Acquaintances Connecting

I don't know who i am anymore, i'm not the person i used to be.

never judge people, ever. i kept this close to heart, but in some cases i still found it intolerable and unjustifiable to use your background story as an explanation to why you behave a certain way, let alone as an excuse. but now i know. now i understand better. never underestimate any reason, ever.

now i know, maybe they become who they are for a reason, i don't know what is theirs, but i know mine. i certainly have a reason why i changed. i was once changed to be hard. now, i have been changed to be flexible. yes, i was and have been, because i didn't make up my mind to change, even my mind is having troubles making sense of this change. i'm just, different.

maybe i didn't change. i just need a break from being me. maybe i will be the old ama again.

my life is a series of contradictions. i contradict myself from time to time.

my life is episodes of ironies. i'm an irony.

i'm in the phase of life which i find that my roles have been reversed with those of other people in my past. it is so weird. i do things i didn't do before, but someone else might have done. the things which i questioned and objected, but now i'm doing it. you'll never know.

everything is indeed, about and depends on, timing.

something which didn't work before, maybe it was because of timing. and when something quite similar comes again, you would think it won't work too. but maybe it will this time, because of timing. someone who is so closed up might be repulsive to any outside attempt to break the wall, build the bridge, and come in. but because of timing, that someone can be receptive, open up, and let it in. like petals of a flower which open up at dawn, blooming in a long awaited morning. of course, petals, and people, open up because of reasons. reasons which grow in the nest of time.

the question is who will be there when the guard comes down? it's all about timing. wrong timing, right timing. the only thing is, once the timing is right, the situation might not be so. but timing can set it right again. if only you believe in time.

the clock which once stands still, has started ticking.

and i'm talking about friendship, in case anybody's wondering.

maybe nothing is wrong with being a new person, or even wanting to be someone different. everything i didn't do before isn't necessarily wrong. not doing it doesn't mean it was right. doing it now doesn't make me wrong. i'm doing what i didn't want to do, and it doesn't have to be either wrong or right. i just do what i feel like doing.

i could never relate to Summer. how she never wanted anything serious, how she didn't believe in love, how she didn't care about the label because it was fun and "who cares?", how she could dance with a guy when she was about to get married to another guy, and when asked why, she answered "because i wanted to". i couldn't really relate to that, to Summer's devil-may-care-way, to Summer's i-do-what-i-want-because-i-want-to, to Summer. but now, i guess i can.

it ain't a crime to be friend with someone who throws me with all kinds of adjectives: kerek, poyo, garang, cruel, heartless, mean, intriguing, interesting, weird, eccentric and other adjectives i've never been described as. it ain't a crime to be friend with someone whom i give a kind of vibe to. someone who receives the vibe i didn't know i had, maybe because only certain people could feel it. maybe because that's the only person who feels it. and nothing is wrong with befriending someone who can feel me.

the world will go against this, i would go against this, even i was against this before, but now i go along with it. so i guess it's us against the world. it's not as if i'm naive, in fact i am fully aware of the consequences of doing this. so still doing it is like walking into a battlefield with full knowledge of what awaits me.

where i was befriended, when i never wanted to befriend before,

where all my rules were bended, the principles i hold strong not long ago

in this friendship, i defy the reasonable principles and silly rules i've had all this time in deterring other attempts. the reasons for being friends, and the way of being friends. what has always been my excuse to escape, now binds me to it. it's not like i haven't tried to escape, and i did escape, throughout this one year. but now, i'm not running away anymore. no, i'm not giving in. but sometimes, some things defy your own logic. this is one of it.

maybe this is to show me that i can't say what is right or what is wrong, what i want to do or won't do. because i might be wrong with what i think is right. now i'm forced to eat my own word and see from the point of view of something i refused to do. i knew this has happened to me before, changing my stand as something changed my mind, so i knew not to be too strong on what is not so wrong, but i didn't think it would happen again. i guess this is only living, and learning.

people say i'm a person with principles. but changing your principle, doesn't make you any less than the person you are, right?

this is supposed to be bad. but it doesn’t feel bad. i can’t help this feeling, nor can i help not feeling what i’m supposed to feel. but i can’t help what i feel and what i feel, is not bad.

this is the point when other people would tell me i’m doing something stupid and would say “told cha” later and even my conscience is telling me “stop it” before i regret listening to my heart instead of my head, or rather, my new self, the free soul. but heck it. at some point in life you’ve gotta do something stupid, with full awareness of how stupid it is.

i just hope what awaits me will not be that bad. because how bad can it be when it doesn’t feel so bad?

about two weeks ago, i wrote something about not going to keep doing what i was doing, but now, i say suck it. and yes, it will suck. but that is later, and this is now. and now feels good.

about two weeks ago, i said to myself, "i'm only looking for fun. i won't get hurt." yes, i was right about that. but i was wrong too. i won't get hurt for the reason i thought would have hurt me if i was the old ama, before i've embodied this spirit of Summer who's only looking for fun and doesn't mind being given only fun in return, but now if i get hurt it might be for a whole different reason. this isn't just "fun" anymore. this has been more.

a few days ago, i said to myself, "i'm happy now. i'm genuinely happy." the second after that, i had to hold my tears. i didn't know what happened. was it due to the fact that i might be lying to myself? or was it because it was true, and the very thought of me being happy now implied that i was not happy before, the feeling of being happy now amplified the feeling of not being happy just about a while ago. like it was rare, like saying i'm happy shows that happiness is there. when happiness shouldn't be something you notice and have to tell yourself, hey, you're happy! it shouldn't be that way.

i know this happiness is temporary. i chose it even when i knew it. even though i said i will do what i want to do and i don't care, who the hell was i kidding. this is me. i will care. i thought i could live that way, but then i realized, this temporary happiness will have to end soon, and it's not gonna be pleasant once this guilty pleasure comes to an end. but this new me chose to say, let's just worry about it when the time comes.

i will worry about it when i let it end, if it will end, and it is more likely to end than us getting what we want all at once. we can't always get what we want right? that person might have to make a choice, and i know better to choose happiness for them, and that is when i'm out of the picture. my trust issues have led to more issues, putting other people in misery, and i will let it end because i want that person to be happy.

this time i get into a friendship knowing i will get out of it. yes nothing lasts forever, heck almost nothing even lasts for a year, but this time it will end quicker than i let it begin. this time it's not even because of usual reasons like growing apart or falling apart. this time it will end because it has to, and we're aware of that.

just because it is not necessary, doesn't mean it cannot be. things happen and people change. so now i just let it be.

i do not officially call this a friendship, because it will end before it will officially begin. i did not want to call this a friendship then because i really didn't want to be friends, but now i do not want to call it a friendship because i actually do not want to have another ex-friend. i no longer keep my distance, but i keep the tittle at bay, because it will be easier that way.

it better be easy, because i don't get attached easily and being alone doesn't make me lonely. i can make contact and cut connections just like that. i get bored with people fairly quickly and prefer my own company. all that applies unless you're somebody to me. this person is not yet a somebody. but you can not deny the effects of somebody with whom you've gone to a place you never explored with anybody else. you can not deny the effects of somebody who witness you change to be the new you. you can not deny the effects of somebody whom you've reached that part of conversation with. of course you will be affected.

but i hope i will only be affected for a day.

i call it by a different term because this, whatever it is, is different. i call it acquaintances connecting. but it is more than the connection i have in most friendships, and once it is disconnected, i will be affected. even for a bit. even for a while. because how can you not be affected when you meet someone which is one of a kind?

i once said to myself, "i thought you were different! turned out you're just the same." but now it's the other way around, i corrected myself, saying "i thought you were just the same! turned out you are different."
from the overused cliche, it turns to something you don't hear everyday.

it is hard to find someone who can pull off a decent conversation, sometimes random, sometimes about weird shits, and most importantly sometimes deep. it is hard to find someone who talks like a fictional character and when you both talk it feels like reading a fiction, you even have your own fictional names. it is hard to find someone you enjoy talking to, you have three-paragraph conversations it feels like writing a novel. it is hard to find someone who enjoys talking to you with no ulterior motive to get something more than just talking, and of course pages of replies. it is hard to find someone with whom you have a mutual liking to keep things interesting and embrace how everything is too weird for anything to be awkward. it is hard to find someone who is impressed by you when you never even try to impress them since the day you met but which you were oblivious about and only find out a year later. it is hard to find someone whom you share a certain natural talent with, and you use it with each other without being misunderstood. it is hard to find someone whom when you talk to for the first time you both get along well like you've known each other long enough, and i think chemistry can be felt in the first five minutes and proven in one year indeed.

just because you aren't aware of anything, doesn't mean it's not happening. and your oblivion together with the person's determination can start something even better than the initial motivation to create the connection, like a friendship.

give a chance, although not your trust. because a chance will gain your trust. and a chance and trust can give you so much more, you can gain a lot. i'm sorry that my defence mechanism is i don't trust people. it has cost me more than i thought.

and i thought i was cursed, by meeting yet another person of the type, one after another who acts just like that.

i was wrong. i was wrong all along. and i'm glad i was. i have been blind, i have been unkind. i have let my misgiving lead to misunderstanding. i have let other people's mistake cause two people's heartache. i have been a fool for fear of being a fool. i have let my issues get to my virtues. i have let the worst of people get the best of others, even of me. i have been guilty.

i've learnt that just because something is common sense to me, doesn't mean it is to someone else. just because i know better, doesn't mean those who say they don't are a liar. just because it is impossible to be that naive, doesn't mean they are up to mischief. just because someone sounds too good to be true, doesn't mean they are not too good to be true. just because i can't trust people, doesn't mean they cannot be trusted. just because a person is too nice, doesn't mean they are nice for a reason. just because i thought i had it all figured out from experience, doesn't mean this one is not an exception. just because i can't see what people see, doesn't mean they pretend to see it. just because someone is weird enough to see something weird about me which they like, doesn't mean they lie.

there is such a thing as a sincere interest to get to know somebody. there is such a thing as a genuine happiness to be friend with somebody. there is such a thing as being interested and happy caused by something platonic and not romantic. there are always such things way beyond our understanding and acceptance, not until it we feel.

i want to have fun. after much seriousness and getting nothing in return for being emotionally invested, i'm tired. so now i'm looking for fun. let me define fun. fun is letting myself free, just do what i want, follow my heart and not think too much, just live life as it is and go with the flow. fun is me taking a new approach in life. and fun is only doing this, because i'm still the same old ama in every other aspect. oh maybe another aspect is how i now like to take public transport and go anywhere i want without any fear of anything, being lost to be found in a new place, my own kind of adventurous. to be honest i haven't really felt happy for a while, but now i am happy. being happy is fun.

so i don't think looking for fun is that wrong, as i once thought it was.
and i still didn't find what i was looking for by being serious.

i'm learning to give a chance and trust.

i'm starting to trust this person not to bring me to darkness,
just like i'm starting to trust taxi drivers not to take me to dangers.
i need to start giving a chance to these people in this world.
to this person who might live to what they're saying,
to the taxi drivers who might just try to make a living.

i am happy, although i know it is temporary. but i am happy and at this moment it is all that matters, even what awaits me may be sadness. happiness, always cause sadness, just like how sadness emphasized happiness.

but i will do this to make other people happy, and that will make me happy. i know i won't be sad. but if i will, like happiness which can last for a day, i hope sadness lasts shorter than that.

“Whatever comes, let it come. What stays, let it stay. What goes, let it go.” - unknown

and to be honest, i still hope i was right about the devil, and now i'm wrong about the angel

because it will still be easier to believe, and it will sure be easier to leave

"Ghosts can stare at me straight in the eyes and i won't see a thing. Love, can also stare at me straight in the eyes and i won't recognize it. Or admit that i recognize it."

"Why are you having trouble acknowledging what's in front of you? Love is love, friendship is friendship. It does feel better to think of it as it is. Screw whatever it might be in the future! Live your life and feel it as it is at present."

this acquaintances connecting is already too weird to be awkward, and too awkward to begin with to be weirder. 

maybe i'll learn from this. i'll learn to trust.

"I can't even trust my own heart, how can i trust others?"

"You have serious trust issues. But then, I can't blame you. But I think you can give yourself a new chance. Start by trusting your own heart? "

and i know i'll learn more than that, for i'm already learning more.

this is a forbidden friendship, and all we can do is imagine the things we could do if this was a parallel universe.

J & J.

Ignorance Is My Very Own Defence Mechanism

recently i just realized, if i'm mad at someone, or offended, or annoyed, or hurt, or whatever, i have my own ways of not showing it. but by not showing it i might unintentionally show it all the same. actually i'm not even sure what feeling causes me to do this.

that whatever feeling causes me to ignore that person. recently it happened with different people and i didn't realize it until somebody pointed out that we're 'different'. that somebody would know how we usually are. if i have a problem with anyone, people will not know about it. i don't usually talk about them behind their back, i only vent my heartache but now rarely as i feel like i have no confidant, i no longer update emo obvious statuses. i might blog about it though... 

trust me, i try not to be cruel. the cruelest i get is being ignorant. even then i will show that i still care, again.
but if being ignorant is cruel, then forgive me. 

when i don't talk about it, or the person doesn't want to talk about it, and we pretend nothing happened, it will take its toll. we can pretend everything's fine, like you didn't do anything and i didn't do anything back and we didn't make each other mad, we can let it go and just drop it, but it will take its toll. without realizing it, we'll fall apart. because of what? because of nothing or everything all at once. bit by bit, keep it and it builds a volcano. something we hide, it will burn our inside. without realizing it, i will want to be away from the person. because being with them, silently burns. so anything it is, no matter how small, or awkward, or serious, if it needs to be talked about, just talk. or you and that person will never talk again. it will never be the same.

that was kinda out of topic, but still relevant.

anyway. when i had a fight with my brother with whom i was usually cool with and it went that bad for the first time, my mother noticed how i acted as if he didn't exist. when my guy classmate with whom i considered myself to be super cool with offended me despite all the times he made jokes and apologized for his sense of humour which i never took to heart but that one time i was hurt because i knew he wasn't joking, my girl classmate noticed how i acted as if he didn't exist. other people didn't even know about it. only witness of the incident, or those who are observant, or someone who just knows us.

my mother, my girl classmate, and people in general should know that i don't sulk. aku bukan budak kecik lagi, takde masa lah nak merajuk mintak kena pujuk ni. aku dah besar, sekarang aku tau rasa marah rasa meyampah je. jadi aku jauhkan diri, sebab aku taknak rasa benda camni. i never meant to let people know, i never wanted to let it show. but it's just something i do, or don't do, without realizing it. i don't even think about it, because when i do it will semakkan kepala otak aku serabutkan hati perasaan aku, so i don't think about it means i don't think about that person. until, out of the blue, people ask me

kau kenapa dengan dia?

ha? kenapa apa? takde apa pun

jangan tipu lah

serious lah, macam biasa je

macam biasa lah sangat

habis nak macam mana lagi?

macam dulu lah! sekarang lain

lain macam mana

tak bercakap.

dah takde apa yang nak dicakapkan.

yelah tapi dulu mesti ada jugak bercakap!

tak rasa nak bercakap.

nampak tau korang lain.

kau je yang rasa camtu.

yelah aku risau lah

siapa suruh fikir pasal kitorang!

sebab korang pun macam tak kisah!

takde apa nak risau. 

sampai bila korang nak macam ni?

alah nanti ok lah.

kalau takkan ok macam mana?

akan. bila? biar masa je menentukan.

pergh.

to me it's simple. everything will be okay in the end. whenever the end is, it will be okay. so now i just let it be. i used to care about these things, but now i'm tired. i'm lazy. i don't want to think about anything, when everything was all i ever thought about. now, to me, why would i care about people who don't care about me? yes i care about them nonetheless, but if the proof of them not thinking about me is there, then why should i still care? why should i think about them? it hurts thinking they don't care about me, so it's better to not think at all. i never meant to make it obvious that hey, you're there, but i'm not looking at ya let alone talking to ya haha i don't care about ya! all i have in my mind is i don't want to look at them and i don't want to talk to them, that's all. i never meant to hurt them if they realized it. but then again, did they even care that i didn't care about them? 

imagine me walking and sitting and eating at the same table and going to the library and being in the same house together with the person, but i appear to be blind, deaf and even mute to their existence. i'm so bad. even i surprise myself with my own nonchalance. i didn't think i could be this bad. this might be nothing to them, just like how i made it nothing to me, but there will be someone who thinks about everything. orang tengah yang kisah pasal kitorang yang risau lebih sampai tak tido malam fikir jauh gila sampai marah kitorang sebab kitorang jadi camni sedangkan kitorang dua tido lena. aku pun taktau kenapa aku camni, hati aku dah jadi kering sangat ke? tapi masih ada hati. tu yang penting. siram sikit, basahla balik. when i ignore, i don't feel mad, offended, annoyed, hurt, or whatever. when i start to think, it all comes back. so ignorance is bliss.

my brother will always be my brother, and my classmate will always be my classmate... for one sem and a half when it happened. so to me, nak tak nak, kita akan jumpa jugak. kita kena bercakap jugak. nanti semua oklah. biar reda dulu. biar lupa. biar dah lama. kita takleh lari. raya sama, belajar sama. but i realized the shit got worse when even raya sama, belajar sama pun, i still acted as if they weren't there.

muka aku macam lembut, tapi sebenarnya plot twist: aku keras.

aku memang keras, tapi sebenarnya plot twist lagi: hati aku lembut.

so.... muka menggambarkan hati dan bukan peribadi? lol.

even my mom said, "muka je macam lembut." i don't know what to take that as.

the harsh world can either make you tough or make you hard, or both.

this is so not who i used to be. now i find myself being a different person than who i was in many ways. 

i don't think about people because when i do, i care. so i take the ignorance is bliss approach. because if you care, you might get hurt. when my mom talked to me about my brother, i cried. when my girl classmate talked to me about my guy classmate, i almost cried. before they made the intervention, i lived my life as usual, the only difference was the exception of not talking to one person, and that was fine with me. i was not at all bothered. i knew what i was doing was wrong, but it's the only thing i could do. my ego stopped me from saying sorry or even talking first to them who hurt me. but when i didn't do that, i could have hurt them too. and that's when i really had to say sorry. shit i feel like crying. i am not close to my brothers, but it was the brother with whom i was close enough in my poor definition of sister-brother relationship. i am not close to guys, but of all guys, it just had to happen to someone i care about like a brother, and i don't hesitate to say i love as a friend.

so yeah. where was i? ignoring people. yes, so i ignore people and forgive me if i ever ignore you.

but i can also not care at all. so sincerely forgive me if i genuinely don't.

Old Jiwang Songs

it's Ronan Keating, Brian McFadden, and Daniel Bedingfield kinda night. those were the good things in life. those are gold.

dalam banyak-banyak malam, malam ni jugaklah aku ternostalgia dengar lagu dorang. ternostalgia ye, tak sengaja. dari dengar mp3 lama, tetiba bukak youtube, tau-tau je dah sejam dua aku ulang tengok benda sama dengar benda sama sampai studynya ke mana. nampak tak penangan mereka. hmm ke yang nampak jelas kemalasan aku hmm.

takdela lama sangat pun, adalah dalam 10 tahun. nak lagi lama nanti aku keluarkan lagu 50-an ok? takde hal aku ada je special folder untuk lagu seklasik itu. yang ni semua lagu zaman sekolah rendah. tak mengalami tapi memahami. aku kan punya sifat empati yang tinggi, hihi. sampai sekarang aku rasa tiga lagu ni akan sentiasa jadi favourite aku sampai mati. wah begitu sekali. serious ah. lagu lama memang lagi best daripada lagu baru, tapi lagu-lagu ni antara yang terbest daripada semua lagu. haaa.

marilah bernostalgia sesama.

When You Say Nothing At All - Ronan Keating

The smile on your face

Lets me know that you need me

There's a truth in your eyes

Saying you'll never leave me

The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall.

You say it best when you say nothing at all

this is one of the songs yang memang dihafal begitu sahaja tanpa usaha. tetiba je ternyanyi sama. biasanya lagu lama la yang camni kan, aku lagu melayu mana tah zaman bila pun taktau, sape nyanyi pun tak kenal, dengar sikit terus boleh sambung nyanyikan. misteri bagaimana lagu boleh melekat begitu mudah dalam kepala tapi ilmu dan quran tidak ye. takpe jangan rasa bersalah dulu, meh ke lagu seterusnya hahaha keji. tapi lagu ni cam jahat. i say it best when i say nothing at all? kfine.

jap, Ronan Keating ni hensem gila dah kenapa. masa dia angkat kening bila sebut "the touch of your hand tu", at the word touch kening dia terangkat, weh kenapa.

Brian McFadden featuring Delta Goodrem - Almost Here

Did I hear you right

'Cause I thought you said

Let's think it over

You have been my life

And I never planned

Growing old without you

..........

Haven't I always loved you?

But when I need you

You're almost here

And I know that's 

Not enough

But when I'm with you

I'm close to tears

'Cause you're only almost here

...........

Haven't I always loved you?

But when I need you, you're almost here

(Well I never knew how far behind I'd left you)

And when I hold you, you're almost here

(Well I'm sorry that I took our love for granted)

(Now I'm with you, I'm close to tears

'Cause I know I'm almost here)

Only almost here

AKU SUKA GILA LAGU NI. SUKA NAK MATI. FAHAM TAK CINTA. CINTA SANGAT NI.

sampai sekarang aku selalu dengar lagu ni. dulu aku siap bayangkan music video dia. budak darjah empat tuuu. tapi dah memang tahap imaginasi aku tinggi, hihi. kalau aku bayangkan mv, mv aku lagi best daripada mv sebenar. lagu apa pun kasi la, sampai kengkadang i blow my own mind hahaha. kalau aku jadi pengarah dah lama aku kaya aku rasa.

 tengok music video ni, cam sweet kan. tapi try dengar tanpa mv, lagu ni sedih sebenarnya ohh. aku rasa aku pernah nangis dengar lagu ni, padahal takde kaitan ngan hidup aku pun. takdela cubala korang bayangkan! ish.  pasti terkesan di hati lulz. suara dorang main peranan nyanyi pun cam sedih je, dahlah kisah lagu ni pun memang sedih sebenarnya. dorang macam berbalas cakap paham tak, yelah dah nama pun duet kan daaa. 

laki tu sayang pompuan tu tapi pompuan tu tak dapat rasa kasih sayangnya. perempuan tu mintak "let's think it over." laki tu terkejut, eh tapi "you have been my life?" pastu dia persoalkan kenapa sebab "haven't i always loved you?" pompuan tu jawab ye laa memangla kau sayang aku tapi kau takde bila aku perlukan kau, tak cukup setakat sayang je. kalau kau ada dengan aku pun, aku rasa cam nak nangis "cause you're only almost here". you're here, but only almost. not really. akhirnya laki tu faham, dia kata "i never knew how far behind i left you, i'm sorry that i took our love for granted." kali ni dia pulak yang cakap "now i'm with you, i'm close to tears, cause i know i'm almost here, only almost.... here."

dia sedar salah dia, tapi dah terlambat. sedih kan :'( mv imaginasi aku, ending dia sedih tak hepi camni :'(

perempuan ni cantik gila, lembut je muka dia rasa cam aish kau begitu sempurna.

Daniel Bedingfield - If You're Not The One 

I never know what the future brings

But I know you're here with me now

We'll make it through and I hope

You are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand

If I'm not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that I am?

Is there anyway that I can stay in your arms?

...........

And I wish that you could be the one I die with

And I pray that you're the one I build my home with

I hope I love you all my life

pertama sekali, lagu ni terbaik. lagi satu lagu yang tau-tau je dah terhafal chorus menghayati gila sampailah part high pitch yang tak mampu nak tandingi. kedua, AKU GELAK TENGOK MV NI! TERUS TAK FEELING!! sumpah kelakaaar, nampak sangat lagu lama. dia buat macam-macam gaya. tak awkward ke depan camera sengsorang camtu, tengok diri sendiri kat tv camtu. takpelah bang, asal lagu kau sedap. aku rasa lagi power kalau dia just pandang camera dengan mata berair dia tu daripada diselubungi efek guruh dan bayang-bayang siap terpelanting terjatuh segala. tapi okla gak, boleh terasa cintanya itu hahaha. amaran kepada penonton di rumah: untuk efek jiwang maksima, sila jangan tonton music video ini.

lagu ni  menakutkan sebenarnya. amaran kepada penjiwang tegar: jangan nak if you're not the one sangat. "I love you whether it's wrong or right"? heh mana boleh camtu! bahaya lagu ni. bagi harapan palsu. tapi best!

aku paling suka part "i hope i love you all my life" tu, dia sebut satu-satu ;)

these were my childhood. lol. 

kawen nanti nak pasang ah. kbye.

*masukkan dalam list*

Forget Fate, Trust Time

You can't make someone stop loving anybody, just like how you can't stop the feeling yourself. but try. at least, try.

To those who need to forget, try pushing the person out of your heart. Try starving the memory in your mind. Try erasing their trace in your life. Try being blind. To those who need to be forgotten, try ignoring the person's existence. try carving the bold line. try being mute and deaf. try being cruel to be kind.

Whichever you are, you can do so much as try. 

In the end, you don't own anybody's heart and nobody owns yours. The heart will turn, the only matter is when. Forget or not, love or loss. The Turner of Hearts will decide. You've fallen hard, so pray hard to heal the pain, to fly again. In the end, fly or fall, at least you can say "at least i tried."

but if you haven't tried hard enough, and if you don't really want to forget, then you have no right to say it's fate. if you are still trying and you haven't forgotten, keep being tough and just stay patient. one day, before you even know it, it will fade away. you have my word. i don't know for how long you will have to suffer, but after a while everything will disappear. you have His word. every soul was created with a mate, in this world each will find their way back to each other.

if it still doesn't disappear, if you still don't find a way back to another...

you have no option but wait. trust time.

time here, is not for you to wait for the person's heart to change, but for your own heart to turn. not for you to hope even more, but to forget the false hope of fate. you never know, even if your heart is set. you don't know if that person is for you, just like that person doesn't know if you are not for them. here, you both are equal, the wanderers in this world. we even have to pray for our heart to stay firm with our faith, then why do we expect the qalb - 'that which turn' - to stay the same with something as vague as the so called love?

Instead of letting the person go, let yourself free. Instead of seeing if they will come back, see if you will.

i know it's hard. i know it kills you inside. i know it breaks your heart. i know it hurts.
and now you must know that i speak as someone who has been through all this.

so now you know, you can trust me when i say it will all be okay.

i'm sorry i can't give you more, i can only give you my word.
but if my word isn't enough, you have His.

i did many things, but this i didn't do to you. 

forgive me for everything else, but not this.

please, loosen your grip on what makes your palm bleed.

you've got nothing to lose, you've got nothing to miss.

because some roses are more thorny.
and i am just me.

Loving Lang Leav and Sharing The Loveee

I love Lang Leav. so very much. reading her heart, my heart is touched.

remember my misadventure with my love to get Love & Misadventure? it hers. i remember founding her on tumblr a couple of years back, or a few even. she already had her fan base, but not as large as she has now. i remember reblogging and liking her work, which only got at most not more than a couple of thousands of notes, now her notes has reached hundreds of thousands. i remember finally she made a facebook page, and i was one of the first few to like it. but now, look where she is! a published author. i'm so proud of her.

... still not over the fact that as one of her first fans in Malaysia i still don't own the book. i iz sad.

one of the reasons why i love her is because she conveys complexity with such simplicity. she doesn't use sophisticated sentence structures, or big bombastic words. because she doesn't want to impress people's mind, she wants to touch people's hearts :) she doesn't show her skills, she shares her stories :)

this is her answer, and i can tell you there aren't many people like her

she wrote this at thirteen. it's simple, beautiful, and real. some people were just born to write, eh? how lucky

writing breathes bravery. if only i had her courage, i wouldn't lock my words in a cage...

her boyfriend is her poetry, may he be the love of her life, because she's also his :)

to me it's so perfect, in a way, for writers to be with writers, and artists to be with artists.

that way you read the word and paint the colour of each other. you understand each other better.

it's kinda sweet and romantic too ;)

but that doesn't mean you have to like what the person you like likes.

that's superficial and pretentious.

if you're different let it be genuine. if you're similar, let it be sincere.

i really love this one. Michael is so talented too. they're gonna have cute poetic kids

i'm not sharing this cos i love yall.

i'm sharing this cos i love Leav.
i don't want to share what i love with people. let me love it alone.

ramai orang suka pun buatpe kalau semua nak beli buku dia sampai habis stock,

apa je yang tinggal untuk aku, apa?!

this is the top 70 which i love the most. 70?! yeah. i save her work which i like in a folder and to date it has reached about, almost 200? but i shortlisted 100 to post it here. since 100 is way too many, i tried reducing it. the best i could get is 70. i can't shortlist any less. not easy. not easy to remove what you love, cut what you feel is important... it feels like writing a personal statement. so yeah, 70 is still way too many, but it's better than 100? no?

how do i choose which are the best 70? maybe, instead of what i like, i choose what i know, or once knew.

i choose what i understand, what is familiar to me ;)

happy falling in love!

so? save a copy for me!