1. Aku rasa aku ada banyak untuk tunjuk, untuk buktikan, untuk cuba, untuk dicabar. tapi, how can i spread my wings in this awfully hollow tunnel? tunnel so long, i cant even see the tiny light. as though the tunnel goes to no end, and my wings rot to ashes, a glow they never have.
2. Sekarang aku macam takda kawan yang betul-betul kawan. aku ikut orang for the sake of not being left out. aku cari topik bodoh untuk bersembang, for the sake of not being silent and lonely. aku berkawan dengan orang, for the sake of having companion. bukannya sebab aku pilih, sebab aku nak, sebab aku suka, sebab aku sayang, sebab sejiwa.
3. sekarang aku dikelilingi kawan-kawan yang tak paham apa aku cakap. kalau dengan mereka dulu, kitorg boleh habiskan satu hari bersembang dan bergosip. kitorg menyampah tengok orang menggeletik bercinta, tapi kitorg masih cakap pasal laki. kitorg cakap pasal kejayaan, tapi masih berangan untuk kahwin dengan orang kaya. kitorg cakap pasal masalah sosial, tapi masih berharap kitorang tak mandul seraya dapat beranak nanti. kitorang pelik, dan lepas diorang pergi, takda sapa yang dapat berkongsi kepelikan itu dengan aku lagi.
4. I begin to text messages only to be saved in drafts. at least i have a reason to open the messaging folder, though there's no messages as always to wait for. i begin to text to myself, sharing things with myself, befriending with myself. i have become insane.
5. I have to lie to my 'recent' friends because they dont know the real me. i find its hard to explain, so i lie. i forget how i opened up to my 'previous' friends. a couple of them knew too much, i dont know how i even ended up telling them those secrets of a lifetime. it was easy, one word and she understood, not one word followed by endless explanation. i hate not being able to talk about my being and feeling. its not that i dont try, but i know how different my recent friends and i are. they dont talk about what i talk. they find my perspectives ridiculous. i get shut up all the time by their blank stares and emotionless responses. we have nothing in common, we cant stumble into a topic and engage in it for hours. shit, get me out of here.
6. one day, i suddenly felt lost. and for a mysterious reason, i cried. when i realized how i about to, i said, oh no demit, not now, not forever, dont betray me, dont. . . but they did. the tears did, just as how my friends disappoint me. i didnt see it coming, i guess it was just something i had buried deep inside, hidden, and it was about to emerge unannounced. i feel isolated when in truth i'm surrounded by people. i hate to go to school once more. if before this i was all excited, that was because i had something to count down to. but it had passed, i have reverted to my original condition. i feel a strong force which pulls me towards the bed and never to rise again, i cried, confirming the lame state of mine, of how i have never cured, but those hopeful times were just some kind of temporary distractions.
7. dan itulah sebabnya kenapa aku tak pergi sekolah ganti tadi. bukan aku sahaja, tapi satu kelas takda, mungkin sorang dua yang bersemangat waja sahaja. kalau dulu, sekolah ganti atau kelas tambahan disambut dengan girang, itu bermakna kitorg boleh bawak handphone dan camera dan camwhore seperti orang gila. tapi sekarang, siapa nak camwhore dengan aku? aku tau isnin ni akan meletus gunung berapi, buat kesepuluh juta kalinya, tapi kali ni magnitude gegaran lebih besar, jadi kitorg dah bersiap sedia sebab kitorg mmg cari pasal. takpa, lebih banyak sebab untuk menangis depan bos besar, lebih banyak peluang untuk ubah keadaan.
8. aku sedang mengusha seseorang ni, semata-mata supaya ada sesuatu untuk dibuat ketika rehat masa aku duduk berdiam diri semeja dengan 'recent friends' yang tak bercakap apa-apa.
9. lagi tiga minggu periksa besar, jadi aku akan cuba untuk tak online. aku akan belajar hari-hari walaupun godaan tidur sangat tinggi memandang sekarang hujan sudah mula membasahi bumi. takpa, aku cuba jadi nerd sejati. alang-alang social life aku dah musnah, baik aku tak sia-siakan peluang itu dengan belajar dan belajar, diharapnya dapat menandingi penangan budak asrama.
10. aku yang tinggal, tapi aku rasa seperti aku yang dah lama pergi. babai.
2. Sekarang aku macam takda kawan yang betul-betul kawan. aku ikut orang for the sake of not being left out. aku cari topik bodoh untuk bersembang, for the sake of not being silent and lonely. aku berkawan dengan orang, for the sake of having companion. bukannya sebab aku pilih, sebab aku nak, sebab aku suka, sebab aku sayang, sebab sejiwa.
3. sekarang aku dikelilingi kawan-kawan yang tak paham apa aku cakap. kalau dengan mereka dulu, kitorg boleh habiskan satu hari bersembang dan bergosip. kitorg menyampah tengok orang menggeletik bercinta, tapi kitorg masih cakap pasal laki. kitorg cakap pasal kejayaan, tapi masih berangan untuk kahwin dengan orang kaya. kitorg cakap pasal masalah sosial, tapi masih berharap kitorang tak mandul seraya dapat beranak nanti. kitorang pelik, dan lepas diorang pergi, takda sapa yang dapat berkongsi kepelikan itu dengan aku lagi.
4. I begin to text messages only to be saved in drafts. at least i have a reason to open the messaging folder, though there's no messages as always to wait for. i begin to text to myself, sharing things with myself, befriending with myself. i have become insane.
5. I have to lie to my 'recent' friends because they dont know the real me. i find its hard to explain, so i lie. i forget how i opened up to my 'previous' friends. a couple of them knew too much, i dont know how i even ended up telling them those secrets of a lifetime. it was easy, one word and she understood, not one word followed by endless explanation. i hate not being able to talk about my being and feeling. its not that i dont try, but i know how different my recent friends and i are. they dont talk about what i talk. they find my perspectives ridiculous. i get shut up all the time by their blank stares and emotionless responses. we have nothing in common, we cant stumble into a topic and engage in it for hours. shit, get me out of here.
6. one day, i suddenly felt lost. and for a mysterious reason, i cried. when i realized how i about to, i said, oh no demit, not now, not forever, dont betray me, dont. . . but they did. the tears did, just as how my friends disappoint me. i didnt see it coming, i guess it was just something i had buried deep inside, hidden, and it was about to emerge unannounced. i feel isolated when in truth i'm surrounded by people. i hate to go to school once more. if before this i was all excited, that was because i had something to count down to. but it had passed, i have reverted to my original condition. i feel a strong force which pulls me towards the bed and never to rise again, i cried, confirming the lame state of mine, of how i have never cured, but those hopeful times were just some kind of temporary distractions.
7. dan itulah sebabnya kenapa aku tak pergi sekolah ganti tadi. bukan aku sahaja, tapi satu kelas takda, mungkin sorang dua yang bersemangat waja sahaja. kalau dulu, sekolah ganti atau kelas tambahan disambut dengan girang, itu bermakna kitorg boleh bawak handphone dan camera dan camwhore seperti orang gila. tapi sekarang, siapa nak camwhore dengan aku? aku tau isnin ni akan meletus gunung berapi, buat kesepuluh juta kalinya, tapi kali ni magnitude gegaran lebih besar, jadi kitorg dah bersiap sedia sebab kitorg mmg cari pasal. takpa, lebih banyak sebab untuk menangis depan bos besar, lebih banyak peluang untuk ubah keadaan.
8. aku sedang mengusha seseorang ni, semata-mata supaya ada sesuatu untuk dibuat ketika rehat masa aku duduk berdiam diri semeja dengan 'recent friends' yang tak bercakap apa-apa.
9. lagi tiga minggu periksa besar, jadi aku akan cuba untuk tak online. aku akan belajar hari-hari walaupun godaan tidur sangat tinggi memandang sekarang hujan sudah mula membasahi bumi. takpa, aku cuba jadi nerd sejati. alang-alang social life aku dah musnah, baik aku tak sia-siakan peluang itu dengan belajar dan belajar, diharapnya dapat menandingi penangan budak asrama.
10. aku yang tinggal, tapi aku rasa seperti aku yang dah lama pergi. babai.
2 comments:
kalau nak tau, kita tarik nafas masa awak cakap, i write messages, only to be saved in my drafts.
sebenarnya kita tak nak cakap kat orang, tapi memandangkan kita huat hal yang sama... :)
No it's not pathetic, ama. Sometimes you just have to, find someone to talk to, someone similar to yourself.
YOU. :) so it's ok. It really is. (Stay cool, it's better to be alone, you observe people. Mana tau ada hikmah di sebalik semua ni, kan?)
Kak Ama,
Sabar ya.(:
Jangan sedih-sedih.
Tak mau cmni.:'(
Mgkn ini ujian yang datang dari ALLAH S.W.T. utk memastikan adakah hambanya boleh menempuhinya dengan sabar atau sebaliknya.:)
INSYAALLAH, AMIN,
Akk akan perolehi seorg sahabat yang baik dan sesuai utk Akk.(:
AMINAMINAMIN.(:
Semoga Akk berbahagia dan bergembira selalu.(;
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