Ignorance Is My Very Own Defence Mechanism

recently i just realized, if i'm mad at someone, or offended, or annoyed, or hurt, or whatever, i have my own ways of not showing it. but by not showing it i might unintentionally show it all the same. actually i'm not even sure what feeling causes me to do this.

that whatever feeling causes me to ignore that person. recently it happened with different people and i didn't realize it until somebody pointed out that we're 'different'. that somebody would know how we usually are. if i have a problem with anyone, people will not know about it. i don't usually talk about them behind their back, i only vent my heartache but now rarely as i feel like i have no confidant, i no longer update emo obvious statuses. i might blog about it though... 

trust me, i try not to be cruel. the cruelest i get is being ignorant. even then i will show that i still care, again.
but if being ignorant is cruel, then forgive me. 

when i don't talk about it, or the person doesn't want to talk about it, and we pretend nothing happened, it will take its toll. we can pretend everything's fine, like you didn't do anything and i didn't do anything back and we didn't make each other mad, we can let it go and just drop it, but it will take its toll. without realizing it, we'll fall apart. because of what? because of nothing or everything all at once. bit by bit, keep it and it builds a volcano. something we hide, it will burn our inside. without realizing it, i will want to be away from the person. because being with them, silently burns. so anything it is, no matter how small, or awkward, or serious, if it needs to be talked about, just talk. or you and that person will never talk again. it will never be the same.

that was kinda out of topic, but still relevant.

anyway. when i had a fight with my brother with whom i was usually cool with and it went that bad for the first time, my mother noticed how i acted as if he didn't exist. when my guy classmate with whom i considered myself to be super cool with offended me despite all the times he made jokes and apologized for his sense of humour which i never took to heart but that one time i was hurt because i knew he wasn't joking, my girl classmate noticed how i acted as if he didn't exist. other people didn't even know about it. only witness of the incident, or those who are observant, or someone who just knows us.

my mother, my girl classmate, and people in general should know that i don't sulk. aku bukan budak kecik lagi, takde masa lah nak merajuk mintak kena pujuk ni. aku dah besar, sekarang aku tau rasa marah rasa meyampah je. jadi aku jauhkan diri, sebab aku taknak rasa benda camni. i never meant to let people know, i never wanted to let it show. but it's just something i do, or don't do, without realizing it. i don't even think about it, because when i do it will semakkan kepala otak aku serabutkan hati perasaan aku, so i don't think about it means i don't think about that person. until, out of the blue, people ask me

kau kenapa dengan dia?

ha? kenapa apa? takde apa pun

jangan tipu lah

serious lah, macam biasa je

macam biasa lah sangat

habis nak macam mana lagi?

macam dulu lah! sekarang lain

lain macam mana

tak bercakap.

dah takde apa yang nak dicakapkan.

yelah tapi dulu mesti ada jugak bercakap!

tak rasa nak bercakap.

nampak tau korang lain.

kau je yang rasa camtu.

yelah aku risau lah

siapa suruh fikir pasal kitorang!

sebab korang pun macam tak kisah!

takde apa nak risau. 

sampai bila korang nak macam ni?

alah nanti ok lah.

kalau takkan ok macam mana?

akan. bila? biar masa je menentukan.

pergh.

to me it's simple. everything will be okay in the end. whenever the end is, it will be okay. so now i just let it be. i used to care about these things, but now i'm tired. i'm lazy. i don't want to think about anything, when everything was all i ever thought about. now, to me, why would i care about people who don't care about me? yes i care about them nonetheless, but if the proof of them not thinking about me is there, then why should i still care? why should i think about them? it hurts thinking they don't care about me, so it's better to not think at all. i never meant to make it obvious that hey, you're there, but i'm not looking at ya let alone talking to ya haha i don't care about ya! all i have in my mind is i don't want to look at them and i don't want to talk to them, that's all. i never meant to hurt them if they realized it. but then again, did they even care that i didn't care about them? 

imagine me walking and sitting and eating at the same table and going to the library and being in the same house together with the person, but i appear to be blind, deaf and even mute to their existence. i'm so bad. even i surprise myself with my own nonchalance. i didn't think i could be this bad. this might be nothing to them, just like how i made it nothing to me, but there will be someone who thinks about everything. orang tengah yang kisah pasal kitorang yang risau lebih sampai tak tido malam fikir jauh gila sampai marah kitorang sebab kitorang jadi camni sedangkan kitorang dua tido lena. aku pun taktau kenapa aku camni, hati aku dah jadi kering sangat ke? tapi masih ada hati. tu yang penting. siram sikit, basahla balik. when i ignore, i don't feel mad, offended, annoyed, hurt, or whatever. when i start to think, it all comes back. so ignorance is bliss.

my brother will always be my brother, and my classmate will always be my classmate... for one sem and a half when it happened. so to me, nak tak nak, kita akan jumpa jugak. kita kena bercakap jugak. nanti semua oklah. biar reda dulu. biar lupa. biar dah lama. kita takleh lari. raya sama, belajar sama. but i realized the shit got worse when even raya sama, belajar sama pun, i still acted as if they weren't there.

muka aku macam lembut, tapi sebenarnya plot twist: aku keras.

aku memang keras, tapi sebenarnya plot twist lagi: hati aku lembut.

so.... muka menggambarkan hati dan bukan peribadi? lol.

even my mom said, "muka je macam lembut." i don't know what to take that as.

the harsh world can either make you tough or make you hard, or both.

this is so not who i used to be. now i find myself being a different person than who i was in many ways. 

i don't think about people because when i do, i care. so i take the ignorance is bliss approach. because if you care, you might get hurt. when my mom talked to me about my brother, i cried. when my girl classmate talked to me about my guy classmate, i almost cried. before they made the intervention, i lived my life as usual, the only difference was the exception of not talking to one person, and that was fine with me. i was not at all bothered. i knew what i was doing was wrong, but it's the only thing i could do. my ego stopped me from saying sorry or even talking first to them who hurt me. but when i didn't do that, i could have hurt them too. and that's when i really had to say sorry. shit i feel like crying. i am not close to my brothers, but it was the brother with whom i was close enough in my poor definition of sister-brother relationship. i am not close to guys, but of all guys, it just had to happen to someone i care about like a brother, and i don't hesitate to say i love as a friend.

so yeah. where was i? ignoring people. yes, so i ignore people and forgive me if i ever ignore you.

but i can also not care at all. so sincerely forgive me if i genuinely don't.