A More Evil Me

Thanks to hazirah, I managed to spend approximately 6 hours reading this book she lent me which made me broke ANOTHER so called rule this pmr year. You see, despite still sleeping during the noon hours, spending 48 hours of my weekend going online, watching tv now and then, the only rule I stick by with is this one; which is, DO NOT READ A NON-ACADEMIC BOOK EXCEPT DURING SCHOOL HOLIDAYS.

And thanks to this rule, I have another 3 books yet to be started, and for this year’s record, I have only read TWO books with less than 250 pages, which is a total BIZARRE thing for me.

But anyway, the least I can do is blaming her for lending me this irresistible book which is responsible for making me break my one and only kept vow. Haih, so now there isn’t any rule or tip for making a speech ‘how can I reach success’.

While reading one part in this book, which I think the one that isn’t supposed to be tear-producing, I cried. Whether its hormones or its just me who feel like crying in order to kill bacteria in my eyes, or I found something rather familiar with that scene. Even the character didn’t cry, but I did. Weird eh?

I was like, what had she ever done? Okay she had to have some space right? She is trying so hard to be this and that, yet you blamed her for those tiny things, apekej?

I cried, and I feel better. Guess that must had been something significant, but I cant figure out what. When I was crying, my heart was pounding and I couldnt wait to write about it. My fingers were itching, yet I had to finish the bloody book right?

The itching and twitching and pounding are one of the reasons why I think I am destined to be a writer.

Similar to the character, I found myself being bitter and hurting people unintentionally and being clueless about it now. Sometimes people are flared up, and even without me knowing it. I think I have changed from the goody goody two shoes me sampai lah ke who I am today. And I am sure some people notice that, biaselah manusia memang nampak salah orang je.

Tengok, menyakitkan hati lagi. Takpe, bukan kau sorg je yg sakitkan ati org.

There’s no way I will be caught red handed praising myself seriously, so this is not a statement of boasting myself tahu? I think, people forget how I used to be all innocent and nice and, and see me as who I am now.

I might be bitter, yes I am. I was bitter, but I think it was less back then. I think I was more to a girl who kept more and avoided sharing to much, whether it was about me blushing for a guy next door or indoor ke (IGNORE THIS), about nasty things I felt concerning some friends ke, ape ape jelah. But I realized, I had to speak up, I couldn’t stand being told this and that, I couldn’t stand keeping everything, being too nice but people weren’t always too nice to me.

I don’t say I was nice, I meant I was less evil.

even the old me was the girl with pride and much ego u cant bear,

so imagine how i handle things now.

So hello, this is the new me.

This is why I cried while reading the book, because it reminded me of myself, how I used to shut up and stand everything alone, and STILL AM. Cume lebih berani sekarang. i feel pity for the character, and i cried because i understood her so much, and sharing feeling with fictional characters? lovely.

Tak ragu ragu orang mesti sedar aku agak bitter sekarang, but it started when I was only hoping to stand up and be a lil bit different, supaya konon2 orang sedar la hak asasi manusia aku. Tapi last last, it rotted in me and I’m no longer a sweet girl. Pergh perasan.

Which is sad, but better since tiade sape berani menentangku sgt, I think. It started when how a girl wanted people to understand her, and ended up being unpleasant. Maybe all of this is somehow related to my mrsm moments, and you krkians here yang kesian jadi mangsa after I could no longer stand it.

when i know i should stop, or go no further, or dont start at all, i do. but then it hits me, takkan aku nak dipijak lagi? shouldnt my voice be counted as a vote or anything at all? takkan aku nak dianggap baik dan duduk diam je ikot ckp org, tapi dalam hati aku yg tahan tahan? takkan. but, in the end, i always dont get what i want. it might look that i do, but actually i dont cos i will feel bad despite my anger and i will surrender, but sekarang not as a budak baik dengar kata, tapi sebaliknya. still, people got what they want.

A NOTE; IF YOU DO NOT THINK SUCH BAD THINGS ABOUT ME, apparently I still have some humanity, more than I expected to have, and these guilt and frustration and self-pity and self-blame are killing me. i rather be a person who thinks negative about herself, rather than playing fool or naive and thinks everybody love me.