Of Blogging and Those Things

I'm writing on impulse. for the first time in a long time, i'm writing without knowing what to write, without worrying of people's insight. i'm writing, as i should write.

i remind myself of the first reason why i wanted to start blogging, 5 years ago. blogging was not the 'it' thing. in fact, i barely knew any blogger be it in real or virtual life. what i knew was; i wanted to write. i saw things and i thought about things, sometimes in a way i knew others would not because it was about the simplest things like how a squirrel was sitting on a tree and why a girl in a school uniform was standing in the pouring rain to the most complex of matters.

and i wished if i could document all my thoughts and record all my insights, how i viewed the world and how i tried to see things which were not there to be seen. i did not want any of it to be forgotten or wasted. boy i thought i was deep. lol.

but what happened when i finally had a blog...? rubbish, rubbish errywhereee.

i remind myself of the second reason why i wanted to start blogging, 5 years ago. but this might be the first reason. also the reason why i wanted to be a writer since God knows when. i wanted to let my secrets out. gosh i was so secretive back then. to let it aaall out. i told nobody nothing. i didn't want people to know but at the same time i did. so i figured i would let people know... by not letting them to know it's me. geddit?

in fact, my first blog was a personal, private blog. but since Keretapi, i've noticed how i'm not as private as i once was. and i don't like that. na-ah. me no likey the new open me. me also no likey how me no write the way i should be writin like i wanted to write the first time i bloggin.

ugh. now you see what i'm talking about right? 

i've been through all phases; the beginner-who's-sincere phase, the blogger-baru-nak-up-suka-mencapub phase, the blogging-blogwalking-commenting-for-the-sake-of-readers-and-followers phase, and let me tell you, the two later phases gave no pleasure like the first one; the sincere beginner. so now i'm in the i-don't-care-if-no-one-cares-and-is-impressed-as-long-as-i-get-to-express-not-suppress phase.

i can't be lazy. everyday i have something to say, but i'm lazy to elaborate since my blog posts are usually long so i end up making a long facebook status about it instead. i can't have rules of blogging, because these rules are what make me lazy in the first place. like the long posts rule for example. i don't even know when the rule is made. or who made it. it's just, there.

i want to be free. i want to be artistic. i want to be deep. i want to be insightful. i want to be creative. i want to be the writer. i want to be the poet. i want to be the bloggers whom i love just by reading their beautiful words. i want to express, not to impress, not to suppress. i want to be me without leaving some other parts of me outside Keretapi.

which brings us to...

i think i need to write in private for it to be personal, like being alone in a room without the presence of other people. not only the process, but also the result is in private. which means i'll be blogging in secret. but, let me quote myself,

"i want to be heard, but i don't want to be seen. i want to be understood but i don't want to be noticed. i want to make a difference, but i don't want to be recognized."

and let me quote Hanis Zalikha,

"kalau orang tak baca, tak sampailah messagenyaaa."

or i just need to write elsewhere, where i can be me but my identity will remain a mystery. so they will read, but they won't care.

or i just need to read and write more. it has been a long time since i last did so.

aaand this is what happens when i write on impulse. sigh. rubbish it is not, i wish.