Doesn't Mean It's Love

Some hearts hear each other—even in silence. - Yasmin Mogahed 

just because you see a girl who catches your eyes and your heart, doesn't mean you're in love. just because a guy whom you have a crush on has a crush on you, doesn't mean you're in love. just because a girl gives you the slightest bit of attention and you enjoy her presence, doesn't mean you're in love. just because a guy who likes you has girls queuing around the block for him, doesn't mean you're in love. just because a girl makes your stomach turn with butterflies and your heart tear in ache, doesn't mean you're in love. just because a guy fills your cup of the perfect definition of love, doesn't mean you're in love. just because you dream of a girl, doesn't mean you're in love. just because you cry for a guy, doesn't mean you're in love. just because you love the idea of love, doesn't mean you're in love. just because the feelings come back, doesn't mean you're in love. just because the feelings stay, doesn't mean you're in love. just because you feel someone is the one and you pray for it to The One, doesn't mean you're in love.

i don't know what that is, but i know not to simply call it love. justifications for me, explanations for others. in denial maybe? or being realistic probably?

i think love is best defined when you already have everything. you are not lonely, you are wealthy, healthy and happy, yet you still need that one thing.

but then again, who am i to say what is love and what is not. what is real friendship and what is not. those who know, know. but what if those who say they know, don't know that they don't? and what if those who say they don't know, don't know that they do? how do you even know if you love someone?

doesn't mean you're in love. why? just because.

The plain state of being human is dramatic enough for anyone; you don’t need to be a heroin addict or a performance poet to experience extremity. You just have to love someone. - Nick Hornby 

if you love someone, you're afraid of your feelings. if someone loves you, you're afraid of theirs. if you love someone, you wonder if they love you too, you're afraid if they don't. if someone you love loves you, you wonder when will their feelings change, you're afraid if they won't stay the same. oh, love. okay. but till when?

can't we just love without wondering, without fearing, without expecting anything?

what if someone who you think is the one, thinks someone else is theirs? what if someone you pray for, prays for someone else? what if someone you waste your tears for, for someone else they waste theirs? what if someone you wait for, waits for someone else?

ah, the cycle of whatever that is. it puts everything into perspective. it puts you in the shoes of that someone and put that someone in your shoes. it gives you the taste of their feelings and them yours. it gives you a deeper understanding. understanding if that someone chooses to stay, if that someone will not be okay, understanding that about the matter of their heart, you don't have a say.

Even when letting go of people hurts, face your heart towards Allah and run. Whatever is meant for you, will come after you. Whatever is not, will stay behind. - Yasmin Mogahed 

can we rely on that abstract feeling? immeasurable instinct? the hunch that they are the one?

we can not.

had Ted Mosby followed his hunch with every girl who he thought was the one, it would have been a series called How I Met Your Mothers. Ted always has that feeling, that instinct, that hunch. but look where that brought us? 8 seasons motherless.

I get so many messages about broken hearts. Trust me folks, it’s not romantic to love someone you can’t be with. It’s torturous. Please save yourself the torment. - Yasmin Mogahed 

what if someone who you think is the one, is the one to other people as well? if thinking someone is the one is a concrete evidence enough, it means one person have to marry different people for a couple of times, to fulfill the prophecy of "he/she is the one for me".

three dots: we can not.

is it too cruel if we ask those whose heart we have broken “how did you heal?” 

when ours are broken too? but what if they say “it is broken still”?

i'm afraid to let people push fate. let God will it, while we just wait.

(and get tempted and tormented every minute)

Don't wait for a tree which may not bear any fruit for you, even if you're willing to. isn't it a God sent miracle if one day when you're not looking, the fruit rolls down your feet? Might be from the same tree, might be from another. not expecting makes it sweet, but yes, waiting makes the fruit sweeter.

ah, easier said than done, say those who hold their breath under the sun.

then let's just sweat and shiver together day and night, but which one of us will taste the precious fruit of our patience?

because sometimes, you can't tell someone to stop, nor do you want to stop yourself.

The fact that our heart cannot let go of things--despites the countless arguments our mind makes, despite the utter foolishness of the attachment, despite the impossible nature of the heart's wish--is a humbling reminder that we are not in control of our own hearts; He is. - Yasmin Mogahed 

no offence, i just don't trust people

i am not "too good" for anybody. i don't deserve to be thought that way, that anyone is not good enough for me. i'm not that good. i've always wanted to be the game changer, but maybe my trust issues make me more capable of not being a coach to train an experienced player, but a cheerleader to cheer for the one who has never been in the game, during his only game. i would still love to change the game plan, even if the winning score is not for me. i don't want people to make the home run if i won't be there to give them the trophy. and i don't want people to think of it as just a game and grab the trophy from me. so i better leave the field. at the same time i don't want the crowd to think that i'm cruel, that i don't care. i do, and it's less cruel this way.

Love is letting go. And praying for the best. - Yasmin Mogahed 

but what if one would rather be hurt and hold on?

don't worry. it is easy to forget me. some people do even if i never ask them to. 
i'm sure it will be a whole lot easier as i ask you to :)

everybody moves on eventually :)

Pendengar Setia Kita :)

Assalamualaikum. aku kat rumah. yeaaaaay! lepas tiga minggu di perantauan (takyah nak perantauan sangatlah kan), lepas ribut emosi seminggu dua lepas, bila balik rumah ni rasa hepi sangat. walaupun ada je yang boleh buat aku tak hepi sebenarnya. tapi takpe. i'm thankful enough to have a home to go back to, to have a mom to vent to ;)

haritu aku call mak aku. aku cakap aku kena balik jugak minggu ni kalau tak aku akan mengamuk di bumi Shah Alam sebab i've had enough with my emo week. ce teka mak aku cakap apa. ce tekaaa. ceee.

dia cakap: "belajarla"

whud. whuddd. WHUDDDDD.

maaa apa ni maaa. ma tak pernah suruh ayu belajar, sekali dalam bulan biru je (once in a blue moon) bila dah jam kesebelas (at the eleventh hour). tapi bila orang tengah stress tengah depress tengah suppress in a mess segala kejadah pulaklaa ma suruh belajar. apa ni maaaaa 

"bukanla. belajarla kawal emosi tu. nanti nak fly camne kat sana" selamba mama jawab.

ok.

tengah belajar la ni. tengah kawal la ni. kalau tak kawal takdelah aku jadi camni. kalau tak dah lama satu Shah Alam ni aku flip. sekarang flip table pun tak pernah lagi. nak flip table. flip INTEC. flip the world. tsk. oh tapi aku pernah patahkan hanger. lega rasa.

satu hari dalam kelas minggu ini, i wrote this:

I feel so many things. i am going to explode. i am going to melt. i am going to evaporate. i feel so many things yet i don't know where to channel these feelings. where to get mad. what to confess. how to forget. it's all a tangled mess. now i understand why people resort to punching walls. it's all inside me but i can't let it out. my breathing feels like fire and my heart hurts my chest. my mind screams inaudible voices.

metaphors and hyperbolas much. well, writers B) (eh did i just become a self-proclaimed writer?)

that's why writers are always misunderstood. because we write as if we're dying, when actually we're alive and kicking (dying inside... maybe). one best, old friend of mine understands this. she once made her blog private (and now, again... but please unlock it, how else am i going to fall in love again dearie?) and stopped pouring her emotions out because people just don't understand. in fact, they misunderstand when we writers, write. we just express. we don't want to impress. we're not looking for attention or misconception.

okay? okay :)

minggu emo aku berakhir sabtu lepas. kot. tolonglah dah berakhir. aku ingat dah ok, tapi tetiba sesuatu jadi yang buat hari sabtu tu the unexpected climax of the week. but climax is always unexpected isn't it? so is the epilogue. so is the monologue. so is everything else, sigh. masa climax tu aku sengsorang. nasib baik aku sengsorang, sebab masa tu aku menyedihkan. bila sengsorang... barulah kita dapat melepaskan perasaan. bila sengsorang... barulah kita cari Dia.

sumpah, ya Allah, sumpah. berbeza sangat rasa dia bila kita sedih dan cari manusia (atau jadi loner) dengan cari Allah. biasanya emo tu akan berlanjutan. fikiran kacau, sampai kacau kerja, kacau tidur, kacau selera. tak kisah lah sebab apa pun, berat ke, ringan ke, tapi bila kita cari Allah, semua tu hilang. tak terbawa-bawa. kita tak malu nak cerita walaupun tu perkara paling kecik, yang orang lain perlekehkan. kita tak malu nak cerita kalau tu masalah paling besar, yang orang lain takkan faham. Allah faham. Allah tau. Allah dengar. Allah nampak. Allah ada. cukup Allah untuk kita. hasbi rabbi.

tapi tak bermaksud kita tak perlu berkawan. hmm. dekat Allah kita luahkan segalanya, "dengarlah", serahkan cerita kita, "tulislah". dekat kawan kita mintak pendapat dia, "sudilah", pinjam telinga dia, "sabarlah". Allah diam, tapi Dia tolong. kawan bersuara, tapi dorang tak berkuasa. kawan pun penting juga. i love my friends seriously, to have them makes me so lucky.

cuma itu lah, dalam konteks antara kawan dengan tuhan, mestilah berbeza :)

when you cry for people, it drowns your heart. when you cry for Allah, it cleans your heart. when you cry to people, it sometimes washes them away. when you cry to Allah, it always wipes your pain away.

kalau sekecil-kecil atau sebesar-besar masalah boleh buat aku makin dekat dengan Allah, Alhamdulillah. it is truly a blessing in disguise then. kalau masalah tu boleh buat aku solat, sujud, doa dan mengaji semuanya sambil menangis, mengadu rasa akulah selemah-lemah hamba, Alhamdulillah. mungkin memang itu yang aku perlukan.

tak kisahlah kalau sebab yang remeh pun :)

anggap je Allah panggil kita. bukan panggil badan kita je, tapi panggil hati kita.

cuma harapnya, takdelah masalah yang buat aku makin jauh dengan Allah. kita tak tau kan, hmm.

okkk. enough with that.

sekali lagi aku nak buat permohonan maaf terbuka. atas sebab yang sama. juga kepada seorang junior.

so two juniors of mine blog about me. i don't deserve it, but... tears. it doesn't matter if i can't satisfy everybody. if some even misunderstand and hate me. what matters is i can touch the lives of a soul or two. if they really understand me but still love and accept me the way i am. it's their prayers and thoughts that count.

thank you, loves. thank you, friends. just, thanks :')

Nadia Sabrina sayanggg, sorry sangat! lambat gila akak nak respon post awak pasal akak tu. tapi akak dah komen kan hik hik. ya Allah ni lagi sorang yang Kau buat baik sangat hati dia, sangkaan dia. akak segan baca. thank you so much love. dah berapa tahun dah since awak start baca blog akak, awak always support akak. always. walaupun orang lain tak peduli. awak selalu komen benda yang baik-baik, yang buat akak rasa ya Allah baiknya budak ni. awak selalu doa yang baik untuk akak, terharu tau tak. akak bukan sape-sape awak nak buat camtu untuk akak. dahlah nadia ni comel gilaaa geramnya haha k tetiba. sopan je, lembut je, baik je. orang macam awaklah, walaupun sikit, walaupun sorang, yang buat akak keep on blogging walaupun banyak kali rasa nak tinggal je Keretapi ni. orang yang baik dengan akak. orang yang faham apa akak blog about. orang yang akak dapat tolong, just by blogging. to me it means a lot :')

Nadia pipi merah (nama awak dalam phone akak HAHA) i hope we'll stay in touch, thank you so much :)

oh ada lagi satu perkara. 

ada la sorang ni. sibuk nak tau sangat blog aku sampai sanggup scroll dinding fesbuk aku. takut aku gossip pasal dia, katanya. sebab aku tau banyak, BANYAK PASAL DIA MUAHAHA. mr president ;) weh pasal hidup aku sendiri pun aku tak terblog kat sini, motif aku nak blog pasal hidup kau? tapi takpe. aku tak marah. melainkan kau jual blog aku pulak kat pencicip, haaa tu memang cari penyakit. kau tau aku boleh jadi garang kan, har har har.

dia kata tak nak baca dah blog aku sebab blog aku panjang berjela, pffft camni ke dak law hahaha. bagus ah, tak yah kau tau pasal hidup aku. tapi alang-alang dah tau pasal blog aku, mehlah aku cerita satu kejadian melibatkan dia. kau ingat aku blog pasal kau kan. haaa amik. tapi aku tak letak nama, aku kan baik. har har.

kami sama kelas islamic studies. awal kelas kitorang kena mengaji dulu. selama ni aku tak pernah kena lagi. tapi minggu ni is my, er, lucky week. aku kena baca. aku perasan dalam surah al-baqarah ada banyak perkataan yang berkaitan ngan nama dia, perkataan asal, perkataan berimbuhan. aku pun baca. bila sampai part aku tak cukup nafas, of cos lah aku berhenti.... tapi aku tak perasan aku akan berhenti kat nama dia. yang memang nama dia. perkataan nama dia. 

"eh," dia cakap masa aku berhenti tu. aku taktau kenapa tapi masa tu kelakar gila. aku taktaula orang perasan ke tak tapi masa aku sambung baca tu aku sendiri boleh dengar aku tahan gelak. terus tak fokus mengaji pastu. tu aku tak angkat kepala drpd quran, kalau aku pandang orang sebelah aku yang memang dah tahan gelak gila-gila sampai badan terhenjut-henjut bagai, ngan aku-aku sekali terbahak-bahak. ce bayangkan kalau kitorang dua AHAHAHHAHAAH masa tu, mesti semua orang cam waddaheeeeiil.

seharian kitorang HAHAHHAHAA berdua pasal tu tau tak.

baidewei. aku kalau mengaji ada ajnabi, aku segan. eh bukan ajnabi je, orang secara umumnya la. bila ada orang aku tak nak mengaji lembut, nyaring, berirama naik turun bagai. bukan pandai pun tapi bolehlah. adalah graf sikit. tapi kalau ada orang aku mengaji monotone je, cam malas je haha. tah pape kan, sesikit segan.

banyak benda yang buat aku segan sebenarnya, hmmm.

A Week of "I'm So Done"

Dear diary, hereby lies the most interesting weekly autobiography of the most interesting person ever lives, yours truly.

20/2:

day - a friend shared an experience, gave an advice, convinced me to do something about which i was reluctant. she kept me confident to have faith in Allah's suggested solutions.

21/2: 

night - something another friend said triggered something related to yesterday's counselling session which i wanted to forget. i cried. but then i laughed because i cried. girls are weird like that.

22/2: 

day - core maths made me laugh in acceptance and later depress in disappointment before i cooled down in distractions.

night - called my best friend, laughed. called my mom, cried. i practically knew every line she'd say about my core maths crisis but i still told her anyway.

"mama dah buat part mama, mama dah doa"

"tauuu. ma janganla cakap macamtu lagi down la"

"teruk sangat ke? kenapa, dulu tak camni pun"

"sebab dulu tak pernah teruk macam ni, ni paper paling teruk ayu maa"

"ayu kan selalu camni, tapi tak teruk pun. orang lain takut jugak tu cuma tak tunjuk je"

"tak, kalini memang taktau buat. bukan salah, tapi taktau. banyak tak buat pulak tu"

"biasala tu hidup kan ada naik turun"

"hmm."

"takyah fikir sangat."

23/2:

day - got my first flower ever. now there's one less lonely girl lol. so pardon the jakunness. it was given by a girl though. so technically i haven't gotten my first flower yet, if ya know what i mean. i love it though. thanks girls. i love girls. eh i mean, my girls.

night - mom called.

ma: dah ok?

me: ok je, kenapa ma tanya?

ma: yelaa semalam kan sedih je.

i love my mom.

24/2:

day - i was apparently oversold on a social networking site which i've already deactivated. even when i had my account i did not use my own name. but today my full name was chirped about. i did not remember signing up for any agency pencari jodoh. but it was not that bad since the last time it happened a different flock of birds were eating a rotten me. the advertisement was over the top though, i as the product felt ashamed to have been like the burgers on posters with a note below it "illustration only for the sole purpose of advertisement, don't be fooled".

then i saw a friend finding peace under the rain. apparently her drama was worse, she did not tell me about it but i could smell the salty tears and taste the broken bitterness. i offered her useless words of comfort.

night - another friend asked to see me in private. so in private means in public (outside the house). she did not say anything, asked to hug me, and cried on my shoulder. i let her be that way for a while before she let out what she's keeping inside. 

later, with other friends, i found out something. thus the continuation of my plot line, with some screaming and yelling as the dialogues. after i was done hyperventilating, i curled myself on the floor texting my best friend because i needed to tell someone my problem. the irony when just minutes before i texted a different friend, asking her if she needed to tell someone her problem. a teardrop or two hid behind my hair. it was not a kind of problems that could lead to suicide but it was still a problem i had to deal with so cut me some slack.

one minute somebody cries on my shoulder and the next i shed a tear. in one night i ask another somebody what's their problem and i have to deal with my own later. anybody else wanna join us?

when i was alone in the middle of the night, i cried. another mess was born from a mess i had led on. another heart was hurt because i waited. friends yelled at each other because i didn't stop earlier. it might seem small, but it affected us all. if being the cause of that doesn't make you sad, i wonder what does. 

at 1.30 am, i got a text. i went out of my house to see the sender waiting, crying. we cried together. then we hugged, laughed, talked. i stormed towards my house after she said she wouldn't hurt me by telling me if i hurt her and i was like you know what, i'm so done hurting people, i'm so done with everything - before i realized that's what i was doing too but because i know it hurts lah i don't want her to be hurt the same way - she pulled my hand and began to tear up, begging me and i told her to let it go shhh we're gonna wake the whole block up and after some time pulling i gave up and we cried together again. in silent we stared at the dark starless sky and the shadowy moon, as if if they had been twinkling and clear and bright, it would not be right for such an emotional night. at 3.30 am we parted, and only at 4.00 i slept, after i blogged.

it was a night of epiphanies. if i were more independent, in the sense that i do not need a listener or even a friend, none of this would have happened. i could just shut the eff up like i used to do all the time when i was younger, like i still do now about some taboo topics i've never even mentioned to anybody. it's just that i'm used to having someone to share about this kind of topics with. that's a mistake, as when you begin to open up to somebody, you can't stop from letting them in. with me, it's either you know just a little, or you know too much. i can't stop with Hazirah as she's too invested already, it's too late. and honestly i do need someone. and there's no better made of honour for her than me. but with others, it's still early. i don't want to bother, annoy and bore people. i might hurt somebody. they might not understand me. we all will feel guilty.

i can be independent again. there are skeletons i never reveal to anyone and they remain dusty in my closet. i can do that again. there's a satisfaction in suffering alone, and as suffering alone is a suffering itself, the satisfaction is doubled. if you live through it will a smile, a new level of satisfaction is unlocked. but i'm not used to being stress and smiling anymore and it takes its toll on people around me. another reason why.

Stress and smiling. Because nobody wants to know about your inner demons, your bad days, your emotional moments :) But i try not to be that nobody so you can always come to me :) :) :)

and you can hurt nobody

the friend who always needs to talk to me in private, the first time she did, i asked her why. i did not look like i was qualified for solutions, i thought she would prefer someone who looked more like her, in appearance. i thought we were different. she said something along the line she didn't even know why, but she felt she could trust me. i have the psychologist face, i guess. lol. she didn't tell that to anybody, and to have that being told to me, was priceless. we were not that close, but we spent about two hours talking about her life and eventually, a little about mine which i didn't tell just anybody. that was the start of our friendship. 

even more so when i asked her "sebab ni ke awak nak ambik psychology?" she answered yes, and i said "kita pun. biasanya siapa yang ambik psychology mesti ada personal reason." even more so when i learned that she was a person who kept everything bottled up inside with nobody to talk to, someone who refused to let friendships blossom for fear of falling apart, someone who rejected attachment for fear of detachment, someone who was a more chronic version of me, someone whom i now, after months later, want to be. for the same reasons she chose to be that way. 

as i pondered about this on the dramatic predawn of february 25th, i thought of her and how i told her how that's all rubbish - you can't survive on your own, it's the law of nature to grow closer before growing apart so just appreciate the good moments and learn from the bad experience, everybody needs somebody -  and i thought, wow, irony.

25/2:

this is what happens bila dak insomama teman dak insomnia

day - needless to say how i was in class the next morning.

night - i had to study for my statistics test. something related to yesterday's screaming session bothered me. the fact that i did not understand what i was studying bothered me even more. every single little thing led to another and it bothered me. i just sat at my study table biting my lips. i looked at my quran. i felt like if i were to stay for another second staring at it, i would chew off my lips. so i told my housemates i was going to go outside for a while, grab my shawl and my quran. the one step i took outside the door, tears streamed down my face. surrounded by darkness, i chose to sit on a bench under a lamp light. at first i couldn't even mengaji without being interrupted by my own sobbing sound so whenever i paused i just buried my head onto the quran and into my lap. when i could read again, my voice was trembling i hoped nobody was listening, but if they saw me they would have known i was breaking down anyway. i noticed at least two people did.

the stupidest part of it all was i had no idea what caused it. i cried for no reason at all, or for all reasons at once. but i frankly think i cried for nothing. it was not pms i tell ya. i just completed my cycle. so maybe it was just my iman being low at that moment, the pits of being a girl. boleh je dekatkan diri dengan Allah masa 'tak boleh' pun, but we often forget. pms is just a justification for girls' unstable emotions. all the time girls nak pms. before cycle la, in the middle of the cycle la, after cycle la. alasan. why do i sound sexist here.

later i told another different friend of mine about this, and she said "mungkin Allah rindu ama tu," shit. after i had regained my composure (stopped sobbing and start reading properly) and my tears had dried, it was 12.30 am. i would love to stay outside longer but i had a mission to take care of: study. at 1.00 am, what i studied before finally made sense after i had let out all the nonsense.

this was my favourite song way back then

26/2:

day - statistics was much better than core maths. i actually answered all questions and had time to check twice and the last one which others stuck at, i could answer it. i don't care if what i thought i did right turned out wrong, as long as at least i knew something. at least it was susah no 1. at least it was okaylah. the result? that's a different story. i tried my best and that's all that mattered.

night - i cried because something was bittersweet, so i was smiling at the same time.

27/2:

day - i got my core maths mark. i failed. i never failed in my life ever. i failed, but i was okay. my friend cried, but i did not. in fact when i found it out, i felt a huge relief even when there was nothing to be relieved about. i guess i was just glad to get it over with. i guess it was because i have been emo enough right after i answered my paper, so i was prepared for the result. i felt nothing at all, and it felt good.

for someone who once cried because she got B for add math, i am super cool when i got worse than that for core math this time. i only hope i would not get used to being this cool though. 

judge me by my success, judge my by my failure, judge me when i'm a winner, judge me when i'm a loser

28/2:

day -  while waiting for our turn for french reading test, a few of my classmates were engaged in a conversation... about my hand. a classmate holds my hand and said to the boys "rugi weh kau tak dapat pegang tangan ama," because my hands are... soft. IT'S GENETIC FOR GOD'S SAKE. i admit i'm not the most rajin anak dara, but my skin being not rough or so they say, is because of my genes. my mom, who has been a devoted housewife for 30 years, has hands even softer than mine and people still question her "tak buat kerja rumah eh," when that's all she ever does. both of us find it funny that people think our hands are soft, but it's not fun when we have to explain to every human being who touches our hands. that girl was fangirling over my hands, i just let her be because it's nice to have someone holding my hand klolwut. but it was awkward when my guy classmate was staring at my hand and like "naaak" and wanted to have my parent's' number and whatnot. just marry my hand, i said. i need to wear a hand purdah for this.

then there was economics test. it was okay... kot. i don't know. of course there's gotta be something wrong somewhere, but at least i knew i studied and i tried. after i was done with econs it was like a giant heavy rock rolled off my back, i felt free. but not when the next second i had to think about the preloved sale we would be having that night for earth night and that rock crushed me again. my brain was so done and my body was not ready.

night - the fact that there were too many preloved items and not too many customers to buy them for charity did not as much bother me as something else did. i was again bothered by the fact that i did not want to hurt people but i still had to and i thought i even offended my mr president even when he had texted me and called me saying it was okay and told me to stop feeling guilty i made him feel guilty too. in the end everything made my delicious Awwal burger seemed tasteless and my night even darker than the lightless hours. i always knew i had to do something i had been dreaded to do. but this time, i finally started it.

it always takes a wrong for you to see what's right, it always takes a dark night for you to see the light.

and i am so sorry, the light is not me. i made everything darker, i made the stars suffer.

1/3:

day - waking up feeling like crap for today's class as i was so damn tired about everything last night and only went to sleep at 2.00 am despite my insufficient sleep last two nights. i had IELTS speaking test trial. speaking test is all about luck. someone who's good in english might get a question which is rubbish. someone who's not so good might get one which is cool. it affects your performance. there are all kinds of questions - your favourite item, your hobby, choose an animal and freaking describe why, healthy lifestyle, haunted places, the most beautiful place in the country, the most romantic thing you ever did, is education more important for a guy or a girl, have you experienced deja vu, do you believe in spritual healing, do you prefer the ocean or the river which is your favourite and why, what website benefits you the most, etc. as you can see the questions get crappier. so i prayed to God to end my week with ease, please, make it something i could answer straightaway without having to make something up, make it something i had already known or thought about, something like an opinion or experience instead of facts and nonsense.

i waited for my turn for almost two hours, bless my name. i love Nurul though, i would never change it to Nur or even a single name starting with A. Nurul, the word itself sounds beautiful. it's just all my life my name has been one of the lasts. i ain't complaining, but my cramped bum does.

when i introduced myself to the invigilator, i mentioned my full name as i actually skipped somebody's turn as my cramped bum could no longer take it and that somebody just arrived, sooo. she asked me what could she call me. i said amalina, or ama. she asked me whether my name has any special meaning. i explained to her about cahaya, light. then i said "i actually googled my name, and it stated that amalina means 'lanjut usia'" with a rather confuse frown on my face, as to show her i was confuse with my own name.

little did i know that she was not having a small talk with me. i realized it was actually task 1 as she handed me a paper saying "here's your task 2, you're given one minute to prepare". i was like whudddddd. i freaking said lanjut usia! i thought you were interested in my name! LOL AMA SO MUCH LOL SO MUCH FACE PALM! slack gila. i would have said long lived or something had i known the test had started.

but all that went away the second i read my question: what makes you excited.

i did not need to take another second to know what does: HARRY POTTER.

so yes, for IELTS speaking test trial, i talked about Harry Potter. AFTER ALL THIS TIME? ALWAYS.

only one thing could go wrong when you get a topic you actually know what to talk about; you have so many things to say so you have no time to properly arrange the sequence in your suddenly jumbled and overloaded brain compartments, which in my case filled with data tagged 'hp4life'. i wanted to talk about everything within the limited minutes and it was hard for my part i tell ya. you might ramble irrelevant stuffs instead of talking in proper order. what to do? i got what makes me excited and even talking about HP makes me excited! she could see how passionate i was, i am sure. what i liked about her was she was warm and encouraging, so i did not feel lame talking about Harry Potter at 19 for IELTS. i felt proud instead.

before task 2 ended i talked about how i actually lent my best friend the last book, but she was like "it's too thick" maybe she was just not into harry potter and i accepted that fact. the invigilator asked me "but it does not affect your friendship?" i answered "it does not. but i was offended... for a day." she laughed. hehe.

my task 3 was "which one was more important? family or friends?"

ya Allah, thank you Lord. Alhamdulillah. *please make her forget about the lanjut usia thing though*

but the happiness ended as i returned to my college and was reminded of the fact that i wouldn't be going home this weekend. staying at akasia for two weeks in a row, especially weeks like this, takes its toll on me. i went to Mydin to buy unhealthy chips and junk food and instant noodles as i have no intention to go out this weekend, no matter how tempting Big Bad Wolf, KLCC UK Uni expo, Nugheen's Sunway Lagoon trip and Pojan's paintball game may be. i just want to stay in my cave with my food and the internet and only go out for water in the well. at least i have privacy this weekend, and i dig that.

night - while waiting for isyak i read quran. my roommate went back home so being alone, i closed my bedroom door (to the point my housemates thought i went home as well). while reading, i heard my door squeaked, but nothing more so i thought my housemates were just checking up on me. i kept on reading. after i was done, i put down the quran, turned around and saw a figure sitting besides my door smiling at me and i scrEAMED AND ROLLED ON THE FLOOR THE WHOLE HOUSE HEARD ME AND THEY LAUGHED AT ME AND I LAUGHED AT MYSELF FOR BEING FREAKED OUT FOR A SECOND BY NUGHEEN. gurl why didn't you tell me you were there the whole time?! nak tercabut jantungku tahu!

this is not good for my heart.


later that night - i had to do what had to be done. i'm so sorry.

this is not good for somebody's heart.

dear diary,

as you can see, it was one hell of a week (or two) for me. my brain, my body, my heart, my mind are all so done. i need to get away but i can't. all i can do is recharge myself by having lazy alone time, and only then i can function again. but dear diary, if i do not go back home next week, i might have to kill somebody.

love,

Keretapi.

I Just Don't Want To Hurt Anybody

My problem is i don't want to hurt anybody. 

I don't want to hurt them when they know i don't like them. I don't want to hurt them when they are the ones who don't like me. I don't want to hurt them with harsh words. i don't want to hurt them with the bitter truth disguised in kind words. I don't want to hurt them when they know i'm the one who's hurt by their words. I don't want to hurt them if they know they hurt me and then feel guilty. i don't want to hurt them even if i hurt them because they deserve it. I don't want to hurt them if they know i don't trust them. I don't want to hurt them if they know i know they don't trust me. I don't want to hurt them by hurting them. I don't want to hurt them when they are the ones who hurt me.

I just don't want to hurt anybody and i just realized that. i just realized tonight that i better not get attached because i don't want to hurt people. when i hurt people, i hurt myself. when people hurt me, i hurt myself. what the eff is up with me. i just realized that having people to love means having people to hurt, in any way possible, and it sucks. it's either they hurt me, or i hurt them, or better yet we hurt each other. i try not to hurt anyone but sometimes i still do. tonight i just realized many things, one of them being how i suck at taking care of people's heart, and my own. that other people can hate me or hurt me, and i still blame it on myself. 

it has come to the point where it's just "that's all"

i always read about this, and i found it cliche. i found it ridiculous. for someone who keeps secrets, i let my wall down for the sake of friendship. i'm not another corny, misunderstood, bitchy heroine who's actually deep. i'm not someone who pushes people away. i'm not someone who doesn't build bridges. but tonight i think, maybe it's better that way.

It takes a lot for me to hurt somebody and not hurt myself at the same time. If I knowingly hurt you and i don't even feel guilty, then you must really deserve it. I don't want to hurt anybody maybe because i know how it's like to be hurt, or because i'm just bloody stupid. 

When they don't even care. But what if they do? Then i'll hurt them too. and i don't want that.

Just as how i don't want to be hurt, that's how much i don't want to hurt anybody. if i do, i'm so sorry.

There Is More To Life Than Math, Yes?

Ada dua jenis susah kategori susah peperiksaan bagi mata pelajaran berkaitan ilmu hisab dalam dunia ni.

1. Susah yang masa buat, kau harap takde salah tengok simbol takde salah tekan kalkulator takde salah kira takde cuai memana. Masa dah siap, kau cakap oh, boleh tahanlaa. Tak sure la betul tak. kalau takde careless mistake, insyaallah ok la kot.

2. Susah yang masa buat, laju menyelak muka surat sampai orang rasa kau siap cepat tp sebenarnya kau taktau buat, kau bukan cuai tp taktau, bukan takut kau teruk tp tau kau teruk. Masa dah siap, kau gelak sebab kau taktau buat sampai keadaan tu jadi kelakar. kau tau memang kau buat teruk bukan semua by chance lagi dah tp set in stone. pas puas gelak dan membebel kau diam balik, fikir gelapnya masa depan. 

Harini aku mengalami susah no 2. Yang kalau aku puasa, kira batal la sebab jadi gila sementara.

Ni susah yang aku tak pernah rasa. Ni susah yang aku tak join orang bincang jawapan sebab takkan sama. aku wassap group kelas "So i died. The end. Please come to my funeral. i need your doa. for at least a pass". orang teruja sebab jawapan betul, tapi aku cari Wani sebab aku rasa dia je faham aku sebab dia tak ambik add maths dulu. masalahnya kat sini aku ambik tau add maths spm, tp aku rasa wani pun lagi boleh jawab daripada aku. Aku peluk wani, cakap nak nangis. "nangis pasai pa? Semalam ka yang ni?" aku jawab "dua duaaa". ni susah yang buat aku cakap aku nak blah. Taknak buat a level dah. Nak kawen dok umah.

hek eleh over. Tp aku rasa aku tak pernah buat exam sesusah ni. Padahal test je kot. Soalan dia tak susah tapi... aku yang blur. Aku belajar ok... Dua malam sebelum. Stay up lagi. But this is what i get in return? pergh usaha tak seberapa nak persoalkan pula. formula cara dah tahu, tapi keliru. jawab latihan boleh, bila test terus hampeh. ajar orang bagi dorang faham, sampai kat aku... Cam haraaaaam. 

Ni mesti sebab banyak dosa ni :( 

Down tau tak down. Tersungkur diriku. Tersiat2 otakku. Tercalar maruahku. Terobek jiwaku. lulz. Tp serius ah weh down ah. 

Ah i hate you to the core, core maths. dulu buat add math aku selalu fikir pas sekolah aku taknak belajar semua ni lagi! aint nobody got time fo dat! tapi rupanya add math mengejarku sampai ke intec ni. dulu selalu dapat b add math. b untuk baik, tp b tu merosakkan slip exam aku. dari form 4 sampai mid year exam form 5 aku b aku rasa. orang cakap cukup bagus lah b, but not good enough for me. orang tak faham, kata aku tak bersyukur. aku bersyukur je, cuma aku nak dapat better. tapi test ni b pun takkan dapat punya :( 

Walaupun begitu, dulu aku ada cara nak lupakan sakit hati kat b aku. caranya ialah dengan mengingati x pula if ya know what i mean hahaha k tak. cemana? dulu selain masalah mengira, aku ada masalah jiwang. Bila aku emo pasal masalah mengira yakni lepas jawab add math atau dapat result add math, terus aku emokan diri pasal masalah jiwang. Bagi sakit hati pasal benda lain. konsep dia sama cam orang yang ada masalah emosi, tp tak tahan, so dorang cipta masalah fizikal untuk lupakan. cam yang kelar tangan tu la, rela rasa sakitnya darah yang mengalir semata-mata sebab taknak rasa sakitnya air mata yang mengalir, sakitnya urat yang terhiris daripada hati yang dihiris. pergh. cuma method aku je lain. aku waras lagi dun weri.

tapi kengkadang masalah jiwang aku takleh distract masalah mengira aku. lagi frust menonggeng dengan add math daripada dengan manusia yang pernah cakap aku complicated macam add math (oh the irony). nampak tak priority study tu di mana. tapi priority tak seiring dengan personality pun buatpe.

mungkin ini wake up call. ah banyak ah kau wake up call sebelum ni dah berapa banyak kali call pun tak wake up wake up jugak. but maybe this is the ultimate wake up call... lepas ni aku akan berubah. tapi kalau aku berubah jadi rajin pun aku takkan rajin buat latihan math sebab aku tak suka mengira ahhh

tadi pun sama. tadi lepas test terus aku dah takde mood nak belajar. takde mood nak makan (when that happens, you know something's totally wrong). takde mood nak bercakap. takde mood nak buat pape. diam je, takde selera. sampai Wani dengan Ceka kata "come back, ama, come back!" depa taktau dah nak buat lagu mana, cheq dah macam zomba depa kata.

malam semalam Wani emo pasal satu benda. sebagai bakal psychologist, aku dengan Aina pun mendengar luahan dia ketika sesi kaunseling tak dirancang kami. tetiba Aina kasi nasihat kat Wani yang aku pun memahami, pendek je, tapi terus mengalir-ngalir air mata. sampai aku dengan Wani benam muka kat kaki. sungguh tak dijangka. aku yang emosi stabil, bila Aina cakap pasal satu benda tu, terus tak dapat tahan. aku pun taktau effect dia sampai macam tu sekali. Allah... aku taknak macam ni!

"nanti esok kita sambung nangis lagi lepas math k," aku cakap masa kitorang bertiga peluk sama-sama sebelum balik rumah masing-masing.

tapi harini nak nangis pasal math pulak. lepas math aku cuba ingat benda yang buat aku nangis semalam so aku tak rasa macam loser gila, tapi tak berjaya sebab kesan core math lagi mendalam nampaknya masa tu. habis aku ingat balik segala masalah yang ada selama aku hidup, masalah kawan, masalah tah pape lagi lah... tapi core math masih menghantui diriku.

last-last lepas habis lunch yang aku tak habis pun sebenarnya sebab rasa macam loser of the year, Wani and Ceka paksa aku cerita pasal satu masalah lain pula. aku malas nak cerita. tapi dorang eager. so aku pun bukak mulut cerita and bila dah habis cerita yang tak habis lagi pun sebenarnya, aku rasa..... i'm back! yeay!

Ceka, Ama, Wani and Aina :') :'* 

okla dengan Nugheen sekali laaa haha. Nugheen buatla kita rajin study cam awaaak sobs. EH CUBA CARI PERSAMAAN DI ANTARA DUA GAMBAR INI HAHAHHAA

ada guna gak sebenarnya bila kita ada lebih daripada satu masalah. bila aku dah tak tahan pasal masalah A, aku lari fikir pasal masalah B. bila aku dah bosan dengan masalah B, sibukkan diri pasal masalah A, C... boleh lak camtu eh. yelah takdelah hidup aku revolve around masalah math je kan. pffft.

fuh. aku rasa dah lama aku tak blog pasal study. kalau dulu, berderet post emo pasal ni, haha.

oh hai Wani and Ceka. welcome to Keretapi! hehe. hangpa jangan buat lawak habaq kat sapa-sapa selagi cheq tak kasi ghgeen lait naaa.

The Moment When

People talk about this moment.

The moment when you actually tell yourself to be patient, if it's written, it's going to happen, just wait. The moment when you actually plead to forget, maybe it's not happening because you're not ready yet. The moment when you actually pray for Allah to make it all easy if it's meant to be, to make it all go away if it's not. The moment when you have to actually convince yourself to accept the situation for the time being and the fate in the future, that He knows what you know not and He knows best. The moment when you actually force yourself to feel it while whispering hasbi rabbi jallallah, ma fi qalbi ghairullah, if it doesn't harm me just let it be, but if it does then help me, ya rabbi. The moment when it actually hurts as you repeat all this, crying yourself to sleep... anything it is, please just make it easy.

do you know the moment?

The Fault in Our Stars

If you're on tumblr, you must be familiar with John Green. if you're familiar with John Green, it is impossible for you not to have heard of The Fault in Our Stars. if you have heard of it, it is a lie if this thought never occurs to you: 

"what's up with all the hype? i bet it's overrated. whoever is this writer dude anyway? i bet he's famous just because he's on tumblr. what on earth are these clouds? i bet people love it just because of the quotes. i can write quotes." followed by another thought: 

"the quotes are something, though. this writer dude who's also on youtube seems like a cool fella. i wonder what the book is all about..." and then another thought: 

"I MUST HAVE IT!"

i bought both. next: The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

so yeah, i have it now. and i have read it. if you have ever read my review on any book or movie or tv series, you know better than to continue reading at your own spoiler risk. i enjoy seeing people figuring out the plot twists themselves, but i enjoy writing full reviews freely better.

Augustus Waters. nuff said.

“I’m in love with you, and I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things."

Augustus Waters. you speak beautiful words. you are beautiful. you are an imperfect example of perfection. i love you. why are you fiction though

nobody talks like Augustus Waters in the history of real life, like ever. ok maybe only in the post-Shakespeare-and-Victorian era. which is, sad to say, the era of our generation which in the book Peter Van Houten deeply despised. it's okay if the things he says are cheesy, because he's a fictional character, sadly. fictional characters do what real people don't, so we have the pleasure of imagining it if not experiencing it.

is there still an Augustus living today? they don't exist. or at least, they are a rare species. that's why their beauty and tragedy we can only read on pages of fiction, fantasize in our own imagination. Augustus Waters was never meant to live, not in this world, not in that of Hazel. that's why John Green killed him. bastard.

"I lit up like a Christmas tree, Hazel Grace. The lining of my chest, my left hip, my liver, everywhere."

at this sentence, i started to cry. oh my god how could this happen he was perfect he was healthy he was okay and then all of a sudden, he lit up like a freaking christmas tree

"What am I at war with? My cancer. And what is my cancer? My cancer is me. The tumors are made of me. They're made of me as surely as my brain and my heart is made of me. It is a civil war, Hazel Grace, with a predetermined winner.” 

and when he died.... i wet my bed. with tears.

'Even cancer isn't a bad guy really: Cancer just wants to be alive.” 

he is a beautiful character. beautiful mind, beautiful face, beautiful sense of humour, beautiful obsession with metaphors. a character which makes me think "i might never meet someone like this. but i am glad enough to have known him." isn't it sad? to feel glad just by reading? as if i am so done with the world to even hope anymore, and instead seek comfort from fictional characters. fall in love with them. because even though it hurts when they die, at least they are never truly alive to begin with. they are never truly capable of truly hurting us, one way or another. of hurting us after they have loved us, or by not loving us at all.

it is better to be the reader, than to be a girl who'll never be loved as much as Augustus loves Hazel. no?

he loves her so much. it pains me to read their love story thinking how maybe, that's all i'd ever know, read.

“All I could think about now, as night fell, was how much you can love made-up people, and how much you can miss them.” 

maybe it doesn't make sense. how Gus can fall in love with Hazel that quickly, how he sees Hazel as extraordinary when she was just being different from others in looks and mind, how he loves her so much than some adults have ever loved anyone. but who cares? they are cancer victims. their days are numbered. they are not normal to begin with, so that's why their story is unusual. who cares?

it's a fiction anyway. *sobs

i've encountered the quotes in the clouds countless times, marveling at the structure of the sweet sentences, the wonder of the wise words, but i've never really understood the meaning, not until i read this book. now a freaking 'okay' can make me swallow back tears and the urge to push John Green off a cliff, before jumping for him with a parachute because that writer dude is just so good. the quotes make sense, they're not just some pretty literary devices. they are relatable, in many aspects of our lives. 

books are my escape from reality, my therapy. but fiction needs to be as real as real life, not just some impossible imagination, fancy fantasy. i prefer serious and sad books. the characters need to go through what we go through. i want to know what they do. life sometimes hurts, so do good books. in The Fault in Our Stars, Augustus Waters died. it hurt, but then it felt good. like when the tears dry you become wiser or something. because that's what life is, isn't it?

i can't agree more. that is what i've always thought about pain. that we hate it, but we linger on it. we choose to listen to heartbreaking songs when we're sad. we choose to remember the memories we want to forget. we choose to cry more when our tears have dried. when actually, we haven't really tried. genuine pain lasts for only a while, after that it's self-inflicted misery. it's an irony. but i guess, it's also symbolic. by feeling pain, we feel alive. by being hurt, we feel real. that we have our own story. that we live our life dramatically. that we're not another useless creature of a boring nature. that we're human. that we have worth.

amen. just, amen

(yeah this is amen as in i hope i'll live and die for a greater good but it's also amen as in this is what i live for it's so true this is like my life motto i'm so in love with you Augustus Waters)

“You say you're not special because the world doesn't know about you, but that's an insult to me. I know about you.” 

'I bought them a minute. Maybe that's the minute that buys them an hour, which is the hour that buys them a year. No one's gonna buy them forever, Hazel Grace, but my life bought them a minute. And that's not nothing.' ” 

“That’s part of what I like about the book in some ways. It portrays death truthfully. You die in the middle of your life, in the middle of a sentence”

“There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There’s .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I’m likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I’m grateful.”

“The pleasure of remembering had been taken from me, because there was no longer anyone to remember with. It felt like losing your co-rememberer meant losing the memory itself, as if the things we’d done were less real and important than they had been hours before.”

“Grief does not change you. It reveals you.”

“It seemed like forever ago, like we've had this brief but still infinite forever. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.” 

“Because you’re beautiful. I enjoy looking at beutiful people, and I decided a while ago not to deny myself the simpler pleasures of existence”

“I love you present tense.” 

i always have this odd desire to fall in love with someone who will.... die. fall fully, completely, irrevocably, irreversibly, even twilight-y in love with someone. even if the price is having him taken away from me after a brief infinity. it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, eh? and the best kind of love which two people not being fated together, is of course, not when the lovebirds can no longer chirp harmonically thus fly their separate sky, but when one of them is brutally shot and fall to the ground.

geddit?

"'But it was sure a privilege to love him, huh?' 
I nodded into his shirt.
'Gives you an idea how I feel about you,' he said.
My old man. He always knew just what to say."

like, i want to experience the whole real, true love thing and i want to cry rivers about it later. i don't want to cry because he cheats on me, or leaves me without saying goodbye, or whatever chick-lit novels offer, i want to cry because i know he loves me and doesn't want to leave me but the universe pulls us apart still and swallows him to dust. i want to be happy that if i could jump to the stars i could say hi to Pluto even if it means i will be in pain later when i fall back to the earth and die from falling before my dead body even crash on the solid hard ground. ouch. but at least, i once fly high, right? like Hazel, like Rose 'Dawson', like Snape, like the girl in Remember Me, like whoever else the heroine who loses their hero. like my mother.

“Oh, I wouldn’t mind, Hazel Grace. It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you.”

but i am selfish.

so i don't want him to be the one i'm going to marry. what's the point of it then? i don't know. just to give me a sense of living. an experience of feeling. because the one i'm going to marry will be the truest love i will ever have and i don't want to live without him, let alone see him die early, i want to be old and grey with him and when i'm wrinkled and ugly he will still call me beautiful (partly because he is senile and sees me as the bride on our wedding day all dolled up, but it's okay). and because if my odd desire ever becomes a reality, it requires my husband to die before me. which is not a way for me to live. i must die before him. if he lives for x days, i live for x-1 days.

this is getting ridiculous.

but i just. want. to. feel. okay? okay.

“You have a choice in this world, I believe, about how to tell sad stories, and we made the funny choice.”

― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

and i believe, this book is a proof.


“It's just that most really good-looking people are stupid, so I exceed expectations.'
'Right, it's primarily his hotness,' I said.
'It can be sort of blinding,' he said.
'It actually did blind our friend Isaac,' I said.
'Terrible tragedy, that. But can I help my own deadly beauty?'
'You cannot.'
'It is my burden, this beautiful face.'
'Not to mention your body.'
'Seriously, don't even get me started on my hot bod. You don't want to see me naked, Dave. Seeing me naked actually took Hazel Grace's breath away,' he said, nodding toward the oxygen tank.” 

overall, this is not like the best book ever. but it's good enough. ratings always dull the real thing, and maybe that is why this is not 'the best book ever' to me. but it can be one of the best. or it doesn't make a difference at all. the fault is not in the stars, not in us too, but in the universe of nothingness. 

it is certainly a book to remember though, with its intelligent insights on life, revelation of reality, visit to Cancer Town, unpaid parents nursing their sick children, positivity when confronted with mortality, cool blind dude whose loss of sense of sight improves his sense of humour, the ability to still laugh about something to cry about, wisdom words there's no way reading it without having many pages dog-eared, oh and so much more.  it is indeed a tragic tale of love and loss told in a beautiful way.

okay? okay.