alhamdulillah. i've finished my first year of degree :)
*stop reading if you wish to stick to the positive things*
words cannot describe how thankful i am for getting this chance.
but what can i say? i have found everything, but i have lost myself.
what's worse than not being content with what you've got, is not being content with what you've been given when you used to want it so much.
i know i shouldn't be feeling this, which is why i feel worse. that's what people are going to say anyway. so i just keep quiet. because you don't see it for it to be real to you. or maybe it just exists to me. i make up my own unhappiness and it's all my fault.
what does this girl who has got everything have to complain?
but i am not complaining. i'm just blaming me.
i'm afraid too, that i shouldn't feel like this and i would be punished for it. maybe i am already being punished, that's why i'm feeling like this.
but the feeling is just there. it's always there. no matter how happy i get. even if sometimes i forget it.
i don't like this feeling because it will ruin everything. i know it will affect everything else if i let it. my relationships with people, not just the academic and professional aspects of life. so i don't let it. other people are not responsible for how i feel towards myself.
that is the number one rule to love others, even when you hate yourself. even when others seem to have it better.
be an adult and suck it up. while you're with others, be crazy and funny and happy.
apparently it's easy to succumb to feeling less responsible for your own feelings when you have somebody to depend on emotionally. even if you've depended on yourself all your life. suddenly you are a kid. don't do that. don't hold them accountable for what you feel. you have to be strong as though you are all you've got. don't let them be your excuse for being weak. at first instance of being weak in hope they will give you strength, kick that kid up.
be strong as if all you have is yourself. find that within you, do not look for it in anyone else. because if you don't find it in them, you'll feel they are to be blamed. YOU motivate, push, reassure YOURSELF. if you abandon yourself, it's not anyone's job to make you feel worthy again. if you're not feeling good, it's because you don't make yourself feel good.
other people can make you happy, but they can't give happiness to you. you're your own responsibility.
this is what i told myself. but maybe it's all just talk.
i've got what i wanted, but i've lost the very thing that helped me to be here.
i was always driven. but now, i don't feel any drive.
i used to do it all for myself. i didn't even do it for my parents. because i had my own motivation, i didn't need any external force to push me. mom didn't push me the way i did. i pushed myself enough. because i aimed high enough, and i was crazy enough to think i could achieve it. now i don't have all that. only now, when nothing's left, do i understand what it means to do it just for your parents. not even for yourself.
thinking mama is praying so hard for me. mama has done so much. i should do this at least for her.
i have lost myself, that i basically only have mama.
does that make me a bad daughter, or does it mean i am just so screwed?
i'm so tired of feeling like this. it's like a hole i keep falling into. sometimes people bring me flowers, sometimes the sun shines through, but it doesn't take away the fact that i am in a hole, which in my mind, i dig myself.
preach about it from academical or religious point of view, thank you. but of course i knew it all already. of course that's what i've been telling myself. i don't just let myself drown, you know. i tried. but the hole is too deep.
i've broken down too much i can't build anything up anymore. not even hope. it gets to the point where i feel i should talk to somebody, like i need help. real help. but that's probably just me being overdramatic. just ignore it.
i've made some attempts to change things. it did not work. but i'll try again with other things...
i want to find what i've lost. i want to find that focus again. i want to think of what i want like i used to do, and like i used to do, make it happen.
i want to feel the stress. i want to feel the struggle to get what i want.
my problem is, i don't know what i want anymore. i've got what i wanted, now what? i thought by going with the flow, and taking life easy, that would chill me down, that would be good for me. but instead, i let myself down. it's bad for me, not being stressed out to get something. struggles, are good. it's good to have something worth fighting for. now i don't have any cause in life. no fight.
i've long known, i just don't know how...
i've told you it's petty. you should have stopped reading.
i don't know when did i become this person who is in need for self-love. i thought not letting all those things define me shows that i love myself enough in spite of not becoming what the world wants me to be. but i forgot i have my wants too, and not becoming what i want, deprives me of the self-love i once had and treasured. i used to feel i was enough. now, having people loving me, isn't even enough for me to love myself. what an irony.
i am afraid this will make me unable to love selflessly. because to love people selflessly, you have to fully love yourself first.
and i want to be easy to love. i don't want to make it hard for people who love me.
i feel useless and worthless, it actually makes me sad. i think that's why i'm so down all the time. it affects my mood to study, it affects my mood with people. i try to hide it or distract it, suppressing in any way i can but it just happens. it doesn't change the fact that i feel it.
i don't have any mark in this world. i don't have any impact in people's lives. the world and people need changing, but my existence doesn't change a thing. i could have just been a bird and it would make no difference. even birds have their functions.
is it because i didn't choose what would push me the hardest. but no. don't regret your choices. don't. i chose this and Allah chose it for me. i am the one who has to make the most out of it. at least something. it's not grand, but it will be good. i've always favoured good over grand anyway. the thing is at this rate, it's nothing.
when i feel like this, i'd like to think about The Fault in Our Stars. the guy, is something like me. he wanted to do good things in life. but instead, he was sick. and dying. and became a burden. he felt like what i feel. the only difference is he at least had a legit reason for feeling like that. i am alive and kicking. and still feel just as bad.
anyway, it got to the point where the girl had to tell him off. that him feeling useless and worthless made it seem as if she meant nothing to him when he had touched her life too. she said he might want to be a hero, but that's not his life. he got her, that's the best he could get, so suck it up. sorry it's not the world you changed, but me. something like that.
i used this a lot to help me cope.
but i still know that's fiction, thank you.
and i will still feel it anyway.
others think i could be an inspiration, where i am now. they don't know that being here, i am not inspired at all. but it's okay, oxygen will get me by.
i have this habit of making "ama emo" a thing. i say it a lot to purposely make it lose its meaning. i don't know why but it's how i deal with things when i don't want people to make me deal with it. kind of my escape word. because it happens, so you don't have to worry about it. it's just ama emo moments. it's gonna go away.
don't worry about it. i'm gonna be ok :)
