From a Speck of Dust

i hope nobody will read this. but i know some will. who cares, this is my blog. my blogger tab is opened, hence. i usually write about this stuff on tumblr. but i haven't written on tumblr for a very, very, long time. i feel bad about that too. but now let's focus on this blog, and make up with it first. blog, i'm gonna spill. tonight, i'm reminded of how bad i've made... guys feel about me. i know it was bad. it was. i could go on about how bad was bad and how could i be so sure, but let's not. let's just say making them feel bad, made me feel bad, that i have shed tears myself. sometimes not because i felt guilty, but because i knew what they felt was genuine and i couldn't give it back. and i realized i couldn't even feel for myself what they felt for me, such feelings... and i cried. most of the times i was careful, but when it comes to others' feelings it's just beyond your control. it was ages ago, so long ago. so i know i'm just a speck of dust in their lives now. but tonight - as a random act of kindness, or i don't know, out of guilt, or simply, completely random 2 am moments for the people i used to know - i pray that they are happy. i do.

My View on Relationship Throughout The Years

i was familiar with the term 'couple' since i was in primary school. kids my age started getting involved in it as early as... 11 years old? perhaps even earlier than that. but it's only couple cara budak-budak lah, zaman kitorang. ew, the word itself is ew. kapel. kapel mapel.

at 11 years old, a boy had a crush on me. coincidentally, or consequently, i developed a crush on him. so we liked each other. but at that age, i wouldn't want to believe he really liked me or i was the only one he liked. trust issues di usia muda. but it was smart to be a skeptic! he asked if i wanted to 'be with him'. you know what i thought? i thought it was a bunch of crap. "i know you like me. but until when? we're kids for god's sake. i do like you, but it's laughable. why would we be together? it's not like we're gonna get married. i'm flattered, blushing and all, i also have butterflies in my tummy and stuff, but nope." yep. that's what i thought. but of course i didn't tell him that.

thus began my life journey of having mutual feelings with my crush(es), but never wanted to do anything about it because i was realistic as heck. kids or teens around me be getting in relationships every week, in and out and in again, but i ain't doing all that. i was still a girl who wrote about boys in her diary and giggle with her girlfriends when they passed by, but no. it's not for me.

i would only be in a relationship with a guy whom i would marry, said the me that was about to sit for UPSR.

despite all that, i still think if somebody asks you about relationships and you answer "tunggulah lepas sekolah/study/kerja/mereput dulu", you're poyo hahahah. i mean, i'd embrace it if it were to happen earlier, on conditions. important to notice that i didn't exactly had no feeling at all, or that i hated boys pastu acah tak minat benda jadah ni taknak kahwin la apa. tidak pernah. aku dari kecik nak kahwin kot hahahah. i just... abstained? from pointless things.

because of my attitude towards kapel mapel (for that age and for that time, i don't call it relationship because i believe the term relationship carries bigger meanings and heavier weight), i always got misunderstood. boys be thinking i wasn't interested when i was. i was interested, in them, but not in wherever it was we were headed to. couldn't we just stay friends? do we really have to act like boyfriend and girlfriend??

if they began to talk differently with me, it's a turn-off. if they addressed me differently, it's a turn-off. 

exhibit A, one guy told me using aku-kau was harsh, and he insisted we used names instead. and i... agreed. because i ~fancied~ him. but the next second i said yes to it, i regretted my decision. i was ashamed of myself, of how weak i was to succumb to such persuasion lol. it was never the same. i didn't feel comfortable with him, i couldn't talk comfortably, and we drifted apart. i compromised my principles. i didn't like talking in that way with boys, i liked aku-kau better because it somehow symbolizes friendship and sincerity(???) instead of flirtation, and i just wasn't being myself. 

at 15, i learnt that i shouldn't change because of guys. unless they make me *want* to change, i'd end up hating them for making me do things i didn't want to do. poor guy then told my friend he stopped trying because i appeared to not have the same feelings. i did, but i wasn't one to show it anyway, and then i really didn't have such feelings anymore after i felt like i had to change because of him. when it wasn't all his fault - i should have said something. but i was 15. hey, at least it wasn't as bad as how taylor swift portrayed it to be! girl gotta be smarter than that!

i had an idea of the ideal guy. i blogged about it here when i was 14, i think. but i deleted it several years later because blogging the list of your dream guy criteria is just too juvenile.

i don't think i included this in the list, but i once thought if i could be with a bad boy and make him good, it would be cool. hey, no passing judgement about me on my blog! i was still a human who was susceptible to impressions huhu. i was under the impression that if a guy who was a casanova or a player could change to be a decent guy for me, he must really love me. konon macam a bad boy who'd be good just for you gitu. ah, ini semua pengaruh tv. 

then i changed my mind...

at 17, i added another must-have on the list: he must not be a guy who comes and goes between women so easily, he must not have a circle of girls around him for him to choose, and he must also make me his only option even though he has choices. he must not have his heart so divided even in silent, i want to be chosen. i want to be the only one. i want a good guy from the start. whom i wouldn't have to question and doubt. who would give me no reason to. persetankan pengaruh tv. 

he also must accept that i am who i am. if i wouldn't want to go out with him, he shouldn't say my life preference was boring. nor should he find another girl to replace me - somebody who was more easy-going. thanks to ama-at-15, i had learnt not to compromise for a guy. i stick by my rules.

i had faults too. i hope now, i have learnt to make it right so i could do it right with the right person. 

this marked timeline is marked because of the changes i can remember. there are other examples, but these are the major ones. 

what i think was consistent since the very beginning was how i had always wanted my husband to start off as my friend, or for the relationship to blossom from friendship. i was in love with the idea of friends becoming lovers. but this is also in line with my ideals.

1. i only wanted to be in a relationship once we're going to get married, i wanted him to be the first and the last - so what happened if i found him much earlier than that stage? simple. stay friends until you get to that point. 

2. i didn't like the typical boyfriend attitude - to avoid this, treat each other just as friends.

3. also, because of how skeptic i was, the guy needed to earn my trust - earn it by being my friend first, with no hidden agenda, no selfish motive. if you could wait to get what you want, checked. if you could stand to be my friend, if you could stand me for so long, hopefully you could stand me for ever ever after.

plus, did you know i wanted to be friends with my future husband at least 7 years before we got married?

another fun fact: i was a member of GAC. Geng Anti Couple. yes you may laugh.

ok you may stop now.

i wasn't vulnerable to peer pressure of having boyfriends, but i was vulnerable to this. i read that 14 is the age when we did questionable things and thought we were cool. the source is credible - it's tumblr. bak kata seorang bekas ahli, "rempit gila." i guess we all have our rempit moments, only the nature of rempitness differentiates us. in my defence, it coincides with what i already believed in. before i elaborate on that, let me briefly explain the rationale of GAC.

GAC was formed because we were young and naive and took word by word everything we read on the web. it was with good intentions. kapel mapel ialah gejala buruk. haram, zina hati, alah dah bercinta takkanlah tak buat lebih lebih kenn. sesungguhnya lelaki itu virus. pasti mati. wah, sampai begitu sekali. ya, we actually lived by that. no consideration, no critical thinking, no questioning or curiosity. just, believe. after all, it was islamic and strict. and on the internet. so it must be true!

in spite of that, GAC only operated starting from form 2 and ended in form 4. after that you could kapel. boys actually waited for my friends to get to that point of freedom... or so they said.

some of my friends were idealistic, they said they wouldn't want to have a boyfriend, ever. i, on the other hand, was still realistic as heck. i knew i'd have a boyfriend someday. a boyfriend or a friend that is a boy whom i'd want to marry, whatever. the point is i'd be in a relationship, a real one, when the time comes, when i've found the one and we're going to get married. when we're that serious, yes, i'd have a boyfriend. it's just that it's not now when i was in form 2, or form 4. i'd just have to wait.

and boy, did i wait.

after GAC, or even before GAC ended, i had corrected my perception of couple. i realized that there were just do's and don't's. i already had an idea of what a relationship should be like to be balanced and to not be leaning towards either extreme end. i know this kind of relationship exists. you don't abandon all and expect a proposal out of nowhere. you can work on it in your own way. 

i also realized that it's not the noun which you should be concerned about, but the verb. the action is what makes something wrong - it's what makes a sin. if you treat a guy friend like kapel mapel kids treat their boyfriends, then your friendship is still a no-no. but that's beside the point, i only thought to mention it here while we're at it. let alone if it's a relationship, you'd want to keep it. if you are serious about getting married, you will try to be deserving of blessings.

so anyway... 

i would only be in a relationship if it's for marriage, and i would only marry somebody for love.

somewhere along the timeline, i learnt that love was not crush, love was not like, love was not lust. it's neither obsession nor infatuation. it's not ego and it's not games. it's not logical even with the principles. it doesn't always require ownership, it doesn't equate to relationship. it's something else.

but this post is not about it, is it?

over time, the ideal relationship i developed in mind was further polished. not just the ideal relationship, but the idea of the ideal guy too. it's not a common one. in fact, it might be just a little crazy. but if i got it, speaking in conditional tense, i'd be ever so thankful to Allah. i'd be grateful to the person too, i wouldn't choose him just because he fit my ideals, it would be just a beautiful coincidence. i'd be having trouble to believe this ideal, is now real. 

who knew i could be idealistic, and something idealistic could be realistic?

The Line

i had an unusual dream.

in that dream i was in a building. i was moving around because i had chores to do or places to go, i don't know. but i was going from one place, one room, one floor to the other, i think. in the middle of it i found a black lady with a gun in her hand. distressed, she looked like somebody working in the building, because of her uniform - perhaps a cleaner. or used to be. i'm not sure what gave me the impression but i knew she had been sacked, and she was stressed out, and she was holding a gun because of that.

so, i, could have run. run away, run out of the building, for life's sake. because i knew something bad was going to happen. but for the life of me, my friends were in the building. people i know. i had to find them and i had to tell them about it. calling them didn't cross my mind at all. i probably could have used my phone later, out in the open or somewhere hiding in the shade, but come to think of it now it still seems wrong to leave them behind and warn them only when i was safe, right? so i stayed.

long story short, the lady came to where i was.

i hid under a table, at the corner of the area, but i knew it was no good. it was a table, not a cupboard. still, i took my chances. at first she didn't see me, she was looking right at me but i believe she didn't see me. then just when she had taken some steps further, she looked back, and she smiled. she was playing with me. she smirked, yet she didn't come closer. she paced around at the same distance, smiling, smirking. then she came closer.

i remember thinking, at least if i died, it's not because of some racist or islamophobic causes. this lady lost her job and she went mental. as if that's some consolation.

as she came closer, i prayed for a miracle or mercy. when she was a couple of feet away from me, i stood up and looked her in the eye. she raised the gun, i took some sort of a container next to me, crouched down and shield my head with it.

not my head. not my face. i was going to protect it. even with a white, square, plastic container i had a hunch to be an ice-cream tub. an ice-cream tub ended its life as my protector, as i ended mine.

what happened next happened in silent. there was no sound, no shots of gun, no mad woman shouting and laughing or cursing. almost as if it didn't happen and i was safe. but it happened, because i saw fire. even through shut eyes, i saw light. explosive light, striking light. it didn't happen quickly nor did it happen in a blur. it was in a motion enough for me to appreciate the light, brilliant as if it was sunlight peeking through a curtain in the morning. i could even appreciate how painless it was. i opened my eyes waiting for it to end. or had it?

when there was no more light, i removed the container i was still holding. the container was intact. but i knew it must have been in pieces. and i knew i was dead. but i stood up, and i saw people crowding the area. close enough to see, not close enough to look. i saw my friends, the people i knew, that i was trying to warn. they were sobbing, holding their faces. some just stared. i wish they'd stop staring because i knew i didn't look good. i knew if i turned around and looked down, i would saw me, or if i wiped my face my hand would be wet and red, or i would feel an eye out of place. so i didn't.

i just walked towards them, and pass them.

i walked down the stairs, and i saw me on a stretcher. my whole body was covered. then she, or me, lifted the cover off her, my, face. the face was the face i had always seen on the mirror. the face was a face belonged to the living. the me on the stretcher said something to the crowd, she was looking up the stairs at us, shouting something, about the lady, or about herself, or the ones she was trying to save. but they couldn't hear her. i could.

i kept walking down, not looking at her. the glass walls revealed a sky that was almost dark, but not quite. it was dusk. i saw the eiffel tower just next door, much smaller, but i wasn't in paris. there was a horizontal line in the sky, a line of light, the only daylight that was left. i heard somebody said, "close the sky", and the line started thinning. slowly, the light disappeared. the sky was black, with patches of greyish orange where the clouds hovered. i knew the command was to respect me.

and i thought, that wasn't too bad after all.

i was, and am, glad it was me. not anybody i know. because being dead, was not that bad for me. 

The Surge

I'm having homesick surge right now... all of a sudden.

not really, i've been having the feeling of wanting to go back home for a month or two now. just to go back home and see my mom. just to see my mom. just that. i don't know why and i can only pray that because it can't happen now, and if it won't happen sooner, it will happen later when the time comes. i just want to see my mom.

have a chat, bake and cook together, listen to her talking, just chill in front of the tv, me taking her out anywhere for a meal. the simple things we always do. at least to see her all alright, that would be enough. been feeling that for a while now, but tonight it's waterworks and all.

i really can't afford to be homesick right now, i have a deadline to catch.

i hope it's all hormones and tomorrow it will be gone.

A New Kind of Sad (maybe an old person kind of sad)

Don't ask why i'm still not asleep.

and also, don't ask why i was looking at my blog posts from 6 years back. I just scrolled through them, not wanting to read any. I saw pictures. pictures of myself, pictures of people.

but among all pictures - like the ones when i had my dream bod loool but laughable face lololol - the pictures which evoked the most emotions were of my nephew, ikmal. or known as malmal, here, some years ago. malmal was popular on this blog :')

it has been years since i put on his photos. because he's a big boy now. he's already in school. the bigger he gets, the more different he becomes. not the chubby boy i used to gomol all the time. when he was little he was so bubbly, babbling with his ayu, now he's shy and hard to talk to. we were close. now it's hard for me to get him to talk, for anyone even. i admit i started paying less attention to him, and more to his little brothers. i feel so bad now. ayu has grown up too, apparently malmal, because ayu feels so bad for not treating you like she used to. but hey! you used to love me too!

ayu and opah always wonder what happened to you, because when you knew no word to say, you talked a lot. but now keep all your words in your mouth. is it because you were silent by kewan? is it because you have nobody at home to be your conversation buddy? ayah always complains about how you're so quiet, he must be worried. like me and opah. i have videos of you talking when you couldn't even talk you know...

now ayu gonna cry.

does ayu feel guilty? perhaps ayu should have talked to you more the few times she saw you, and should not have spent all her time playing with her new, bubbly, babbling, chubby nephews - your brothers. maybe if i did that you wouldn't have been so estranged with me... you liked me a lot you even slept with me, and cried whenever we had to part again, remember? but oh well, i didn't see you that much to make an impact did i... nonetheless maybe you would have liked it if i started some conversations with you. maybe i could - should - have done something differently.

i also feel sad, because seeing a kid's photos when they were little, and comparing it to who they are now.. so big and so different, makes me feel so sentimental... how much i loved them at that time, and now that they are big and different, i am indifferent... and somehow i think this is what my brothers must feel when they look at pictures of baby me. they used to cradle me, rock me in their arms, rush back from school to see me, talk to me on the telephone, write me letters, send me presents... they used to love me like that. 

and now, not anymore. none of that. i don't mind, honest. it's just sad, if this is what they feel every time they look at my old pictures, grin and say "you used to be cute." now we don't even talk like we must have done a long time ago. like i don't talk to ikmal anymore the way i once did. 

is it my fault too?

i've started to make efforts though... maybe that's just the way it is. and nothing is wrong with that.

but oh well, chances are they have never thought about any of this. because, well. guys.


and i should sleep.

A Story of Lines

Tonight, before i sleep, i'm going to write a bedtime story.

---------------

There was a guy named Johan. Johan had a girlfriend, Tifa. Another guy liked Tifa, the guy was Fahmi. Fahmi didn't care that Tifa was courted, he still befriended her, trying to win her heart. Tifa remained friends with him, because why not, even though Johan knew about Fahmi's intentions. Johan of course was jealous, but he trusted his girlfriend and he would not make that an issue. They were happy together, so why would he bother. One day, Tifa told Fahmi that she and Johan had broken up. Fahmi was relieved.

They broke up because of a girl, Julia. Tifa found out that Johan had a peculiar friendship with Julia, a kind even Julia wouldn't approve of. But Julia really liked being friends with Johan, as Johan did Julia, because both knew they were just friends. However, Johan did like Julia once upon a time, a crush at first sight, and he tried to get close to her, only to be ignored times upon times. Once Johan accepted he had no chance, he met Tifa, and had fallen in love with her since. Too bad Tifa didn't believe just how much Johan really loved her.

Julia ignored Johan at first not because she thought she was better than everyone else, but because she just accepted a guy's request for friendship, and he fell head over heels with her. She did not want anymore of that mess. The guy's name was Muiz, and he happened to be Tifa's friend. Muiz had a close friend which he shared with Julia, Asya. Asya was the bridge between both of them, while Muiz fought hard for Julia and Julia retreated further inside her fort. Asya listened to both of them, two opposing forces. As nature goes, Asya started to have feelings for Muiz. Things got weird.

Afiq, a friend to both Muiz and Asya, knew about all this love drama. Afiq fancied a girl named Nadia, which Asya was so fond of for some reasons. Fast forward to the future while all other stories remain stagnant, all of a sudden Afiq confessed his feelings to Asya, who just finally got together with Muiz, who eventually could put Julia behind him and started new. Asya chose Afiq. This is the real world honey, it's crazy. But it's no surprise what happens to close friends, eh?

Fahmi and Tifa also had a close friend, Bella. They were a trio. Like Asya, Bella fell for Fahmi, but could only stand Fahmi's attempts to woo Tifa. So that day when Bella heard from Fahmi how Tifa was single now and sought his shoulders to cry on, Bella was crushed. Bella told another close friend about this, Alin. Little did Bella know, that Alin knew why Tifa broke up with Johan, that Johan wasn't cheating on Tifa with Julia at all, and that Tifa actually couldn't forget Johan despite being out and about with Fahmi now. Alin knew all this because Alin was close to Julia herself.

But she couldn't console Bella. Because then Bella would know that, regardless of what was said, Julia was indeed the reason for the break up however unintentional. Julia was her friend too. If Bella knew Fahmi still stood no chance even though he was standing next to Tifa now, she would tell him, and he would ask Tifa if it was true, and Tifa would demand to know whom did Johan told about their relationship problems to? The answer is Julia. Oh no, Julia could not cause Johan anymore trouble.

Alin was also caught up with her own troubles, to be fair. Alin was trapped in similar problems to all of them, to our disbelief. She had a trio friendship with a guy and a girl who dated. She became the middle person, and later, the third person. The three of them had a fight with each other, from all three angles. A classic love triangle crisis. Anyway, the boy was Fahmi's friend. Fahmi always picked on Alin for being a homewrecker, but he didn't know the real story. Julia hated Fahmi for that, she almost felt glad Fahmi couldn't make Tifa love him no matter how he tried.

Meanwhile, Julia found out a guy had started falling for her. That guy, Zaf, knew Muiz, who at that time still loved Julia, and knew Kai, another new character and yes yet another guy who took interest in her. There was no definite answer why these guys came flocking to her, seriously.

---------------

This is a story of relations and associations, and how everyone knows each other, that if you were to draw lines connecting them it all can get so very twisted and tangled. And yet, it makes a good story doesn't it?

Edited: Probably because it's true.

Goodnight.

Random Return

I SAID I WOULD NEVER ABANDON MY BLOG

i didn't know i was lying :(

i couldn't imagine life without blogging then... funny how things turned out. scary too... makes you think what kind of person you are. am i gonna abandon something else when i promised not to, like i did to my blog? we'll never know.

tetiba deep.

gawd. okay instead of moaning let's just start writing about something else!

oh my god i didn't even write about the whole time i've been in the UK, about going back to malaysia, and now back in UK again... guys i am sad. help

maybe that's for next time... after i actually start writing again. now, let's start with something... random.

like, RANDOM QUESTIONS! 

(i googled what to write for an hour before i found this)

1. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

24. I don't even know why. there might be a reason, but unconsciously? lulul

2. What is the one thing you'd most like to change about the world?

kindness. everybody needs to be freaking kinder. when you're kind, you'll try to understand better, and if you can't, you'll at least embrace acceptance and practice tolerance. if the whole world is kind there would be no bloody war, gaddamit

3. If you could offer a newborn child one piece of advice, what would it be?

be trustworthy, yet don't trust just anybody. i mean yeah, with pedo case on the rise now, like, why not. it's a good advice!

4. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

i'd kill for a loved one.

5. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

yes. i want to let go. but the thorns of regret and disdain, they prick my fingers, piercing my palm and now i'm stuck holding on to it. 

6. Why are you, you?

because i wouldn't want me to be any other way. okla the long answer:

i'm me because i have had strong principles since i was a kid, i don't know where that came from. i'm me because i grew up crying and wanting a different life. i'm me because i still cry at 21 but i don't wish for a different life now. i'm me because i've been hurt and the pain never really left. i'm me because i have achieved things that made me so relieved, and i have also felt so hopeless. i'm me because i have been happy to the point i feel undeserving of it and unfamiliar with it. I'm me because i've had to be the bad guy in some people's stories. i'm me because i have good common sense since i was so young, being aware of things my peers weren't. i'm me because i know myself. i'm me because i'm a potato but a perfectionist, an overachiever but a lazy-arse. i'm me because i've made mistakes and i've been wronged. i'm me because i've lost people and loved others. i'm me because i'm predday darn cool liddat.

here's a random picture

7. What are you most grateful for?

my mother.

now i wanna cry

8. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were really upset? does it matter now?

5 years ago would be... 2010. ahaha i was really upset because all my close friends left me alone for boarding school and there was a period of time when i felt friendless, i'd even excuse myself from class, go to the toilet to blink back tears aggressively lol. on top of that, we had this super dramatic drama involving a teacher, let's just leave it at that. but we were miserable, me and my new friends, for a while ha. i was sad that my boarding school friends would only excitedly talk to each other about their new school, because why would you ask how ama was doing at lembah??? same ol', same ol' right. i remember texting my primary school friend aisyah, during hari anugerah cemerlang when my friends came back for PMR prize giving ceremony. i told aisyah how secluded and ignored i felt, when i had been waiting for that day to come. but it seemed like nobody was waiting to see me. emo. but rightfully so. ku terima banyak anugerah namun apalah maknanya jika rasa tak dihargai rakan. loool. lagi satu, ada la sorang budak ni kan dia sejak masuk asrama kirim salam je nak tanya khabar taknak. aku pun makin emo.

but now... none of that matters :') this time i'm the one who left my friends for uni abroad! but i'm still alone hahaha that's alright mate i'm 5 years older. now i'm all gloriously alone. but friends still 4ever. and the new friends i made 5 years ago? they're my 5ever! budak asrama tu pulak bukan je tanya khabar, benda lain pun dia dah tanya sekarang ni. ama hepi. 

9. What is your happiest childhood memory? what makes it so special?

i don't know which, and i don't know much, but this one comes to mind. i told babah how mama pegang kuat-kuat tangan adik masa jalan. and babah told me, sebab mama sayang adik.

10. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

let everyone read everything i ever wrote, about life, loss, and love.

this feels like the first time blogging again. but i made it!

okbye see you next year LOL