Kemusykilan dalam Twilight Saga

i feel so hurt, in many ways. i dont know what the major pain is, but i'm sure something leads me to feel mad easily. something is wrong. and i dont know what. even if u correct me for my dumb mistake, i would take it as hurtful. i'm sorry, its not your fault, its mine, i would say.

okeh. tetiba nak tulis pasal twilight.

edward cullen skg dah jadi pujaan ramai perempuan, dok meleleh air liur kat wayang tu. kat situ je cukup ah, tapayah la excited sgt "mama mia! omg, hensem gila babi laa si robert tu! oh, bapak hensem, hensem hensem!! nak histeria aku tgk nih! awhhhh~".

jadi meluat tau.

yelaa. aku pon tau die hensem. tp, ckp sekali dua cukup. ni aku banyak mengusha myspace org skg, berapa juta kali ni agungkan mamat tu. dorg bukan actually minat kat twilight, tapi minat kan kehenseman hero die. pleaselaa. jadi tak suka tau?

ye panas mmg panas ape aku ckp ni, tp kalau korg bace betul2, korg maybe takkan terasa membuta tuli au. so, cuba reflect diri, tgk korg ni dah berperangai camne. kalau still rase korg ni ok, tayah terasa. or kalau nak senang sgt, tanye aku, aku ade ckp pasal korg ke?? haa conferm takkan ade salah paham.

kalau korg suka die sbb die hensem, takpe, fine. ni sampai nak pi habaq pi mai pi mai bwatpa?? aku pon minat edward kot, but the one that in the book, not the one the girls are freaking crazy about. memanglaa lumrah kite kaum hawa ni pantang tengok makhluk hensem mulalaa macam2 perangai timbul, tapi beragak ar kan. jgn la bagi nmpk mcm gedik sangat.

ckp pandang2 ah, nak puja pon tayah la menggeletis. aku dpt bayangkan kalau aku jmpe budak2 ni, mesti terlompat2 dorg nak story. hesh. tak salah. tapi beragak. da bape kali aku ulang ni. aku pon maybe tak sedar aku dah tergedik dlm meminati edward, so aku sorry. tapi aku rase aku pon kalah kalau nak compare ngn dorg ni.

and bersempena kegilaan budak2 perempuan kat twilight, aku ade ANOTHER THING TO CONDEMN; kat new moon, adela mentioned yg bella ni sort of 'immune to the vampires' abilities' ah.

kan bila die jmpe the volturi, yang aro tu ckp power dorg taboleh guna atas bella. mcm edward taboleh dgr ape bella fikir, yg aro ni taboleh nampak hidup bella, and jane taboleh baling bella mcm die baling edward. so mcm, vampire taboleh guna special abilities dorg ke atas bella kan. aro said it himself didnt he? i'm sure he did.

tapi yg musykilnya,
asal alice boleh nampak future bella?
asal jasper boleh tenangkan bella?
asal james boleh track bella?
asal ade plak power vampire yg boleh guna atas bella, ade yg tidak?
walhal si volturi tu dah ckp, bella was immune to other 'talents', tapi die tak immune kat alice, jasper and james? aku harap adela jawapan ni somewhere, maybe ni yg boleh jadi persoalan besar dlm twilight, drpd kesalahan kecik tapi annoying si stephenie.

somewhat i'm sure the answer is out there, mustahil org yg menulis tak perasan flaw die.

Saya Tak Suka Tuisyen.

aku dgn suspiciousnya text si nawanajibbb (qalaqalah) sebab dekat profile ms die tulis 'sibuk' berapa puluh kali tah, so without further buang masa aku text dile tanye ape yg die seboknya and demanded that she answer it truthfully.

pastu die reply

"yg tu dh berabad lah. kt tau ape awk fkr. kt bkn bz study. jgn risau. bahaha."

krg hasem pnya kawan. mana plak die tau kemusykilan aku ni berpunca drpd apa. memang. memang. memang. memang aku cuak kalau2 die study. aku mengaku! bukan die aje, aku akan cuak bila ade makhluk yg study. kalau aku tak study (alamatnya mundurla negara kite kalau semua org nak tunggu aku study).

wani dah study form three tapi aku tak sentuh pape pon. satu2nya bab form three yg aku dah agak expert ialah 'reproduction', science. die tuisyen. so agak reasonable lah kan bila org mcm aku yg malas nak tuisyen ni tak blaja pape lagi utk pmr. sebab aku tak pergi tuisyen, adela alasan kan.

kadang2 aku rase org yg pergi tuisyen ni berlaku tidak adil terhadap org yg tak pergi tuisyen. yelaa, dorg dpt pelajaran tambahan, org tak tuisyen tak dpt. haaa. mana la adil kan? patutnya blaja kat skola cukup. tak paham asal rajen sgt nak blaja bertambah2 ni. k fine nak tingkatkan kefahaman, tapi kenapa masa cuti? kenapaaa?


bukan semua org boleh pergi tuisyen. ade yg tak mampu, tahap ketersampaian rendah, ade yg tade transport, ade yg fobia kelas luar waktu persekolahan macam aku, manela tau?

sekarang ni aku tak tau nak tuisyen kat mana. and aku er, malas. sekolah lapan jam sehari beserta prep tu pun aku dah tak mampu nak tahan, ni plak tuisyen. alahai, penat kot.


budak tak pernah tuisyen. manela nak biase. upsr dulu pon yo-yo-o je nak tuisyen, tapi tak. sampai sekarang rimas bila fikir pasal hal tuisyen ni. kalau kawan2 aku jenis baik hati tak kedekut kertas soalan bocor nak kasi aku, takpela kalau aku tak tuisyen kan. ni kalau dorg yg jenis

"padan muka, malas sgt nak tuisyen, ngumpat aku lagi, tanak belanja aku, cubit aku, haa skg kau kecundangla pmr ni. muahahah!"


tapi aku tau, kawan2 aku semua baik2 belaka,
kan korg kan???? *battling eyelashes

skg ni mama tak habis habis

"tulaaa, kalau stay kat mrsm, tak payah mama pening fikir nak hantar tuisyen mane. masa blaja dah cukup, tak risau dah. kang result tak bagus mama gak kena. sape suruh kuar"

aikk. aku plak. ni suratan takdirla ma.


satu lg, ade kawan2 asrama, siap pergi tuisyen cuti2 sukaria ni. ish. sgt tak boleh jadi kerajinan dorg ni haaa. dah dok mrsm tu jgn ah gi tuisyen, ya allah.

tukar topik ya.

aku skg, due to the laziness to join any tuition class and to finish my never-ending-hw, i am learning another art of life; cooking. yesss you read it right, this anak dara haa, is going to cook! menurut pemerhatian abg2 aku yg tahap cipan cerewetnya, dorg dah puas hati dgn skill mengemas-tanpa-disuruh aku, so skg ade baiknya aku blaja masak.


bak kata mak aku
"a way to a man's heart is through his stomach"

huhu. mak aku kalau kat dapur tu mestila

"haaa, potong tu elok2, nnt tulaa yg mak mentua nak tgk, bukan muka ke saiz pinggang ke ape"

satu bnda best masuk dapur ngn mak aku ni, die mesti tetiba ckp pasal kawen. konon menaikkan semngat aku untuk memasakla, agak benar gak ah. yang boringnya, aku sorg je anak dara kat rumah tu. jadi boring tau masuk dapur. org laen yg ada adik beradik pompuan kat rumah, mesti seronok compete sape masak terer, baling2 tepung ke. aku sorang2 je.

sekarang aku plan nak masak benda yg aku suka dulu, bagi expert barula masak benda lain. so far yg aku pass; masak ikan goreng/keli masak sambal, ngn sambal belacan resipi turun temurun mak aku je. yg lain tu mesti mama kena "kurangkan!","letak lagi!","jgn kacau ingat tu dodol ke ape!", mesti ade yg salah.


takpe, learning takes time.

and, another news,
i am going
to
wear
spectacles!!!

prepare to meet the brand new specky amalina wohoo!!!

aku ni salu sgt pening n pedih mata, haru betul. tak sangka aku rabun. punahla harapan aku utk jadi pilot. angah dulu cita2 nak jadi pilot, dah serious dah ni, tetiba tak dpt sebab rabun. hua, gene ke ape aku ni nak rabun tetiba.

ingat lagi, kenangan di mrsm ~~

dulu aku dan si roommate bernama amirah, sering ah mcm

"huaa. aku nak pki speck ah. kau pon teringin? smart kan? jalan bawak buku, pakai speck, nmpk cam budak pandai je, budak mrsm, padahal HARAM!! {gelak terbahak2} tulah, mcm bangga kan pakai speck, konon bagus je. jom rabun nakk??"

memang bnda paling cool la konon time tu bagi aku dan die, tapi bnda paling bodoh skg bagi aku, si rabun ni. i wonder how her eyes are right now. hope they are more pitiful than mine, after all she's the one yg menyemarakkan lagi semangat gila aku ni. hah.

pastu dulu saje laa time nak buat kerja or bace novel en, kan ade tmpt sangkut utk lekat beg or baju or tudung or towel tu kan, kat situ aku sangkut torchlite, tadaaaa, startla aku hadap buku dalam bilik gelap bersuluhkan lampu kecil itu. konon brilliant la tu, nak rabun, nak pakai speck, nak bajet nmpk nerd.


skg aku yg merana pedih mata. hesh.

Angah Emonku Pulang Dari Kota

semalam angah dr new zealand yg balik malaysia sebulan je balik sarawak pulak di mana terdptnya kampung halaman isteri tercinta. tak semena mena aku rase sedih. nak nanges pulak. c'mon arh, dorg bukan nak balik nz utk 2 tahun before balik msia balik kan? yet. dorg just balik sarawak for two weeks, bila balik sini tinggal 8 hari utk dorg dok ngn kitorg then dorg akan balik new zealand utk 2 tahun before balik msia balik.

despite rase tidak selesa yg bertakung di dada whenever anak2nya speaking with a very thick accent, i'll be missing them like hell. its not everyday ok bila rumah aku penuh. bila ade nephew yg suka berak setiap kali lepas makan, bila ade niece yg still ckp sorg2 dlm english walaupon die dah 8 tahun, bila ade abg yg keluar rumah tak mandi sbb da biase mcm tu kat nz, bila ade kakak ipar yg cool dan aku rapat since aku lahir dan pandai masak, bila ade an extra family yg memporak perandakan rumah. tp mesti aku nanges bila dorg tade. dah terbiase agaknya dgn ketidakbiasaan ini. huaaa :((

nnt bila dorg tade
sape aku nak buli?
sape aku nak suruh amekkan air?
sape aku nak suruh bwk jln2?
sape aku nak suruh msk western sedap2?
sape nak amek buku aku then korek gigi guna cover die?
sape nak kentut dpn aku?
sape nak cukai suruh aku suap die?


its not everyday i dont feel lonely. its not everyday i have a hand of help to take me whenever i need to go. its not everyday life is like this. i'm missing them already.

raya aidiladha aritu, is the day SEMUA kitorg ade. dgn baby baru anak uda si ikmal sayang, dgn kakak ipar baru bini ateh yg gatal sgt nak kawen, semuaaa ade. semuaa pakai lawa2 pergi tgkp gambar kat kedai. no one was missing. my family is perfect again. i have a bad feeling whenever something good happens.

bila lg kitorg nak together2 camni? boleh ke? can we make it till next two years? after angah come home again? will there be another family picture where everyone is present?

babah as an exception i could handle, but please make our family permanently this way. just let us cherish the new born and my future husband, not moping over a. . stupid i cant even mouth it, let alone write it. not now, not in 20 years come.

not when i'm dangling here.

____________________________________________

i discovered albums of old pics yg angah bawak balik dr rumah lama die. its not like takde lgsg gambar lama kat rumah aku, sealmari lagi. tp tah asal, rase nak masukkan plak gambar2 ni dlm blog ni. and ceritalaa serba sedikit tentang sejarah gambar kan.

enjoy ;D

time ni angah nak nikah. kat LONDON tu, tempat kak ija study. angah study kat US. alasan kawen muda yg dorg ; sebab abg aku ade admirer dan kak ija saspen serta angah takot kak ija kena pinang org laen, dan mengelak kan maksiat. eceh. tgk sikit tarikh, time tu aku baru 3 tahun. tinggi takk?? dahh ckp.

mati aku kalau angah tau aku letak gambar ni kat blog. haha. dorg pon ade blogspot jugak, dah jgn gi report. ciuman pertama tu. indahnya perkahwinan. hihik.

welcome to my past. pergi mane2 je mesti beli mainan. kat rumah aku dulu, kat tepi rumah memang spot khas utk aku. ade satu meja panjang, atas tu memang dunia akula. ade mainan masak2, meja makan, barbie kecik2 yg boleh kencing dlm jamban love, dapur, blender yg mmg boleh guna, teko, cawan, donut, plastisin yg bole buat mee, semuaa ade tau tak!

memang susun baek utk aku. mak aku ta pnah simpan. petang2 nnt mesti ade cucu nenek sebelah ramai2 dtg main ngn aku. padahal dorg da besar. pastu mak aku kate mesti nnt aku masak2 konon2 buat mi dgn plastisin pastu kasi babah n mama rase. huhu, rindunya. nmpk tak bag pink tu?? bag tu lawaaa. first handbag aku, tp aku TERhilgkan time ikot mama beli ikan. sedihnyaaaa. beli kat US, tetiba ilang kat lembah keramat.

i miss those days bila abg2 aku kurus nak mati. sekarang, masyaallah. and rambut dorg pon panjang, bajet sejuk sgtla kat US tu. aku ingat ade satu hari ni, aku baru smp kat sana). time tu aku tido, tp aku dengar suara org ckp2 depan muke aku. ade org maen2 rambut aku. pastu aku dengar suare uda. time tu aku nak nages, sbb rindu sgt kot. then ade org kate

"die da bangunlaa"
"cube korek idung die"

so adela satu jari tu masuk idung aku pastu dorg gelak2. bila aku bukak mate je, aku terus nanges bila nmpk dorg tiga. rindunya masa2 dulu, haihhh.

time ni kitorg nak balik msia dah. aku sedih nak tinggalkan angah semua. mase aku kecik, diela plg sayang aku, jage aku. tp sekarang, harem. haha. dah bertahun aku tak jejak kaki kat sane, adeh sedihnya. mmg fairytale aku mase kecik je, mkn besar, mkn hilang semua yg best.

aku dan amer, anak sedara first, anak angah. kesian, diri pon kecik lg da ade anak sedare. isk isk. aku baru lima tahun. mak sedare muda la katekan.

anak sedare ke-2, anak angah gak. budak nila yg ckp sorg2 dlm english, accent terlebih. plg taboleh blah die ingat sape2 yg tak speaking cam die, tak phm english. tapi tape, ayu akan rindu korg walau camne menjengkelkan pon korg ni.

jgn tanye asal aku pakai inai. memang suka kot. skg je taboleh sbb nnt pengawas yg buat line tu tahan; kacau betul. tiga anak sedara, back then, skg ni nk masuk tujuh. masyaallah keturunan bapak aku ni, harap2 aku dapatla gene itu. muehehee

gambar mahal ni. mana lg nak tgk tudung aku camtu? ni time sukaneka tadika amal, 6 tahun. budak2 tudung camni pon nmpk comel kan? perasan. tp kalau aku skrg buat perangai camni, tak lalu nak tgk muka sendiri. huahua. ye betul, tu adek mosen tepi tu. mosen sesi pagi, aku n adek die sesi petang. dulu kitorg kawan tau, tah die ingat tak lg.

sekianlaa buat mase ini. terima kasih sudi menatap =)

Perasan dan Poyokah Aku?

baru habes ber-new moon semalam.

one thing i want so badly ; utk jacob black the jake i adore now tu mati dan menyebabkan bella sengsara berguling sedar akan kesalahan die.


friendship is the most precious gift in the world. unlike family although it is the best thing you can have (kpd siapa yg bertuah), friendship grows, its your choice to plant it or not. its your 'achievement'. when u pick u lover over your bestfriend, its your loss.



and, there's something confusing in twilight saga. pasal treaty tu. mcm berbelit bercanggah. i hope there is a clear explanation out there. nothing would ever be confusing in harry potter though. everything will have a brilliant explanation. the author doesnt have us strangled with the words, the answer will be given later and that's what made it the best.


kalau dlm harry potter, kite takkan perasan ape yg crucial tau. kadang2 ayat or perkataan yg kite ingat bnda biasa pon sebenarnya banyak rahsia. cerita atau fakta yg kite lepas pandang pon boleh jadi the key to all the answer. in harry potter, we dont know what to expect. everything was so. . . carefully done. good job jk rowling.

benda yang memang the most unlikely to happen sebenarnya tu lah yg terjadi. benda yg kite rase mengarut, benda yg konon kite confirm tak boleh jadi, tu lah yg terjadi. benda yg memang mustahil, tp jk rowling buat bnda mustahil tu jd reasonable. macam everything happens for a reason, nothing is impossible in her world.

and even kadang bnda yg memang dah tercotok depan mata tu, bnda tula yg essential.
we sometimes refuse to believe, we say 'it wont be because it is too obvious, she wont make it that easy for us to figure out'. tapi tak semua nya predictable. bila bnda tu dah tersurat, kite nak jugak cr yg tersirat, tapaayh korek dalam2, jk rowling dah letak atas tu.

that's why i loveee harry potter. full ofquestions to be answered and mysteries to be cleared and secrets to be revealed. kadang2 je jalan cerita tu semua org tau semua bnda, semua yg terjadi. selalu sgt ade gap, but then at last the gap is filled with the best of the choice. how i envy how her brain works. how she can create a whole new, undiscovered world without any confusion. how she can create a story as so good no words can describe as harry potter.

geez i'm an addict.

___________________________________

pagi ni aku mimpi. aku mimpi secara tiba2 ade banyak budak maktab aku kat sekolah aku. ni kali kedua oh. tp mimpi yg ni, ramai gila bdk maktab aku. diorg buat line nak masuk dewan for something, tp aku still boleh namekan dorg. i didnt forget even a soul.

but some of them didnt wear tudung, i wonder why. and some of them even wore skimpy2 semua, i wonder why. maybe tu sebenarnya symbolic kpd keadaan maktab skrg, drpd ape aku dengar, maktab serting dulu sgt laen ngn sekarang. thank god i've already got my butt out of there.

then i saw fasha, she didnt wear tudung too and she wore a baby tee :((
that time i was so shocked that i could met her again, i thought i only mouth 'fasha amanda' but apparently she heard me. she saw me too, her face was somewhat like she was scared or stunned. but as soon as i took the first step towards her, she ran. die terus lari drpd aku. aku kejar die, jerit nama die, tp die still lari. aku suruh die tunggu tp die lari. i think i remember i was sobbing at that time, when she could no longer be seen and i was exhausted from running.

she didint come back.

i wonder what it meant.

kat budak2 maktab tu, taktau kenapa i wanted to stay hidden. aku taknak jmpe dorg. but at the same time aku nak peluk dorg. time tu dorg nak balik, naek bas, and as the bus drove away,
i started running to catch up with it. but it was useless.

i was left behind.

again.

_________________________________

ade la sorg kawan ni bgtau, just recently, pasal masa aku baru masuk krk dulu2,
after aku kuar mrsm, budak2 pompuan tak suke aku. dorg ckp aku arrogant.
and naseblah si sumber tu, sebab die yg ckp die yg tiba2 terkena tempias amarah aku.


si sumber ckp budak2 pompuan ckp aku arrogant sebab aku salu ckp pasal mrsm.

. . .

wattefish man??!!!!

aku. arrogant. pasal. aku. salu. ckp. psl. mrsm. nak mengutuk aku kat budak laen pon please have a better and more believable reason.

FIRST,
aku hanya akan berperangai sebegini bila korg tak confront ckp elok2 depan2 dan sebaliknya ckp bnda2 tu kat belakang sekaligus membuka cerita kpd pihak yg tidak berpendapat aku berperangai seperti kata2 korg. itu maksudnya korg dah mempengaruhi seseorg utk berprasangka yg sama terhadap aku, dan kalau korg sedar la kan, korg da dpt dosa bonus tau tak.

tp sekarang aku nak ckp betapa tidak gemarnya aku terhadap org yg berckp belakang pasal aku tetapi berckp baik depan aku. aku tau, korg mungkin taknak ckp depan2 sebab korg takut aku marah, tapi hakikatnya kelukaan itu kurang dan mudah sembuh jika ditegur depan2. takpela, at least kalau korg bersatu padu menegur aku secara baik,
aku mungkin dapat reflect diri dan sedar kesalahan aku, betterkan drpd aktiviti grouping meluahkan perasaan tanpa pengetahuan aku??

jgn fikir negatif, neutralkanlaa perasaan tu. tak susah weh. aku boleh ajar camne taknak bnci org. cube fikir baek. and cubelaa jgn hebohkan ketidaksukaan korg tu kat sape2, aku tau perasaan taksuka tu takleh lenyapkan secepat mungkin, tp jgnlaa hebohkan. nak luahkan perasaan pon jgnlaa ajak ramai2. ni sampai nak ajak kaum adam meluahkan perasaan sekali ape kess?

ni namanya mengumpat.

sorry ATAS KEKASARAN BAHASA, tp korg kena faham.
aku salu berlembut ngn org. biasenya org buat ape kat aku pon aku diam je, aku buat2 taktau wp aku tau. aku senyum je kat dorg.

sekarang tibala masa utk aku membentangkan hujah aku.

korg mesti pernah rase rindu kat 'the old days' kan? terutama sekolah rendah, ahh kenangan yg tak dpt dilupakan kann? sure korg salu terkenang2, teringat2, kalau cam aku, aku pnah nanges ingat semua memori best kat sklk.

aku rindu maktab aku. even 6 bulan je kat sane, tp aku dok 24 jam tau. tau korg sme pandai, cube darab dgn 6 bulan. dpt tak walau 11 bulan kat skola harian? sudahh. aku pon tatau, tade maase aku nak bermath pulak cuti2 ni. tapi dok asrama byk kenangan tau, bykk nak cerita. gembira dan sedih. aku cuma nak luahkan perasaan.

aku nak korg paham je ape aku da rase. aku nak korg paham, tu jee. jgnla ckp aku bongkak bila aku cerita pasal mrsm. ya allah, jauh sekali. kau ingat aku bangga sgt ke dok mrsm? bangga ngn ape jd kat aku? aku da dok sane, aku tau ape yg patut dibanggakan, apa yg tak patut dibanggakan. aku just nak luahkan. tautakk camne aku rindu kat mrsm? tau tak berapa banyak kali aku mimpi mrsm? tau tak perasaan aku?

korg tu perempuan. sebab nilaa mase skola rendah tu aku banyak kawan laki. lepak ngn laki, balik ngn laki. mak aku pon tau. dah korg jgn nak buat cerita baru pasal aku berkenaan statement ni. sebab kalau aku luahkan perasaan kat laki, dorg tak pk sgt. angguk2 je. takpe, walaupon mcm ckp ngn robot. at least dorg manusia.

manusia yg tak pk bukan2. tp perempuan? bukan smua, tp mst ade satu mulut yg tak berapa nak blah ni.

aku bukan tak sedar, aku sedar. bila aku start ckp psl mrsm je, dorg pandang semcm. its in their eyes tau, like i couldnt see that. and i would abruptly stopped. sebab nak senangkan hati dorg. hesh. aku tau dorg tak ske aku buat cmtu. even ade yg bila aku bukak mulut psl mrsm je, mesti ckp smtg like "ahh dah dah". siap ade yg menshoohhs kan aku lg tuuu.

ya allah. aku agak terkecik atila. tp aku senyapkan aje. banyakk kali kalau aku tau ape org ckp psl aku, aku takkan buat muka sedih depan2, aku buat mcm biase. dorg pon taktau yg dorg da terlepas ckp. tp bila aku buat mcm biase dan tak confront tu, aku takdela brainwash sape2 plak.
kebanyakannya aku diamkan aje, taklaa buat satu support group bercerita psl pihak tu.

org ckp aku emo kot bebel panjang camni. tp agaknya aku da lama sabarla. da lama neutralkan segala perasaan aku. at least aku tak tembak direct kan. aku pon tak ske bila ade sape2 terasa bace post ni, aku tak ske org kecik ati ngn aku. nnt aku lak rase bersalah lelebih. bila da terasa mulalaa bermasam muka, mcm2 masalah pulak nnt.

blog ni bukan medan nak tembak sape2, tapi lebih kpd luahan aku sendiri.

jacob black, u gave me a new moon ;D

i AM crying, again for the sake of twilght saga. this time for new moon. wp dah lame ade new moon, tp terima kasihla kpd homework yg berguni, aku still tak dpt habeskan new moon. but somehow new moon has been an inspiration to finish the never-ending-homework. and now i'm almost to the end.

yes, ALMOST. tak habes lagi pon. sekarang tgh stop dekat the last word of the chapter THE FUNERAL, and that's why i'm crying. already even i havent finish the book. when i first have my hand on new moon, when i read each new chapter and the development, my fingers were aching to dance on this keyboard, and my mind had unloaded an unstoppable thoughts. my perception could not be held longer.

okay, first of all things in my mind that i manage to make it clear is that, bella's reaction towards losing edward. believe it or not, i would do the same thing too. i did the same thing to. i mean all the numbness and go on with live so routinely until you appear to be a robot. been there done that. sometimes people think i take something small seriously, but feel nothing about the big one. well what they actually see is myself trying to be empty.

because for me the less we think about it the less pain we'll feel. rather than moping around mourning over your fate, its better to swipe all the thoughts, let it perished in the loneliness. its still there, but locked firmly. but of course, as much as it helps for me to forget the pain and thus to forget everything, it didnt do any help to bella. beyond the numbness edward was still under the blanket. after all she's the one who was in love with the irresistible vampire. we are the girls who choose not to mope around.

second, bella's unawareness that made me screaming towards the books crazily. for god's sake. she's the one in there, she's the one saw that, she's the one heard that. but why do i feel that i actually understand better and quicker? all in her mind was the handsome feature of He Who Must Not Be Named till she overlooked the essential facts. geez, the moment i heard about this sam uley gang, and the abnormal growth of the quileute boys, and the gang jacob was absorbed in, how their steps seemed to take and how they look alike, almost like brothers, if i noticed all that, nevermind the incident in the meadow where they were five huge wolves lining against laurent the bad vampire.

why didnt she see what was really happening to jacob black the one i adore now? he's turning into a werewolfwhy did it take so long for her to put it together? stepehie meyer, u might as well let me be the new bella. haha. she heard it, she knew about the quileute legend, about they descended from wolves, and the werewolves blood ran in them. i cant believe she actually took note of the part on the cold ones and didnt bother on the legend that werewolves and vampires were enemies.

it all made perfect sense. the way the cullens and the blacks look at each other, the way they distaste each other. and when the wolves in the meadow hunted down laurent, i knew it could not been clearer.

actually, i am sure i knew it when i was reading twilight, when i was reading the chapter nightmare. the one nightmare bella had after hearing the tribe myths from jacob. in her dream there was jacob holding back bella from the sunlight when later she would find edward, jacob was asking her to run and suddenly there was no jacob, the was a huge furry creature.

at that instance i knew it was a werewolf, and it was jacob. clearly stated that jacob's ancestors were werewolves. and the dream was such a symbolic to what's happening; jacob the werewolf who detested vampires begged bella to not take further steps, and edward the vampire who detested the werewolves encouraged bella to do so. she was trapped. and i knew all along what it means, thank goodness.

and the flame bella thought she saw in the black cold water, i bet it was actually victoria. like what the sweet jake i adore now said, victoria was swimming back to la push. and it was obvious i dont think anyone else would be as oblivious as bella was. the flame was her hair. whoaa. that was so close to a combat, wasnt it.

third; the werewolves and the vampires had some similarities it bored me.


1. the hero
edward and jacob. both were the ones who was 'chosen' kind of thingy. edward's speed was unbeliavable. jacob was almost the strongest and biggest although barely became a werewolf in less than a fortnight. it was very cleared that they were both special. both were goodlooking, though u can never compare a human-just-turning-into-werewolf's attractiveness next to a vampire's, it is not fair. and most cliche thing is, they were both into bella, actually more than the 'into' word itself, and that's what made them 'the heros' at first place.

2. the mastermind
carlisle and sam uley. both had to struggle to find themselves in the new situation when they first discovered it (being a vampire and a werewolf). both had no help at all, no support and guidance, unlike the other cullens and the young werewolves. each helped jacob and edward to live again, help them not to lose themselves. help them became a human again though they are literally not.

they were the leaders of the gang and the pack, the head of the families. they made a new change, a new era to werewolves and vampires; werewolves instead of hunting human, this pack led by sam hunted bad vampires and made sure people were safe in bed whereas the vampires led by carlisle hold their appetite, stick to the strict diet that is not their norm of life, only drinking animal's blood for living. they both brought a change lar.

3. the families
the cullens and the .. er.. werewolves. both actually were not related at all, no matter what the surnames say on the cullens' IDs. both were brought together because of their beings, and because of the masterminds' urge to help their kind. both were extremely abnormal as they were not namely human, but they were human enough in the house where they fought about stupid things, bet about who's gonna be wounded, when they picked on each other and baked cookies and felt love.

4. the mom
esme and emily. though one was a vampire and one was not even close to werewolf, only human, they were in the same boat. they were both afraid of the things the kids were faced with, they wre both loaded with love. and they were both resembled a mother in every way.

5. the siblings
in both families, there were the ones that was bad tempered, prone to fight and argue like paul and rosalie. both were not as approving as the others were when they first knew bella was revealed to their dark secret. although jared and embry were more playful and fun and stupidly funny than emmet and jasper and alice, but they worth belonged in the same category.

6. the situation
both families had a secret to keep. if people know what they were, no doubt trouble would take places. they both couldnt escape their destiny, and were forced to not be a human. to be something else that gave pain to handle. to be different. and they both had to help bella, to give her as much time for her to keep living. they both were bella's guards, fairly speaking. gosh how lucky that girl was. and many other similarities that i appear to forgot. haih.

asal la pulak semua kena lebih kurang same? mcm stephenie meyer only mirrored the young werewolves to the cullens to give them their remark. the both familes were really alike. memangla aku taknak kalau die buat the werewolves tu jahat, aku tak sggp nak tgk the sweet jake i adore now tu jd jahat. but still. . something is wrong somewhere. tapi takpela kan. maybe aku yg terobserved lelebih. perfectionist la katekan. muehehhe.

forth is my new develop feeling for jacob black the jake i dore now.
i adore jake black. that's it. the moment i read about the stupid (wahh, stupid dah sekarang, dulu bukan maen lg) edward wanted to suicide because he thought bella was dead, i was so furious i actually cried (another thing bella and i have in common; the urge to cry if we feel mad, the no-words-could-describe mad). things were getting so fine but then the stupid edward screwed everything. bella actually thought she and jake were more than friends, and she actually felt that its okay to kiss jake! that stupid moment had ruined all the possibilities to make jake's dream came true. he deserved it. he had been waiting for too long and he never gave up.


i'm this one girl who doesnt believe in fairytales. edward is close to fairytale for me. perfect, yeah no doubt there will be any person like that on earth. but jacob was not a fairytale. yeah he was, more to a myth than a fairytale, but that was when he was a huge furry werewolf. all in all the possiblity of a jacob to actually live on this planet when i'm still breathing is more likely to make me happy and it is soothing. u see, edward is too good to be true stock. u might say "bace jela tapayahla compare ngn dunia sebenar" but i have to. i have to mark what i love is actually real or not. or else i will be dreaming for the unreachable.

edward was attracted to bella at first because of her scent, and bella was attracted to edward at first because he's irresistible feature. they were drawn to each other by that thing i consider temporary (not for them of course as aging is not edward's thing and i believe one's blood wont change its scent and that can be applied to bella). but c'mon, they were drawn by physical things i supposed, before they met each other's heart (poyo ayat).

whereas what bella and jake had was a perfect relationship, perfect friendship. they were bestfriends. u know kan how i was obsessed with bestfriends-turn-into-lovers. they knew each other more than anyone. paling terbaek, edward could read people's mind except bella, but jake who couldnt read human's mind could understand bella too well. only based on his observation, he knew things bella never mentioned. now that adds sugar into my jake. and unlike edward who was in love with bella when he was a vampire, jake was in love with bella since he was a normal perfect human being. the feeling is real, not for any sense of anything. he was a human when he fell for her, that DOES make a difference.

bella didnt know what she exactly felt. she knew her feelings for jake could not reach the level when she was with edward, she knew that she didnt feel the same way jake did. but at the same time, she wanted jake to fight for her, not to give up and leave her. she wanted jake to love her when she actually didnt feel that way to jake, maybe it was developing, but that was were the problem is; it WAS DEVELOPING.

she wasnt there, but she wanted jake to always be there, with her or without her.
i can say i know what she was feeling though. so her rejection towards jake is somehow acceptable. because i think that's the only thing i can feel now,
at least i think so.

jake black was really sweet, he was the kind of guy i wish to befriend. listen carefully, i repeat, the kind of guy i wish to befriend, nothing more intended. aku kan takde perasaan kot kat manusia sebenar, aku suka watak fiction je. when the door is almost fully open for bella to come to her sense, that edward buat hal. time tu jugaklaa nak jadi romeo. aku nanges sikit tadi mase baca (dgn penuh mendalam) bila jake beg bella, jgn pergi semua tu. masa mata jake berair. whoaa. laki nanges tu. 50 points for each teardrop.

jake knew at that precise moment that the dream he yearned for was vanished. bella did it; came to the rescue for edward, and he was left alone as a bestfriend.

Gimme Some Comments

blogging has become an addiction. till now, every so often i'll have to remind myself that my life is not dedicated only for blogging. so, as the result, banyak pos yg tertunda. dan memang akan di poslah, insyaallah.

1. about couple (memang akan jd panjang. berdasarkan agama n opinion aku sendiri.)
2. about bahasa melayu (yes u read it right)
3. about budak2 'cool' zaman skrg
4. about zaman dulu2 (insyaallah akan disertakan a set of old pic of mine)
5. about my unreachable and unlikely-to-happen hope and dream.

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ok. i always find beautiful and remarkable quote or saying in my reading that i hope can be said to me. entah kenapa. terlalu mengharap?? takk aku tak suka berharap. it will just do the killing more. terlalu mengimpikan yg mustahil walaupon mengetahui hal tersebut begitu jauh panggang dr api dan beranggapan 'it doesnt hurt to dream'? mungkin.

yg paling aku ingat mungkin sebab baru je bace, is from twilight. i wont run for the "so the lion falls for the lamb" kind of thing. u only fool yourself if u find that 'sweet'. i find that sweet too, but i never cross the line that distinguish what is reality and fantasy.

the one that is remarkable is this line that edward said to bella;

"how old are you, bella?"

and that is just so enough for me.

please read it metaphorically, not literally.
edward saw bella, read it METAPHORICALLY again. he saw bella and how did she think, although he never 'read' her. edward saw that bella's unwrinkled face doesnt show her maturity. that bella is too young for the way she thought, for what she did. that she was actually an adult in heart.

i wish the same thing is said to me. really. it is just enough for one to see right through me, exactly me. that one can actually listen to what one hear about the things i said. not only swallows it. and take it, literally.

that one can realize it all, the way edward did when he heard bella talking casually about her mom. it will convince me that i actually have something more, rather than what i appear to be, and that i can say i'm different. but i'm not. the things in me are the same things in everyone, only i'm too fool to think it otherwise. pity.

he didnt actually heard, he listened.

and in heroes, when sylar sliced claire's (my nephew thinks i look like claire, fuaa) head and examined her brain to know how actually it worked for her to regenarate, he found something else. he found the kindness and goodness of claire and her real power that she didnt discover it yet. i wonder what the power might be, wheather it is literally ir metaphorically. maybe he knew what can claire do, or he knew how far and deep can claire feel. and i believe knowing how claire's brain work is one of the factor why sylar turned to a sweet angel now. he said to her

"you are special, claire"

dont read it as it is, read it as what it hides. he's not talking about claire's ability, nor that he's in love with her that he said such thing, but because now he knew how a brain works, like really knew it; how it feels, how it thinks. he had discovered a part of brain where it doesnt only hold the truth of the special ability, but also the truth of the person herself.

i just want that. so far the things that people had said that i found sincere enough are
"aku rase kau best" drpd seorg kawan
"kau special ape" seorg kawan lg

and plg kelakar tp aku sukaa;

syafiqah's mom, she saw my face only once and said something like this

"i can see the determination on her face"

she said that to syafiqah. haha. and syafiqah quoted that to me. time tu aku gelak gila gilaa kot.
determination? on this face? aku rase muke aku mcm blur je. tp mmg menghargailah ckp auntie tu. maybe she sees me first, when i can not see myself properly.

ceh.

Bukit Antarabangsa Hampir Tak Jadi Bukit Dah

pagi ni sekali lg terjadi tragedi kat bukit antarabangsa an. dasat dasat. 4 dah ditemui meninggal. lets just hope miracle will change the others' destiny. dulu dah jd dah, tragedi highland tower tu, kat bukit antarabangsa jugak. kan highland tower nya kes dulu dasat gila. aku pelikla asal ade lg manusia nak duduk berdekatan ngn bukit antarabangsa tu. asal? sebab tempat tu konon classy? hah skg dorg plak yg kena timbus. kesiann
ambekla pengajaran kalau ye pon, crlah land yg flat, kite pon sekian lama dah blaja kat geografi, mana bentuk muka bumi yg sesuai utk petempatan kan.

ni semua manusia jugak punye pasal. alam dah marah la tu. negara kite ni dok sebok ngn pembangunan sini sana, merata2 ade je bangunan naek sekelip mata. sedarlah, kite ni dah cukup maju dah. bersyukur la. jgn tiru negara org, berlumba2 nak menang tp yg asas nya buat tak kesah je. bencana alam ni, semua nak ingatkan manusia.

sape nak disalahkan? kerajaan? hah pikir la sendiri.

kalau dgr berita betul2, landslide kali ni disebabkan air dlm tanah yg takde ruang dah menolak2. utk dpt ruang lebih. maknanya? kawasan tadahan hujan, patutnya tempat air yg semulajadi dah takde. dah diganti dgn bangunan besi yg bawak mcm2 masalah. agak kecewa lah kan, kadang2 sebab sikap segelintir manusia, manusia laen yg innocent turut menjadi mangsa.


semua sebab salah manusia. insafla. kau nak buat mcmane lg ngn negara, dunia ni? nak bg mcm cerita doremon abad ke 22? semua kereta boleh terbang? org pki baju getah?? sejak skola rendah lg kite dah blaja, pasal pencemaran, ketidak seimbangan alam la ape la. tp bila tgk dunia luar, ade pemimpin kite fikir pasal tu? kat otak dorg nak duet je.

maaf maaf. teremo. bukan selalu aku ckp pasal masalah negara ni kat blog. terkeluarla semua.
memang aku minat pasal bnda2 ni. tp kang terkeluar semua fakta segala, dah kena hempuk lak nnt. so baek berjaga2 dlm berkata2.

ok ape yg kite boleh buat skg.
tolong berdoa la utk org2 kat B.A tu.
harini hari dorg, kot2 esok hari kite kan.

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baru2 ni aku salu mimpi. jarang tido yg tak bermimpi sekarang. so agak menghiburkanla.
and mimpi mmg best. aku tak setuju ngn kata2

"alaa dlm mimpi buat ape. . ."

hoi. kau pernah mimpi ke ape aku mimpi? at least bila kite mimpi dptla jugak kite merasa kan. kalau nak tunggu jd realiti tah bila plak la. mimpi aku skg yg mcm pelik2. tp best.

tp pg td aku mimpila pasal satu bnda yg aku kne buat ni. before aku buat tu, dlm mimpila, aku rase tak sedap hati dgt. risauuu sgt. tak pnah rase mcm tu dlm dunia sebenar. ni bukan setakat risau2 takot kejadian yg tak diingini berlaku tau. ni risau yg kau rase mmg ajal kau dah dekat. mcm tu la aku risau.

aku mimpi before aku pergi buat bnda tu, aku peluk mama semua. tp aku xnanges. aku just sangat risau, dlm hidup aku yg memang penuh dgn kerisauan ni pon aku tak pnah risau mcm tu. memang mcm betol. memang aku rase mcm masa aku da smp betol2. aku tak perasaan pon aku mimpi. tak pnah rase mcm tu.

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recently kerja aku kalau on, aku akan bukak satu web ni. dekat situ memang byk ckp pasal agama. and of courselah categori forum yg plg banyak aku bukak ialah berkaitan couple, dan perasaan. setiap forum tu aku bace. so kiranya adela jugak ilmu utk aku sangkal or sokong pape berkaitan couple ni. tapi memangla, thp kealiman org2 kat web tu tiada tandingannya. aku ni da la org biase, bukak web tu nak bace serba sedikit tentang agama, tp perlakuan ahli2 web yg laen buat aku tertekan di jiwa.

aku ingat lagi mase aku kat mrsm, aku selalu plan nak join usrah. or PERPIM. PERPIM ni nama panjangnya persatuan pelajar islam maktab. mula2 memang aku benci, tahap alim yg melampau sampai mak aku pon kate tayah ikot. kang sekejap je alim aku, sbb tensyen tros jd liar plak kang.
tp- lama2 tanpa dipaksa aku berminat. aku nak join akak2 perpim ni, nak dengar usrah semua.

masalahnya dorg semua ni hijab memang labuh gilala menutupui seluruh badan. handsock mesti pakai. menundukkan pandangan, tak berkawan ngn laki. padahal aku pulak sgt tak mcm tu. so aku takut kena paksa jd mcm tu bila aku dah join dorg.

satu bnda org patut tau tentang aku;
JGN PAKSA AKU BUAT BNDA W/P KE ARAH KEBAIKAN. CAKAP ELOK2, JGN CKP NGN MUKA YG MENDATANGKAN MELUAT.
sebab aku jenis senang nak ikot, so kau tak paksa pon takpe. tp bila kau dah selalu sgt kasi ceramah itu ini, paksa2, bebel2, marah2 smp aku stress, memang susahla aku nak dengar ckp.

aku jd baek kat mrsm ni pon bkn sbb kena paksa. bila kena marah aku buat donno je. tp lama2 the words would sink in.

akak2 usrah ni garang. dan rase pelikla kalau aku join tp tak bersikap mcm dorg. so aku pon tak penah join usrah lagi, atau perpim, atau rakan al huda. ade budak2 batch aku yg perangai pelik2 pon masuk rakan al huda, akak2 suka padahal mcm org taktau je perangai dorg. aku la antara 4 org drpd seluruh budak pompuan batch aku yg tak masuk rakan al huda tu. mcm hina dan jahat je bila aku tak join persatuan agama. akak2 pon mula la pndg slack.

tulaa dorg. dorg tak tauuu kebenarannya.

ok aku dah byk bebel.
laen kali sambung. tataaa~