The Truth From A Liar

i am seriously good at lying. heck, i WIN at lying. it's not something to be proud of, nor it's something that i'm supposed to let people know. it's something to be ashamed of, and i am.

but it's the truth, one of a few i tell.

lying, pretending, or doing anything to keep people from knowing something, has become my second nature. i think because this terrible talent developed from my childhood, a stage of my life when there were so many matters to be kept hidden in the closet. when i was a little child, i learned to lie.

it gets better over time, it is evident now that when i don't speak the truth, it's so natural, it needs no effort, it needs no sweating, it needs no moment of hesitance which can lead to a series of doubts.

thankfully, i don't misuse this horrible habit. well, not all the time, very rarely for personal interests and as far as i can recall, never for bad intentions.

now as i'm getting older, i find it's easier to pour my heart out. this blog for instance. when i was younger, god, talking about anything deep or serious was an alien to me. sure i talked much, i had loud friends in primary school, we created havoc, we liked to seek attention, but never did i really speak of my secrets. not even crush secrets, never mind the big ones.

now, there are friends who know what had happened in my life. they don't know everything, but at least they get a glimpse. sometimes i didn't mean to tell them anything, but it just came out.

like a couple of days ago, we were in the class talking about random craps before a friend started to talk about her issue, followed by another friend, and in the end, i let it out too. just the tip of the iceberg. Step by Wicked Step session we had.

when a friend learned that i had it bad when i was in primary school, and how bad it was, she was shocked. she said i didn't seem to be a troubled kid. when actually, it was sort of the worst time in my life. but i laughed and lived like it was the best. and it was indeed, in a way.

don't worry, my life is normal now, hahah.

if you ask me who i used to like in primary school, i can openly answer the question. i'm not embarrassed, in fact i laugh at how funny it was. how could i have liked them that much? and the things i did, oh the things i did. how i kept a diary and wrote a letter. . . pfft what an idiot. i confessed to some of them that i had a crush on them like, about 5 years back, and they were surprised to know. i was, and still am, so good at hiding my feelings.

i'm good at hiding things. if i want to. if i really want to, even a secret so big, you wouldn't know. if you know something, by looking at me or listening to what i say or reading what i type, even though it may not be obvious and it confuses you, makes you wonder the meaning behind it, just assume i purposely drop the hints. because i want you to know.

it might look accidental, but it's just how i want it to seem to be. i want people to think they know something that i don't want them to know, because i don't want to let them know i want them to know. get it?

that being said, don't ever think the above paragraph is applicable all the time. meaning, don't expect "oh, she's acting this way, i think i get it that she's sending a message. i think i know what it means, i think she purposely does it because she wants me to understand her, without really telling me what it's about. i get her". no no no.

there's never a rule for anything. there's never an exception. there's only what happens. and what happens, you don't really know. don't think you can read me because you read my blog. i can always fool you to thinking that misleading monologue, because i can fool anybody.






but one thing for sure, i can't fool me.

cause i know myself better.

and knowing something but having no ability to lie to yourself, it sucks.