictures with the same backgrounds, the Eiffel Tower and everything when they went on Europe Trip, and all the more appropriate and mature reasons even you know.

i was the girl who tried to be active in koko since i was in standard 4, who knew i must get 5 A's in UPSR, when many kids didn't bother to do so because i wanted to collect certificates and be qualified to get myself into boarding schools. during orientation week at Serting i was asked why did i want to be in MRSM and holding the mic i said because i wanted to study overseas. even when i was no longer in MRSM, i participated in almost everything i knew i could do and tried to get straight A's in all freaking tests when nobody else gave a crap about it because i wanted to study abroad. 

i was still that girl last year. but this year, i lost her.

i began to think that i would be happy to study locally, as long as i study psychology. for the first time i wouldn't mind being in a local university, as long as i study what makes me happy. i was happy with the thought of studying psychology in UIA, it's the interest that matters, not the place. psychology changes who i was to be the new me, the old me was lost as another fantasy.

i began to think what if i can't survive elsewhere despite convincing myself that by the time i was 20, i would be ready. i could not help thinking of this one thing that partly made me leave Serting, wholly made me not wanting to go to boarding school again, made me need to stay here for as long as i can. i used to think that other people don't have to think about it, they are free to fly high, while i'll stay at the same old ground and never use my wings to shoot for the sky. i thought i was being selfless and making sacrifices. but actually this thing never pulls me back, i turn around on my own accord.

i began to think even if i get Mara, i still can do A-level and get a degree from a local university. when i found out some IPTA accept A-level, i knew maybe that's the path for me.

i think there are some points in life which define your maturity and priority. i think this is one of it - accepting that studying overseas is not everything. studying what you love, maybe is.

but now it seems like i won't have both. i didn't get to study psychology in UIA, and.....

i didn't get Mara.

why i didn't straight away tell you guys that i didn't get it is because i was not looking forward to seeing your reactions. it feels like i'm thinking more about what people would think than what i'm feeling. it's like not getting a boarding school offer all over again. this whole "ama dapat mane?", well, been there, done that. that bothered me when i didn't even want to go to asrama again to begin with. 

maybe it's the same case with Mara loan.

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?

what did i feel?

at first i was like.... what? and then i kept trying again and again but it was the same answer, the same sorry, and i went numb. so i was like, ok fine.

i didn't know what went wrong. 

i don't mind if i didn't get it because i didn't deserve it, but if they made a mistake, i just can't. i'm not gonna wonder what went wrong during the interview because i knew that's the best i could do (without being a dominant and trying to set a balance). what else do you want? it's never enough. i didn't get any asrama offer after PMR and i didn't get any scholarship offer after SPM. what else?

But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?

oh, maybe the fact that i had a 'cable' but i didn't use it because i believe everyone should play it fair and square, and that i didn't want a place granted to me by using the cable took someone's away, it's like stealing, you know?


Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things


i'm afraid it's not meant to be but with the help of the cable i got it and went against Allah's plan, it would backfire in cases such as failing studies, hating the subjects, feeling regret, breaking the loan and starting over when my peers have graduated or having troubles to adapt, major homesick and returning to Malaysia as a drop out. lol i think too much, but these things happen you know.


when you take the wrong path, something will happen to force you to follow the right track where your destiny will be.

i've had enough of that with MRSM already, so no risk for me. or so stupid of me, i can't tell.

but i constantly tell myself to stop questioning because i'm just not good enough as Allah's servant to get this one blessing, many even, so i should be thankful that i lost this one rather than other things i love. that shuts the hell out of me.

i just feel it all goes to waste. the feeling when i didn't get SBP/MRSM offer, it's the same. i wasn't sure if i was going to accept it but it didn't mean i didn't want it. to get a scholarship is like to be declared 'worth it' or something, but of course, that makes no sense as that's my emo mind talking.

i also feel how i'm always the one who's very happy and extremely excited when my friends get good results, get study offers, get happy sappy love stories and whatever all the time. i'm always proud of them. i guess it's not their time yet to be happy, excited and proud of me.

So I throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air,
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair!

it's the same case with Robin's infertility. you don't want to, but it's not fine to not being able to change your decision because you aren't able to. i know i had a lot of thinking to do if i got INTEC, but that's okay, because if i was done thinking, i would go with my instinct. at least i'd have a choice.

i still remember after SPM my bro took me to INTEC and showed me the place he once studied at before he went to US, and in my head and heart i was like "i want to go here. i should be here." ah, the feeling you had after SPM. the feeling of seeing the door wide opened, walking out of it and going places. the optimism. after a while, i see the road ahead of me becoming shorter and shorter.

to know i didn't get MARA, which is goodbye overseas and goodbye psychology, it hits me. what am i gonna do with my life? yes i have broader options but that's the problem, i don't wanna be confuse again. i wanna be where i was a few months ago; certain, Psychology, UIA, INTEC and nothing else.

Yeah, I’ll send out a wish, yeah, I’ll send up a prayer
And finally someone will see how much I care

i knew i tried enough for the last 11 years of my life, but i didn't pray enough for the past few months. i didn't pray about getting MARA, i didn't go all "oh Allah i must get MARA by all means i don't care if it's the wrong thing for me i. must. get. it." that's how i prayed for SPM result, that i must get it. but when it comes to making the right choice like the matters of getting boarding school, university and scholarship offer, i just hope that if i it's right for me, then grant it to me. if it's not, then don't.

as simple as that.

so i don't know if it's the power of my doa which sometimes crossed my mind or just the lack of doa which should be spoken at all time. maybe if i prayed harder, it wouldn't even make a difference because it's not my fate, or maybe i would have gotten the offer.

ugh this is the result when 2:216 gets into my head.

"But it is possible that you dislike a thing which is good for you, and that you love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knows, and you know not." 

i wonder if this is the best for me, of if i did less than i should to deserve the best.

all of these thoughts and feelings came after i was finally alone. before that, i had a pokerface on. i gave myself time to deal with reality, using the same advice i would never as a psychologist because i'll never be one, which is "crying is ok, let it all out now, and leave it here for good later".

i took a few minutes sobbing over my unfortunate event and the rest, sobbing while watching Glee. i watched 4 episodes up to the season finale. it's a coincidence that the episodes and my life had many similarities. so i just had a lot of feelings you know.

this time last year, this was so relevant in a different story. but now, it still is, in another.

i am always like Rachel in some ways. last year, i found myself being her in some situations and some people being other characters, it was as if Glee was role-playing my life (LOL). this year, it's about both of us who had always dreamt high. what we want, we get. we make it happen. but the dreams we've had for as long as we could remember perished into a disaster.

“Everything dies. Maybe the saddest of them all is the death of a dream.”
Rachel Berry

when i watched yesterday's episode, i didn't know my result yet but i had a feeling that i would face the same thing Rachel did.

"do i look different? i feel different. in some ways, it's a relief, to be a part of the crowd. my dreams are smaller now, maybe even more real. i can grieve it, and move on. so, i'm not gonna get everything i ever wanted, that doesn't make me a loser."

is it  a bad thing when i wished Rachel was never gonna get into NYADA because i would love to see her in my shoes, to see what she would do and then i can do the same thing?

but unlike Rachel who would do anything to get what she wants, i'm always wondering about destiny and worrying about taking the wrong path. to Rachel, going to NYADA and becoming a Broadway star is her destiny, her path. but to me, anything can be.

that's why when Rachel went to see the judge for her audition asking for another chance, i didn't go to meet UIA's dean to ask for mine or even use the cable to get MARA. when Rachel nailed the national and got accepted into NYADA, i bit my nail wishing i had the same courage and certainty.

Can I start again, with my fate shaken?




maybe i am more like Kurt in this case. Kurt didn't suck at the audition, but didn't get the place.

i woke up with puffy eyes (who wouldn't? Glee winning national, finally! an graduating! like whaaat?! and oh my life).

now i'm sober, i'm accepting the fact that i will be leaving home this Sunday for asasi. the excitement to be with my friends hit me again. i'm gonna be roommies with my besties, i'm gonna have a circle of good friends i already know and expand it by meeting new people, everything's gonna be okay.


after all, before INTEC wasn't asasi where i expected myself to be?

i thank Allah for giving me a chance to be with my old friends in a new place, at least if things go wrong, the people will still be right.


"There’s no way of knowing for sure where the safest place is. So the best you can hope for is to have some good company.” - Ted. 

it's gonna be just like SMKLK


i left MRSM feeling sad, and i didn't get any offer 3 years later with regret, but who knew SMKLK gave me memories i would treasure forever? with people i never thought i would be friends with but we ended up doing and sharing everything together, in the daily school which in my first year i didn't want to spend five years of my life at thinking it's ridiculous because i was destined to be in a boarding school, and leaving it with a result just as good as those from the schools i didn't get to go to.

when i was 12, i never thought i would end my high school years at SMKLK. but i did. when i was 17, i never thought i would start my tertiary education at asasi puncak alam, but i will.

Another turning point a fork stuck in the road 
Time grabs you by the wrist directs you where to go 
So make the best of this test and don't ask why 
It's not a question but a lesson learned in time 

It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right 
I hope you've had the time of your life 


- Green Day's Time Of Your Life

TOTALLY RELEVANT IN THE CASE OF KRK, AB FAMILY AND INSYAALLAH ASASI.



PALAM, here i come!

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will i still go to PALAM now?


well, three days ago i knew how it felt to not get it. today, i know how it feels to get it.


maybe Allah purposely let me taste my disappointment so when i have the chance to get what i want, i know what to do.


and what i will do is.... i'm going to INTEC.


Insyaallah.


Ya Allah, if this chance given to me is a blessing granted, then lead my heart to it. but if it's a distraction, then take me away from it. show me the best choice and guide me to the right path. if INTEC is not the best for me, then fix my heart to go to Asasi. i know nothing while You know best, and You're The God who's All-Knowing. Amin.




Alhamdulillah, that's all i can say.




kids, like i said before,

sometimes, what we want will come to us the moment we stop hoping.