Blog, I Still. Read, You Will.

Assalamualaikum. yes, i am still alive. if anyone cares. no one does. so i don't (?)

belum pape dah emo.

ok so, this blog hasn't been updated for two months! like wuuut right??? i used to like, blog twice a day, but now i can't even blog once? who are you and what have you done to keretapi?! er hey guys... it's still me. the same old ama who loves to write, to blog, to pour her opinions and emotions out, even not much, but still does. so what gives?

it's not because of my current A-Level life. sumpah serius gentle jujur aku cakap, aku takdelah busy sangat. aku lek je kot online hari-hari stalking hari-hari oops. kalau nak up one post per day pun cam takde hal lah. if i want to... the thing is i don't want to.

"OMG WHAT SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BLOG ANYMORE?!" screams nobody out of concern.

even if i want to, i have so many things to tell. 

so you see, if i want to blog about something which happened yesterday, i'll be like "what about that thing which happened last two months?" so i'll be like, i can't just skip the chronology right, so i'll be like, maybe i'll just put off this one too and find a time when i can blog about everything in perfect order of occurrence  so i'll be like, procrastinating everything (i procrastinate doing my work all the time but i never procrastinate blogging before, oh god who am i now), and i end up like, not blogging at all, so like, ya c?

of course i have many things to blog about. let's see. the first time fasting away from my mummy, waking up to sahur kurma and plain water on my bed for like 5 minutes before going back to sleep again or at its best, sahur maggi cup. waking myself up, alone in the dark to seek Him which actually, the lonelier the better. terawikh on my own kat surau kecik Akasia, bukan kat masjid besaq Lembah with my mom by my side, but it felt good nevertheless because i knew i wasn't really alone, in fact i felt accompanied by these strangers around me, all had the same purpose. maybe a presence of a friend would have made it better, but it was okay.

the environment here which is not too religious but still good enough for me so i won't be hit by culture shock with the intensity of tabligh and tarbiyah. i might even rebel well with me you can't really tell. but here it's just nice, it doesn't push you so you sorta pull yourself towards it. which is my cup of tea. the only problem is when you don't want to be identified as this and that, as human beings label each other all the time, so you'd prefer not to do something although you want to because you don't want people to have certain expectation of you as you're doing what the identified group of people do, get it? no? i don't want to be known as "budak ...." or "geng ...." because it will draw boundaries of what i can't do and place a burden of what i must do which is the point, a good one, actually, but i just want to be me. i do what i want. not because of who i am. or which group of people i belong to.

then about how i was really faking somethings sometimes, how i just wanna call my mom and my best friends to recharge myself because of the tense. it's not homesick, it's something else. like when Rachel called Kurt she told him "i lied, i'm not okay" and i cried because i felt you Rachel, i always have. remember last year? yes i knew. and early this year? i understood it too. and now? yes i still do. now you're there in NYADA, your dream, and you're in New York state of mind. i'm here in INTEC, my dream, and i should be in... Shah Alam state of mind? LOL. but you get it right? we're on our way to living our dreams, so keep holding on because good things will come along.

oh and the programs INTEC hold were awesome! ROS best gila, rasa terang je hati minggu tu sebab setiap malam dapat ilmu lolol. no seriously, i gained so much new knowledge, it reminded me of the things i knew but forgot, it made me feel at peace and put me at ease for the whole week even though it cost me my weeknights of leisure (shouldn't it be for studying...? nevermind). i got to meet Hilal Asyraf! he signed Sinergi and Sebelum Aku Bernikah for me, we took pictures together (ok along with a few other fans). the first night with IM Asyraf, Sham Kamikaze and Yatt was really cool too, it brought tears to my eyes, and other invited non-celebrity guests who were superb as well, thanks so much. to balance off the religious week, we had a night of ICE which was a cultural concert organized by budak INTEC and performed by budak INTEC jugak. they were so talented! and then there's me... with my talent of clapping enthusiastically. we had so much fun.

apa lagi? oh my new friends. true, what i always knew, that when you're away from home, friends are your family. you shouldn't be so berdikari you'll end up being lonely. yes, surrounded by the wrong people makes you feel lonelier, but being just lonely isn't that good either. so fit in, or find friends. even if they are not the same as your best friends who you can be yourself with and share everything with, find some who you are comfortable with and can laugh sincerely with. it makes a difference. even if you can't tell them some things, but if they can tell you a thing, and there's a sharing going on, you're bonding. so yes, i've found that here. alhamdulillah. i'm starting to feel better. not all the time, but it's a start. we're humans. it's impossible to get along with everyone, but we need to belong, or we won't last long.

see, i have many things to blog about actually. more than these. it's not like i've abandoned Keretapi...

some of my friends ask me why i don't blog anymore. betul lah kata orang, you won't appreciate something until it's gone. cehh. kalau dulu aku blog pun korang buat tak kisah je kan, sekarang mulalah rasa kehilangan. kan? KAAAAAAAN?

another reason why i don't blog as much is... i've changed.

Internet made my secret garden not so secret anymore and the walls not as high. i plan to make them as they once were; private.

from the newbie who told everyone to read her every post, to this version of me, who is better off without random people reading about my life. 

my INTEC friends don't even know i have a blog, except for a few. they don't even know Keretapi, except for one or two. i even made my blog link on my FB profile private and hide my blog from google. but of course, at some point i've gotta be public about it right? i'm active on FB, so it's not that i don't want people to know how i think or what i'm doing. it's just that, Keretapi is more personal. i rarely let things out nowadays, but the things i did in the past, were personal. on FB, i share a wide range of things which i do, feel and think, but i only skim on the surface. but on Keretapi, although what i blog about is limited, but it's deeper, relatively.

why want people to know the deepest part of your heart? the lowest of your rock bottom? the highest of your top of the world? the darkest of nights and brightest of days? the most vibrant of emotions and the most honest opinions? and i don't even dive that deep here. but i'll still feel uncomfortable when people know about it. i want to express, not to impress. positively, or negatively.

it's a different story if you already really know me.

i'm not one of those people who wants to be famous, or don't mind being known. like a popular blogger or vlogger. i want to be heard, but i don't want to be seen. i want to be understood but i don't want to be noticed. i want to make a difference, but i don't want to be recognized. with recognition comes judgement. and judgement, my friends, is often misleading.

when you see me commit sins, yes i'm, sadly, a sinner, i'm not innocent. but when you see me do or say good things, no, i'm not a good person. i'm only trying to be so please don't expect too much of me.

don't mistake me for being fake on FB and being real on Keretapi. what you see on FB is the real me too, or the me i want to be. not want people to see. if i just want to say something short like a reminder for example (i don't want to use the D word), it's easier to do so on FB, right? quick and simple. so yeah, don't just judge me for not being good enough on Keretapi, (not that i am on FB, but even myself can tell the difference) saying what people always say about FB, that people on it are fake. plus, isn't this my goddamn blog? i write for myself so suka hati aku laaa.

yes i curse too. end of story.

maybe the reason why i am more sensitive about prejudice and misleading judgement and whatnot is because i have  first-hand experiences about it. orang stalk semata-mata nak cari bahan untuk bash? not a good one. of course, who cares? you can't shut them up or silent their mind. if they can't find anything on your blog or on your social networking account, they'll twist your word or totally make something up. you just can't stop people. so why bother stopping yourself? i know. but of course, it changed something in me.

anyway, despite it all, i plan to blog again.

'plan' is the keyword.

so don't get misled.