Of Studies and Scholarship: Shit Just Got Real

Tadi ada meeting dengan sugar daddy aku: JPA.

oklah fine sugar daddy semua scholar JPA-MARA. yakni dak A-Level kat INTEC ni la. kitorang bawah JPA je sebenarnya, tapi masa apply MARA yang uruskan, after dah dapat offer fulusnya diuruskan oleh JPA pula. sebab tu JPA-MARA ok. dan adalah sebab lain juga yang private and confidential :3

i made this meme haha, inspired by a speech by madam rita ;)

"today a-level students were told that we are paid to study. that is something you don't hear everyday. we pay to study is normal, but we are paid to study is unusual. i never thought of it that way. with the sponsored fees, allowances, etc... kena sedar diri ni. ini namanya terhutang budi. kena... study. lulz B')" - 311212

masa tau ada meeting: semua hepi sebab kelas cancel yeay!

masa tau pas meeting kena masuk dalam group pulak jumpa pegawai JPA: semua mula saspen.

masa tau nama aku takde dalam senarai group sebab aku lepas cut-off point: free time yeay!

masa tau kengkawan down lepas jumpa pegawai JPA: aku pun down sama.

sebab ada ura-ura mengatakan bahawa kalau tak lepas certain point sem 2 ni, the scholarship will be terminated straightaway. do you understand the seriousness of the situation here. bukan tak lepas sem 4 tau, maksudnya external A-Level exam yang paper dari UK tu, tapi sem 2 ni, internal A-Level exam paper dari, well, INTEC. terus dihantar balik kampung. pastu nak buat apa? sedangkan A-Level penuh yang kita habiskan masa 2 tahun buat pun agak takde harga kat majoriti IPTA, kalau nak IPTS pulak kena bayar sendiri dengan harga tinggi kalau dah tak ditaja baik masuk asasi dari awal je, ni kan pulak A-Level separuh jalan yang sah-sah takde harga di mana-mana. nak mula balik guna result SPM, compete dengan juniors sendiri for foundation placement walhal rakan sebaya semua dah masuk degree? 

shit just got real man.

sampai sorang kawan aku ni, cakap kat aku "Ama kalau ada rezeki, kita jumpa lagi next sem."

aku pulak yang sedih.

bayangkan dorang. down gila.

sampai aku terus tak risau pasal pointer sendiri walaupun diri sendiri pun tak stabil lagi. bebila masa boleh jatuh ke paras bahaya. tapi risau sebab fikir pasal kawan-kawan. ya Allah permudahkanlah.

"kalau harini JPA nak terminate scholarship kamu, 159 orang je yang dapat sambung sem depan" - Encik JPA (bukan ayat sebenar (tapi lebih kurang la))

JPA just wants to push us to our maximum potential. bak kata Encik JPA "honeymoon bukan dekat sini, bukan dekat UK/US nanti, tapi lagi 6 tahun lepas dah habis degree" (eh tapi saya memang nak kahwin kalau boleh (sabar) 6 tahun lagi, memang honeymoon pun pastu hehehe OK FOCUS AMA THIS IS SERIUS).

JPA buat camni untuk kebaikan kita jugak kan? cuma... :'(

moga Allah permudahkan perjalanan kita.

memula masa dalam dewan dengar talk from Encik JPA tu pun aku dah dup dap sikit sebab time tu just tau yang kalau tak lepas cut off point habis A-Level nanti the scholarship will be terminated, taktau lagi pasal termination is possible this sem. padahal dulu kalau tak lepas, dorang hantar fly dekat-dekat je... atau sponsor sambung kat local IPTS... er ok la tu kan. now, tamat terus hubungan dengan sugar daddy.

our batch is the experimental batch. kitorang batch pertama yang medic tak disponsor langsung. sebaliknya JPA sponsor course lain macam architecture, accounting, termasuk bidang yang baru nak bertatih di Malaysia ini iaitu Psikologi (bertatih perghhh! (TQ JPA FOR SUPPORTING US!))

batch kitorang yang paling ramai rasanya. dan paling pelbagai. dan juga batch yang ada lagi satu policy baru: JPA akan terus sponsor sampai degree if and only if kitorang dapat masuk uni top 50. top 50 around the world bak hang! kau ingat senang?! yang boleh apply US/UK je masalahnya. jadi walaupun banyak jugak option dalam ranking 50 tu, tapi kemungkinan nak dapat placement tu... dengan semua top uni, dengan satu dunia nak compete lagi... Allah, agak susah.

pastu lagi satu masa talk tadi dia tunjuk prestasi kitorang last sem. dia bukan tunjuk je berapa ramai lepas cut off point, berapa ramai tak lepas. tapi dia tunjuk sekali result SPM kat situ. dorang cam saje je nak cakap "hah, dulu kau boleh dapat straight A, kenapa sekarang kau tak pass pun?" contoh k, contoh.

dia tunjuk camni. bagi setiap kategori keputusan: 12-15 point, 8-11 point, and so on, akan ada max SPM and min SPM. nak tunjuklaa dalam setiap kategori dulu SPM paling highest berapa, SPM paling lowest berapa. untuk 12-15, max SPM 7 A+, 2 A. aku taktaulah ni average ke apa, sebab takkanlah takde straight A+, 8 A+ kot kan? mungkin average untuk highest kot. tah lah.

pape pun, ya, max SPM 7 A+, 2 A untuk 12-15.

bila aku tengok tu, aku cam.....

rasa sesuatu.

JPA ni saje je ke nak tunjuk yang dulu aku boleh dapat max SPM, tapi sekarang takleh dapat max point?

ya, pass. tapi bukan max.

anda harus tahu.

aku kat sini dikelilingi oleh overachievers yang kengkadang buat aku rasa takde harga diri. hahaha emo gila, patutlah jadi Ama Emo (sila rujuk post lepas). overachievers yang hari-hari study, sakit pun study, pagi raya pun study siap kena marah lagi sebab asyik study je (omg that would never happen to me, aku kena marah sebab dah exam pun tak study - tu pun kena marah dengan kawan cos ma mom is a cool mom).

anda harus tahu yang aku tak dilahirkan dalam keluarga begitu, tak dibesarkan dalam keadaan begitu, tak dibiasakan dengan kelompok begitu. masuk sini terus stress. aku tak study, tengok orang study pun aku dah stress. untuk hilangkan stress aku kena tak study. hah habis tu dah pe cer kan?

mana tak rasa takde harga diri doh. mana tak down bai.

like i'm not enough. like i'm inadequate. like i'm nothing.

emo lagi.

but i am pun, sigh deeply.

aku dikelilingi oleh overachievers yang pelik kalau dia rasa malas. padahal aku pelik kalau aku rasa rajin.

ini baru namanya culture shock. yang Amalina Che Bakri 17 A1 tu bukan culture shock, sebab maksud culture shock sebenar ialah inability to adapt to new surrounding. aku ni baru Amalina culture shock.

satu benda aku suka pasal tempat baru ialah takde sape kenal aku. takde expectation. takde reputation. takde apa. takde. takde jangkaan guru-guru yang membebankan tapi memang baik, takde sangkaan kawan-kawan yang menolak aku ke depan tapi ada yang buruk. kalau kau baca blog aku sejak dulu, kau taulah camne aku terseksa jiwa raga duduk kat sekolah aku dulu.

satu benda aku suka pasal INTEC ialah semua orang kat sini berupaya. jadi aku bukan siapa-siapa. sebab akan ada yang lebih terer. sebab semua orang ada potensi masing-masing. sekejap aku atas kau, esok kau atas aku, lusa dia atas kita, tulat kita atas sama-sama. takde sape nak bising kalau aku tak kat atas lagi dah. tenang tau tak, tenang.

dulu kat SMKLK aku selalu kata aku taknak sekolah situ dah, aku nak pindah.

bila aku tak pindah memana, aku kata aku tak sabar nak habis sekolah, nak blah, nak pergi tempat baru.

Alhamdulillah, here i am today. my dream prep college, my dream course, on my way to my dream place.

and i got another thing i asked for; i am a nobody.

it's just a memory

(my family and i don't practice the habit of showing off our achievements in the middle of our living room,

my bedroom alone is enough for me to sometimes look at it and feel worth it awww)

(this is embarrassing but it's my blog so yeaaaaah)

(omg you're judging me now aren't ya)

(not that i care....)

(yeaaaah...)

i was overestimated and expected of many things for five years so can i now be like underestimated so i don't have to do anything... sounds legit?

tbh, sometimes it feels weird. to not be the target. to not be the reason for them to clap. to not be the candidate whose every step is observed by those who wish you well, and those who wish you fall. to be nobody. to be just another random student, just another name squeezed in the list. of course after five years of the opposite, it will feel weird.

but tbh, it feels good. nobody expects anything from me anymore. lecturers don't ask for my opinions, like teachers did when i didn't even know what she was teaching us about, i was busy gossiping with my classmates. friends don't always turn to me with questions, like my school friends always did when i didn't even know the answer prompting me to say "i'm not Google or a walking encyclopedia," because when they found out i didn't know, they'd say "Ama tak tau??" like i should know every single thing in the world. fellow students don't think of me as a competitor, and walk pass me saying sarcastic and cynical stuffs as if i long for their compliments and well wishes when we both know they weren't that honest, like a few of them used to do two years ago. after five years of yearning to be free, of course it will feel good.

so yeah, i guess it's all good.

cuma.

aku mula push diri aku dulu untuk study, walaupun last minute, walaupun sampai mabuk kopi, sebab orang. sebab jangkaan, mulut, harapan orang. sejak aku keluar MRSM form 1 dulu, masa nak final exam form 1, orang mula cakap "dak MRSM mesti score punya", "mesti kau yang dapat nombor 1 kan kalini", "takkan laa dak MRSM dapat teruk kot". bila aku dah dapat sekali, dorang akan cakap lagi "mesti kau top lagi laa". kau tau tak benda tu membebankan? tapi ya, menolak aku ke depan.

aku sakit hati, tapi tu yang buat aku study. dorang cakap, sebab tu aku buat.

nak fikir jangkaan diri sendiri je yang tak jangka tinggi mana pun sebenarnya? nak fikir harapan keluarga je yang terima aku seadanya asalkan tak teruk sampai conteng arang di muka? memang sampai bila pun aku tak mimpi nak kejar nombor 1, nak kejar anugerah pelajar terbaik, mata pelajaran terbaik bagai. takde.

jadi, benarlah ye. semua perkara ada hikmahnya. walaupun perkara tu pahit, hikmahnya manis :)

so since INTEC bukan macam SMKLK..... aku takut aku terhoneymoon tanpa sedar. aku tau aku terhoneymoon last year. nota yang aku suka buat masa sekolah dulu, aku tak buat. orang lain siap google kertas soalan extra nak jawab, aku past year question pun tak sentuh. belum lagi soalan kat buku yang tak jawab penuh. ada hati nak beli buku latihan segala? pfft. dalam kelas sehari tak tidur tak sah, camne nak fokus. balik petang tidur lagi. asal ada masa lapang tido manjang. belajar pun masa nak final je. masa final baru nak faham A sampai Z, memang tak lah kan nak dapat 15.

aku rasa aku lagi malas daripada form 5. 

tapi aku tengah cuba berubah ni, tengah. ada la nampak sikit perubahan. tapi perubahan ni cam tak dapat kejar je A-Level yang makin lama makin susah :(

tapi anda harus tahu.

aku jadi macam ni bukan sebab aku konfiden. aku tak pernah konfiden masa sekolah menengah walaupun orang cakap aku takde benda patut dicuakkan. aku tak pernah konfiden pas masuk kolej persediaan bajet aku dah terer sangat la konon dapat masuk sini. kalau kau betul-betul kenal aku, kau tau aku tak pernah konfiden. aku hanya pemalas dan penangguh kerja, tu je.

aku jugak tak menjatuhkan diri sendiri. aku takde penyakit sesetengah orang yang bila dorang konfiden, konfiden nak mati. bila down pulak, down nak mati. aku seimbang, and i like that. aku tak rasa aku layak dijulang, dan aku tak rasa aku patut dihumban ke longkang. seriously, people like this exist and they bother the heck out of me.

i mean, chill la bro sis semua. kita kena seimbang ;)

kawan aku cakap yang dia rasa dak-dak INTEC ni kira the best of the best lah, tapi dia rasa dalam ramai-ramai kitorang, dia the worst. aku cakap kat dia, so? even if you were the worst, you were the worst among the best! and it is something, you know. jangan fikir sangatlah pasal bebenda ni, jangan compare mengompare. dah masuk sini, it is already something.

kita semua sama je. memang akan ada student yang active dalam kelas, yang terer sports, yang bijak berhujah, yang bagus serba serbi. aku passive dalam kelas, walaupun aku ada benda nak cakap aku memang bukan jenis manusia yang angkat tangan and voice out my pandangan. aku haram tak reti bersukan. aku segan nak lantang bersuara. and aku langsung tak kisah.

dia dengan kelebihan dia, kita dengan kelebihan kita. mesti ada. takde, baiki diri. takleh, cari. mesti ada. mungkin bukan yang orang nampak, tapi ada. bila kita terima diri kita, baru kita takde kes konfiden nak mati pastu down nak mati pulak bila konfiden tu makan diri. kita takde sibuk nak buktikan diri kita kat sesape. sebab cukup kita tau diri kita. kita cool je dengan diri kita seadanya.

apa yang aku buat, aku cuba tak fikir sangat pasal overachievers yang buat aku rasa cam takde harga diri tu. lol. kalau kau asyik fikir pasal orang je, memang sampai mati tak habis stress. sentiasa akan ada yang lebih baik. yang penting, fikir pasal diri sendiri. fikir kalau dorang boleh, kenapa tak kau? takpe, cara kita mungkin berbeza. asalkan kita gerak sesama, sampai sesama. kau pun boleh. kengkadang memang aku stress pasal dorang. tapi aku ingatkan diri sendiri. takyah kisah. takyah. kisahkan diri sendiri je.

focus on your own journey, rather than trying to potong orang tepi.

sampai juga nanti :)

kengkadang aku rasa Allah saje biar aku rasa benda-benda yang tak enak untuk dirasa sebelum ni, so bila aku dah sampai sini, aku lebih memahami. aku faham orang di atas. aku faham orang di bawah. aku faham orang di bawah tak suka bila orang di atas merendah diri sangat, tapi bukan rendah diri pun, memang rasa diri itu rendah sebenarnya, bukan bajet humble ke apa. so sekarang baru aku faham kenapa dulu orang menyampah kat aku hahaha. aku jugak faham orang di atas tak suka bila orang di bawah insecure. bila cakap "untunglah pandai", "dak-dak straight A", "awak dah pandai dah takyah study", "apa kau nak risau kau konfem score," orang di atas tak suka. so bila aku rasa aku di bawah sekarang, aku takdelah buat perangai macam tu. menyakitkan hati tahu.

aku buat jugak kengkadang, sebab aku tau aku menyakitkan hati and aku nak korang rasa apa aku rasa dulu muahahaha.

tapi biasanya aku memahami ;)

hmmm.

i have to transform to the old me. i evolve with expectation. i bow to burden. i flee from failure rather than sail to success. i'm not gonna pull myself, so i must be pushed. people must be hard on me so i will be hard on myself. i must cry when i get a B. i must not say it's okay.

cos i want that 15 so badly.

Ama 101: Suddenly It's A Post About Me

Selama aku hidup orang dah panggil aku macam-macam. ada yang betul, so aku tak kisah. ada yang tak betul, so aku marah. ada jugak yang betul tapi aku still marah.... ("amalina gemok gedempol" oh memori pahit darjah empat) ada pulak yang buat aku "hah?" kejadah... (sambung dalam hati la tapi)

masa sekolah menengah, zaman KRK. kengkawan aku ada nama manja; Hajerah Pajero yang paling femes antara semua. nama manja aku... Ama Emo. seperti yang disave dalam contact si Pajero.

i guess i was emo. but i don't know what part of me was though.

aku rasa sebab reaction aku kot. aku punya reaction kengkadang boleh jadi over. aku tak emo mane, tapi reaction je over. contohnya "jauhlah nak jalan gi 7e. stress." aku ada habit yang aku suka overkan benda tapi orang sekeliling aku ada habit yang dorang akan percaya bila aku over. padahal aku memain je. samalah cam aku jarang merajuk. tapi aku suka bebuat merajuk, pastu bila orang pujuk aku taktau camne nak explain yang aku tak merajuk pun sebenarnya. so aku biar je dorang haha. pastu dorang pulak yang merajuk ngan aku sebab aku merajuk ngan dorang. kejadah?

aku tak reti pujuk orang

aku hanya akan pujuk bila aku tau aku betul-betul salah, atau aku taktau apa salah aku. kalau aku rasa apa aku buat tu betul, untuk kebaikan orang jugak tapi orang nak sentap, aku akan minta maaf. pastu dah. terpulang nak maafkan ke tak. aku dah rasa bersalah walaupun apa aku buat tu betul, tengok orang rasa bersalah tak biar je aku yang minta maaf ni. takde aku nak kejar nak pujuk nak menagih kemaafan kalau kau main lari-lari merajuk ngan aku. kengkadang aku pujuk la jugak, tapi kalau jual mahal lagi after one point aku akan done ngn kau pastu biar je kau. biar kau cool down dulu, bagi aku cool down sekali sebab penat tau tak nak memujuk orang ni.

aku rasa aku jarang merajuk sebab dari kecik walaupun aku anak last, aku tau yang kalau aku merajuk pun takde sape nak pujuk. takde sape nak geletek, nak belikan hadiah, bawak makanan masuk bilik. kalau aku merajuk, makin aku kena silent treatment lagi adelah. makin aku kena bebel adelah. aku belajar pujuk diri sendiri. kalau merajuk pun tak lama, kengkadang orang taktau pun aku tengah merajuk. melainkan orang buat aku betul-betul panas hati. tu pun aku still tak main lari-lari sebab aku tau last-last aku pulak yang kena pujuk orang yang buat aku merajuk.

tapi yang pelik pasal aku, orang yang benci aku boleh pulak aku kejar. orang yang buat salah kat aku boleh pulak aku yang menagih maaf, tanya apa salah aku kau boleh tak suka aku sampai camni sekali. boleh pulak aku membodohkan diri. mungkin sebab aku tau ini namanya masalah. setakat merajuk, itu namanya acah-acah.

ada jugak yang cakap aku nampak happy je. 

takde emo marah-marah, aku cool. ni zaman KRK dululah, zaman gelap di mana budak perempuan and budak laki kelas aku kerap bercakaran. zaman budak laki suka ejek budak perempuan and budak perempuan suka bebel kat budak laki. tapi aku tak camtu, ada yang kata. aku selalu try buat orang hepi, ada yang kata lagi. awww :')

aku rasa ada orang yang lagi emo daripada aku. aku kalau emo pun biasanya part main-main tu je, jarang yang serious sampai jadi diam pastu muka menakutkan macam nak makan orang, orang nak pujuk pun takut, sampai keemoan dia menjejaskan emosi orang lain. aku tak seemo tu aku rasa. tapi Aizureen pernah kata yang dia jarang nampak aku marah, tapi sekali aku betul-betul marah, muka aku menakutkan. jadi bersedialah.

orang senang buat aku hepi, terharu, teruja kipas tangan gaya 90210 lompat-lompat semua, tapi sekali kau buat aku betul-betul marah, aku tak buat apa, muka aku je main peranan kata mereka. jadi bersedialah.

mungkin Ama Emo tu maksudnya aku ni banyak emosi, bukan beremosi kot.

it really is, but ah what the hell

sampai sekarang ceruk mana yang aku emo pun aku tak tau.

maybe because i'm a writer too. as i've said before, "that's why writers are always misunderstood. because we write as if we're dying, when actually we're alive and kicking (dying inside... maybe)" oh yeah that old, best friend of mine, dia sudah tidak berblogging lagi, buat masa ni. dia tumblring sahaja.

"i feel uncomfortable updating isi hati dekat blog macam dah dicemari certain people .............."

"i've been thinking to do something like that too, idk, maybe a tumblr or a blogger yg tak dicemari just to write my isi hati being melodramatic and poetic and jiwang and emo and all without worrying that unwanted people will read bout it but the thing with me is i'm so sentimental i even get attached to my blog and tumblr and tak sampai hati nak menduakan mereka haha"

"gilaa lawak. bila nak move on, ceyy. ahaha baguslah tu, tanda2 orang yg setia."

"kannn? i get attached to everything kot. my phone number and watch since i was 11 can vow for me. i have bitter memories with my blog tp attachment punya pasal sampai sekarang setia lagi"

haha sorry love for sharing our private affair here but i just had to :)

dia ni memang tak setia. suka sangat tukar-tukar phone number sampai susah nak contact tru phone dah. tapi aku dari dulu sampai sekarang guna nombor pertama aku, sampai bila-bila. blog dia pun dah berapa kali dah dia tukar, aku pulak kekal dengan Keretapi yang satu. EH TAPI DIA TAK SETIA DENGAN BENDA TAK BERNYAWA JE. dengan manusia dia setia. seperti yang sepatutnya. aku ni dengan kepit (ke ketip?) kuku pink yang dah guna 5 tahun pun nak sedih bila hilang, pe cer kan.

so yeah, i guess one more thing about me is i'm sentimental.

nope, not guess. i KNOW i am VERY sentimental. i get attached to things and of course, people (but i think i get attached to non-living things more cos they never hurt me you know ouch burn myself). heck, i even get attached to books, tv series, and movies.

kengkawan aku kata aku pandai jaga barang. itu sebab aku sayang. 

pensil tekan pun aku boleh pakai bertahun. phone kalau tak bermasalah atau orang tak kasi as hadiah pun takkan tukar, kesah hape aku orang nak kata aku koman pun. jam tangan yang dah jatuh, dah calar, dah bermandi lumpur dengan aku kat kem, dah habis battery pun aku sanggup beli battery baru daripada beli jam baru (ELLE: quality that lasts for 8 years and counting). botol air pakai 3, 4 tahun tertinggal kat dewan hari last SPM pun aku sedih. rantai love white gold yang aku pernah pakai bertahun pun baru tukar pakai rantai love gold pulak sebab cakuk dia dah terbukak (itu pun plan nak tukar cakuk nanti). cincin aku tempah masa darjah 3 hilang kat rumah sedara last year buat aku sedih tahap cipan sebab tu satu-satunya cincin yang muat ngan jari aku yang er agak halus cincin lain longgar (budak 18 tahun pakai cincin masa dia 9 tahun, pernah dengar?), since that ring fits my finger perfectly you know sebab memang dibuat untuk aku, aku yang pilih batu merah tu, and sebab I FREAKING WORE IT FOR ALMOST 10 YEARS IT'S LONGER THAN ANY OF YOUR CHILDISH RELATIONSHIP OKAY!!!11! (maybe this is why they call me emo) 

kau nak setia tahap mana lagi hah? hahah

nak kata aku berjimat, tak sangat. memang tak bila jumpa makanan, baju, bag, buku... tapi aku penyayang ececeh. apa yang boleh pakai lagi, elok lagi, tak rosak, tak hilang, biasanya aku tak ganti, aku tak beli baru. apa yang aku sayang, aku tak ganti. apa yang ada sentimental value, aku tak beli baru. sebab nanti aku rasa bersalah kat yang lama, kesian kat yang baru.

kalau aku ni laki memang aku takkan berpoligami har har.

lagi satu, orang cakap aku.... motherly.

lagi-lagi kat INTEC ni. minggu lepas je dua kali kitorang kena berlakon dalam kelas, dan dua kali jugak aku pegang watak mak orang. kali kedua orang suruh aku berlakon jadi mak tu aku dah tak nakkk. aku dahlah tak reti berlakon, asyik nak tergelak je, tapi korang suruh aku berlakon jugak kenapa?

"cos you look like a mother. you have that.... face."

kejadah?

semata-mata.

ada yang siap cakap i can bear 30 children, just because i have that face, i look like a mother. hmm tengoklah kalau mampu. Anis, classmate aku merangkap deskmate belah kiri, cakap aku macam mak dia, anak dia, adik dia, all at the same time "i'm your everything, anis," i said. aku macam budak-budak, tapi aku macam mak-mak. sebab perangai and muka. apakah.

i guess i'm just flexible and versatile liddat.

siapalah lelaki dan anak-anak yang bertuah itu HAHAHA k.

tapi ada satu perangai aku yang aku taktaulah orang perasan ke tak, tapi aku rasa tak. orang sedar aku macam ni bila dah rapat dengan aku je. atau bila aku rasa aku nak tunjuk perangai aku camni. pastu cakap "ooohhh ama dah majuuu"

"dude plis, aku dah maju long before you even know what maju is"

aku boleh jadi..... inappropriate. nuff said.

maybe i'm gonna get judged and critiqued, but ah what the hell

untuk prektis IELTS speaking test, kitorang buat speed dating. it is very interesting. bukanlah date betul-betul tapi (sad life (IT'S A JOKE, CHILL (this is what i call bracketion btw, inception pun! geddit???))). dua orang duduk hadap each other. sorang tanya, sorang jawab. pastu tukar orang. tukar orang. tukar orang. camtulah. aku suka speed dating ni sebab dapat mengenali classmate dengan lebih dekat dan menjalinkan ukhwah yang lebih erat ewwaaah. walaupun kena tanya soalan based on scheme, tapi after dah habis sesi soal jawab tu kengkadang ada masa lagi so sempat sembang sikit.

hari khamis haritu aku jadi interviewer, the interviewee was one of the new boys (the new boys are the fast track boys, usually they are our juniors, they float from classes to classes and they have worse schedules than us since they just enrolled in january but are going to fly with us next year, so, sufferrrr). i don't talk to the new boys though. but this time, i had the chance hehehe.

when it was my turn with one of the new boys, he was like "eh you're the interviewer", because i was the interviewee last time we speed dated lol. then after we were done with the scheme, my classmate told him to ask me something and then to say "PERGH" after i answered (idek why, that's her trademark kot or she's just guiding this dude because he's like quite shy and that makes him cute ok). he asked me

"so what are you doing tomorrow?"

In a parallel universe i would have answered 

"Why, do you want to ask me on a real date?"

But nah. 

Eh tapi aku still sweet-sweet ngan classmate aku sorang ni. Tu pun sebab aku tau perangai dia camne and bajet sweet ngan dia tak mendatangkan kemudaratan. We only love to role play. We (kekonon) came to an agreement that we have many things in common, like we can see the connection but we, as i said, "kenot go on la liddis" because as he said, "nanti anak kita jadi cam The Hobbit." tapi bebaru ni bila aku mintak dia HIMYM, dia cakap nanti dia kasi aku tengok bila aku jadi housewife jaga anak nanti sebab ada banyak masa free. "kalau I tak masak camne youuu? Anak nak makan ape?" dia kata "KFC kan ada." lol. hence two of the very few examples when i dont mind being bajet sweet. I mind being real sweet though. Saving it ;)

proof: aku pernah tangkap gambar ngan classmate aku tu, pastu aku cakap "Ni gambar ke-4 aku ngan laki. You better treasure this till the day you die. Kesian laki aku nanti" pastu dia jawab "tapi bukan laki kau ngn laki gambar ke-4 tu org yg sama ke?"

"kenot go on on la, kenot"

"what to do"

"what to do"

we both shrugged.

Oh and i do mind talking using I, U actually. unless it's full english, full time, which is boring. Kalau kau laki, kawan dengan aku, aku-kau je cukup. Dengan bakal laki aku sendiri pun kalau boleh aku nak beraku-kau, siapa anda untuk beraiyu dengan saya? Melainkan anda tak tau. Dan saya biasanya biar je anda tak tau sebab agak awkward nak bagitau and so you'll forever stay in the stranger zone. Muahaha. 

so yeah i don't do I/U.

Back to the subtopic, itu kira boleh tahan lagila, tak inappropriate pun. di bawah disertakan beberapa contoh yang mungkin anda tak patut tahu pun sebenarnya tapi sebab ni blog aku suka hati aku lah kan. tak ni tak mengaibkan diri, sebab aku rasa takde salahnya aku begini i love being me hahaha

1. kitorang kena buat satu latihan. bukan latihan sukan ke apa, aint nobody got time fo dat, tapi latihan kerja rumah lah pffft. kena buat soalan 1D. classmate aku sorang ni DHF One Direction. so time tu dia macam "1D weh 1D", teruja nampaknya.

aku nak je cakap "I know you'd do 1D... hard."

tapi aku tak cakapla. keluar ilmu kang terus tak dapat jawab 1D astaghfirullahalazim.

2. dua classmate laki aku tengah gaduh manja, satu kelas tengah gelak tengok dorang. sorang ni rasa dia dah menang, dia cakap "take that, who's below me now?! you!" something like that. lecturer kitorang kata "that sounds so wrong!"

dua classmate perempuan aku dah gelak gila-gila, pastu lecturer tu kata "you get what i mean right? only you two get it" but in mind i was like "i get it too miss, why don't you notice me do i really look that innocent i can be ghetto too :( "

3. classmate aku lagi sorang tengah minum air. pastu air tu tumpah atas baju dia. kali ni aku betul-betul cakap "I didn't know you breastfeed."

omg i should stop here.

benda yang aku tau masa sekolah rendah, kebanyakan kengkawan aku masuk sekolah menengah pun ada yang tak tau lagi. kenapa korang tak tau? macam mana aku tau? wallahualam. ilham agaknya har har.

masa aku KRK, kengkawan aku semua baik-baik, blur-blur je. jadi tak nampak sangatlah perangai aku ni sebab dorang tak mengerti. nampak bila aku dalam kalangan budak laki. sebab budak laki baru tukar suara, baru nak up la, sesikit buat lawak tak senonoh pastu ketawa terbahak-bahak. bila aku dengar aku diam je padahal paham. kengkadang tergelak gak. kengkadang aku terpaksa tegur. kalau dorang sedar, terus dorang "weh ama faham weh ama faham!"

tapi kengkawan perempuan aku semua cam "ha faham apa?"

bless you.

it's better not to tell things sometimes, but ah what the hell

pas aku masuk AB, bertemu Aizureen ngan Diena. Diena ni tudung labuh, tapi biasanya faham, itu yang special pasal dia haha. Aizureen pulak faham sentiasa, hahaha. so finally i met my people, where i truly belonged lolol. takpe jangan risau kitorang masih ada batasan ok, kitorang anak dara bermaruah ok.

memang aku ada batasan. sebab tu lah apa yang ada dalam otak aku tak semua aku suarakan. i can make nasty, funny, inappropriate remarks if i want to, but usually i don't. and that is all that matters right cey.

tapi orang kata muka aku innocent :3

aku taktau camne aku boleh jadi camni. sebab early exposure to cerita omputeh kot, otak jadi cepat pick up. melentur buluh kan biar dari rebungnya, tapi ni salah lentur dah ni. mungkin jugak sebab adik-beradik aku semua laki. tapi dorang tak cakap benda camni depan aku. pernah sekali, ugh geli cakap pasal hal laki ingat aku tak faham la tu. adikmu ini tidaklah senaif yang disangka wahai abang-abangku. 

atau naturally talented, mebi.

Anis cakap dia rasa chromosome dia XY.

"why?"

"because i'm attracted to girls"

"lol Anis you have a future husband already. kalau camtu kita pun XY la, i have crushes on girls, i stare at them and when i see sexy girls i wonder 'kalau aku rasa camni, laki apatah lagi' so kita cam faham laki aa. i'm straight though"

"yeah i think you're XY"

"haha i think so but why??"

"tah Ama ada macam laki sikit"

"maybe, dah abang-abang kita semua XY, terbawak-bawak sampai kita kot"

meet Anis. Anis is full of contradictions. to her i'm like a little kid, and also a motherly figure. to her i'm a girly girl, and also boyish. but she understands me and that's all that matters :")

maybe i'm full of contradictions. 

am i good at hiding it?

this is only the social side of me. by social i don't mean i'm a social butterfly, it just means how i am with people. i'm an introvert actually, but am a tiny, tiny, tiny bit extrovert. see, contradictions again. maybe it's because we all have two sides of every characteristic, we all are two sides of each coin. what makes a difference is which side is more dominant. don't even get me started on the school girl side of me, which is full of contradictions as well. contradictions some people can never accept. that i can be this, but also be that. that it is possible to be both. i wonder how many people can't accept this social side of me.

i'm not bi, if that's what you think i'm talking about.

but see i'm not that good though.

ok end of Ama 101.

Doesn't Mean It's Love

Some hearts hear each other—even in silence. - Yasmin Mogahed 

just because you see a girl who catches your eyes and your heart, doesn't mean you're in love. just because a guy whom you have a crush on has a crush on you, doesn't mean you're in love. just because a girl gives you the slightest bit of attention and you enjoy her presence, doesn't mean you're in love. just because a guy who likes you has girls queuing around the block for him, doesn't mean you're in love. just because a girl makes your stomach turn with butterflies and your heart tear in ache, doesn't mean you're in love. just because a guy fills your cup of the perfect definition of love, doesn't mean you're in love. just because you dream of a girl, doesn't mean you're in love. just because you cry for a guy, doesn't mean you're in love. just because you love the idea of love, doesn't mean you're in love. just because the feelings come back, doesn't mean you're in love. just because the feelings stay, doesn't mean you're in love. just because you feel someone is the one and you pray for it to The One, doesn't mean you're in love.

i don't know what that is, but i know not to simply call it love. justifications for me, explanations for others. in denial maybe? or being realistic probably?

i think love is best defined when you already have everything. you are not lonely, you are wealthy, healthy and happy, yet you still need that one thing.

but then again, who am i to say what is love and what is not. what is real friendship and what is not. those who know, know. but what if those who say they know, don't know that they don't? and what if those who say they don't know, don't know that they do? how do you even know if you love someone?

doesn't mean you're in love. why? just because.

The plain state of being human is dramatic enough for anyone; you don’t need to be a heroin addict or a performance poet to experience extremity. You just have to love someone. - Nick Hornby 

if you love someone, you're afraid of your feelings. if someone loves you, you're afraid of theirs. if you love someone, you wonder if they love you too, you're afraid if they don't. if someone you love loves you, you wonder when will their feelings change, you're afraid if they won't stay the same. oh, love. okay. but till when?

can't we just love without wondering, without fearing, without expecting anything?

what if someone who you think is the one, thinks someone else is theirs? what if someone you pray for, prays for someone else? what if someone you waste your tears for, for someone else they waste theirs? what if someone you wait for, waits for someone else?

ah, the cycle of whatever that is. it puts everything into perspective. it puts you in the shoes of that someone and put that someone in your shoes. it gives you the taste of their feelings and them yours. it gives you a deeper understanding. understanding if that someone chooses to stay, if that someone will not be okay, understanding that about the matter of their heart, you don't have a say.

Even when letting go of people hurts, face your heart towards Allah and run. Whatever is meant for you, will come after you. Whatever is not, will stay behind. - Yasmin Mogahed 

can we rely on that abstract feeling? immeasurable instinct? the hunch that they are the one?

we can not.

had Ted Mosby followed his hunch with every girl who he thought was the one, it would have been a series called How I Met Your Mothers. Ted always has that feeling, that instinct, that hunch. but look where that brought us? 8 seasons motherless.

I get so many messages about broken hearts. Trust me folks, it’s not romantic to love someone you can’t be with. It’s torturous. Please save yourself the torment. - Yasmin Mogahed 

what if someone who you think is the one, is the one to other people as well? if thinking someone is the one is a concrete evidence enough, it means one person have to marry different people for a couple of times, to fulfill the prophecy of "he/she is the one for me".

three dots: we can not.

is it too cruel if we ask those whose heart we have broken “how did you heal?” 

when ours are broken too? but what if they say “it is broken still”?

i'm afraid to let people push fate. let God will it, while we just wait.

(and get tempted and tormented every minute)

Don't wait for a tree which may not bear any fruit for you, even if you're willing to. isn't it a God sent miracle if one day when you're not looking, the fruit rolls down your feet? Might be from the same tree, might be from another. not expecting makes it sweet, but yes, waiting makes the fruit sweeter.

ah, easier said than done, say those who hold their breath under the sun.

then let's just sweat and shiver together day and night, but which one of us will taste the precious fruit of our patience?

because sometimes, you can't tell someone to stop, nor do you want to stop yourself.

The fact that our heart cannot let go of things--despites the countless arguments our mind makes, despite the utter foolishness of the attachment, despite the impossible nature of the heart's wish--is a humbling reminder that we are not in control of our own hearts; He is. - Yasmin Mogahed 

no offence, i just don't trust people

i am not "too good" for anybody. i don't deserve to be thought that way, that anyone is not good enough for me. i'm not that good. i've always wanted to be the game changer, but maybe my trust issues make me more capable of not being a coach to train an experienced player, but a cheerleader to cheer for the one who has never been in the game, during his only game. i would still love to change the game plan, even if the winning score is not for me. i don't want people to make the home run if i won't be there to give them the trophy. and i don't want people to think of it as just a game and grab the trophy from me. so i better leave the field. at the same time i don't want the crowd to think that i'm cruel, that i don't care. i do, and it's less cruel this way.

Love is letting go. And praying for the best. - Yasmin Mogahed 

but what if one would rather be hurt and hold on?

don't worry. it is easy to forget me. some people do even if i never ask them to. 
i'm sure it will be a whole lot easier as i ask you to :)

everybody moves on eventually :)

Pendengar Setia Kita :)

Assalamualaikum. aku kat rumah. yeaaaaay! lepas tiga minggu di perantauan (takyah nak perantauan sangatlah kan), lepas ribut emosi seminggu dua lepas, bila balik rumah ni rasa hepi sangat. walaupun ada je yang boleh buat aku tak hepi sebenarnya. tapi takpe. i'm thankful enough to have a home to go back to, to have a mom to vent to ;)

haritu aku call mak aku. aku cakap aku kena balik jugak minggu ni kalau tak aku akan mengamuk di bumi Shah Alam sebab i've had enough with my emo week. ce teka mak aku cakap apa. ce tekaaa. ceee.

dia cakap: "belajarla"

whud. whuddd. WHUDDDDD.

maaa apa ni maaa. ma tak pernah suruh ayu belajar, sekali dalam bulan biru je (once in a blue moon) bila dah jam kesebelas (at the eleventh hour). tapi bila orang tengah stress tengah depress tengah suppress in a mess segala kejadah pulaklaa ma suruh belajar. apa ni maaaaa 

"bukanla. belajarla kawal emosi tu. nanti nak fly camne kat sana" selamba mama jawab.

ok.

tengah belajar la ni. tengah kawal la ni. kalau tak kawal takdelah aku jadi camni. kalau tak dah lama satu Shah Alam ni aku flip. sekarang flip table pun tak pernah lagi. nak flip table. flip INTEC. flip the world. tsk. oh tapi aku pernah patahkan hanger. lega rasa.

satu hari dalam kelas minggu ini, i wrote this:

I feel so many things. i am going to explode. i am going to melt. i am going to evaporate. i feel so many things yet i don't know where to channel these feelings. where to get mad. what to confess. how to forget. it's all a tangled mess. now i understand why people resort to punching walls. it's all inside me but i can't let it out. my breathing feels like fire and my heart hurts my chest. my mind screams inaudible voices.

metaphors and hyperbolas much. well, writers B) (eh did i just become a self-proclaimed writer?)

that's why writers are always misunderstood. because we write as if we're dying, when actually we're alive and kicking (dying inside... maybe). one best, old friend of mine understands this. she once made her blog private (and now, again... but please unlock it, how else am i going to fall in love again dearie?) and stopped pouring her emotions out because people just don't understand. in fact, they misunderstand when we writers, write. we just express. we don't want to impress. we're not looking for attention or misconception.

okay? okay :)

minggu emo aku berakhir sabtu lepas. kot. tolonglah dah berakhir. aku ingat dah ok, tapi tetiba sesuatu jadi yang buat hari sabtu tu the unexpected climax of the week. but climax is always unexpected isn't it? so is the epilogue. so is the monologue. so is everything else, sigh. masa climax tu aku sengsorang. nasib baik aku sengsorang, sebab masa tu aku menyedihkan. bila sengsorang... barulah kita dapat melepaskan perasaan. bila sengsorang... barulah kita cari Dia.

sumpah, ya Allah, sumpah. berbeza sangat rasa dia bila kita sedih dan cari manusia (atau jadi loner) dengan cari Allah. biasanya emo tu akan berlanjutan. fikiran kacau, sampai kacau kerja, kacau tidur, kacau selera. tak kisah lah sebab apa pun, berat ke, ringan ke, tapi bila kita cari Allah, semua tu hilang. tak terbawa-bawa. kita tak malu nak cerita walaupun tu perkara paling kecik, yang orang lain perlekehkan. kita tak malu nak cerita kalau tu masalah paling besar, yang orang lain takkan faham. Allah faham. Allah tau. Allah dengar. Allah nampak. Allah ada. cukup Allah untuk kita. hasbi rabbi.

tapi tak bermaksud kita tak perlu berkawan. hmm. dekat Allah kita luahkan segalanya, "dengarlah", serahkan cerita kita, "tulislah". dekat kawan kita mintak pendapat dia, "sudilah", pinjam telinga dia, "sabarlah". Allah diam, tapi Dia tolong. kawan bersuara, tapi dorang tak berkuasa. kawan pun penting juga. i love my friends seriously, to have them makes me so lucky.

cuma itu lah, dalam konteks antara kawan dengan tuhan, mestilah berbeza :)

when you cry for people, it drowns your heart. when you cry for Allah, it cleans your heart. when you cry to people, it sometimes washes them away. when you cry to Allah, it always wipes your pain away.

kalau sekecil-kecil atau sebesar-besar masalah boleh buat aku makin dekat dengan Allah, Alhamdulillah. it is truly a blessing in disguise then. kalau masalah tu boleh buat aku solat, sujud, doa dan mengaji semuanya sambil menangis, mengadu rasa akulah selemah-lemah hamba, Alhamdulillah. mungkin memang itu yang aku perlukan.

tak kisahlah kalau sebab yang remeh pun :)

anggap je Allah panggil kita. bukan panggil badan kita je, tapi panggil hati kita.

cuma harapnya, takdelah masalah yang buat aku makin jauh dengan Allah. kita tak tau kan, hmm.

okkk. enough with that.

sekali lagi aku nak buat permohonan maaf terbuka. atas sebab yang sama. juga kepada seorang junior.

so two juniors of mine blog about me. i don't deserve it, but... tears. it doesn't matter if i can't satisfy everybody. if some even misunderstand and hate me. what matters is i can touch the lives of a soul or two. if they really understand me but still love and accept me the way i am. it's their prayers and thoughts that count.

thank you, loves. thank you, friends. just, thanks :')

Nadia Sabrina sayanggg, sorry sangat! lambat gila akak nak respon post awak pasal akak tu. tapi akak dah komen kan hik hik. ya Allah ni lagi sorang yang Kau buat baik sangat hati dia, sangkaan dia. akak segan baca. thank you so much love. dah berapa tahun dah since awak start baca blog akak, awak always support akak. always. walaupun orang lain tak peduli. awak selalu komen benda yang baik-baik, yang buat akak rasa ya Allah baiknya budak ni. awak selalu doa yang baik untuk akak, terharu tau tak. akak bukan sape-sape awak nak buat camtu untuk akak. dahlah nadia ni comel gilaaa geramnya haha k tetiba. sopan je, lembut je, baik je. orang macam awaklah, walaupun sikit, walaupun sorang, yang buat akak keep on blogging walaupun banyak kali rasa nak tinggal je Keretapi ni. orang yang baik dengan akak. orang yang faham apa akak blog about. orang yang akak dapat tolong, just by blogging. to me it means a lot :')

Nadia pipi merah (nama awak dalam phone akak HAHA) i hope we'll stay in touch, thank you so much :)

oh ada lagi satu perkara. 

ada la sorang ni. sibuk nak tau sangat blog aku sampai sanggup scroll dinding fesbuk aku. takut aku gossip pasal dia, katanya. sebab aku tau banyak, BANYAK PASAL DIA MUAHAHA. mr president ;) weh pasal hidup aku sendiri pun aku tak terblog kat sini, motif aku nak blog pasal hidup kau? tapi takpe. aku tak marah. melainkan kau jual blog aku pulak kat pencicip, haaa tu memang cari penyakit. kau tau aku boleh jadi garang kan, har har har.

dia kata tak nak baca dah blog aku sebab blog aku panjang berjela, pffft camni ke dak law hahaha. bagus ah, tak yah kau tau pasal hidup aku. tapi alang-alang dah tau pasal blog aku, mehlah aku cerita satu kejadian melibatkan dia. kau ingat aku blog pasal kau kan. haaa amik. tapi aku tak letak nama, aku kan baik. har har.

kami sama kelas islamic studies. awal kelas kitorang kena mengaji dulu. selama ni aku tak pernah kena lagi. tapi minggu ni is my, er, lucky week. aku kena baca. aku perasan dalam surah al-baqarah ada banyak perkataan yang berkaitan ngan nama dia, perkataan asal, perkataan berimbuhan. aku pun baca. bila sampai part aku tak cukup nafas, of cos lah aku berhenti.... tapi aku tak perasan aku akan berhenti kat nama dia. yang memang nama dia. perkataan nama dia. 

"eh," dia cakap masa aku berhenti tu. aku taktau kenapa tapi masa tu kelakar gila. aku taktaula orang perasan ke tak tapi masa aku sambung baca tu aku sendiri boleh dengar aku tahan gelak. terus tak fokus mengaji pastu. tu aku tak angkat kepala drpd quran, kalau aku pandang orang sebelah aku yang memang dah tahan gelak gila-gila sampai badan terhenjut-henjut bagai, ngan aku-aku sekali terbahak-bahak. ce bayangkan kalau kitorang dua AHAHAHHAHAAH masa tu, mesti semua orang cam waddaheeeeiil.

seharian kitorang HAHAHHAHAA berdua pasal tu tau tak.

baidewei. aku kalau mengaji ada ajnabi, aku segan. eh bukan ajnabi je, orang secara umumnya la. bila ada orang aku tak nak mengaji lembut, nyaring, berirama naik turun bagai. bukan pandai pun tapi bolehlah. adalah graf sikit. tapi kalau ada orang aku mengaji monotone je, cam malas je haha. tah pape kan, sesikit segan.

banyak benda yang buat aku segan sebenarnya, hmmm.

A Week of "I'm So Done"

Dear diary, hereby lies the most interesting weekly autobiography of the most interesting person ever lives, yours truly.

20/2:

day - a friend shared an experience, gave an advice, convinced me to do something about which i was reluctant. she kept me confident to have faith in Allah's suggested solutions.

21/2: 

night - something another friend said triggered something related to yesterday's counselling session which i wanted to forget. i cried. but then i laughed because i cried. girls are weird like that.

22/2: 

day - core maths made me laugh in acceptance and later depress in disappointment before i cooled down in distractions.

night - called my best friend, laughed. called my mom, cried. i practically knew every line she'd say about my core maths crisis but i still told her anyway.

"mama dah buat part mama, mama dah doa"

"tauuu. ma janganla cakap macamtu lagi down la"

"teruk sangat ke? kenapa, dulu tak camni pun"

"sebab dulu tak pernah teruk macam ni, ni paper paling teruk ayu maa"

"ayu kan selalu camni, tapi tak teruk pun. orang lain takut jugak tu cuma tak tunjuk je"

"tak, kalini memang taktau buat. bukan salah, tapi taktau. banyak tak buat pulak tu"

"biasala tu hidup kan ada naik turun"

"hmm."

"takyah fikir sangat."

23/2:

day - got my first flower ever. now there's one less lonely girl lol. so pardon the jakunness. it was given by a girl though. so technically i haven't gotten my first flower yet, if ya know what i mean. i love it though. thanks girls. i love girls. eh i mean, my girls.

night - mom called.

ma: dah ok?

me: ok je, kenapa ma tanya?

ma: yelaa semalam kan sedih je.

i love my mom.

24/2:

day - i was apparently oversold on a social networking site which i've already deactivated. even when i had my account i did not use my own name. but today my full name was chirped about. i did not remember signing up for any agency pencari jodoh. but it was not that bad since the last time it happened a different flock of birds were eating a rotten me. the advertisement was over the top though, i as the product felt ashamed to have been like the burgers on posters with a note below it "illustration only for the sole purpose of advertisement, don't be fooled".

then i saw a friend finding peace under the rain. apparently her drama was worse, she did not tell me about it but i could smell the salty tears and taste the broken bitterness. i offered her useless words of comfort.

night - another friend asked to see me in private. so in private means in public (outside the house). she did not say anything, asked to hug me, and cried on my shoulder. i let her be that way for a while before she let out what she's keeping inside. 

later, with other friends, i found out something. thus the continuation of my plot line, with some screaming and yelling as the dialogues. after i was done hyperventilating, i curled myself on the floor texting my best friend because i needed to tell someone my problem. the irony when just minutes before i texted a different friend, asking her if she needed to tell someone her problem. a teardrop or two hid behind my hair. it was not a kind of problems that could lead to suicide but it was still a problem i had to deal with so cut me some slack.

one minute somebody cries on my shoulder and the next i shed a tear. in one night i ask another somebody what's their problem and i have to deal with my own later. anybody else wanna join us?

when i was alone in the middle of the night, i cried. another mess was born from a mess i had led on. another heart was hurt because i waited. friends yelled at each other because i didn't stop earlier. it might seem small, but it affected us all. if being the cause of that doesn't make you sad, i wonder what does. 

at 1.30 am, i got a text. i went out of my house to see the sender waiting, crying. we cried together. then we hugged, laughed, talked. i stormed towards my house after she said she wouldn't hurt me by telling me if i hurt her and i was like you know what, i'm so done hurting people, i'm so done with everything - before i realized that's what i was doing too but because i know it hurts lah i don't want her to be hurt the same way - she pulled my hand and began to tear up, begging me and i told her to let it go shhh we're gonna wake the whole block up and after some time pulling i gave up and we cried together again. in silent we stared at the dark starless sky and the shadowy moon, as if if they had been twinkling and clear and bright, it would not be right for such an emotional night. at 3.30 am we parted, and only at 4.00 i slept, after i blogged.

it was a night of epiphanies. if i were more independent, in the sense that i do not need a listener or even a friend, none of this would have happened. i could just shut the eff up like i used to do all the time when i was younger, like i still do now about some taboo topics i've never even mentioned to anybody. it's just that i'm used to having someone to share about this kind of topics with. that's a mistake, as when you begin to open up to somebody, you can't stop from letting them in. with me, it's either you know just a little, or you know too much. i can't stop with Hazirah as she's too invested already, it's too late. and honestly i do need someone. and there's no better made of honour for her than me. but with others, it's still early. i don't want to bother, annoy and bore people. i might hurt somebody. they might not understand me. we all will feel guilty.

i can be independent again. there are skeletons i never reveal to anyone and they remain dusty in my closet. i can do that again. there's a satisfaction in suffering alone, and as suffering alone is a suffering itself, the satisfaction is doubled. if you live through it will a smile, a new level of satisfaction is unlocked. but i'm not used to being stress and smiling anymore and it takes its toll on people around me. another reason why.

Stress and smiling. Because nobody wants to know about your inner demons, your bad days, your emotional moments :) But i try not to be that nobody so you can always come to me :) :) :)

and you can hurt nobody

the friend who always needs to talk to me in private, the first time she did, i asked her why. i did not look like i was qualified for solutions, i thought she would prefer someone who looked more like her, in appearance. i thought we were different. she said something along the line she didn't even know why, but she felt she could trust me. i have the psychologist face, i guess. lol. she didn't tell that to anybody, and to have that being told to me, was priceless. we were not that close, but we spent about two hours talking about her life and eventually, a little about mine which i didn't tell just anybody. that was the start of our friendship. 

even more so when i asked her "sebab ni ke awak nak ambik psychology?" she answered yes, and i said "kita pun. biasanya siapa yang ambik psychology mesti ada personal reason." even more so when i learned that she was a person who kept everything bottled up inside with nobody to talk to, someone who refused to let friendships blossom for fear of falling apart, someone who rejected attachment for fear of detachment, someone who was a more chronic version of me, someone whom i now, after months later, want to be. for the same reasons she chose to be that way. 

as i pondered about this on the dramatic predawn of february 25th, i thought of her and how i told her how that's all rubbish - you can't survive on your own, it's the law of nature to grow closer before growing apart so just appreciate the good moments and learn from the bad experience, everybody needs somebody -  and i thought, wow, irony.

25/2:

this is what happens bila dak insomama teman dak insomnia

day - needless to say how i was in class the next morning.

night - i had to study for my statistics test. something related to yesterday's screaming session bothered me. the fact that i did not understand what i was studying bothered me even more. every single little thing led to another and it bothered me. i just sat at my study table biting my lips. i looked at my quran. i felt like if i were to stay for another second staring at it, i would chew off my lips. so i told my housemates i was going to go outside for a while, grab my shawl and my quran. the one step i took outside the door, tears streamed down my face. surrounded by darkness, i chose to sit on a bench under a lamp light. at first i couldn't even mengaji without being interrupted by my own sobbing sound so whenever i paused i just buried my head onto the quran and into my lap. when i could read again, my voice was trembling i hoped nobody was listening, but if they saw me they would have known i was breaking down anyway. i noticed at least two people did.

the stupidest part of it all was i had no idea what caused it. i cried for no reason at all, or for all reasons at once. but i frankly think i cried for nothing. it was not pms i tell ya. i just completed my cycle. so maybe it was just my iman being low at that moment, the pits of being a girl. boleh je dekatkan diri dengan Allah masa 'tak boleh' pun, but we often forget. pms is just a justification for girls' unstable emotions. all the time girls nak pms. before cycle la, in the middle of the cycle la, after cycle la. alasan. why do i sound sexist here.

later i told another different friend of mine about this, and she said "mungkin Allah rindu ama tu," shit. after i had regained my composure (stopped sobbing and start reading properly) and my tears had dried, it was 12.30 am. i would love to stay outside longer but i had a mission to take care of: study. at 1.00 am, what i studied before finally made sense after i had let out all the nonsense.

this was my favourite song way back then

26/2:

day - statistics was much better than core maths. i actually answered all questions and had time to check twice and the last one which others stuck at, i could answer it. i don't care if what i thought i did right turned out wrong, as long as at least i knew something. at least it was susah no 1. at least it was okaylah. the result? that's a different story. i tried my best and that's all that mattered.

night - i cried because something was bittersweet, so i was smiling at the same time.

27/2:

day - i got my core maths mark. i failed. i never failed in my life ever. i failed, but i was okay. my friend cried, but i did not. in fact when i found it out, i felt a huge relief even when there was nothing to be relieved about. i guess i was just glad to get it over with. i guess it was because i have been emo enough right after i answered my paper, so i was prepared for the result. i felt nothing at all, and it felt good.

for someone who once cried because she got B for add math, i am super cool when i got worse than that for core math this time. i only hope i would not get used to being this cool though. 

judge me by my success, judge my by my failure, judge me when i'm a winner, judge me when i'm a loser

28/2:

day -  while waiting for our turn for french reading test, a few of my classmates were engaged in a conversation... about my hand. a classmate holds my hand and said to the boys "rugi weh kau tak dapat pegang tangan ama," because my hands are... soft. IT'S GENETIC FOR GOD'S SAKE. i admit i'm not the most rajin anak dara, but my skin being not rough or so they say, is because of my genes. my mom, who has been a devoted housewife for 30 years, has hands even softer than mine and people still question her "tak buat kerja rumah eh," when that's all she ever does. both of us find it funny that people think our hands are soft, but it's not fun when we have to explain to every human being who touches our hands. that girl was fangirling over my hands, i just let her be because it's nice to have someone holding my hand klolwut. but it was awkward when my guy classmate was staring at my hand and like "naaak" and wanted to have my parent's' number and whatnot. just marry my hand, i said. i need to wear a hand purdah for this.

then there was economics test. it was okay... kot. i don't know. of course there's gotta be something wrong somewhere, but at least i knew i studied and i tried. after i was done with econs it was like a giant heavy rock rolled off my back, i felt free. but not when the next second i had to think about the preloved sale we would be having that night for earth night and that rock crushed me again. my brain was so done and my body was not ready.

night - the fact that there were too many preloved items and not too many customers to buy them for charity did not as much bother me as something else did. i was again bothered by the fact that i did not want to hurt people but i still had to and i thought i even offended my mr president even when he had texted me and called me saying it was okay and told me to stop feeling guilty i made him feel guilty too. in the end everything made my delicious Awwal burger seemed tasteless and my night even darker than the lightless hours. i always knew i had to do something i had been dreaded to do. but this time, i finally started it.

it always takes a wrong for you to see what's right, it always takes a dark night for you to see the light.

and i am so sorry, the light is not me. i made everything darker, i made the stars suffer.

1/3:

day - waking up feeling like crap for today's class as i was so damn tired about everything last night and only went to sleep at 2.00 am despite my insufficient sleep last two nights. i had IELTS speaking test trial. speaking test is all about luck. someone who's good in english might get a question which is rubbish. someone who's not so good might get one which is cool. it affects your performance. there are all kinds of questions - your favourite item, your hobby, choose an animal and freaking describe why, healthy lifestyle, haunted places, the most beautiful place in the country, the most romantic thing you ever did, is education more important for a guy or a girl, have you experienced deja vu, do you believe in spritual healing, do you prefer the ocean or the river which is your favourite and why, what website benefits you the most, etc. as you can see the questions get crappier. so i prayed to God to end my week with ease, please, make it something i could answer straightaway without having to make something up, make it something i had already known or thought about, something like an opinion or experience instead of facts and nonsense.

i waited for my turn for almost two hours, bless my name. i love Nurul though, i would never change it to Nur or even a single name starting with A. Nurul, the word itself sounds beautiful. it's just all my life my name has been one of the lasts. i ain't complaining, but my cramped bum does.

when i introduced myself to the invigilator, i mentioned my full name as i actually skipped somebody's turn as my cramped bum could no longer take it and that somebody just arrived, sooo. she asked me what could she call me. i said amalina, or ama. she asked me whether my name has any special meaning. i explained to her about cahaya, light. then i said "i actually googled my name, and it stated that amalina means 'lanjut usia'" with a rather confuse frown on my face, as to show her i was confuse with my own name.

little did i know that she was not having a small talk with me. i realized it was actually task 1 as she handed me a paper saying "here's your task 2, you're given one minute to prepare". i was like whudddddd. i freaking said lanjut usia! i thought you were interested in my name! LOL AMA SO MUCH LOL SO MUCH FACE PALM! slack gila. i would have said long lived or something had i known the test had started.

but all that went away the second i read my question: what makes you excited.

i did not need to take another second to know what does: HARRY POTTER.

so yes, for IELTS speaking test trial, i talked about Harry Potter. AFTER ALL THIS TIME? ALWAYS.

only one thing could go wrong when you get a topic you actually know what to talk about; you have so many things to say so you have no time to properly arrange the sequence in your suddenly jumbled and overloaded brain compartments, which in my case filled with data tagged 'hp4life'. i wanted to talk about everything within the limited minutes and it was hard for my part i tell ya. you might ramble irrelevant stuffs instead of talking in proper order. what to do? i got what makes me excited and even talking about HP makes me excited! she could see how passionate i was, i am sure. what i liked about her was she was warm and encouraging, so i did not feel lame talking about Harry Potter at 19 for IELTS. i felt proud instead.

before task 2 ended i talked about how i actually lent my best friend the last book, but she was like "it's too thick" maybe she was just not into harry potter and i accepted that fact. the invigilator asked me "but it does not affect your friendship?" i answered "it does not. but i was offended... for a day." she laughed. hehe.

my task 3 was "which one was more important? family or friends?"

ya Allah, thank you Lord. Alhamdulillah. *please make her forget about the lanjut usia thing though*

but the happiness ended as i returned to my college and was reminded of the fact that i wouldn't be going home this weekend. staying at akasia for two weeks in a row, especially weeks like this, takes its toll on me. i went to Mydin to buy unhealthy chips and junk food and instant noodles as i have no intention to go out this weekend, no matter how tempting Big Bad Wolf, KLCC UK Uni expo, Nugheen's Sunway Lagoon trip and Pojan's paintball game may be. i just want to stay in my cave with my food and the internet and only go out for water in the well. at least i have privacy this weekend, and i dig that.

night - while waiting for isyak i read quran. my roommate went back home so being alone, i closed my bedroom door (to the point my housemates thought i went home as well). while reading, i heard my door squeaked, but nothing more so i thought my housemates were just checking up on me. i kept on reading. after i was done, i put down the quran, turned around and saw a figure sitting besides my door smiling at me and i scrEAMED AND ROLLED ON THE FLOOR THE WHOLE HOUSE HEARD ME AND THEY LAUGHED AT ME AND I LAUGHED AT MYSELF FOR BEING FREAKED OUT FOR A SECOND BY NUGHEEN. gurl why didn't you tell me you were there the whole time?! nak tercabut jantungku tahu!

this is not good for my heart.


later that night - i had to do what had to be done. i'm so sorry.

this is not good for somebody's heart.

dear diary,

as you can see, it was one hell of a week (or two) for me. my brain, my body, my heart, my mind are all so done. i need to get away but i can't. all i can do is recharge myself by having lazy alone time, and only then i can function again. but dear diary, if i do not go back home next week, i might have to kill somebody.

love,

Keretapi.