The Perks of Being A Wallflower

I never wanted to watch The Perks of Being a Wallflower for one and one reason only: I had not read the book yet. if i watch a movie based on a novel first without reading the novel, i would never read the novel. it will just ruin the experience because movie adaptations always ruin the original masterpiece. besides that, the same thought about The Faults In Our Stars lingered too, and a bit of "it's too mainstream" stopped me. but what if it's too mainstream just because of the movie? what if it's too mainstream because it's actually good? what if the book is really good? what if i'm missing out on something worth knowing?

so, i read the book.

and man, man. i finished it in one day. and watched the movie the next day. and man, man. i cried watching it more than i should have, i had tears during scenes which aren't even that sad, but i guess that's because i've read it first, and i know the story better than it conveys, i've dived deeper into the pages. books always give me more feelsss. i love the book, it's different. i might have fallen for the main character, too. what? i've had fictional crushes before. people have summer flings, well, i have those. lol.

i like The Perks more than i do The Faults. Sorry John Green. Your Augustus Waters and your quotes really took my breath away, but Stephen gave a soul to the book, which it gave to me. i guess i can relate better to Charlie.

i seriously do not want to say that i can relate to charlie, because it is already too mainstream. the world wants to claim they get charlie. everyone who reads and watches The Perks wants to take the tittle wallflower. i do not want to be yet another teenager who says "i'm a wallflower. i see things. i keep quiet about them. and i understand". seriously i don't want to be a cliche.

but i do. i do feel like charlie a bit. maybe not the lonely, weird, alone, socially awkward part, but the seeing, keeping quiet, and understanding part. the thinking part. i noticed this about myself since a long time ago.

i've always noticed things, but most of the times i shut up about it, because it's either a) it's silly to notice small things, b) it's creepy to think too much about things which do not even concern me, or c) it's not my place to talk about it, i don't have any right to say anything, and maybe it's just all in my little kid and teenager's head. so i keep quiet. and i understand. and sometimes, i hope i understand wrong.

maybe i am a bit wallflower weird in a way. 

i noticed that too darling, but i didn't know why until much later in the book :(

first off the book is simply written. It doesn't really use beautiful sentence structure or anything like that which will make you go wow at every turn of page, except for a few beautiful lines. it's simply written, in the voice of a boy, writing to a stranger. but as a whole, the story is beautifully written, and the characters are, too. it's real.

charlie is really something. seeing from his eye and thinking in his voice make me realize that this is the person i've always wanted to meet. someone who is so messed up even i'm not as messed up as him, but because we're messed up together on our own scale, we understand each other, we help each other, most importantly i want to help him, and he's so insightful and introspective, so genuinely nice and kind, so smart in his own way, and we can think and talk about what we see, keep quiet about, and understand.

i don't say this because everyone loves charlie now.
i say this because i l have always loved someone like charlie, before it was cool.

this is our first similarity i discovered. "WHY DIDN'T HE TALK TO ME I COULD HAVE BEEN THERE FOR HIM IF HE LET ME IN THEN WHAT WAS I ALL THIS TIME, A USELESS FRIEND?!" i would totally react like him if it were to happen to me, but maybe less dramatic and emotional? 

i couldn't understand why was he so temperamental... when he's not having a fit and acting like someone who needs medication to calm him down, he was a cry baby. i don't like cry baby boys. don't get me wrong, crying is masculine, crying shows you're strong, but not when you cry at everything all the time. not when you cry more than me, ahah. that's showing something. so i didn't understand at first, why was charlie like that. but man... the question was answered in time.

before we arrive at that time, i'm going to talk about suicide. suicide is selfish. that's it. i'm selfish for saying people can't end their own lives, yes, but they are selfish because all they think about are their lives, not the lives of others affected when theirs ended. but let that be for another post. don't say i don't understand the feeling of not wanting to live. but you don't decide that. don't take your own life. it's selfish.

sooo. charlie is so good at heart, it's moving. i can just read his thoughts and have tears in my eyes. he's just... so pure. he always wonders about people, and he always hopes they are happy.

“I walk around the school hallways and look at the people. I look at the teachers and wonder why they're here. If they like their jobs. Or us. And I wonder how smart they were when they were fifteen. Not in a mean way. In a curious way. It's like looking at all the students and wondering who's had their heart broken that day, and how they are able to cope with having three quizzes and a book report due on top of that. Or wondering who did the heart breaking. And wondering why.” 

believe me or not, i've wondered about these things too. exactly the same thing. about the teachers, the students, some strangers, someone i lay eyes on and never see again, but at that moment i think about them. i know everyone has their own stories, like i have mine. this happens more often when i indulge in mine, because i am aware that i'm thinking of my stories, so i guess other people might be thinking of theirs too. i wonder what that could be. i wonder about their lives, and hope they don't have some shitty lives, because i will feel sad about them, and i know they must be sadder than i am. i want people to be happy because everybody deserves to be happy. if they are not happy, they are gonna make other people have shitty lives too, and i don't want to be that other people, i don't want to be unhappy because they are unhappy.

this is totally true. you know when you have problem seeing other people, it's because you have problems.

this is totally true too. wow what an alliteration. i know Prophet Muhammad pbuh told us to look at those who are less fortunate when we feel down so we can look up to Allah and be more thankful, but like everything else he did, i'm sure it must be done with wisdom. i'm sick of people telling me that others have it worse when i feel i have something bad, so i won't say the same to other people. 

i know others have it worse. i know people in other third world countries, people in the slums in my country, and even some people in my neighbourhood have it worse. i know that, thanks. but don't let that fact cause you to overlook or even ignore the fact that this is what i have, this is what i know, so this is what i feel bad, worse, or the worst. i can only see that other people have it much worse, but i am not in their shoes to have it, i don't live in their skin to feel it. you don't too, do you? i'm sure that i'm more likely to be more empathetic than you are, hence more able to feel what they feel, but i still don't have it. i only feel what i have, and i only have that to compare to other feelings i feel. not anyone else's. even if they have it much worse.

so people, please, if you want to pull someone up, don't let themselves down anymore than they already are by telling them what they feel down about is nothing compared to what other people are down about. if i lived  a lucky, happy, luxurious life and i have everything and everyone i need and want, and i was down that my favourite tv show couple didn't end up together, don't tell me that what i felt was nothing. because that's the worst i ever felt in my life, that's only what i got to feel, that's a 10 on my sadness scale. instead, tell me that it's too bad, that if you were me you'd be sad. be there for me and listen to me. and then, tell me how there are actual couples in the world who are divorced, or how one of them died, or how the two of them were never even together even though they really loved each other. tell me that then. a moment after i felt better, or even a while later. that's wisdom.

i hope i won't be one of these unsympathetic morons who think the person is the one who's not being empathetic. if i ever was like them, forgive me please. that's just common sense. i'm sure nobody wants their sadness, disappointment, misery, depression, to be dismissed on the ground that "it's not bad enough", right?

i love charlie for having this common sense. but it's so sad, how other people in his world don't.

his favourite teacher who was also his friend told him this. my heart broke.

his crush who was with somebody else told him this. my heart broke.

this is one of the scenes i cried watching. i just really want people to care about charlie like he does for others okay! it's not fair that he really loves people around him and appreciates them but they don't! tsk. another sad factor is because of sam. sam's first kiss was when she was a kid, but with an older man. in other words, sexual assault. minor, but still. to have your first kiss out of force when you can't fight it. so sam wanted to make sure that the same thing wouldn't happen to charlie. because charlie was so naive and nice. it's so sad to think of it that way, that his first kiss might not have meaning because of how he was, and how other people were. charlie is a person who deserves the first kiss with someone who loves him.

the ever famous line. there are many versions of it made by fans, the best one is

"we take the naps we think we deserve"
straight to the heart, man, straight to the heart.

"maybe he didn't really encourage me to do things, but he didn't prevent me from doing them either. but after a while, i didn't do things because i didn't want him to think different about me. but the thing is, i wasn't being honest. so, why would i care whether or not he loved me when he didn't really even know me?"

amen, sam, amen

i like it how sam had a bad reputation which was known to people, and charlie had a bad experience which was not known to people. charlie felt if people knew how crazy he was, they wouldn't talk to him. sam felt like she didn't deserve anything good because she had faced bad things and done bad things herself. but to charlie, he didn't care about sam's past because he didn't want sam to care about his past either. they had different kinds of past, but because they both were trying to change to be better, they didn't care. i like it.

he would hate it if she judged him based on how he was like, so he won't judge her. and when sam felt like she finally did something right in her life by getting into college, like the past didn't matter anymore and the real world was out there, she finally got the breakaway ticket.. :')

"i just think it's bad when a boy looks at a girl and thinks that the way he sees the girl is better than the girl actually is."

for example, i see you as beautiful because i like you. only because of that. that's maybe sweet, but seriously?

charlie wants to be a writer! people who know him think he should be a writer too. hehe ;)

another point which makes me feel like i'm a bit like him is our desire to talk to a stranger about our lives. that's why this book is actually a series of his letters to someone who doesn't know him. that's why this blog was created in the first place. because we need to talk to somebody, or at least write it down.  the difference is charlie told everything to the stranger, and i don't really tell everything to this blog, because some of my readers are not strangers. when i was a kid, i always wanted to tell someone about my life, but i didn't want that person to know me. i want people to know my story, without knowing me. i don't want people i know to know what makes me emo. that's why sometimes this blog doesn't make sense, because i intentionally write in a way which doesn't make people understand. when they try to make sense of it, they tend to misunderstand. but writing even ambiguously knocks some sense into me. once i write things down, even if my heart is not at ease, it puts my mind at peace. because my mind is cluttered with words, and usually an empty mind means a free heart, even for a while.

i've felt like this too.

"i made aunt helen a promise to only cry about important things because i would hate to think that crying as much as i do would make crying for aunt helen less than it is."

Charlie's history

he's been to the doctor. yes, that doctor. the doctor for depression. psychologist, psychiatrist. at first, we didn't know why. we only knew that he's not like other people. he easily cries and when he gets upset or mad, his family knows it can't be good. charlie needs to be calmed down. breath, charlie, breath. people at his school didn't know he could be that bad, but once he was, they was dumbfounded. so yes, he was messed up, that we know. but why?

he had an aunt. but his aunt died. he loved his aunt so much, he said she was his favourite people in the world, even after she was gone. he remembered that she was the only one who hugged him. now, that's really sad. his aunt had issues, she was molested as a child, as adult she was abused by her boy friends, and she never could put her life together. charlie just seems to be really affected by his aunt. what happened?

"i walked up to my grandfather and gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. he wiped my lip print off with his palm and gave me a look. he doesn't like the boys in the family to touch him. but i'm very glad i did it anyway in case he dies. i never got to do that with my aunt helen"

that later we learned. charlie was born on christmas eve. so he usually got only one present for both occasions: birthday and christmas. his aunt died on chrismas eve. she was in a car accident. he remembered waiting for her to celebrate his birthday, but a police officer came instead, and his mom was crying. his aunt was dead? but that couldn't be. he only talked to her just a while ago. there must be a mistake, it was snowing badly out there, the police made a mistake because he couldn't see clearly. his mom left to identify the body. charlie was so sure that her aunt was still alive. until her mom came back, still crying. that's when he realized it was true; his favourite person in the world was dead. the next thing he knew, he was in a hospital. he couldn't remember anything else, like how badly he reacted after he accepted the truth.

but he also remembered, that before his aunt left, in the driveway before getting in the car, the last time he saw her, she whispered to him "i'm going to buy your birthday present."

yes, her aunt died because of him. it's either that which made him depress every christmas eve, or the sole reason that it's the anniversary of her death. on his birthday.

"that's the last time i ever saw her. i like to think my aunt helen would now have that good job she was studying for. i like to think she would have met  a good man. i like to think she would have lost the weight she always wanted to lose without dieting. despite everything my mom and doctor and dad have said to me about blame, i can't stop thinking what i know. and i know that my aunt helen would still be alive today if she just bought me one present like everybody else. she would be alive if i were born on a day that didn't snow. i would do anything to make this go away. i miss her terribly."

we thought that was all there was to charlie. we were wrong.

this is a coming-of-age story. it is about the transition from adolescence to adulthood. naturally there will be parts about what teenagers do when they feel like being adults. i wouldn't recommend it to anyone who is as innocent as charlie. so, the point is, charlie - after he was about to lose his innocence, which he didn't because he suddenly freaked out and cried for an unknown reason - dreamed of someone doing things to him. that someone was his aunt.

he later realized what happened when he was a little boy, and remembered what he forgot. i guess it's repression, that's what i learned in psychology. it means forgetting something to the point you don't even remember it ever happened, because your unconscious tells you so. because if your conscious is aware about it, it will be bad for you. because it was something bad. it's either that, or he actually didn't know what she was doing to him to register it happened, until he was reminded about it when he already understood what it was. that is why even when he was sixteen, his doctor always asked him about his childhood. he didn't understand why, he always recalled the same thing, and repeated the same thing. nothing new. little that he knew, the doctor was trying to make him remember what he forgot. psychology. hehe. k.

back to the point, that's so effed up.

this was when he discovered the truth :(

just imagine. you really love your aunt. your favourite person in the world. the only one who ever hugged you. the only one who bought you two presents; one for your birthday, another for christmas. when she died you were devastated, that you were diagnosed with depression. it never disappear even when you were a teenager. it shaped your personality, it affected your life. because she died on your birthday for buying your present. because you still love her so much even to this day. then you discover that all the time you spent with her when you were little, the time you loved because she let you stay up late, the time you got to spend with your favourite person, during all that time, she sexually abused you.

that's so effed up.


what would you do with the truth? what would your parents who were unsuspected do? what would your siblings who were untouched do? when someone all of you really love, did something so horrible to you?

write to me, charlie

after reading this page i hope with everything i could that it was not the last page. it would kill me if it was. not knowing what happened to charlie. it would be more real, but then the author would be cursed to death. luckily he could think better. so the next page, in the epilogue, we found out that charlie ended up staying in the hospital again. he finally figured out what's wrong with him.

but charlie got better. probably that was the closure he needed to get better. the most memorable moment in this story to me is probably when he still felt how much he loved his aunt helen for buying him two presents. he didn't blame her, he loved her all the same. and how he still addressed her "my aunt helen" because nothing really has changed, although everything actually has.

"it's like if i blamed my aunt helen, i would have to blame her dad for hitting her and the friend of the family who fooled around with her when she was little. and the person that fooled around with him. and god for not stopping all this and things that are much worse. and i did do that for a while, but then i just couldn't anymore. because it wasn't going anywhere. it wasn't the point."

charlie is such a beautiful character

book and movie ending.
just read what he wrote. charlie was indeed a beautiful character.

this story is a lot more than that, there are many other things worth noting. like his improved relationship with his sister because he always cared for her no matter whatever. like how his mom was always patient and nice to him when he had a fit and everyone gave up on him. like when his best friend, patrick, who was gay, was going through a hard time and he was always there for him, and when patrick kissed him because he wasn't thinking straight (pun!), charlie just let him, because charlie said that's what friends are for. and many other moments and little things.

this is a coming-of-age story seen from the eye of a teenager but told in a voice of an adult. i really love it. 

you are special even when you don't think you are, and that's okay if others don't think so too. what matters is you do. everyone has to live their own life and then share it with other people. it's not the question of living for other people or keeping to ourselves. care for others, but live for yourself. you can't be a wallflower forever, you have to do things, you have to participate, you have to bloom and grow. you love someone only when their happiness is more important than your own, but not doing anything about the person you love doesn't count as love. it's good to put things in perspective because there other other people who have it worse, but actually the only perspective is to really be there, because it's okay to feel things. even if others have it so much worse. you can blame other people for what happened to you, but the cycle of blame will never end, and you'll end up hating everyone, even god. you can decide what you will make happen instead. life doesn't stop where you want it to, people leave even when you don't want them to, but the moments will all be memories. so hold on to that while other things slip away with time. love people, appreciate them, care for them, and hope they are happy, so do things to make them happy. but make yourself happy too.

thank you charlie. for writing to me.

That's What You Missed, On Me!

ok ignore the tittle. bajet hidup cam Glee.

meh aku buat recap hidup aku dalam masa beberapa minggu ni

lepas final exam aku stay seminggu extra dekat akasia, sebab ada exam french. boleh je balik cam orang lain sebenarnya sebab kl ngan shah alam tu tak sampai sejam jaraknya tapi itu menjadi alasan aku untuk berlengah-lengah packing. dalam seminggu tu mak aku salu pesan start packing awal-awal sikit-sikit, tapi sudahnya jadi macam sem-sem sebelum ni jugak, aku tak tidur malam sebelum balik tu sebab packing last minute. mula packing pun pukul berapa pagi tah bila orang dah mula mimpi. this is a serious case of procrastination.

pastu ada hati lagi kata stay akasia sebab nak study SAT HAHAHAHAH AMA PLS. you should know yourself better. at least aku ada plan kan. terlaksana atau tidak plan itu bukan di tangan aku. kah kah kah k. so selama seminggu tu aku lebih banyak menyendiri. pergh. ada je kawan yang stay jugak, tapi aku tengah dalam keadaan yang aku rasa lagi elok la aku bawak diri. pergh poyo. but doesn't make it less true... hmm. blok semua gelap tidak berpenghuni, dataran sepi tidak berbunyi. nasib baik aku bukan penakut atau paranoid. belum lagi la setakat ni kat sini. dan harapnya kekal begitu. akasia memang terasa sunyi, tapi aku buat diri tak rasa sunyi. aku teman diri sendiri.

sebenarnya lebih best seksyen 18 shah alam tanpa dak-dak intec, har har. aku dapat jalan sengsorang makan sengsorang tanpa disapa "eh, sorang je?" suka hati aku laaa nak lepak sorang puuun. i like being alone. but i don't like when people make me feel lonely. i feel free and independent in a way, and i like that. i like being charge of my own self.

in a way it feels good, staying here longer. I feel like i have the college and seksyen 18 all to myself without familiar faces everywhere every now and then. you are without a doubt your own best company. but over time you will still feel like you have no choice but to convince yourself that it's enough being alone and you're content on your own. it feels like i'm the only survivor in a town attacked by zombies or epidemic or apocalypse. good thing this town has good food.

i can go wherever i want. and eat whatever i want.

and that's enough. i need a change sometimes.

or sometimes i need to adapt to a change.

things can't always stay the same.

but some things never change (i still camwhore, and i'm still short-sighted when i don't wear contact lens)

(and hazirah and i still sweet-sweet)

(and fangirl over beautiful people and sweet couples)

since we're in the screen shots part of the day

i will need this whenever i have low self-esteem lol. look at what he said. as if he never hit on me 30 times already over the pass 3 sems. and i thought me sleeping is seducing. should change my strategy then. HAHAHAHA. nah, it's all for good humour. we both understand it without having to explain, since i understand guys. some girls have misunderstood anyway. but he's actually really loyal to who he's in love with. when he talks about her he makes you feel what a lucky girl she is because he really knows what she's worth and really values her. fauzan is my classmate. he is one of a kind. a kind with whom i can play along whenever we get into characters, and get along whenever we be ourselves. he's the kind who wants to talk to everyone at least once a day, and even talk to people he doesn't know as if he's known them forever. some people say i'm quiet but he said i'm loud, maybe because i can talk about many things with him and when i make jokes he actually finds it funny haha, so i can be crazy with people who make me feel comfortable. whenever he does his things i just say "fauzan being fauzan." he's a lot of things. but overall, a good kind :)

anyway

after exam french, ku sangka ku akan pulang, namun malaaaaaaang

biarlah gambar berbicara

tu one of favourite aku kat rafi. apa kau ingat aku makan secret recipe ke hari-hari?

i tak high maintenance ok, dont worry hahaha.

bila aku makan sorang aku cari tempat tenang, contohnya rafi dan secret recipe.

yang ada ceruk tak banyak orang, tu la tempat aku bertandang.

setelah seminggu beberapa hari, aku pulang jua. boleh gila gak ah lelama dok akasia sebenarnya. especially sebab aku dah tak balik sebulan seminggu time tu. pecah rekod kot. first time balik one hundred percent public transport dari shah alam sampai lembah keramat, serius terasa sangat balik kampung! ok biarlah nak batak sikit. haish kasi can ah. teruja nak balik tu special oh, serious. the moment lega dapat teksi kat shah alam tu sampai teruja dapat teksi nak ke lembah keramat, pergh. semua orang patut ada pengalaman ini. aku dah ada. so pasni bolehlah ada pengalaman drive pulak kot kekeke.

aku tak habis cerita lagi pasal aku fefeling balik kampung ni, padahal balik bandar sebenarnya. ah takpe ah. when you look outside the window of your cab, and see pass the streets, from the trees walking alongside your train to the skyscrapers running to catch up with your lrt, when klcc finally comes into sight, and more familiar views catch your eyes, you just smile in the back seat, and when you finally arrive, you thank the taxi driver, this time for bringing you home :)

really, it did give me the sense of coming home, more than ever before.

bila dah sampai rumah rasa nak jerit "ibu anakmu pulang!" lulz

lagipun aku suka naik public transport sekarang sebab aku suka pergi kl sentral. i love places which remind me that everyone has - if not a purpose - a destination, and at these places, the two are just the same. people are moving, in a fast pace, or slow as they look for directions, but moving regardless. and i like that. i just feel pumped up in these places and besides KLIA, kl sentral gives me these good goosebumps.

and kl sentral got good food, so i like that too. hehe. orang balik kampung beli buah di tepi jalan untuk si ibu, aku balik bandar beli famous amos. same la tu. lihat context ye.

ktm/lrt/cablag beberapa hari, jadi start study SAT pun lima hari sebelum sat (the exam and the day). kalian harus faham yang bila aku kata aku start study, maksudnya aku start tahu apa itu SAT dari zero. 0. kosong. kosong.... kosong. k. itu pun aku sempat (mampu (hadap (sanggup (cuba)))) baca format dia dan teknik menjawab je. practice test langsung aku tak buat kecuali satu practice test yang website SAT tu kasi. tu kalau tak buat gak memang teruk sangat lah kan. dan aku takdelah teruk sangat... er.

don't blame me i had uni application to submit too!!!

terima kasih daniol kerana thorlong menjadi saksi

tetiba je dah hari kelima untuk aku prepare, yang bermaksud hari seterusnya ialah hari peperangan. namun begitu, hari kelima dihabiskan di atas jalan, jadi memang tak ah aku nak membaca atas kereta. i ada motion sickness you. i tak pernah paham camne mama i boleh selamber john je baca paper dalam kereta.

KL-Perak-Penang.

sebab SAT aku ambik kat Penang (saje gedik) dan sebab kat perak ada anak sedara baby baru!!! actually takdela gedik mana, aku dapat ramalkan dia akan lahir masa aku nak sat, bijak tak, jadi aku saje nak buat kat penang so on the way tu boleh tengok dia, bijak, bijak (dan-dan).

hai!!! saya qebal. saya ada dua abang, nama dorang kemal dan kewan. dorang bising.

saya ada ayu. nama dia ayu. dia ayu. lolololololol k.

budak ni demam kuning masa ni, sebab tu kaler dia camtu. sebbaik kecik lagi kalau tak dah lama aku... heh heh heh. sekarang, hanya ini yang mampu. berayu-ayu bersama anak saudaraku. kakakah

"pandangla kemere, shenyumla plish ayu nak mashok belok ni"

"tanakkk, bluwekkk"

"ko tecik-tecik dah pandai melawan en, nanti ko, jap ayu shenyum dulu - pandangla kemere qebal!!!" 

"malash nak layan"

em................. moving on

...... KE PENANG!!!

lagi satu sebab sebenarnya.... aku tak pernah pergi penang. ye. of all places in the world. penang aku tak pernah pergi. betapa rugi hidupku selama ini. abang aku pun dah lama kata kesian aku, nanti dia bawak jenjalan gi pulau pinang. dah lama dia tu ada la beberapa tahun.

aku rasa aku pernah round penang dulu masa babah ada, sebab abang-abang aku annoying dorang suka bajet sentimental pasal benda yang aku tak berapa nak ingat, so aku tau la aku pernah pergi masa kecik cuma tak ingat. jadi kalini bila aku lalu atas jambatan pulau pinang tu, EKSAITED BAK HANGGG!!! fes taim cek lalu ataih lauuuuuuut! padan la loqlaq sikiiiiiiit! *hujung ayat tu kena panjang beberapa harakat, tarannum penangite style sebelum wakaf nooo* tak sia-sia cheq blajaq cakap utagha, tak dapat kawen ngan crush orang penang dapat pi penang pun cukup laaaa hihihihihi *gelak mami jarum*

malam tu aku terus tak sihat. tu la eksaited lagi, kan dah kena sampuk hantu laut ke semangat penang ke apa tah sampai demam selsema. takdelah, sebenarnya dah memang tak sihat sejak sebelum sampai penang lagi, jadi tak perlu pape exorcism di sini. nasib baik tempat kitorang duduk tu ada satu bilik takde aircond, mak aku panggil bilik bibik sebab kecik je, cuma ada katil, iron board dengan kipas. comel je pihak hotel menitikberatkan kebajikan pembantu rumah. atau keluarga yang anak ramai. atau adik beradik yang tak boleh berkongsi bilik sebab berlainan jantina. atau orang yang tak tahan aircond sebab tak sihat. jadi dalam bilik itulah aku mengurung diri semalaman bawah selimut yang ketat supaya terasa hangat.

makan ubat, tido, bangun, tak rasa sihat, tapi perjuangan harus diteruskan!

jumpa tiga orang classmate di situ, dua orang penang (daniel dan ceka), sorang kedah (wani). semua "apa aku buat dengan hidup aku", "what have i been doing with my life", "apa aku buat kat sini", "apa aku buat selama ni". tapi perjuangan harus diteruskan!

jumpa lagi beberapa orang dak intec yang tak dikenali. aku nampak dorang je terus bisik kat member "intec detected." pastu gegelak. itulah highlight of the day. jangan tanya aku sat camne. tu tengokla nak highlight ke tak bila kuar result nanti. hahaha.

masa nak balik tu aku turun sorang. kebetulan aku masuk lif dengan intec detected tadi, yang semuanya lelaki. ada gak laki lain dalam lif tu. dalam lif tu aku sorang je perempuan. aku bila nak avoid awkward moment, aku avoid eye contact. so aku buat dek jela kat dak-dak intec tu. taktaula dorang kenal aku ke tak. tapi kalau dorang kenal, dan rasa nak buat ramah, dorang la yang kena tegur aku dulu kan? aku sorang kot. dorang ramai. pe cer aku tetiba nak hai. cite dia sekarang bila aku cite kat abang aku, dia tanya asal aku camtu. habis tu?!

aku tak sombong lah, tapi aku pun bukan la manusia paling peramah dalam dunia.

aku taknaklah orang ingat aku perengus ke poyo ke apa.

tapi aku ni pompuan, dorang tu laki.

kalau sorang takpe gak.

aku ok je laaa tsk.

aku suka pantai. suka gila. suka tahap dulu pernah berangan nak berumah di tepi pantai. kalau takut dilambung ombak jangan berumah di tepi pantai? ala takat kena lambung ombak apa ada hal. tapi tanggal 26 disember 2004, baru aku faham apa makna dilambung ombak sebenarnya. terus harapan tinggal angan-angan. tak dapat berumah di tepi pantai, bersummer house pun jadilah. amboi.

ok that's all for now.

here's the review of the next episode!

kidding i'm not Glee, just tuned in ok

Acquaintances Connecting

I don't know who i am anymore, i'm not the person i used to be.

never judge people, ever. i kept this close to heart, but in some cases i still found it intolerable and unjustifiable to use your background story as an explanation to why you behave a certain way, let alone as an excuse. but now i know. now i understand better. never underestimate any reason, ever.

now i know, maybe they become who they are for a reason, i don't know what is theirs, but i know mine. i certainly have a reason why i changed. i was once changed to be hard. now, i have been changed to be flexible. yes, i was and have been, because i didn't make up my mind to change, even my mind is having troubles making sense of this change. i'm just, different.

maybe i didn't change. i just need a break from being me. maybe i will be the old ama again.

my life is a series of contradictions. i contradict myself from time to time.

my life is episodes of ironies. i'm an irony.

i'm in the phase of life which i find that my roles have been reversed with those of other people in my past. it is so weird. i do things i didn't do before, but someone else might have done. the things which i questioned and objected, but now i'm doing it. you'll never know.

everything is indeed, about and depends on, timing.

something which didn't work before, maybe it was because of timing. and when something quite similar comes again, you would think it won't work too. but maybe it will this time, because of timing. someone who is so closed up might be repulsive to any outside attempt to break the wall, build the bridge, and come in. but because of timing, that someone can be receptive, open up, and let it in. like petals of a flower which open up at dawn, blooming in a long awaited morning. of course, petals, and people, open up because of reasons. reasons which grow in the nest of time.

the question is who will be there when the guard comes down? it's all about timing. wrong timing, right timing. the only thing is, once the timing is right, the situation might not be so. but timing can set it right again. if only you believe in time.

the clock which once stands still, has started ticking.

and i'm talking about friendship, in case anybody's wondering.

maybe nothing is wrong with being a new person, or even wanting to be someone different. everything i didn't do before isn't necessarily wrong. not doing it doesn't mean it was right. doing it now doesn't make me wrong. i'm doing what i didn't want to do, and it doesn't have to be either wrong or right. i just do what i feel like doing.

i could never relate to Summer. how she never wanted anything serious, how she didn't believe in love, how she didn't care about the label because it was fun and "who cares?", how she could dance with a guy when she was about to get married to another guy, and when asked why, she answered "because i wanted to". i couldn't really relate to that, to Summer's devil-may-care-way, to Summer's i-do-what-i-want-because-i-want-to, to Summer. but now, i guess i can.

it ain't a crime to be friend with someone who throws me with all kinds of adjectives: kerek, poyo, garang, cruel, heartless, mean, intriguing, interesting, weird, eccentric and other adjectives i've never been described as. it ain't a crime to be friend with someone whom i give a kind of vibe to. someone who receives the vibe i didn't know i had, maybe because only certain people could feel it. maybe because that's the only person who feels it. and nothing is wrong with befriending someone who can feel me.

the world will go against this, i would go against this, even i was against this before, but now i go along with it. so i guess it's us against the world. it's not as if i'm naive, in fact i am fully aware of the consequences of doing this. so still doing it is like walking into a battlefield with full knowledge of what awaits me.

where i was befriended, when i never wanted to befriend before,

where all my rules were bended, the principles i hold strong not long ago

in this friendship, i defy the reasonable principles and silly rules i've had all this time in deterring other attempts. the reasons for being friends, and the way of being friends. what has always been my excuse to escape, now binds me to it. it's not like i haven't tried to escape, and i did escape, throughout this one year. but now, i'm not running away anymore. no, i'm not giving in. but sometimes, some things defy your own logic. this is one of it.

maybe this is to show me that i can't say what is right or what is wrong, what i want to do or won't do. because i might be wrong with what i think is right. now i'm forced to eat my own word and see from the point of view of something i refused to do. i knew this has happened to me before, changing my stand as something changed my mind, so i knew not to be too strong on what is not so wrong, but i didn't think it would happen again. i guess this is only living, and learning.

people say i'm a person with principles. but changing your principle, doesn't make you any less than the person you are, right?

this is supposed to be bad. but it doesn’t feel bad. i can’t help this feeling, nor can i help not feeling what i’m supposed to feel. but i can’t help what i feel and what i feel, is not bad.

this is the point when other people would tell me i’m doing something stupid and would say “told cha” later and even my conscience is telling me “stop it” before i regret listening to my heart instead of my head, or rather, my new self, the free soul. but heck it. at some point in life you’ve gotta do something stupid, with full awareness of how stupid it is.

i just hope what awaits me will not be that bad. because how bad can it be when it doesn’t feel so bad?

about two weeks ago, i wrote something about not going to keep doing what i was doing, but now, i say suck it. and yes, it will suck. but that is later, and this is now. and now feels good.

about two weeks ago, i said to myself, "i'm only looking for fun. i won't get hurt." yes, i was right about that. but i was wrong too. i won't get hurt for the reason i thought would have hurt me if i was the old ama, before i've embodied this spirit of Summer who's only looking for fun and doesn't mind being given only fun in return, but now if i get hurt it might be for a whole different reason. this isn't just "fun" anymore. this has been more.

a few days ago, i said to myself, "i'm happy now. i'm genuinely happy." the second after that, i had to hold my tears. i didn't know what happened. was it due to the fact that i might be lying to myself? or was it because it was true, and the very thought of me being happy now implied that i was not happy before, the feeling of being happy now amplified the feeling of not being happy just about a while ago. like it was rare, like saying i'm happy shows that happiness is there. when happiness shouldn't be something you notice and have to tell yourself, hey, you're happy! it shouldn't be that way.

i know this happiness is temporary. i chose it even when i knew it. even though i said i will do what i want to do and i don't care, who the hell was i kidding. this is me. i will care. i thought i could live that way, but then i realized, this temporary happiness will have to end soon, and it's not gonna be pleasant once this guilty pleasure comes to an end. but this new me chose to say, let's just worry about it when the time comes.

i will worry about it when i let it end, if it will end, and it is more likely to end than us getting what we want all at once. we can't always get what we want right? that person might have to make a choice, and i know better to choose happiness for them, and that is when i'm out of the picture. my trust issues have led to more issues, putting other people in misery, and i will let it end because i want that person to be happy.

this time i get into a friendship knowing i will get out of it. yes nothing lasts forever, heck almost nothing even lasts for a year, but this time it will end quicker than i let it begin. this time it's not even because of usual reasons like growing apart or falling apart. this time it will end because it has to, and we're aware of that.

just because it is not necessary, doesn't mean it cannot be. things happen and people change. so now i just let it be.

i do not officially call this a friendship, because it will end before it will officially begin. i did not want to call this a friendship then because i really didn't want to be friends, but now i do not want to call it a friendship because i actually do not want to have another ex-friend. i no longer keep my distance, but i keep the tittle at bay, because it will be easier that way.

it better be easy, because i don't get attached easily and being alone doesn't make me lonely. i can make contact and cut connections just like that. i get bored with people fairly quickly and prefer my own company. all that applies unless you're somebody to me. this person is not yet a somebody. but you can not deny the effects of somebody with whom you've gone to a place you never explored with anybody else. you can not deny the effects of somebody who witness you change to be the new you. you can not deny the effects of somebody whom you've reached that part of conversation with. of course you will be affected.

but i hope i will only be affected for a day.

i call it by a different term because this, whatever it is, is different. i call it acquaintances connecting. but it is more than the connection i have in most friendships, and once it is disconnected, i will be affected. even for a bit. even for a while. because how can you not be affected when you meet someone which is one of a kind?

i once said to myself, "i thought you were different! turned out you're just the same." but now it's the other way around, i corrected myself, saying "i thought you were just the same! turned out you are different."
from the overused cliche, it turns to something you don't hear everyday.

it is hard to find someone who can pull off a decent conversation, sometimes random, sometimes about weird shits, and most importantly sometimes deep. it is hard to find someone who talks like a fictional character and when you both talk it feels like reading a fiction, you even have your own fictional names. it is hard to find someone you enjoy talking to, you have three-paragraph conversations it feels like writing a novel. it is hard to find someone who enjoys talking to you with no ulterior motive to get something more than just talking, and of course pages of replies. it is hard to find someone with whom you have a mutual liking to keep things interesting and embrace how everything is too weird for anything to be awkward. it is hard to find someone who is impressed by you when you never even try to impress them since the day you met but which you were oblivious about and only find out a year later. it is hard to find someone whom you share a certain natural talent with, and you use it with each other without being misunderstood. it is hard to find someone whom when you talk to for the first time you both get along well like you've known each other long enough, and i think chemistry can be felt in the first five minutes and proven in one year indeed.

just because you aren't aware of anything, doesn't mean it's not happening. and your oblivion together with the person's determination can start something even better than the initial motivation to create the connection, like a friendship.

give a chance, although not your trust. because a chance will gain your trust. and a chance and trust can give you so much more, you can gain a lot. i'm sorry that my defence mechanism is i don't trust people. it has cost me more than i thought.

and i thought i was cursed, by meeting yet another person of the type, one after another who acts just like that.

i was wrong. i was wrong all along. and i'm glad i was. i have been blind, i have been unkind. i have let my misgiving lead to misunderstanding. i have let other people's mistake cause two people's heartache. i have been a fool for fear of being a fool. i have let my issues get to my virtues. i have let the worst of people get the best of others, even of me. i have been guilty.

i've learnt that just because something is common sense to me, doesn't mean it is to someone else. just because i know better, doesn't mean those who say they don't are a liar. just because it is impossible to be that naive, doesn't mean they are up to mischief. just because someone sounds too good to be true, doesn't mean they are not too good to be true. just because i can't trust people, doesn't mean they cannot be trusted. just because a person is too nice, doesn't mean they are nice for a reason. just because i thought i had it all figured out from experience, doesn't mean this one is not an exception. just because i can't see what people see, doesn't mean they pretend to see it. just because someone is weird enough to see something weird about me which they like, doesn't mean they lie.

there is such a thing as a sincere interest to get to know somebody. there is such a thing as a genuine happiness to be friend with somebody. there is such a thing as being interested and happy caused by something platonic and not romantic. there are always such things way beyond our understanding and acceptance, not until it we feel.

i want to have fun. after much seriousness and getting nothing in return for being emotionally invested, i'm tired. so now i'm looking for fun. let me define fun. fun is letting myself free, just do what i want, follow my heart and not think too much, just live life as it is and go with the flow. fun is me taking a new approach in life. and fun is only doing this, because i'm still the same old ama in every other aspect. oh maybe another aspect is how i now like to take public transport and go anywhere i want without any fear of anything, being lost to be found in a new place, my own kind of adventurous. to be honest i haven't really felt happy for a while, but now i am happy. being happy is fun.

so i don't think looking for fun is that wrong, as i once thought it was.
and i still didn't find what i was looking for by being serious.

i'm learning to give a chance and trust.

i'm starting to trust this person not to bring me to darkness,
just like i'm starting to trust taxi drivers not to take me to dangers.
i need to start giving a chance to these people in this world.
to this person who might live to what they're saying,
to the taxi drivers who might just try to make a living.

i am happy, although i know it is temporary. but i am happy and at this moment it is all that matters, even what awaits me may be sadness. happiness, always cause sadness, just like how sadness emphasized happiness.

but i will do this to make other people happy, and that will make me happy. i know i won't be sad. but if i will, like happiness which can last for a day, i hope sadness lasts shorter than that.

“Whatever comes, let it come. What stays, let it stay. What goes, let it go.” - unknown

and to be honest, i still hope i was right about the devil, and now i'm wrong about the angel

because it will still be easier to believe, and it will sure be easier to leave

"Ghosts can stare at me straight in the eyes and i won't see a thing. Love, can also stare at me straight in the eyes and i won't recognize it. Or admit that i recognize it."

"Why are you having trouble acknowledging what's in front of you? Love is love, friendship is friendship. It does feel better to think of it as it is. Screw whatever it might be in the future! Live your life and feel it as it is at present."

this acquaintances connecting is already too weird to be awkward, and too awkward to begin with to be weirder. 

maybe i'll learn from this. i'll learn to trust.

"I can't even trust my own heart, how can i trust others?"

"You have serious trust issues. But then, I can't blame you. But I think you can give yourself a new chance. Start by trusting your own heart? "

and i know i'll learn more than that, for i'm already learning more.

this is a forbidden friendship, and all we can do is imagine the things we could do if this was a parallel universe.

J & J.

Ignorance Is My Very Own Defence Mechanism

recently i just realized, if i'm mad at someone, or offended, or annoyed, or hurt, or whatever, i have my own ways of not showing it. but by not showing it i might unintentionally show it all the same. actually i'm not even sure what feeling causes me to do this.

that whatever feeling causes me to ignore that person. recently it happened with different people and i didn't realize it until somebody pointed out that we're 'different'. that somebody would know how we usually are. if i have a problem with anyone, people will not know about it. i don't usually talk about them behind their back, i only vent my heartache but now rarely as i feel like i have no confidant, i no longer update emo obvious statuses. i might blog about it though... 

trust me, i try not to be cruel. the cruelest i get is being ignorant. even then i will show that i still care, again.
but if being ignorant is cruel, then forgive me. 

when i don't talk about it, or the person doesn't want to talk about it, and we pretend nothing happened, it will take its toll. we can pretend everything's fine, like you didn't do anything and i didn't do anything back and we didn't make each other mad, we can let it go and just drop it, but it will take its toll. without realizing it, we'll fall apart. because of what? because of nothing or everything all at once. bit by bit, keep it and it builds a volcano. something we hide, it will burn our inside. without realizing it, i will want to be away from the person. because being with them, silently burns. so anything it is, no matter how small, or awkward, or serious, if it needs to be talked about, just talk. or you and that person will never talk again. it will never be the same.

that was kinda out of topic, but still relevant.

anyway. when i had a fight with my brother with whom i was usually cool with and it went that bad for the first time, my mother noticed how i acted as if he didn't exist. when my guy classmate with whom i considered myself to be super cool with offended me despite all the times he made jokes and apologized for his sense of humour which i never took to heart but that one time i was hurt because i knew he wasn't joking, my girl classmate noticed how i acted as if he didn't exist. other people didn't even know about it. only witness of the incident, or those who are observant, or someone who just knows us.

my mother, my girl classmate, and people in general should know that i don't sulk. aku bukan budak kecik lagi, takde masa lah nak merajuk mintak kena pujuk ni. aku dah besar, sekarang aku tau rasa marah rasa meyampah je. jadi aku jauhkan diri, sebab aku taknak rasa benda camni. i never meant to let people know, i never wanted to let it show. but it's just something i do, or don't do, without realizing it. i don't even think about it, because when i do it will semakkan kepala otak aku serabutkan hati perasaan aku, so i don't think about it means i don't think about that person. until, out of the blue, people ask me

kau kenapa dengan dia?

ha? kenapa apa? takde apa pun

jangan tipu lah

serious lah, macam biasa je

macam biasa lah sangat

habis nak macam mana lagi?

macam dulu lah! sekarang lain

lain macam mana

tak bercakap.

dah takde apa yang nak dicakapkan.

yelah tapi dulu mesti ada jugak bercakap!

tak rasa nak bercakap.

nampak tau korang lain.

kau je yang rasa camtu.

yelah aku risau lah

siapa suruh fikir pasal kitorang!

sebab korang pun macam tak kisah!

takde apa nak risau. 

sampai bila korang nak macam ni?

alah nanti ok lah.

kalau takkan ok macam mana?

akan. bila? biar masa je menentukan.

pergh.

to me it's simple. everything will be okay in the end. whenever the end is, it will be okay. so now i just let it be. i used to care about these things, but now i'm tired. i'm lazy. i don't want to think about anything, when everything was all i ever thought about. now, to me, why would i care about people who don't care about me? yes i care about them nonetheless, but if the proof of them not thinking about me is there, then why should i still care? why should i think about them? it hurts thinking they don't care about me, so it's better to not think at all. i never meant to make it obvious that hey, you're there, but i'm not looking at ya let alone talking to ya haha i don't care about ya! all i have in my mind is i don't want to look at them and i don't want to talk to them, that's all. i never meant to hurt them if they realized it. but then again, did they even care that i didn't care about them? 

imagine me walking and sitting and eating at the same table and going to the library and being in the same house together with the person, but i appear to be blind, deaf and even mute to their existence. i'm so bad. even i surprise myself with my own nonchalance. i didn't think i could be this bad. this might be nothing to them, just like how i made it nothing to me, but there will be someone who thinks about everything. orang tengah yang kisah pasal kitorang yang risau lebih sampai tak tido malam fikir jauh gila sampai marah kitorang sebab kitorang jadi camni sedangkan kitorang dua tido lena. aku pun taktau kenapa aku camni, hati aku dah jadi kering sangat ke? tapi masih ada hati. tu yang penting. siram sikit, basahla balik. when i ignore, i don't feel mad, offended, annoyed, hurt, or whatever. when i start to think, it all comes back. so ignorance is bliss.

my brother will always be my brother, and my classmate will always be my classmate... for one sem and a half when it happened. so to me, nak tak nak, kita akan jumpa jugak. kita kena bercakap jugak. nanti semua oklah. biar reda dulu. biar lupa. biar dah lama. kita takleh lari. raya sama, belajar sama. but i realized the shit got worse when even raya sama, belajar sama pun, i still acted as if they weren't there.

muka aku macam lembut, tapi sebenarnya plot twist: aku keras.

aku memang keras, tapi sebenarnya plot twist lagi: hati aku lembut.

so.... muka menggambarkan hati dan bukan peribadi? lol.

even my mom said, "muka je macam lembut." i don't know what to take that as.

the harsh world can either make you tough or make you hard, or both.

this is so not who i used to be. now i find myself being a different person than who i was in many ways. 

i don't think about people because when i do, i care. so i take the ignorance is bliss approach. because if you care, you might get hurt. when my mom talked to me about my brother, i cried. when my girl classmate talked to me about my guy classmate, i almost cried. before they made the intervention, i lived my life as usual, the only difference was the exception of not talking to one person, and that was fine with me. i was not at all bothered. i knew what i was doing was wrong, but it's the only thing i could do. my ego stopped me from saying sorry or even talking first to them who hurt me. but when i didn't do that, i could have hurt them too. and that's when i really had to say sorry. shit i feel like crying. i am not close to my brothers, but it was the brother with whom i was close enough in my poor definition of sister-brother relationship. i am not close to guys, but of all guys, it just had to happen to someone i care about like a brother, and i don't hesitate to say i love as a friend.

so yeah. where was i? ignoring people. yes, so i ignore people and forgive me if i ever ignore you.

but i can also not care at all. so sincerely forgive me if i genuinely don't.

Old Jiwang Songs

it's Ronan Keating, Brian McFadden, and Daniel Bedingfield kinda night. those were the good things in life. those are gold.

dalam banyak-banyak malam, malam ni jugaklah aku ternostalgia dengar lagu dorang. ternostalgia ye, tak sengaja. dari dengar mp3 lama, tetiba bukak youtube, tau-tau je dah sejam dua aku ulang tengok benda sama dengar benda sama sampai studynya ke mana. nampak tak penangan mereka. hmm ke yang nampak jelas kemalasan aku hmm.

takdela lama sangat pun, adalah dalam 10 tahun. nak lagi lama nanti aku keluarkan lagu 50-an ok? takde hal aku ada je special folder untuk lagu seklasik itu. yang ni semua lagu zaman sekolah rendah. tak mengalami tapi memahami. aku kan punya sifat empati yang tinggi, hihi. sampai sekarang aku rasa tiga lagu ni akan sentiasa jadi favourite aku sampai mati. wah begitu sekali. serious ah. lagu lama memang lagi best daripada lagu baru, tapi lagu-lagu ni antara yang terbest daripada semua lagu. haaa.

marilah bernostalgia sesama.

When You Say Nothing At All - Ronan Keating

The smile on your face

Lets me know that you need me

There's a truth in your eyes

Saying you'll never leave me

The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall.

You say it best when you say nothing at all

this is one of the songs yang memang dihafal begitu sahaja tanpa usaha. tetiba je ternyanyi sama. biasanya lagu lama la yang camni kan, aku lagu melayu mana tah zaman bila pun taktau, sape nyanyi pun tak kenal, dengar sikit terus boleh sambung nyanyikan. misteri bagaimana lagu boleh melekat begitu mudah dalam kepala tapi ilmu dan quran tidak ye. takpe jangan rasa bersalah dulu, meh ke lagu seterusnya hahaha keji. tapi lagu ni cam jahat. i say it best when i say nothing at all? kfine.

jap, Ronan Keating ni hensem gila dah kenapa. masa dia angkat kening bila sebut "the touch of your hand tu", at the word touch kening dia terangkat, weh kenapa.

Brian McFadden featuring Delta Goodrem - Almost Here

Did I hear you right

'Cause I thought you said

Let's think it over

You have been my life

And I never planned

Growing old without you

..........

Haven't I always loved you?

But when I need you

You're almost here

And I know that's 

Not enough

But when I'm with you

I'm close to tears

'Cause you're only almost here

...........

Haven't I always loved you?

But when I need you, you're almost here

(Well I never knew how far behind I'd left you)

And when I hold you, you're almost here

(Well I'm sorry that I took our love for granted)

(Now I'm with you, I'm close to tears

'Cause I know I'm almost here)

Only almost here

AKU SUKA GILA LAGU NI. SUKA NAK MATI. FAHAM TAK CINTA. CINTA SANGAT NI.

sampai sekarang aku selalu dengar lagu ni. dulu aku siap bayangkan music video dia. budak darjah empat tuuu. tapi dah memang tahap imaginasi aku tinggi, hihi. kalau aku bayangkan mv, mv aku lagi best daripada mv sebenar. lagu apa pun kasi la, sampai kengkadang i blow my own mind hahaha. kalau aku jadi pengarah dah lama aku kaya aku rasa.

 tengok music video ni, cam sweet kan. tapi try dengar tanpa mv, lagu ni sedih sebenarnya ohh. aku rasa aku pernah nangis dengar lagu ni, padahal takde kaitan ngan hidup aku pun. takdela cubala korang bayangkan! ish.  pasti terkesan di hati lulz. suara dorang main peranan nyanyi pun cam sedih je, dahlah kisah lagu ni pun memang sedih sebenarnya. dorang macam berbalas cakap paham tak, yelah dah nama pun duet kan daaa. 

laki tu sayang pompuan tu tapi pompuan tu tak dapat rasa kasih sayangnya. perempuan tu mintak "let's think it over." laki tu terkejut, eh tapi "you have been my life?" pastu dia persoalkan kenapa sebab "haven't i always loved you?" pompuan tu jawab ye laa memangla kau sayang aku tapi kau takde bila aku perlukan kau, tak cukup setakat sayang je. kalau kau ada dengan aku pun, aku rasa cam nak nangis "cause you're only almost here". you're here, but only almost. not really. akhirnya laki tu faham, dia kata "i never knew how far behind i left you, i'm sorry that i took our love for granted." kali ni dia pulak yang cakap "now i'm with you, i'm close to tears, cause i know i'm almost here, only almost.... here."

dia sedar salah dia, tapi dah terlambat. sedih kan :'( mv imaginasi aku, ending dia sedih tak hepi camni :'(

perempuan ni cantik gila, lembut je muka dia rasa cam aish kau begitu sempurna.

Daniel Bedingfield - If You're Not The One 

I never know what the future brings

But I know you're here with me now

We'll make it through and I hope

You are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand

If I'm not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that I am?

Is there anyway that I can stay in your arms?

...........

And I wish that you could be the one I die with

And I pray that you're the one I build my home with

I hope I love you all my life

pertama sekali, lagu ni terbaik. lagi satu lagu yang tau-tau je dah terhafal chorus menghayati gila sampailah part high pitch yang tak mampu nak tandingi. kedua, AKU GELAK TENGOK MV NI! TERUS TAK FEELING!! sumpah kelakaaar, nampak sangat lagu lama. dia buat macam-macam gaya. tak awkward ke depan camera sengsorang camtu, tengok diri sendiri kat tv camtu. takpelah bang, asal lagu kau sedap. aku rasa lagi power kalau dia just pandang camera dengan mata berair dia tu daripada diselubungi efek guruh dan bayang-bayang siap terpelanting terjatuh segala. tapi okla gak, boleh terasa cintanya itu hahaha. amaran kepada penonton di rumah: untuk efek jiwang maksima, sila jangan tonton music video ini.

lagu ni  menakutkan sebenarnya. amaran kepada penjiwang tegar: jangan nak if you're not the one sangat. "I love you whether it's wrong or right"? heh mana boleh camtu! bahaya lagu ni. bagi harapan palsu. tapi best!

aku paling suka part "i hope i love you all my life" tu, dia sebut satu-satu ;)

these were my childhood. lol. 

kawen nanti nak pasang ah. kbye.

*masukkan dalam list*

Forget Fate, Trust Time

You can't make someone stop loving anybody, just like how you can't stop the feeling yourself. but try. at least, try.

To those who need to forget, try pushing the person out of your heart. Try starving the memory in your mind. Try erasing their trace in your life. Try being blind. To those who need to be forgotten, try ignoring the person's existence. try carving the bold line. try being mute and deaf. try being cruel to be kind.

Whichever you are, you can do so much as try. 

In the end, you don't own anybody's heart and nobody owns yours. The heart will turn, the only matter is when. Forget or not, love or loss. The Turner of Hearts will decide. You've fallen hard, so pray hard to heal the pain, to fly again. In the end, fly or fall, at least you can say "at least i tried."

but if you haven't tried hard enough, and if you don't really want to forget, then you have no right to say it's fate. if you are still trying and you haven't forgotten, keep being tough and just stay patient. one day, before you even know it, it will fade away. you have my word. i don't know for how long you will have to suffer, but after a while everything will disappear. you have His word. every soul was created with a mate, in this world each will find their way back to each other.

if it still doesn't disappear, if you still don't find a way back to another...

you have no option but wait. trust time.

time here, is not for you to wait for the person's heart to change, but for your own heart to turn. not for you to hope even more, but to forget the false hope of fate. you never know, even if your heart is set. you don't know if that person is for you, just like that person doesn't know if you are not for them. here, you both are equal, the wanderers in this world. we even have to pray for our heart to stay firm with our faith, then why do we expect the qalb - 'that which turn' - to stay the same with something as vague as the so called love?

Instead of letting the person go, let yourself free. Instead of seeing if they will come back, see if you will.

i know it's hard. i know it kills you inside. i know it breaks your heart. i know it hurts.
and now you must know that i speak as someone who has been through all this.

so now you know, you can trust me when i say it will all be okay.

i'm sorry i can't give you more, i can only give you my word.
but if my word isn't enough, you have His.

i did many things, but this i didn't do to you. 

forgive me for everything else, but not this.

please, loosen your grip on what makes your palm bleed.

you've got nothing to lose, you've got nothing to miss.

because some roses are more thorny.
and i am just me.