WARNING : this is not a happy elf blog. dont read if your life is perfect.
and dont say that i didn't warn you.
semalam, abang ngn family die nak balik kampung belah sis in law. perak. so my nephew and nieces semua mcm excited gilaaaaa. and i felt happy for them.
dorg nak balik kg, nak jumpe atok nenek, nak maen mercun..
and i NEVER HAD those experiences, those joy. and, urghh i dont know why i'm so weepy these days. i often feel down and that leads to something you dont want to hear.
back to the story;
my raya isn't like yours, my raya isn't all about exciting things and mercun and angpau and, its different. i dont have kampung. i never felt how to be excited about feeling such enjoyment. i dont have grandparents who make ketupat. i dont have rumah kampung sebelah sawah padi tepi sungai. i dont feel the super duper excitements when all my relatives come home, bake cookies, make dodol, hang the curtains, play the mercun, sweep the leaves, i only see that on tv.
and what's worse, after babah aku dah takde, raya is even tak best. kalau dulu, sumpah meriah. ramai org kat rumah. i remember back then when mama sebuk lap2 barang hiasan rumah yg babah beli kat overseas, die salu pasang kaset lagu2 raya. nyanyi2. i would skip around and sang along, and babah bace paper. haha.
he would look at me, his only daughter. things were lots diff. sekarang, i dont hear the lagu2 raya anymore. i dont see my babah reading the newspapers. but i see my mom sweating over the houseworks, and only god knows how much i'm grateful for the sight.
then rumah baaanyak kad raya, abg2 punya, and 90% were from babah's colleagues, either from the ministry of defence or from business pals. sekarang, kad raye tu semua mengumpul habuk je bawah tangga. no one cares to put them up. i do, but the mood is long gone.
pastu 10 malam terakhir ramadhan, nono. i'm not talking about lailatulqadar. i'm talking about how enthusiastic my dad was, pasang lampu liplapliplap kat rumah. kalau boleh nak terang2 gila, semangat. macam ceria je rumah dulu. but now, i only did it yesterday. my family doesn't care much, but i do. i think my dad would be sad if someone doesnt carry on his enthusiasm. but doing it only makes me sad. who cares about the bills? i dont, at least.
oh, malam raya kitorg salu bukak rumah. alaa yg org datang bace doa, zikir, then takbir tu. dulu penuh gila rumah, makanan habis semua. angpau pun habis. budak2 asyik datang je, salu muke yg sama. tp skg, my family is thinking whether to bukak rumah atau tak. pathetic. when there was my dad there would never be such thoughts, there would be thoughts of what food to serve people. and even kalau bukak skg pon, budak2 tak byk datang. takde babah yg nak suap dorg kenyang2 ngn duit raye. pastu banyak makanan lebih.
bukan malam raya je, hari raya lain pon dorg salu dtg. tak malu. tapi best. and babah pon kasilaa angpau. sembang2 ngn dorg. skg, dtg camtu je. pastu blah. biase dua group je pon. tak ramai.
since abg2 dah besar, rumah sangat sunyi. dorg ade life masing2. dorg tak dok sini. i miss the old days when my brothers had their friends coming. when their friends would pick me up. when rumah tak pernah sunyi. sekarang, nothing is sunyier than my house. not even graveyards.
to me, raya is no different than the rest of the days. it is just a new day, a new month when people proudly showing off their new cars and cloths. the only thing that makes me excited is, sekolah cuti. other than that, it is not as special as everyone sees it is. leaving the islamic points of view aside, lah.
i'm feeling so weepy :( yesterday, i felt like producing a tank of tears. and cry i did. it started when watching cerita takbir suci. poor them. then i put my life in my head, so u know what happened. flashbacks were creeping before my eyes, and it felt BAD. i often feel sad for people, even on tv. i think that's because i know how to feel pain. even theirs are much, much worse than mine, but i can feel them. or at least i think i can. i recognized the mood of sorrow. the face. the eye. i'm pathetic. go get me some help, will you?
i'm surprised of how much i've revealed in this blog. how much i let people know. and i think doing this is a bit bitchy. somehow i have to let u know this bits, so that maybe when i die there will be people who would write books about me. and say how mysterious i was.
wait, is that what we call gila glamour? no. but a little attention and realization would be nice. i'm too shy and awkward to have them now, so i guess i'll have them later when i'm in another world.
and dont say that i didn't warn you.
semalam, abang ngn family die nak balik kampung belah sis in law. perak. so my nephew and nieces semua mcm excited gilaaaaa. and i felt happy for them.
dorg nak balik kg, nak jumpe atok nenek, nak maen mercun..
and i NEVER HAD those experiences, those joy. and, urghh i dont know why i'm so weepy these days. i often feel down and that leads to something you dont want to hear.
back to the story;
my raya isn't like yours, my raya isn't all about exciting things and mercun and angpau and, its different. i dont have kampung. i never felt how to be excited about feeling such enjoyment. i dont have grandparents who make ketupat. i dont have rumah kampung sebelah sawah padi tepi sungai. i dont feel the super duper excitements when all my relatives come home, bake cookies, make dodol, hang the curtains, play the mercun, sweep the leaves, i only see that on tv.
and what's worse, after babah aku dah takde, raya is even tak best. kalau dulu, sumpah meriah. ramai org kat rumah. i remember back then when mama sebuk lap2 barang hiasan rumah yg babah beli kat overseas, die salu pasang kaset lagu2 raya. nyanyi2. i would skip around and sang along, and babah bace paper. haha.
he would look at me, his only daughter. things were lots diff. sekarang, i dont hear the lagu2 raya anymore. i dont see my babah reading the newspapers. but i see my mom sweating over the houseworks, and only god knows how much i'm grateful for the sight.
then rumah baaanyak kad raya, abg2 punya, and 90% were from babah's colleagues, either from the ministry of defence or from business pals. sekarang, kad raye tu semua mengumpul habuk je bawah tangga. no one cares to put them up. i do, but the mood is long gone.
pastu 10 malam terakhir ramadhan, nono. i'm not talking about lailatulqadar. i'm talking about how enthusiastic my dad was, pasang lampu liplapliplap kat rumah. kalau boleh nak terang2 gila, semangat. macam ceria je rumah dulu. but now, i only did it yesterday. my family doesn't care much, but i do. i think my dad would be sad if someone doesnt carry on his enthusiasm. but doing it only makes me sad. who cares about the bills? i dont, at least.
oh, malam raya kitorg salu bukak rumah. alaa yg org datang bace doa, zikir, then takbir tu. dulu penuh gila rumah, makanan habis semua. angpau pun habis. budak2 asyik datang je, salu muke yg sama. tp skg, my family is thinking whether to bukak rumah atau tak. pathetic. when there was my dad there would never be such thoughts, there would be thoughts of what food to serve people. and even kalau bukak skg pon, budak2 tak byk datang. takde babah yg nak suap dorg kenyang2 ngn duit raye. pastu banyak makanan lebih.
bukan malam raya je, hari raya lain pon dorg salu dtg. tak malu. tapi best. and babah pon kasilaa angpau. sembang2 ngn dorg. skg, dtg camtu je. pastu blah. biase dua group je pon. tak ramai.
since abg2 dah besar, rumah sangat sunyi. dorg ade life masing2. dorg tak dok sini. i miss the old days when my brothers had their friends coming. when their friends would pick me up. when rumah tak pernah sunyi. sekarang, nothing is sunyier than my house. not even graveyards.
to me, raya is no different than the rest of the days. it is just a new day, a new month when people proudly showing off their new cars and cloths. the only thing that makes me excited is, sekolah cuti. other than that, it is not as special as everyone sees it is. leaving the islamic points of view aside, lah.
i'm feeling so weepy :( yesterday, i felt like producing a tank of tears. and cry i did. it started when watching cerita takbir suci. poor them. then i put my life in my head, so u know what happened. flashbacks were creeping before my eyes, and it felt BAD. i often feel sad for people, even on tv. i think that's because i know how to feel pain. even theirs are much, much worse than mine, but i can feel them. or at least i think i can. i recognized the mood of sorrow. the face. the eye. i'm pathetic. go get me some help, will you?
i'm surprised of how much i've revealed in this blog. how much i let people know. and i think doing this is a bit bitchy. somehow i have to let u know this bits, so that maybe when i die there will be people who would write books about me. and say how mysterious i was.
wait, is that what we call gila glamour? no. but a little attention and realization would be nice. i'm too shy and awkward to have them now, so i guess i'll have them later when i'm in another world.
1 comment:
amaaa, sumpah i felt crying while reading this :'(
i know you're strong kan ?
you made me grateful sangat tau.
chill kay?
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